Joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing theTexas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and
discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I
work....You have three wishes.
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy...'I'm
not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides
that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters o
f delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure
chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says....
'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going
to be a string attached.0 -
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur???? 0 -
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."0 -
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago Park when a crazed Rottweiler suddenly attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Cub Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Cubs fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago and you aren't a Cubs fan, I just assumed you had to be a Sox," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Colts fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little punk From Indiana Kills Beloved Family Pet!"0 -
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Better to have and not need, than need and not have.0 -
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said,
>"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A short time
>later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his
son.
>"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son
>answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was
>quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
the
>skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath
when
>the
>wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
or
>scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two
chipmunks
>crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take
them
>with
>us? Well, I guess I just panicked!"0 -
I got this in my email today. If its been posted already, please ignore.
>> >A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were
>> > sitting in their pews and talking.
>> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>> > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
>> > trampling
>> > each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
>> > Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly
> sitting
>> > in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
>> > ultimate enemy was in his presence.
>> > So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
>> > "Yep, sure do."
>> > "Aren't you afraid of me?"
>> > "Nope, sure ain't."
>> > "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
>> > "Don't doubt it for a minute."
>> > "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
> agony
>> > for all eternity??"
>> > "Yep", was the calm reply.
>> > "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
>> > "Nope."
>> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
>> > afraid
>> > of
>> > me?"
>> > The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68
>> > years."
[:)][:)]0 -
A couple was
invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife
sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."0 -
Q: What happens when you sing country and western music
backwards?
A: You get your wife, job and dog back. [;)][:o)]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.0 -
...probably a repost.
A guy walks into a bar in D.C., sits down, and orders a drink. He looks down at the end of the bar, and sees George Bush, and Donald Rumsfeld having a drink. He asks the bartender if that's who he thinks it is, and the bartender says, "Yes, they come in here all the time." So, he walks over to them, introduces himself, and says "Wow. I'm really impressed with the job that you've been doing. But, I have to ask: What do you guys talk about when you're at the bar having drinks?" Rumsfeld responds, "Well buddy, we're talking about World War III. It starts tomorrow." The guy, obviously shocked asks, "What?...How?...What's going to happen?" Bush responds that "Tomorrow we are going to kill 50 million muslims, and one beautiful big-boobed blond." The guy, even more shocked asks, "Well what are you going to kill the blond for?" Bush looked at Rumsfeld and said, "See!!! I told you nobody gives a crap about 50 million muslims."
Ben0 -
This is for my buddy that wont talk to me[:o)][:D]
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN ARKANSAS
Two hillbillies walk into a DairyQueen. While having a
couple of DQ Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine
operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,eating a chicken
sandwich, begins to cough.
After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes
widen and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her
right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to
breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.0 -
Rumor has it that Congressman Anthony Weiner is not really in re-hab, and he is going to announce he is running for president.
He has chosen Attorney General Eric Holder as his running mate.
Get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early, before they are all gone.0 -
Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the
Classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion
of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an
example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks
him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson,"
that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we
would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev.& Mrs. Jackson were struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!"
exclaims Jackson, That's right. And can you tell me why that would be
tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it
probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Guncontrol-The ability to hit what your aiming at.0 -
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect. He never
heard the shot....0 -
A Country boy from Kentucky walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The
loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Countryboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Kentucky Countryboy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"0 -
A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car. The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?" "Because you got an F in sex."[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]0 -
This is for the GD forum
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship.
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M . Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French
President Jacques Chirac.
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo
Bay with Sean Penn.
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the military, a short talk by William Jefferson
Clinton.
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented
by Michael Moore.
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World
Trade Center Towers -- Howard Dean.
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry.
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home!
???? Oh also why was this post deleted?0 -
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'0 -
0 -
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
DarkStar11Walk In Peace...But Carry A Big Stick
Edited by - DarkStar11 on 05/07/2002 15:52:010 -
A man was sitting out on the porch of his rural home enjoying a cup of coffee. He spotted a chicken out in the road. It was weird since no one within miles raised chickens.
The man went out to the road and scooped the chicken up, took her to his pole barn and fixed up a nice roost for her. Then he drove into town and bought a bag of chicken feed and thought about the good eggs he would be getting.
The next morning took his coffee to the pole barn and reached under the chicken and was surprised to find a shiny new penny and left some feed for the chicken. Well the next morning he reached under the chicken and found a shiny new nickel. Most unusual he thought and left some feed out for the chicken. On the third day he found a dime. By now he had become attached to this chicken, wanted an occasional egg, and concerned the chicken must be sick.
The man found an old cage, put the chicken in and drove to town to see the vet.
After hearing the man's story, the vet examined the chicken and ran a test. He pronounced the chicken was normal.
The man said how could that be?
The vet repeated that the chicken was fine and
wait
wait
wait
here it is
the chicken was going through the change. [:0][:o)]0 -
my 9 YO told me this last night:
a black kid and his sister dressed as George and Martha Washington for Halloween. Went to the old lady's house and said "trick or treat". Old lady tells them they can't be George and Martha 'cause they are black.
the go home and change to go as Abe and his wife. Old lady tells them the lincolns weren't black.
the black kids go home, strip nekkid, and go to the old lady's house. When she recovers from the shock she asks who they are.
The black boy says "we are Hershy bars, one with nuts, one without".0 -
First Irish Farmer:"my cow fell down a hole and i had to shoot it." Second Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?" First Irish Farmer: "Nope.....in the head" 0 -
DAMN TRACTOR!
A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, but I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy wasn't very happy with that answer but he did understand the situation and said, "Okay, Dad, I understand."
A week later, his 10 year old son approached saying he was hoping he'd get a two-wheel bicycle for his upcoming birthday.
Well, of course he got the same answer. "......as soon as that tractor is paid for........ "
The following month his youngest son began bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, he got the same lecture about the tractor being paid for first..
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little upset about the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly kicked the rooster clean off the hen's back, mumbling to himself as he did.
His dad says, "Son, that is not an acceptable thing to do to any animal!
You certainly know better than that! Why on earth would you do something like that when that rooster wasn't bothering you in the least?"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Listen, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."0 -
About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER."
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."0 -
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady waddled into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous and stacked 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'0 -
This may belong in the political section but wanted everyone to see it. read it with a sense of humor.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.0 -
Three brothers were laid off at the sawmill. They loaded up in the truck and went looking for another job. They tried every place in town but no one was hiring. As a last resort, one suggested they try the airport. The first brother went in the managers office and asked for a job. "What skills do you have?" the manager asked. "Well, I worked at the sawmill for 20 years" said the brother. "I'm sorry, we don't have anything for you" said the manager. The second brother went in and heard the same response. The third brother said "I might as well go ask, too." A while later he came out and said "I got a job!". The first brother said "Why in the world would he hire you and not us?" The third brother said "Well, I told him I was a pilot."
The second brother said "Yea, but you can't pile it 'til we saw it!"0 -
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."0 -
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."0
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