I Need Some Independent Advice!
I have thought all of this week, about airing this here, but have decided I would like some input from folks with different opinions.
This past weekend, my mom called, and informed me of something quite shocking,......at least to me!
She, and my biological father divorced when I was only three years old. For some "domestic issues", on his part, she gave up any, and all support, in return for full custody. I have never even seen a picture of the guy, much less seen, or spoken to him, in my life.
Nothing to cry about, as I had a terrific grandfather, and great-uncles, that gave me all of the manly guidance I could ever need.
I am not one of those people that ever used that issue as an excuse, or a reason to have a chip on my shoulder,........he was just always a "non-entity" to me. No hatred or ill thoughts about him ever,......just basically no thoughts at all!
The call was to inform me that he had tracked my mom down, and they have spoken on the phone for about seven hours to this point. These calls are about me. He is 69 years old, and never had any other children, even though he is married.
He supposedly has been looking for us for years through conventional means, and finally hired a P.I. to give a final try. Well the P.I. succeeded, but he chose to call my mom, instead of me.
She says he has carried guilt all of his life, and worried about what happened to me, and if I was affected by his irresponsible actions.
Trying to keep this as short as possible,.......he wants to fly here in the fall, and meet me, and "clear his soul" so to speak. He also wants to see his only child before his time is up,.......that would be me.
I have mixed feelings about doing it. I don't know if I want to get into a meeting, and or, discussion, about emotional things, on his part, that never affected me. I also don't hate him,......but would feel rather bad being honest, and telling him, I have never really given him a thought in my life.
My mom asked me, about the age of fifteen, if I would like for her to try and have him found. My response was,......What for? I eased her mind that all was fine, and there was no need for that.
At this point, I am being hit with "female compassion", from my mother, and fiance', who both feel I should meet him, and give an older man the chance to see his only son, and clear his soul.
I know this sounds like Dear Abbie, or something, but I really don't know how I feel about this right now.
Sorry for the length, but I needed to explain the situation properly.
Thanks,
Mark
This past weekend, my mom called, and informed me of something quite shocking,......at least to me!
She, and my biological father divorced when I was only three years old. For some "domestic issues", on his part, she gave up any, and all support, in return for full custody. I have never even seen a picture of the guy, much less seen, or spoken to him, in my life.
Nothing to cry about, as I had a terrific grandfather, and great-uncles, that gave me all of the manly guidance I could ever need.
I am not one of those people that ever used that issue as an excuse, or a reason to have a chip on my shoulder,........he was just always a "non-entity" to me. No hatred or ill thoughts about him ever,......just basically no thoughts at all!
The call was to inform me that he had tracked my mom down, and they have spoken on the phone for about seven hours to this point. These calls are about me. He is 69 years old, and never had any other children, even though he is married.
He supposedly has been looking for us for years through conventional means, and finally hired a P.I. to give a final try. Well the P.I. succeeded, but he chose to call my mom, instead of me.
She says he has carried guilt all of his life, and worried about what happened to me, and if I was affected by his irresponsible actions.
Trying to keep this as short as possible,.......he wants to fly here in the fall, and meet me, and "clear his soul" so to speak. He also wants to see his only child before his time is up,.......that would be me.
I have mixed feelings about doing it. I don't know if I want to get into a meeting, and or, discussion, about emotional things, on his part, that never affected me. I also don't hate him,......but would feel rather bad being honest, and telling him, I have never really given him a thought in my life.
My mom asked me, about the age of fifteen, if I would like for her to try and have him found. My response was,......What for? I eased her mind that all was fine, and there was no need for that.
At this point, I am being hit with "female compassion", from my mother, and fiance', who both feel I should meet him, and give an older man the chance to see his only son, and clear his soul.
I know this sounds like Dear Abbie, or something, but I really don't know how I feel about this right now.
Sorry for the length, but I needed to explain the situation properly.
