I Need Some Independent Advice!
I have thought all of this week, about airing this here, but have decided I would like some input from folks with different opinions.
This past weekend, my mom called, and informed me of something quite shocking,......at least to me!
She, and my biological father divorced when I was only three years old. For some "domestic issues", on his part, she gave up any, and all support, in return for full custody. I have never even seen a picture of the guy, much less seen, or spoken to him, in my life.
Nothing to cry about, as I had a terrific grandfather, and great-uncles, that gave me all of the manly guidance I could ever need.
I am not one of those people that ever used that issue as an excuse, or a reason to have a chip on my shoulder,........he was just always a "non-entity" to me. No hatred or ill thoughts about him ever,......just basically no thoughts at all!
The call was to inform me that he had tracked my mom down, and they have spoken on the phone for about seven hours to this point. These calls are about me. He is 69 years old, and never had any other children, even though he is married.
He supposedly has been looking for us for years through conventional means, and finally hired a P.I. to give a final try. Well the P.I. succeeded, but he chose to call my mom, instead of me.
She says he has carried guilt all of his life, and worried about what happened to me, and if I was affected by his irresponsible actions.
Trying to keep this as short as possible,.......he wants to fly here in the fall, and meet me, and "clear his soul" so to speak. He also wants to see his only child before his time is up,.......that would be me.
I have mixed feelings about doing it. I don't know if I want to get into a meeting, and or, discussion, about emotional things, on his part, that never affected me. I also don't hate him,......but would feel rather bad being honest, and telling him, I have never really given him a thought in my life.
My mom asked me, about the age of fifteen, if I would like for her to try and have him found. My response was,......What for? I eased her mind that all was fine, and there was no need for that.
At this point, I am being hit with "female compassion", from my mother, and fiance', who both feel I should meet him, and give an older man the chance to see his only son, and clear his soul.
I know this sounds like Dear Abbie, or something, but I really don't know how I feel about this right now.
Sorry for the length, but I needed to explain the situation properly.
Thanks,
Mark
This past weekend, my mom called, and informed me of something quite shocking,......at least to me!
She, and my biological father divorced when I was only three years old. For some "domestic issues", on his part, she gave up any, and all support, in return for full custody. I have never even seen a picture of the guy, much less seen, or spoken to him, in my life.
Nothing to cry about, as I had a terrific grandfather, and great-uncles, that gave me all of the manly guidance I could ever need.
I am not one of those people that ever used that issue as an excuse, or a reason to have a chip on my shoulder,........he was just always a "non-entity" to me. No hatred or ill thoughts about him ever,......just basically no thoughts at all!
The call was to inform me that he had tracked my mom down, and they have spoken on the phone for about seven hours to this point. These calls are about me. He is 69 years old, and never had any other children, even though he is married.
He supposedly has been looking for us for years through conventional means, and finally hired a P.I. to give a final try. Well the P.I. succeeded, but he chose to call my mom, instead of me.
She says he has carried guilt all of his life, and worried about what happened to me, and if I was affected by his irresponsible actions.
Trying to keep this as short as possible,.......he wants to fly here in the fall, and meet me, and "clear his soul" so to speak. He also wants to see his only child before his time is up,.......that would be me.
I have mixed feelings about doing it. I don't know if I want to get into a meeting, and or, discussion, about emotional things, on his part, that never affected me. I also don't hate him,......but would feel rather bad being honest, and telling him, I have never really given him a thought in my life.
My mom asked me, about the age of fifteen, if I would like for her to try and have him found. My response was,......What for? I eased her mind that all was fine, and there was no need for that.
At this point, I am being hit with "female compassion", from my mother, and fiance', who both feel I should meet him, and give an older man the chance to see his only son, and clear his soul.
I know this sounds like Dear Abbie, or something, but I really don't know how I feel about this right now.
Sorry for the length, but I needed to explain the situation properly.
Thanks,
Mark
0
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The rest of the story is enlightening. The alcoholism in his youth dovetails perfectly with the need for confession and clearing his soul later in life. My original choice would remain unlatered for myself, I would tell him to stay home. You will have to make your own choice. 0 -
Mark -
I'm sorry to have taken so long to put in my words, but here they are:
He means nothing to you.
Just for curiosity, I suggest you meet with him on neutral ground - like in a restaurant - and let him buy you supper.
You WILL learn things about your heritage that you don't now know, so it will be valuable to YOU. Let him do the talking, and ask him open ended questions that cause him to make detailed replies.
Your investment will be a few hours of time, and the return could possibly be important to you.
I went through a similar situation, and haven't seen or heard from the guy, since.
It will be worth the minimum effort you will invest.
Doug0 -
Two points...
It costs nothing to be polite. It shows class...the class your mother raised you to demonstrate to your family and friends.
Second, there could be a good up-side to this, questions answered, words expressed, points made. Go into it looking for the good outcome. If there is none you have lost nothing.
