I Need Some Independent Advice!
I have thought all of this week, about airing this here, but have decided I would like some input from folks with different opinions.
This past weekend, my mom called, and informed me of something quite shocking,......at least to me!
She, and my biological father divorced when I was only three years old. For some "domestic issues", on his part, she gave up any, and all support, in return for full custody. I have never even seen a picture of the guy, much less seen, or spoken to him, in my life.
Nothing to cry about, as I had a terrific grandfather, and great-uncles, that gave me all of the manly guidance I could ever need.
I am not one of those people that ever used that issue as an excuse, or a reason to have a chip on my shoulder,........he was just always a "non-entity" to me. No hatred or ill thoughts about him ever,......just basically no thoughts at all!
The call was to inform me that he had tracked my mom down, and they have spoken on the phone for about seven hours to this point. These calls are about me. He is 69 years old, and never had any other children, even though he is married.
He supposedly has been looking for us for years through conventional means, and finally hired a P.I. to give a final try. Well the P.I. succeeded, but he chose to call my mom, instead of me.
She says he has carried guilt all of his life, and worried about what happened to me, and if I was affected by his irresponsible actions.
Trying to keep this as short as possible,.......he wants to fly here in the fall, and meet me, and "clear his soul" so to speak. He also wants to see his only child before his time is up,.......that would be me.
I have mixed feelings about doing it. I don't know if I want to get into a meeting, and or, discussion, about emotional things, on his part, that never affected me. I also don't hate him,......but would feel rather bad being honest, and telling him, I have never really given him a thought in my life.
My mom asked me, about the age of fifteen, if I would like for her to try and have him found. My response was,......What for? I eased her mind that all was fine, and there was no need for that.
At this point, I am being hit with "female compassion", from my mother, and fiance', who both feel I should meet him, and give an older man the chance to see his only son, and clear his soul.
I know this sounds like Dear Abbie, or something, but I really don't know how I feel about this right now.
Sorry for the length, but I needed to explain the situation properly.
Thanks,
Mark
This past weekend, my mom called, and informed me of something quite shocking,......at least to me!
She, and my biological father divorced when I was only three years old. For some "domestic issues", on his part, she gave up any, and all support, in return for full custody. I have never even seen a picture of the guy, much less seen, or spoken to him, in my life.
Nothing to cry about, as I had a terrific grandfather, and great-uncles, that gave me all of the manly guidance I could ever need.
I am not one of those people that ever used that issue as an excuse, or a reason to have a chip on my shoulder,........he was just always a "non-entity" to me. No hatred or ill thoughts about him ever,......just basically no thoughts at all!
The call was to inform me that he had tracked my mom down, and they have spoken on the phone for about seven hours to this point. These calls are about me. He is 69 years old, and never had any other children, even though he is married.
He supposedly has been looking for us for years through conventional means, and finally hired a P.I. to give a final try. Well the P.I. succeeded, but he chose to call my mom, instead of me.
She says he has carried guilt all of his life, and worried about what happened to me, and if I was affected by his irresponsible actions.
Trying to keep this as short as possible,.......he wants to fly here in the fall, and meet me, and "clear his soul" so to speak. He also wants to see his only child before his time is up,.......that would be me.
I have mixed feelings about doing it. I don't know if I want to get into a meeting, and or, discussion, about emotional things, on his part, that never affected me. I also don't hate him,......but would feel rather bad being honest, and telling him, I have never really given him a thought in my life.
My mom asked me, about the age of fifteen, if I would like for her to try and have him found. My response was,......What for? I eased her mind that all was fine, and there was no need for that.
At this point, I am being hit with "female compassion", from my mother, and fiance', who both feel I should meet him, and give an older man the chance to see his only son, and clear his soul.
I know this sounds like Dear Abbie, or something, but I really don't know how I feel about this right now.
Sorry for the length, but I needed to explain the situation properly.
Thanks,
Mark
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You should see him. It couldn't hurt and might help. If you do not, you will always wonder. 0 -
meet him. If for nothing else than to discuss medical issues that you may inherit.
If you do not, you may regret it.
Ben0 -
not only medical issues but he may have a chunk of money he wants to leave you. 0 -
I left out that the medical issues have already been covered in their conversations,........nothing of any consequence.