Thanks,
Mark
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HE MAY HAVE GIVEN UP HIS LEGAL RIGHTS TO YOU BUT THERE IS NO GETTING RID OF YOUR THOUGHTS THEY STAY WITH YOU FOREVER...IN MY MIND HE IS STILL YOUR DAD,FATHER ECT...I THINK YOU NEED TO SEE OR TALK TO HIM...IF YOU JUST TAKE IT SLOW...MAYBE TALK OVER THE PHONE AND THEN LET IT WORK INTO MAYBE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM 0 -
Its no doubt that he is contacting you because he knows he is not getting any younger. You said yourself that you dont hate him, I would give him a chance. Might be interesting to see what you guys have in common(i.e. personality, interests, birthmarks) and find out about the other side of your family. Thats just my input, im pretty bad at holding a grudge. You mentioned that when asked to meet him as a kid you said what for, dont kick yourself (once its too late) when you ask what if. 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Locust Fork
yes to what....exactly?
Say goodnight, Gracie.
Clouder..0 -
quote:Originally posted by Marc1301
quote:If you don't like him, you could always kick his ass.
[:D][:D]
I was waiting for something from you,......and once again, you didn't disappoint!
He's old, I figure you can take him.[:0][:D]
Seriously, what do you have to lose?
Don0 -
"you had your chance years ago". how many 2nd chances have YOU had, it's time to give one. 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Marc1301
I have thought all of this week, about airing this here, but have decided I would like some input from folks with different opinions.
This past weekend, my mom called, and informed me of something quite shocking,......at least to me!
She, and my biological father divorced when I was only three years old. For some "domestic issues", on his part, she gave up any, and all support, in return for full custody. I have never even seen a picture of the guy, much less seen, or spoken to him, in my life.
Nothing to cry about, as I had a terrific grandfather, and great-uncles, that gave me all of the manly guidance I could ever need.
I am not one of those people that ever used that issue as an excuse, or a reason to have a chip on my shoulder,........he was just always a "non-entity" to me. No hatred or ill thoughts about him ever,......just basically no thoughts at all!
The call was to inform me that he had tracked my mom down, and they have spoken on the phone for about seven hours to this point. These calls are about me. He is 69 years old, and never had any other children, even though he is married.
He supposedly has been looking for us for years through conventional means, and finally hired a P.I. to give a final try. Well the P.I. succeeded, but he chose to call my mom, instead of me.
She says he has carried guilt all of his life, and worried about what happened to me, and if I was affected by his irresponsible actions.
Trying to keep this as short as possible,.......he wants to fly here in the fall, and meet me, and "clear his soul" so to speak. He also wants to see his only child before his time is up,.......that would be me.
I have mixed feelings about doing it. I don't know if I want to get into a meeting, and or, discussion, about emotional things, on his part, that never affected me. I also don't hate him,......but would feel rather bad being honest, and telling him, I have never really given him a thought in my life.
My mom asked me, about the age of fifteen, if I would like for her to try and have him found. My response was,......What for? I eased her mind that all was fine, and there was no need for that.
At this point, I am being hit with "female compassion", from my mother, and fiance', who both feel I should meet him, and give an older man the chance to see his only son, and clear his soul.
I know this sounds like Dear Abbie, or something, but I really don't know how I feel about this right now.
Sorry for the length, but I needed to explain the situation properly.
Thanks,
Mark
You're very nice. You call the man your biological father. I don't offer the asshat who beat my mother daily and then started to beat me (I was one when my mother ran away and left him) that sort of honor. I've never referred to him as anything other than the Sperm Donor.
Our situations are somewhat similar, to a point. As far as I know the Sperm Donor has never tried to track me down. But, my mother severed all ties with him, filed for divorce, and worked something out with the lawyers so that the Sperm Donor would sever all ties with me and not have to pay for support. My mother didn't want any part of him in our lives.