What have you got to lose?0 -
That could be my story except for the 2 brothers and 1 sister I have. I did meet my dad when I was 18 and told him I would go the rest of my life without him. I did but was still a little saddened when he died. I always wondered what if but have not dowelled too long on it. Don 0 -
"dwelt"
D.0 -
Seems the general consensus is to meet with him, what could it hurt? I agree, BUT, as a couple of others have stated, be wary of his motives - this is most definitely all about him, and while I think the proper thing would be to meet & show him that his son turned out OK without him, that's really all he needs to know. 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Marc1301
1911,......that's really tough to deal with.
I KNOW that is not the case with my situation.
It has never been an issue all of my life even though I have known about it all.
Kind of like a ghost appearing out of nowhere for me.
Not afraid to meet him, but I don't know what I would say to him.
I can be very analytical, and would hate to tell someone that I have never thought anything about them, because to me, they never existed.
A lot seems to be "feminine" compassion, that is being pushed on me, and I don't have that "understanding" in me really.
Something I have to think about, but the input has helped.
sounds like you developed a self defense for dealing with the situation that is all, but you had no choice, if it where reverse and you did think about him you may have developed a entire different attitude towards him, imagine living your life with the mix of thoughts you have now0 -
Get together with him and buy him a beer [}:)]
Seriously, if I were in your shoes I think I would want to meet him at least once. Neutral territory is also a good point, if things go sour it's easier to walk away than to throw him out.0 -
He doesn't deserve it. You may feel better, though.
I really can't say what I would do. You may want to see him, even if it's only once, because once someone is gone, they're gone for good.0 -
Well, it appears, for what it is worth,......which is what I was looking for, that about 20 think I should, 4 think I shouldn't, and 1 or 2 "neutrals", i.e. phone, or e-mail first.
I truly do appreciate the input, as sometimes opinions that you are not affected by "emotionally", are very valuable.
I can do this, without worry on my part,.....but will need to remember the class part, and not wanting, nor needing, to hurt another person's feelings.
I became a bit of a "hardened" person, because of life experiences, and have not shed a tear since I was 14 years old, when my grandfather passed away. My grandmother followed within less than 2 years, and I witnessed her having the heart attack, and them taking her away, she was gone within days. She brought it upon herself, as she didn't want to live anymore without her husband, and was worried about the strain that she was putting on my mother. You can "will" yourself dead, IMHO.
I guess I was forced to become the "man" of the family, very early, and that is what has made me the way I am today. All of my great-uncles have been gone for a long time also,.......and then my step-dad a few years ago.
Life is the way that it is,.........and I am sure, it is for a reason that I can't understand right now, but will someday!
I will weigh all of this, and make a decision, with my other "family" input. I WILL report what I do, but it is going to be fall, before anything happens, as I already made that clear to my mother. Too much stress this time of year for me to deal with something like this, that is not a necessity for me.
Thanks much for the input![;)]0 -
what harm will it do? you say there is no ill fealings. meet him 0 -
Meeting him is the generous thing to do.
That said, I don't think I could resist meeting him if I were in your shoes: curiosity would get the better of me.
A lot of folks are saying: "It couldn't hurt." I disagree. I don't know how it could hurt, but even if you've never given the man much of a thought during your life, there's such a lot of cultural baggage attached to a sperm donor that the situation cannot help but be frought.
Good luck, what ever you decide.0 -
quote:Originally posted by mateomasfeo
My OPINION:
1. HE gave up all rights to you years ago
2. HE never seriously looked for you until HE wanted to clear HIS conscience about you as HE faces down the grim reaper.
Pardon me if I say that he sounds to me like a self centered ass! Self centered at the risk of everyone else's feelings. He is not a father, he is a donor. You have several GOOD fathers from the sound of it.
In the end, of course, do what YOU want to do. Me, I'd tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.
It's just my gut talking, but guys like him piss me off! Back to do MORE damage!
AMEN!!!!0 -
By all means meet him and spend a few hours talking to him. Be sure to get any medical history of him or his family. Especially any problems that you may have inherated. This info will be very importand and helpful to you and your doctor as you grow older.
I never knew my real father nor even saw him until I was 17 years old when I met up with him for about 20 minutes. Never saw nor talked to him again. He died of complications caused by diabetes in 1992. His entire family died fairly young of heart related problems. About 5 years ago I met his brother (we've become good friends since then) and finally found out all the medical history of the family and have had a lot of holes filled in. I turned 58 today and have had a blood pressure problem for about a year. At least since meeting my "uncle" I know the heart and other health problems inherant in the family to pass on to my doctor.0 -
Ask for ID.
Clouder..0 -
Just so the ones that don't already know,.........I am 45, to be 46 in November.
Long gone from being a kid,.........approaching the age of most of you "old farts"![:D]
I am torn, about something that has never caused me a moments concern in my life.
