Joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
The zip code in Washington, D. C., is being changed to 00000. Nothing there adds up, anyway. 0 -
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you f or the wonderful America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'0 -
One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Alex."
"Good morning sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.
The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
_________________0 -
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man
of this house and my
word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The f---kin' funeral
director would be my first guess"...0 -
A huge billboard sign states -
"Need Help, Call Jesus at 1-800-123-4567"
Wondering who would answer, called 1-800-123-4567 and got an answering machine requesting address of where help was needed. The address was left on the answering machine.
Then next day at 7AM, a mexican kid shows up with a lawnmower.
[:D]0 -
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
[8D][:D][8D]0 -
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.*
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?*
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!*0 -
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his
wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip
short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by
the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
Chicago ."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."0 -
An old man comes into the ER after having fallen off of his roof. The ER doc asks him how he fell off of it? He states, well back when I was young, I was working on the roof of this young neighbor lady... No says the Doc, I mean how did you fall off the roof today?, Well I was getting to that part. I was working on the roof of this young neighbor lady and she comes out and asks if I'd like to come in and cool off? I told her , No, I've got to get your roof done, She says, it's awful hot out here. Wouldn't you like to come in and cool off with a nice cool glass of lemonade? The doc chimes in, Now what does this have to do with today? Now I'm getting to that.... I told her again, I've got to get the work done and continued on with the roof. She comes out once more and says, You know it's awful hot out here, it'd be a lot cooler in my house, with some Ice Cold Lemonade and who knows what else might happen. Well I said again, I've got to get the work down and get home before dark. Well, I was up on my roof working and the memory of it comes back to me, I giggled and then it struck me what she was getting at. And that's how I come to fall off the roof!!! 0 -
Dear Friends,
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who the "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in.
Then the trouble started. . .
"If you ain't got pictures, I wasn't there."0 -
A little boy was riding his BMX bike one day in the drive way when the little girl next door asked if she could ride his BMX bike. The little boy said,"You see this, this bike is for boys only. Only boys can have these."
Well, she went home and told her mommy what he said. The next day he was riding his bike again and the little girl came over on a brand new bike just like his, but with a basket on the front.
Well this made the little boy upset so he threw his bike to the ground and pouted up to the house.
He came out a little later with a football. He was tossing it in the air and playing in the yard. The little girl saw him and asked if she could play too. He said,"You see this, this football is for boys only. Only boys can have with these."
Well like before she ran home and told her mommy what the little boy had said. The very next day the little girl rode her bike over and she had a new football in the front basket of her bike. She gave a smerk to the little boy and tossed her ball in the air giggling.
The little boy so frustrated, pulled his pants down and pointed to his tally wacker(I guessing this word won't be edited[;)]) and said,"You see this, only boys have these."
Satisfied he had shown the little girl next door who's boss he pulled his pants up and went inside as she stood there in shock.
Later that day he was outside on the lawn and the little girl came right over and approached him. She walked up to him with a big grin on her face.
She pulled her dress up and her panties down and pointed to her private parts and said, " You see this, only girls have these. And my mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"[:0]0 -
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing0 -
Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well go look in the garage..."0 -
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to
a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get
an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer
I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of
dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a
living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ..
Now give me back my dog.0 -
Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an 600SL with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
It took 20 rabbis 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."0 -
This place is, I will be back when I need something, because there are some smart folks here. The upkeep sux though [:D] 0 -
Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on the Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.0 -
quote:
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
* D on't be arrogant.
* D on't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with us old farts;
we didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?!0 -
THE WOMAN POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
THE MAN POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.0 -
Subject: Good Joke! HAAHAA!
Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
"OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's int elligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know poop?"0 -
10 things only women understand. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80443432/ 0 -
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ...the United States Marines .you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that bababooey. He was in the Air Force.0 -
A Good Catholic Joke
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?0 -
Queen Elizabeth
and
Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
"Look at these,
they're the most
perfect breasts
God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day,
for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly,
and asks
Her Majesty the same question.
The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and gargles.
Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel
says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks,
"What was that all about?
I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She spits into a
commode and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,
"but even in Heaven,
a royal flush
beats a pair -
no matter how big they are.0 -
The office manager was putting up Christmas decorations and as she finished she walked back to her office. Two of the guys were looking at her snickering. When she said, What?" One told her she had glitter on her face and boobs.
She said what does it mean to have glitter on her.
One of the guys said glitter on the boobs means she went to a tittie bar.
She then asked what about the glitter on her face?
The other guy laughed and made the motor boat sound, then both guys almost fell out of their chairs with laughter.
We will miss them.0 -
An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a
teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought
to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
four objects:
- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that
would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down
drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.
And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
skirt-chasin', no good bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," th! e old preacher disgustedly whispered,
"he's gonna be a Congressman!"0 -
I hope this Doesn't offend anyone. No pun Inteded
REDNECK LENT
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up hisoutdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors wereCatholic..And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat onFriday.The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causingsuch aproblem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.
'Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yardclutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched inamazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holywater which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: Youwuzborn a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.
AMEN0 -
A NEW PASTOR WAS VISITING IN THE HOMES OF HIS PARISHIONERS. AT ONE HOUSE IT SEEMED OBVIOUS THAT SOMEONE WAS AT HOME, BUT NO ANSWER CAME TO HIS REPEATED KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.
THEREFORE, HE TOOK OUT A BUSINESS CARD AND WROTE "REVELATION 3:20" ON THE BACK OF IT AND STUCK IT IN THE DOOR.
WHEN THE OFFERING WAS PROCESSED THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, HE FOUND THAT HIS CARD HAD BEEN RETURNED. ADDED TO IT WAS THIS CRYPTIC MESSAGE, "GENESIS 3:10."
REACHING FOR HIS BIBLE TO CHECK OUT THE CITATION, HE BROKE UP IN
GALES OF LAUGHTER. REVELATION 3:20 BEGINS "BEHOLD, I STAND AT THE DOOR AND KNOCK." GENESIS 3:10 READS, "I HEARD YOUR VOICE IN THE GARDEN AND I WAS AFRAID FOR I WAS NAKED."
REMEMBER WHEN THE FUNNIEST JOKES WERE THE CLEAN ONES? THEY STILL ARE!0 -
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen
crabs, and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for
him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty
manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.0 -
Whats the difference between Bachman and Mrs Obama?
Playboy and national geographic.[:0]0
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