I have to admit that I've tried tracking him down. Not because I want to meet him -- I'm actually afraid I'll wind up in jail if I do -- rather, I want to find out his medical history. I've got some quirky medical conditions that don't come from my mother's side of the family and I'd like to know if what I've got is hereditary or not (so I can determine if I should waste money trying to prevent something from happening).
Here's my view on it, for what it is worth.
The man is trying to clear his soul. If it were me, I'd tell him/my mother that I'm not a priest and am not in a position to clear his soul. Should he need a soul-cleansing, he should find God and take it up with Him.
You have no ties with this man. You have no reasons, other than being pressured by the two most important women in your life to meet him. I might do so just to keep them happy, but it wouldn't be done on my behalf.
My situation is a bit different. I'm truly afraid I'd wind up in prison if I met the man face-to-face.
Good luck.0 -
Spaniels,.....yes yours is different, and I don't blame you for carrying those feelings.
The few times that he was ever spoken of, I used the "sperm donor" tag also,......sorry, it's the truth.
Also, unlike my mom, I don't think the one time "small" violent episode would have been the end of it, like she apparently does. There is too much evidence on that front, about a man crossing that line, especially when combined with alcohol.
She told me that she believes he couldn't find us easily, as we moved quite a distance away rather quickly, and as in your case, he wasn't even legally supposed to have any contact until I was an adult.
My mother seems to feel that he is really suffering with this. He supposedly said, "this is the greatest day of my life", when he called, and she answered the phone. She seems to think that somewhere in the back of my mind, I AM carrying "issues" over him around,......she just doesn't understand that I am a male, and don't have the same thought process as she, or my fiance' do, and that it truly never has bothered me. She has always been a religious woman, but has become more so, over the past decade,....not a "fanatic" mind you. Because of that, I am getting the "even if you don't care, it is the Christian thing to do". My fiance' is also of the same mindset, but is not bugging me about it, after expressing her thoughts.
I already have the medical info, so that is not a reason anymore. They went through that almost immediately, in the phone conversations.
Some of the negative responses,.....my gut feeling is to go with them, because now that he is back after almost 43 years asking me for something, I will admit that I feel a bit of anger for the first time in my life towards him. Does he think I am supposed to say, "thank God, you found me,...I have spent my entire life waiting for this!" NOT! Am I supposed to have "feelings" about this? I don't, at least not warm, fuzzy ones. I am remembering now, when my mom, would come home from work, shove down something to eat, and then take off for her night job, as a data entry person at a hospital. Sometimes she took me with her, and I would sleep there. She NEVER left me with anyone but my grandparents, or a close relative,......no babysitters, or daycare. She also never even dated again, until I was in my mid teens, as she felt it wrong for some reason, to take any time for herself, or to have "strange" men coming around. I hate how much of HER life that she missed, because of her responsible actions, caused by this irresponsible jerk.
He had some kind of an accident that caused him to have a low sperm count, and therefore was unable to have any other children,......so I am it.
On the other hand, it would be so much easier for me to just let him come here, and meet him, let him make his speech, and say goodbye.
For some reason, my mom, really seems to believe his story, and the guilt that he has. She is very intelligent, but is still a woman, with those feelings where you always want to believe the best about someone. I am not that way, and operate from an analytical, and logic based thought process,.....kind of like Spock, without the pointy ears. If I do the latter,.....the good part is there are a lot of miles between us, and he does not have the financial ability to become a PIA to me, if I wish to have no more contact.
Sorry for using this for a "free sounding board", and the novels, but it has helped, and I appreciate it a lot!
I think for now, I am just going to clear the head of it for a few weeks, and take it back under consideration then.
Thanks,
Mark0 -
You certainly don't owe him anything, but then a little compassion won't COST you anyting either, and it might just give an old man relief from a life time of guilt and self hatred. Of course I might not be objective, since I'm his age..
Black Roses has a point as well, there's more to the story, but then all stories have at least two angles to look from.
See the man. If you aren't holding a grudge, there should be no problem. If you are, then you're hurting yourself as well as him.
