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jimdeere
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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199 comments

Date Votes
  • jimdeere
    I was in a bar one Saturday night, when a big, mean biker-looking dude walked in. He looked like he was cruising for a fight, but the size and evil look on his face told me that he wouldn't find a dance pardner in that bar.
    He sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The room grew quiet. After a while, he turned to his left and bellowed, "Everyone on that side of the room is a son-of-a-betch!". The room remained quiet.
    Soon, he turned to his right and bellowed "Everyone on that side of the room is a fraggot!" Again, silence. Hearing a chair scuff the floor, he spun around on his bar stool and shouted to a fellow who had gotten out the chair, "Where in the hill do you think you're going?!". A rather effiminate fellow said:






    "I'm just getting on the right side of the room."
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  • jimdeere
    This may get poofed:

    Far into the future for human development humans acquire the need to feed on human parts. At the local meat market there was a special on human brains for the week. A patron comes in wanting some human brains and the butcher said we have a sale on them this week. American brains are 35 bucks a pound. English brains are 57.50 bucks a pound and Polish brains are 325.00 bucks a pound.. The patron said "What"? Polish brains 325.00 bucks a pound thats outragous, the Butcher amswered " Not in the least outragous when you realize how many polocks it takes to get a pound of brains???
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  • jimdeere
    >

    Green Bay Packers



    After the Packers/Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.

    During the Packers/Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.

    Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.

    During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.

    After the Packers/Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.

    After the Packers/Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.

    Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary was fired and replaced.

    During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.

    Is it just me.... or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?
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  • jimdeere
    quote:
    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.

    As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

    She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

    Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "It just worked for me" he replied .
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  • jimdeere
    Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts..
    The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
    When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
    The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
    The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
    Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
    George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
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  • jimdeere
    Now here is one that we all need to remember!



    A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services,

    when she was startled by an intruder.

    She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

    (Repent and be Baptized,

    in the name of Jesus Christ,

    so that your sins may be forgiven.)

    The burglar stopped in his tracks.

    The woman calmly called the police

    and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to

    take him in, he asked the burglar:

    'Why did you just stand there?

    All the old lady did was yell a

    scripture to you.'

    'Scripture?' replied the burglar.

    'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

    Send this to someone who needs

    a laugh today and remember:

    Knowing Scripture can save your

    life in more ways than one!
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  • jimdeere
    A pastor decides he'd like to have a bird for a pet so he goes to the pet store and sees a Parrot. The bird is very pretty and well colored so the pastor asks the proprietor about him. The more he hears about the bird the better he likes it, but he has one final question before he will buy it- the pastor tells the proprietor that he is a pastor and has visits at least once a day from parishoners, some of which are women that would be highly offended by off-color language, so how is the bird for language? the proprietor assures the pastor that the bird is very well mannered and doesn't even know andy swear words. So the pastor buys the bird and takes him home to the parsonage.

    Later in the day a group of women visit and they are enamoured with the bird. All evening each woman walks over to the bird. picks up a treat, holds it in front of the bird and says in a falsetto voice "Polly want a cracker?". the bird says to himsself- first of all, my name isn't Polly". By the end of the evening the bird is sick and tired of falsetto voiced women, crackers, and being called Polly; but finally all the parishoners leave and the pastor puts a cover on the birds home and the parrot goes to sleep, hoping that the next day will bring parishoners that are more civilized in their treatment of him.

    But to his surprise, as the pastor pulls the cover from the birdcage the first words out of his mouth are a squeakie "Polly want a cracker?" this is more than the bird can take and he loses his temper, calling out in a loud voice to the pastor "Oh just blow it out your ear!!"

    The pastor is stunned, but recovers quickly and grabs the parrot, marches over to the freezer, pitches the vird in and slams the door. After about ten minutes, he opens the freezer door and takes the shivering bird out. He holds the bird up and asks him if he learned his lesson regarding language like that. The bird responds that he did.

    The pastor then asks the parrot if he has any questions. The parrot says he has just one:"WHAT DID THE TURKEY SAY?"
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  • jimdeere
    A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved into his temple.
    Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
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  • jimdeere
    Three men were playing a round of golf one day when the topic of their sons came up. One of the men said, "My son lives in South Florida and is in real estate. He is doing great. In fact, he is doing so well that he recently bought a house for one of his friends. I couldn't be more proud of him." The second man said, "My son is also living in South Florida and doing well. He is an investment banker and recently bought a friend of his a BMW. He is all I ever wanted him to turn out to be."

    The third man didn't say anything. The first man asked about his son. He replied, "Well, I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but my son is gay. But I guess he is happy. He has met some great friends at some clubs. In fact, one of his friends has recently given him a home to live in and another friend has purchased him a BMW."
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  • jimdeere
    Poofed1.gif

    You knew it would happen.

    nunn


    Edit: Yeah, I figured as much.
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  • jimdeere
    A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
    18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a
    rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write
    with it.

    When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabber-
    gasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well,
    that's great....some a-s--le got my pen
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  • jimdeere
    After an evening having sex with a new lover a man looks on her nightstand and notices a picture of a man, worried he asks her:

    "Is that your husband?"

    "No" she answers "I'm not married"

    "Is that your boyfriend?"

    "No, till tonight I haven't been seeing any one"

    "Is that your brother?"

    "No, I'm an only child"

    Then finally he ask "May I ask who that is?"

    She answers.....










    Wait for it.......











    "That's me before the surgery"
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  • jimdeere
    A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a
    turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

    Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
    to deflect it.

    Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

    The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
    you stupid Catholic b---h."