I don't like the "you will be sorry if you don't" comments,........I have no way of knowing IF I will be sorry or not.
I DO think that maybe he might be sorry, but then the other part of me kicks in, and says, "the heck with him, you had your chance years ago".
I really never thought of something like this happening, at this stage of my life.
Life is full of twists, and turns, it seems!0 -
Look at it logically, Marc. He hasn't changed one iota except to realize he missed something. He left 43 years ago. 43 years of not caring enough to look you up. 43 years of letting your mom bear the load he should have. 43 birthdays, 43 Christmases, 15,685 days he should have seen you every morning---and didn't. He's worth now what he was when he abandoned the most precious thing on earth: a man's family. Piss on him.
Clouder..0 -
Marc,
I just turned 46 and my parents are 78 and still together.
Do what you want but I'd see me. Forgive, perhaps not forget, but give your father a chance. Forgiving is what the Lord has taught us.
BTW, do you have kids?
Remember, we get 2 chances in life for a "father/son" relationship.
One with our father and one with our children.
Remember that and be the best possible father you can be.0 -
Marc, I have been through the same. Didn't know my dad until I was 19. My suggestion is to NOT meet. Have NO contact. I WISH I would have done that. Sure, mine was "sorry" . uh huh ... You have made it this long in life with a donor who never contributed to your life, you can live the rest of your life without him. Somethings are not worth the headaches that WILL come from meeting him.
If you do meet you will only be doing him a favor, it will not be reciprocated.0 -
quote:Originally posted by Marc1301
I have thought all of this week, about airing this here, but have decided I would like some input from folks with different opinions.
This past weekend, my mom called, and informed me of something quite shocking,......at least to me!
She, and my biological father divorced when I was only three years old. For some "domestic issues", on his part, she gave up any, and all support, in return for full custody. I have never even seen a picture of the guy, much less seen, or spoken to him, in my life.
Nothing to cry about, as I had a terrific grandfather, and great-uncles, that gave me all of the manly guidance I could ever need.
I am not one of those people that ever used that issue as an excuse, or a reason to have a chip on my shoulder,........he was just always a "non-entity" to me. No hatred or ill thoughts about him ever,......just basically no thoughts at all!
The call was to inform me that he had tracked my mom down, and they have spoken on the phone for about seven hours to this point. These calls are about me. He is 69 years old, and never had any other children, even though he is married.
He supposedly has been looking for us for years through conventional means, and finally hired a P.I. to give a final try. Well the P.I. succeeded, but he chose to call my mom, instead of me.
She says he has carried guilt all of his life, and worried about what happened to me, and if I was affected by his irresponsible actions.
Trying to keep this as short as possible,.......he wants to fly here in the fall, and meet me, and "clear his soul" so to speak. He also wants to see his only child before his time is up,.......that would be me.
I have mixed feelings about doing it. I don't know if I want to get into a meeting, and or, discussion, about emotional things, on his part, that never affected me. I also don't hate him,......but would feel rather bad being honest, and telling him, I have never really given him a thought in my life.
My mom asked me, about the age of fifteen, if I would like for her to try and have him found. My response was,......What for? I eased her mind that all was fine, and there was no need for that.
At this point, I am being hit with "female compassion", from my mother, and fiance', who both feel I should meet him, and give an older man the chance to see his only son, and clear his soul.
I know this sounds like Dear Abbie, or something, but I really don't know how I feel about this right now.
Sorry for the length, but I needed to explain the situation properly.
Thanks,
Mark
I'd meet him...no question about it. That man had probably carried a ton of pain with him for his entire life.0 -
Next time you ask for our opinion, can you make the question easier?
How about "What brand of lawn mower should I buy?"
There is nothing I could say that other's haven't said. Good luck and do whatever is easier on your conscious.0 -
Marc1301, I understand your reluctance to meet with him after so many years but look at it this way. When you into your late 50's or 60 and you develope a health problem that could be heraditary and the doctor asks if it runs in the family what are you going to say. Gee doc I don't know or yes its very common on my fathers side of the family. It can make a big difference in your treatment. 0 -
What can it hurt to give someone a chance? 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Locust Fork
What can it hurt to give someone a chance?
Yeah, that's what I've been saying to my ex... [:p]0 -
quote:Originally posted by thesneakyrussian
quote:Originally posted by Locust Fork
What can it hurt to give someone a chance?
Yeah, that's what I've been saying to my ex... [:p]
Has he said yes yet?
I'm rooting for you two kids!
Hugs!0 -
DWS, you need help, neighbor. 0 -
yes to what....exactly? 0 -
Do what you feel is right. But think about the future if you don't will you regraet it later?? 0 -
I would do it out of curiosity and a new experience. 0 -
Meet him - nothing ventured, nothing gained.
... there very well may be a time in your later ;life
that you might sorely regret not having met him.
A simple "Hi." may lead to more than you can
imagine - or - maybe not. Give it a shot!
My 2?0
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