There might even be something to gain.0 -
Mark,
The Christian thing to do? Not hardly.
The Christian thing to do is for you to forgive your Sperm Donor of his sins against you. The Christian thing to do is NOT for you to subject yourself to having to see him face-to-face and discussing the weather with him. Going there under false pretenses ("Gee Dad, it is great to see you!") is a sin in an upon itself.
We are supposed to forgive and forget. I forget about the Sperm Donor unless a conversation like this brings up thoughts of it. I honestly don't think about the Sperm Donor except a couple times a year when I'm trying to figure out why something is happening to me. Then, it isn't a matter of anger toward him, it is medical information only.
Saying that, I can't say that I've forgiven him for the sins he committed against my mother. Like I said, if I met the man face-to-face the police would eventually be involved. I can't imagine not wanting to put the man on the ground and then put him under the ground for what he did. I can forgive him for what he did to me -- I don't care and it didn't hurt me as a kid or an adult (I have no memory of it and it caused me no problems as a child). But, what he did to my mother -- I do not forgive him for that.
Here's another way to look at it, far more rational and far less emotional: What will you get out of it?
You won't be nagged from your mother who wants you to see him.
You won't be nagged from your fiancee who wants you to see him.
These are the feelings I would consider since you have few of your own regarding the matter. Will you have to deal with this the rest of your life through your fiancee, or is this something that she'll just drop?
If it is something she'll just drop, then I'd say let the Sperm Donor find solace with God. It is not your responsibility, either as a human being or a christian, to help this man make peace with himself. If it is bound to be difficult for you to be in the same room with him, the easy answer is that you don't do it.
You've not sinned against this man. Therefore, there is no benefit to you to spend time with him and find a way for the two of you to make nice.
Jeff/spanielsells0 -
Jeff,.....no, my fiance' will not continue to ride me about this.
She expressed her opinion as to what she thought I should do, but that it was ultimately up to me.
She won't say anything else about it, unless I bring it up.
My mom, on the other hand,..........!0 -
quote:Originally posted by Marc1301
Jeff,.....no, my fiance' will not continue to ride me about this.
She expressed her opinion as to what she thought I should do, but that it was ultimately up to me.
She won't say anything else about it, unless I bring it up.
My mom, on the other hand,..........!
You don't have to sleep with your mom, and you mom can only make your life miserable if you allow her to. A wife, OTOH, has much more power.0 -
Mark - you have received widely varying opinions, based on widely varying experiences.
We will not have to bear the burden of your decision, whatever it is.
Follow your conscience, and don't look back.
I don't envy you. You are obviously really agonizing over this.
You might give a shot at some prayer, and maybe, some spiritual counseling.
Whatever you decide, I will completely support you.
Best wishes,
Doug0 -
quote:Originally posted by Marc1301
Yes,.......I understand, and she will probably not be a fiance' anymore by next spring![:D]
She is a very good woman, I run virtually everything, and make most all decisions. Believe it or not, she likes it that way!
PS: She also knows there is going to be a pre-nup, and has no problem with it at all.[:0]
Yeah I know. I've tried to get the wife interested in paying bills (mostly so she could understand how much her shoe fetish costs), but she has told me time and time again that I should just handle them, so I do.
I didn't do a prenup. I came to the table with money and she came to the table broke. She offered to sign one, I didn't want one. Relationships are based upon trust and understanding, and I'm of the opinion that nearly anything could be worked out.
Plus, I'm so friggin fugly that my wife should get at least half of everything just for touching me. [:D]0 -
Thanks Doug.
Yes, it's like I said before,.......like a ghost coming out of my past.
Never bothered me before, but as you could tell,......it is bothering me now somewhat.
I have never really thought about what life could have been like with a "full family", like some of you guys had. My life was, and is my life! Now because of this, I am going through thoughts long buried, of what my mom endured for us, and what she gave up for my well being.