I already know that he spent his life as a state employee, where he lives,.......so there is no chunk of money![:D]
That wouldn't be an influence for me anyway.0 -
I'd probably have to talk to him on the phone, or via email first. Just to see how the wind blows. Is he sincere? Or possibly have other motives. 0 -
My OPINION:
1. HE gave up all rights to you years ago
2. HE never seriously looked for you until HE wanted to clear HIS conscience about you as HE faces down the grim reaper.
Pardon me if I say that he sounds to me like a self centered ass! Self centered at the risk of everyone else's feelings. He is not a father, he is a donor. You have several GOOD fathers from the sound of it.
In the end, of course, do what YOU want to do. Me, I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.
It's just my gut talking, but guys like him piss me off! Back to do MORE damage!0 -
Marc, just do it and that way "if" something happens to either one of you there will be no further questions or regrets..forgive..and hear him out,.. you have already lost one..... Loko[^] 0 -
quote:For some "domestic issues", on his part, she gave up any, and all support, in return for full custody. I have never even seen a picture of the guy, much less seen, or spoken to him, in my life.
Nothing to cry about, as I had a terrific grandfather, and great-uncles, that gave me all of the manly guidance I could ever need.
Something doesnt sit right with me on part of that statement...She gave up all support for full custody?? It also tells me there is more to this story than what is posted....2 sides to every story...0 -
Mateo,.......that is the only way that I have ever referred to him, "sperm donor", not out of hatred, but truth.
Loko, also knows something I didn't mention in the above post.
I had a great stepfather that came into my life late. He wasn't here long, but we were very close. He cared about me more than his own kids, who were always after him for something monetary.
The guy didn't even know how to accept something from me, as I did things for him, and bought him things all the time,.......he had never had that experience in his life. He suffered a lot before he departed, and I will always remember him.
I KNOW that I have been very lucky![;)]0 -
Its easy for me to say because Im not in your shoes. I say yes meet him and let his soul find peace as well as your own. I hope it works out for the best! 0 -
quote:Originally posted by slipgate
If you do not, you will always wonder.
agreed. what could it hurt?0 -
If I were you, MEET UP WITH HIM. Everyone makes mistakes in there life, and sooner or later, we realize the mistakes we made. He realizes the mistake he made, by not being a part of your life. And now he regrets it.
Now you may not know it now, but if you do not meet up with him. Then you may be making a mistake, that you may never get a second chance at.
That you will be carrying with you for the rest of your life. Trust your mother on this one.0 -
quote:Originally posted by mateomasfeo
My OPINION:
1. HE gave up all rights to you years ago
2. HE never seriously looked for you until HE wanted to clear HIS conscience about you as HE faces down the grim reaper.
Pardon me if I say that he sounds to me like a self centered ass! Self centered at the risk of everyone else's feelings. He is not a father, he is a donor. You have several GOOD fathers from the sound of it.
In the end, of course, do what YOU want to do. Me, I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.
It's just my gut talking, but guys like him piss me off! Back to do MORE damage!
I concur.0 -
I'm with mat on this one
if you choose to see him do it for yourself, and yourself only, for what ever reason you may have, you owe him nothing, my parents split when i was 7, i was not allowed to see my father, i met him later in life, he was not the person i was lead to believe, and over the years i found out which one was really the evil one, and it wasn't him, i have a special contempt in my heart for my mother often thinking of how me and my siblings life would have had a much different life if it where not for her selfishness0 -
What do you have to lose?
If you don't like him, you could always kick his ass.
Don0 -
I would agree to meet him.
I had a similar situation and never met my real dad until I was in my 30s.
It will not hurt you to meet him.
I even had a meeting with my step dad who I havn't seen since I was 12 last year.
No harm in that meeting but I really don't care to see him again.
What is weird about meeting my Biological dad is that there is a connection and things I see in me that came from him even though he didn't raise me.
It is interesting none the less.0 -
i would say meet him, you dont have to respect him, but at least you could maybe see where you get some of your traits from, and maybe you could get his side on why he split. 0 -
I'd say meet him - regret goes on for the rest of your life, and so does relief! And forgiveness might be a real gift you could give to an old man. If you don't like him, you can thank heaven for how things turned out, and if you like him, you will be glad you met.
