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Joke

jimdeere
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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Comments

199 comments

Date Votes
  • jimdeere
    quote:

    A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The group waiting on the tee playing behind her was from Washington, DC and included Barack Obama.

    Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave when he said,"I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll vote Democratic in the next election".

    She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head !"
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  • jimdeere
    I had not heard this one before. I liked it and thought I would share it.

    A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish.
    He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

    The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
    'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

    'Pet fish?'

    'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

    'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

    The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then Said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

    'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

    After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

    'Well, what?', says the redneck.

    The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

    'Call who back?'

    'The FISH', replied the warden!

    'What fish?', replied the redneck.

    Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

    You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
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  • jimdeere
    A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
    He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
    dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.
    He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
    she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he
    asks
    again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs

    again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite
    your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"
    She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "OK,
    just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
    So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal
    the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps
    on
    them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his
    face
    in them,....but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and
    asks: "Are you gonna bite
    them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

    Larry
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  • jimdeere
    A little humor for friday.

    Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

    The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

    The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'''
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  • jimdeere
    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

    "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

    "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

    "But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

    With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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  • jimdeere
    A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
    'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
    The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
    Look what it has done to me
    Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
    The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
    The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.
    I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
    'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
    So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
    He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
    The Old Roster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
    The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
    - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this story? Don't mess with the < B>THE OLDER GENERATION age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
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  • jimdeere
    [securedownload-1.jpgimg]
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  • jimdeere
    One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

    The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

    With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
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  • jimdeere
    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please,excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see."

    "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    "Well, I really don't know," replied the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

    The bunny replied, "I can't thank you enough! But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny
    agreed to examine him.

    When the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal
    am I?"

    The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery and you haven't got any balls. You must be a Democrat."
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  • jimdeere
    The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
    school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.


    The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
    the word "tragedy." So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an
    example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
    friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor
    comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."


    "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."


    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
    over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'


    I'm afraid not, "explains the exalted Reverend Al. That's what we would
    call a great loss."


    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.


    Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
    an example of a tragedy?"


    Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern
    voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton
    were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'


    "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
    tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


    "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great
    loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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  • jimdeere
    Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "168."

    The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.


    The guy leaves, but he is curious.

    So he goes back into the bar.

    The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "100."

    The robot then starts to talk about Hollywood, communists, vodka, and kwanzaa.


    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,

    so he thinks he will try it one more time.

    He goes back into the bar.

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

    The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

    The robot leans in real close and says,

    Well, not everyone can be from Chicago, an ACORN member, and happy with OBama!
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  • jimdeere
    I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... Etc.

    She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Schmit."

    You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
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  • jimdeere
    fQUP5SL.jpg
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  • jimdeere
    This would be a lot funnier if there were no chance of it being true!!!

    A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

    One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

    The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man as he tossed the can into a trash container before heading down the road toward the men.

    "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

    "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.


    "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"


    "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

    Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.
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  • jimdeere
    The Mole Family

    A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
    hole.
    One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
    and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
    The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
    "Yum! I smell honey!"
    The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
    but can't because the bigger moles
    are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
    is....

    MOLASSES!

    Well, Hell I thought it was funny.[:D]











    fc6cb6ef.gif
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  • jimdeere
    Three Southern boys and three Northerners were traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southern boys buy just one ticket.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Northerners. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train and the three Northerners take their respective seats but all three Southern boys cram into a toilet together and close the door. Soon after, the train departs and the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a bit and a single arm emerges with the one ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Northerners see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southern boys don't buy any ticket at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Northerner. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South. When they board the train, the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southern boys cram into another just down the aisle. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southern boys leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Northerners are hiding. The Southern boy knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please".
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  • jimdeere
    Famous rorn star Ron Jeremy was called to serve on a panel to decide the quilt or innocence of a defendant in a trial. It was a hung jury...
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  • jimdeere
    time to pull the plug ??

    While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wai[:D]t. the ER doctor appeared ,wearing his scrubs and a long face.
    Sadly he said, "I"m afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

    "Oh dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
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  • jimdeere
    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
    admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to
    have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect
    at noon the next day.

    So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
    Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I
    let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

    'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch
    hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
    immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as
    I searched the entire apartment.

    Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony an d
    noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
    of that guy!

    Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
    ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
    his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

    In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
    on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
    refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over
    the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
    The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died
    almost instantly.'

    The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day
    It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the
    Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.

    A few seconds later Donald Trump a r rived at the gates..

    'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like
    when you died.'

    Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the
    balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
    lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got
    a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!

    Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
    But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
    cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and
    bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

    As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
    pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It
    falls the 25 floors and lands on top of m e, killing me instantly.'

    The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could
    get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel
    announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.

    A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too
    shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's
    head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day
    you died.'

    Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......'
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  • jimdeere
    Guy comes home from fishing Sunday morning and plops down in the easy chair to watch the football game. He yells to his wife: "Honey, how about fixin' me a couple of sandwiches, it's about to start." She fixes his sandwiches and brings them to him. "Could you turn the t.v. on, it's about to start." She lets out a big sigh and turns on the t.v. and storms back into the kitchen. "Could you bring me a beer" he shouts "it's about to start". She opens the fridge, grabs a beer, slams the door and drops it into his lap.
    "All you do is fish, drink, and watch football. I swear I gettin' dang tired of it! You never take me anywhere. You never help me around the house..."
    He mumbles under his breath:


    "It's started"
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  • jimdeere
    An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
    Dear Bubba:
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
    Love, Dad
    A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
    Dear Dad:
    For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
    Love, Bubba
    At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
    That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
    Dear Dad:
    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, Bubba
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  • jimdeere
    A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. Te wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
    He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
    thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
    Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.
    Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.


    Larry
    runroom_x.gif
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  • jimdeere
    RECTUM DEODORANT, POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER!

    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
    they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

    "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
    pharmacist.

    "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

    Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
    the container.........

    "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
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  • jimdeere
    A man approaches a young lady at a bar and says:

    'Gee, you remind me of my little toe.'

    She giggles, and asks:

    'Is that because I'm so small and cute.'

    'No', he replies.

    'It's because I think I'm gonna get drunk tonight and bang you on the coffee-table.'
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  • jimdeere
    There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

    The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"

    The little guy thinks "GHEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

    So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. All the while thinking, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?"

    About and hour later he returns to the bar and walks up behind the big dude and --"WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fellow off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!"
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  • jimdeere
    quote:

    Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
    South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.

    Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every
    few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

    Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
    hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

    Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the
    quiet and said: "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"
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  • jimdeere
    A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After
    about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went
    screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked
    her what the problem was and she explained.

    The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's
    the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has
    four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told
    her she was pregnant?"

    The new doctor simply smiled and said,
    "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
    0
  • jimdeere
    A couple of gay guys were walking down the street. A pretty blond suddenly pops out of a local shop and walks past them.
    One the the gay guys looks back at her and sighs to the other one, Gosh, it's times like that I wish I were a lesbian.
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  • jimdeere
    guy calls 911. Sir What is your emergency? I think my wife is dead. Sir why do you think your wife is dead? Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.
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  • jimdeere
    Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I
    know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
    Tom Cruise"?

    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

    So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
    and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your
    friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
    Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
    just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

    "President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.

    Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

    So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
    motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just
    on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
    cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

    After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
    who again implores him to name anyone else.

    The new Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

    So, off they fly to Rome.

    Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
    Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
    these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
    upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

    Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
    But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
    and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
    out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
    the balcony with Bubba"?
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