    She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,
    you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-humper."
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  • jimdeere
    A man stumbles up to the other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "you don't say, I'm from Ireland too! let's have another round for Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "what school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says, "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65." About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "the O"Malley twins are drunk again"
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  • jimdeere
    A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks the bartender "Is this stool taken?"

    Pa rum pum...
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  • jimdeere
    What do John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh have in common??????????
































    Their middle names man!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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  • jimdeere
    Lets start Sat with a joke.
    What is a yankee!
    Te same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.

    Why is divorce so expensive!
    Because its worth it.

    Why is air a lot like sex!
    Because its no big deal unless you re not getting any,

    Those who live by the sword will be killed by those who dont. Glyn
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  • jimdeere
    A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
    "I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
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  • jimdeere
    I was in a pub last Saturday night. Had a few....and noticed two very large women at the bar.
    They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you ladies from Scotland?"

    One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

    So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

    That's all I remember
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  • jimdeere
    An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard . She slipped and fell.

    Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "

    The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''No way, I fell on my but ... not on my head......
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  • jimdeere
    An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

    While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
    smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette
    sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
    remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

    Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
    the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
    railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With
    labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
    into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he
    would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
    spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
    literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle
    cookies.


    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
    from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to
    it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
    towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled
    posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
    the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
    him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
    its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it
    was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

    "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."


    NRA MEMBER
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  • jimdeere
    A terrorist group announces over the radio during a traffic jam thay have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton. They say if they dont get 50 million buck theyre going to set them on fire. So hearing this a man gets out of his car and starts asking for donations. He goes car to car and he finally gets to me. I say what are you doing? He says im collecting donations to help this terrorist thing get over with. I said, well how much is everyone giving on average? He says, About a gallon! -dave-
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  • jimdeere
    I had to clean it up a little.....

    Whores & Hockey Players.
    A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
    very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads
    of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
    he'll ask his manager about it.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
    "Some " A hole" wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
    behind him, So he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
    the other half."

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
    manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
    out of that situation earlier.
    We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

    'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
    "Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
    'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada '

    'No " Sttt?" replied the boy.
    'Who'd she play for?'

    [:D]
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  • jimdeere
    THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

    The Parking Ticket
    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
    Well, for example,
    the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
    We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
    When we came out, there was a cop writing out
    a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
    a senior citizen a break?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
    writing another ticket for having worn tires.
    So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
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  • jimdeere
    The first time I read this quote, I thought it was
    Dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would
    This apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how
    Absurd it is.

    * You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and
    Become district manager
    After 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't become chief of surgery
    After 143 days of experience of being a surgeon.

    * You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be
    The superintendent after 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't join the military and become a
    Colonel after a 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't get a job as a reporter and
    Become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience.

    BUT....
    * 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in
    As a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a
    Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the
    Senate.

    * That's how many days the Senate was
    Actually in session and working.

    * After 143 days of work experience, Obama
    Believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief,
    Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham
    Lincoln,FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?

    We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a
    Good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.

    AND, strangely, a large sector of the American
    Public seems to feel comfortable with this and
    Are campaigning for him.

    We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work,
    Yet some are OK with this
    For the President of the United States of America?
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  • jimdeere
    A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida everglades while
    on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in
    the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
    vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of
    one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll
    just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'
    The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you
    go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined
    to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving
    >> home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky
    water, shotgun in hand. As he grinds his car to a stop, he sees a huge
    9-foot gator swim ming r apidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the
    blond takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery
    bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The
    shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde
    struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling
    her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration: ' WELL CRAP ! THIS
    ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'
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  • jimdeere
    a farmer walked into a bar,ordered a beer ,got a smoke out but had no lighter. the bartend gave him one from a huge lighter behind the counter. the farmer ask where he got that lighter? the bartend answered,from the genie in that bottle over there. the farmer picked the bottle up and out popped the genie,sayingyou have 1 wish. the farmer replied i want a million bucks.the genie said go home and find your wish.the farmer drove as fast as he could and when he arrived home he seen a million white ducks all over his farm,he turned around and went back to town and told the bartend ,hey , i said a million bucks not ducks. the bartend said ,you don't think i ask for a 12 inch bic do ya[:D]
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  • jimdeere
    A man is running down his hallway after he heard a bump in the night, all of a sudden out of no where a man appears. Not having time to raise his weapon the man if forced to surrender to the intruder.
    CLICK!, the man turns around and sees the indtruder racking the slide and ejecting a steel cased round, raises up and CLICK, by then the man had tooken the intuders weapon away and a round did go off(finnaly) striking the intruder in the head killing him. (though seemeing afuwl dirty)
    Years later when the man dies he is in heaven asking God some questions he has always wanted to know one of them being, "why when the intruder broke into my house, you kept the rounds from going off and WHY? were they so dirty."
    God simply replied," Oh no, it was not me... (look down)






























































    It was Wolf[:D][:D]
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  • jimdeere
    What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

    About 15 years and 50 lbs.
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  • jimdeere
    Just a trying to cool the room off a bit! [:)]

    An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade
    >his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only
    >son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.
    >The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
    >his predicament.
    >________________________________________________
    >Dear Bubba,
    >I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
    >be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just
    >getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you
    >were here, all my troubles would be over. I know
    >you would dig the plot for me.
    >Love, Dad
    >________________________________________________
    >A few days later he received a letter from his son.
    >Dear Dad,
    >For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
    >that's where I buried the BODIES.
    >Love, Bubba
    >________________________________________________
    >At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local
    >police showed up and dug up the entire area without
    >finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
    >and left. That same day the old man received another
    >letter from his son.
    >_______________________________________________
    >Dear Dad,
    >Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. This was the
    >best I could do under the circumstances.
    >Love, Bubba
    [:D]
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