At the least, you give a few hours of your precious time, and at best, you reach a new understanding. Might help to hear "the rest of the story".0 -
quote:If you don't like him, you could always kick his ass.
[:D][:D]
I was waiting for something from you,......and once again, you didn't disappoint!0 -
YOUR LAST STATMENT IN YOUR LAST POST "I KNOW that I have been very lucky!"... MAYBE IT'S PAYBACK TIME. IT WILL COST YOU NOTHING TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER. YOU MIGHT EVEN LEARN SOMETHING, AND FEEL BETTER YOURSELF. 0 -
I would take the chance and meet with him if I were you. It will certainly bless him, and I would think that you will be blessed by meeting him in some way too. Besides it would please your mother. 0 -
I would meet him. Who knows, you may see yourself in the mirror. If he's felt guilty and gone to the expense of finding you, he can't be all bad. I was not a nice guy to my first wife, or anyone else at that time. I can tell you from experience, time changes a man.
Do it.0 -
It sounds to me like you have a good mind set and are rational and logical about the issue. In my opinion you should meet him for his sake. Human beings are only on this earth once and you are his only son (apparently). If he is feeling guilty then I think you could do him a valuable service before he dies and let him meet you and look into the eyes of his only son. I think stuff like this is extremely primal and not easily explained by anyone. It is also extremely profound and meaningful.
Life is about forgiveness and forgiveness benifits everyone.0 -
Free advice is usually worth exactly what you pay for it. That said, I would tell him to stay home. Read what Mateo said again, he got it exactly right. 0 -
Since so many statements about,.....the other side of the story, I may as well finish it, WTH!
He developed a "drinking problem" about a year before they split.
One night he came in late, very drunk, and they got into an arguement. He hit my mom,......but immediately started crying, and apologizing. My grandfather was going to kill him, but my mom stopped it by saying she had taken all she was willing to, and was going to divorce him.
Neither she, nor my grandparents wanted me under his influence, so that is where the "arrangement" came from. He went right along with it too,......look at the money he saved!
My mom's reward was to work 2 full time jobs for years. This was back in a different time when families pitched in to help each other. My grandparents helped her,.......and in their later years they lived with us after my mom moved us to Florida.
According to the conversations,......he quit drinking when he was around 30.
Even though I have no ill will,.......I have never understood a man hitting a woman. I have known about what happened since around the age of 7. She thinks that he just lost control, because of the booze, and that he was sincerely sorry. I am not so sure, as I had my own issues with alcohol, at one point, and I never struck a female in my life.
Now you know the "rest of the story",.....I really am not ashamed of my life!0 -
quote:Originally posted by He Dog
Free advice is usually worth exactly what you pay for it. That said, I would tell him to stay home. Read what Mateo said again, he got it exactly right.
I DO agree with the free advice thought, but I really wanted to know what folks that I have no personal connection to, would do, in a similar situation.
Somehow, I think it helps to expand your "mindset" on an issue like this.0 -
quote:Originally posted by hisbigbootygirl
quote:Originally posted by slipgate
If you do not, you will always wonder.
agreed. what could it hurt?
+20 -
i was told a very similar story, drinking, abuse, adultery, when i got to know my dad a bit better i kept an open mind, i accepted him for the way he treated me, about 20 years later we where taking a very long ride together in the country, and he explained it all, his timing and every detail of certain events where spot on, but with a much different point of view, and it all made sense, i was lied to my entire life by my mothers sick way of getting back at him for something she did, {not saying this applies to you} she even had his family snow balled, to this day she will not admit to any wrong doing, i know better 0 -
Do it. You'll be scratching your head for the rest of your life if you don't. Joe 0 -
1911,......that's really tough to deal with.
I KNOW that is not the case with my situation.
It has never been an issue all of my life even though I have known about it all.
Kind of like a ghost appearing out of nowhere for me.
Not afraid to meet him, but I don't know what I would say to him.
I can be very analytical, and would hate to tell someone that I have never thought anything about them, because to me, they never existed.
A lot seems to be "feminine" compassion, that is being pushed on me, and I don't have that "understanding" in me really.
Something I have to think about, but the input has helped.0
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