I am thankful for her fortitude though, as my life might be totally different now, and hers could have become a "real" nightmare compared to what it was. We are very close, if you couldn't tell, and she and my fiance' are like best friends. My mother is 66 BTW.0 -
quote:Originally posted by Marc1301
Thanks Doug.
Yes, it's like I said before,.......like a ghost coming out of my past.
Never bothered me before, but as you could tell,......it is bothering me now somewhat.
I have never really thought about what life could have been like with a "full family", like some of you guys had. My life was, and is my life! Now because of this, I am going through thoughts long buried, of what my mom endured for us, and what she gave up for my well being.
I am thankful for her fortitude though, as my life might be totally different now, and hers could have become a "real" nightmare compared to what it was. We are very close, if you couldn't tell, and she and my fiance' are like best friends. My mother is 66 BTW.
What Doug says is true. In the end, this is your decision.
My wife and my mother are very close (thankfully). My MIL and I used to be very close until she went nutso one day and now my wife won't even talk to her.0 -
quote:Originally posted by Doug Wilson
Mark -
I'm sorry to have taken so long to put in my words, but here they are:
He means nothing to you.
Just for curiosity, I suggest you meet with him on neutral ground - like in a restaurant - and let him buy you supper.
You WILL learn things about your heritage that you don't now know, so it will be valuable to YOU. Let him do the talking, and ask him open ended questions that cause him to make detailed replies.
Your investment will be a few hours of time, and the return could possibly be important to you.
I went through a similar situation, and haven't seen or heard from the guy, since.
It will be worth the minimum effort you will invest.
Doug
+1 I agree Marc. Worth a couple of hours of your time to know about your history and about your father. I suspect at this stage of his life you will get the truth and be able to fill in some holes in the puzzle of your parents relationship.
I had a friend here in Portland that recently tracked down her mother and It was a very important event for the both of them. A major healing! Good Luck!0 -
Marc, I know that you have not let what happened years ago with your father cause you harm. Which is good of course. But sometimes we don't even know that we have had an injury until after it starts to heal. Just an observation that I've made in my own life. 0 -
Sav,......that is a valid point.
I am just going to go back to how I was before for a bit, as I have been thinking about this a lot, and now is not the time to make that decision.
I appreciate all the input, but now I believe it's time for the "psych" thread to disappear into the pages![;)]0 -
Mark,
If you ever want to chat about this, just let me know.
Jeff0 -
quote:Originally posted by spanielsells
Mark,
If you ever want to chat about this, just let me know.
Jeff
Will do,......and thanks Jeff!0 -
mark.. id meet with him just so he could see what you have become, and so you will not regret it..,but i'd do it in a setting other than your home, so if you feel the need to bail, you can. just my .02 0 -
Well years down the road I would not want to sit a wonder about chances not taken. You can always walk away. Could be great for all of you. 0 -
whether you do or not, it's up to you. there are plenty of good reasons one way or another that have been mentioned already.
you're saying if you do, what would you say to him and how do you think you're going to treat him? you need to fully understand what's going on, not only would you be better informed on what you want to say to him, but you would understand your role in this whole scenario. that hasn't been mentioned yet.
it is this: you are "his life". he knows he's going to die soon. it would make him feel much better seeing for himself that you are there, continuing on.
sure, he says he wants to talk things over, or straighten things out, or whatever, but that's the real reason, he probably doesn't even know it. so what are you going to say to him, knowing that he didn't mean much to you? understand that you two would be communicating from entirely different perspectives, with different things that you would want to get out of this exchange.
so, to understand what the consequences to him might be about what you might say, put aside your wants and needs, and see it from his viewpoint. he would feel bad if you told him he didn't mean much to you, and still don't. the worst thing you could do is tell him you don't like him.
but, what matters to you is, what you want to get out of this. I described the consequences because one thing you might want for yourself is a positive outcome for your old man. you might want him to feel better, or at least not feel bad about it. contrast this with the problems you wanted to tell him about. only you can decide what you want to say. maybe now you can figure it out better.0
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