Joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
[xx(]0 -
THE BACON TREE
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable,
when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I am sure of eet."
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee."
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there in the distance is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree."
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't
forget."
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no
meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters,
Pepe
following closely behind, when all of a sudden a
machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear
he
is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn
Pepe
with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...........
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
a HAM BUSH!0 -
Three little boys were sittin' on the swingset one day, discussing technology.
The question came up regarding which of man's inventions were the most amazing.
The first one said "It'd have to be the airplane. You could get on an airplane and fly halfway around the world in the same day."
"Nah," said another, "It's got to be the telephone. You can talk to someone on the other side of the world."
The third little fella said "The most amazing invention has to be the Thermos jug."
"The Thermos jug?" exclaimed his buddy "what's so amazing about a Thermos jug?"
"Well" says the little boy "you can put hot stuff in it and keep it hot. And you can put cold stuff in it and it will keep it cold"
"What's so amazing about that?" replied his friends.
The third litte boy asked:
"How do it know?"
[:D]0 -
Two women went out for a ladies night out without their husbands. On their way home from the clubs, they needed to use the bathroom. To their surprise, they could not find anything open but saw a cemetery. They drove in and walked to a quite corner of the cemetery. They did not have anything to blot themselves with after peeing so one used her panties and discarded them. The other used a ribbon from a flower arrangement off a gravesite.
The next night their husbands were hanging out and one of them said to the other, "I think I may need to watch my wife a little better. She came home last night without any panties." The other said, "Yeah, me too. My wife came home with a card stuck to her butt that said "Thanks for all the good times. We are going to miss you. Love, The Entire Fire Department."0 -
Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate.
Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
copilot, "Such big-shots back there, I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."
I'm voting for the Pilot0 -
A city fellow went to a dude ranch out west. He was asking one of the resident cowboys about his attire. "Why do you guys wear those big hats?" "Well" replied the cowboy, "the big hat is to keep the sun off our face and neck during a long day in the saddle."
"Why does your shirt have snaps instead of buttons?" The cowboy replied "If we get up in the brush, and the limbs catch our clothes, the snaps will come unsnapped, whereas if we had buttons, the brush would tear the buttons off."
"I undertand, but why are all you guys wearing tennis shoes instead of cowboy boots?" asked the dude. "Oh," replied the cowboy, "that's so no one will mistake us for a truck driver."0 -
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
> >Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
> >the
> >table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
> >playing standing up.
> >
> >Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell
> >Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
> >
> >They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be
> >discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> >
> >"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
> >is
> >me middle name. Leave it to me."
> >
> >Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy
> >answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just
lost
> >$500 and is afraid to come home."
> >
> >"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
> >
> >"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher
[:D]
Ben0 -
Subject: FLAT TUMMY
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
> >bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
> >about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
> >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
> >
> >The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
I
> >have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
> >
> >"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
> >
> >"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
> >
> >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
> >knees and blows it right back up."
.
Dustin K. Griffin0 -
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at
midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the
latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is
sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care
of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors
and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes
even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic
about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job
deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to
personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands
tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman
in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11
months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty
good to me. I have one stripe; its 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is
40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump poop out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'0 -
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the
Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
was falling off. So, why not give him a try?
The seedy LtCdr staggered his way over to the piano while
several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished
there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
name of the song he had just played.
It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
it empty, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."
He then excused himself and lurched to the john.
When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy,
the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".0 -
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." [:0] 0 -
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!0 -
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . ."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
The gene pool needs chlorine.0 -
Subject: the rabbit
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit
jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again
and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Larry
0 -
Panda walks into a bar-The Bartender cant believe it!Damn,i cant believe what im seeing!What,ll it be Panda? Lettuce and a Bud Lite,responds Panda.Sure,commin up!Panda munches on lettuce while casually sipping his beer.Everyone enjoys seeing the Panda and wants to buy his next beer.Finally the Panda gets up,pulls an Uzi out of his fur and starts shooting up the Bar.Glasses and liquor bottles exploding,pure pandemonium! Then the Panda calmly walks toward the door.Bartender peeks over Bar-Panda,why did you shoot up my Bar? Im a Panda,look it up.Bartender grabs a dictionary and looks it up.PANDA-Black and white Mammal indigenous to Western China,eats chutes and leaves. 0 -
Airline securityFederal Aviation Agency800 Independence Avenue S.W.Washington D.C. 20591Dear Sirs:I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.Now why didn't Congress think of this?Sincerely,Bill Clinton 0 -
A old eastern Ky. Farmer had a wife who naged him From morning to dark and then some. Well he took to plowing the back 40 2 or 3 times a week so he didn't have to listen to her. One day she brought his lunch out to him. He no sooner got set down on a stump to eat when she staryted in " NAG, NAG" Well the mule was tired of it too. The mule hauled off and kicked her so hard she was dead before she hit the ground.
A couple days later, at the funnerl the preist noticed some thing odd. All the women who went to talk to the old man would say a few words and the old man would nod his head, every one no exception. When the men went to talk yo him he would shack his no, every man there.
Well the preast got to wondering what was going on,so he just up and asked the old man. "Well all the women said how good my wife looked and how nice she was dressed."
scrool down
"And all the men wanted to know if the mule was for sale."0 -
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale t his week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."0 -
[:D]
I guess a bunch of passengers are in for a big surprise.0
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