JOKE
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
Subject: 2012
>>
>> Johnny was in the egg business.. He had several hundred young layers
>> (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept
>> records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
>> replaced.
>>
>> This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
>> to
>> his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
>> distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch
>> and
>> fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
>>
>> John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this
>> morning
>> he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate,
>> he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but
>> the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
>>
>> To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he
>> had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
>> do his job and walk on to the next one.
>>
>> John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and
>> he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
>>
>> The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize
>> but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
>>
>> Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure
>> out
>> how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
>> the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
>> weren't paying attention.
>>
>> Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible0 -
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said,
>"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A short time
>later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his
son.
>"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son
>answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was
>quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
the
>skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath
when
>the
>wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
or
>scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two
chipmunks
>crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take
them
>with
>us? Well, I guess I just panicked!"0 -
First Irish Farmer:"my cow fell down a hole and i had to shoot it." Second Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?" First Irish Farmer: "Nope.....in the head" 0 -
A grandfather was eating breakfast with his 10 year old granddaughter when he asked if she knew what tomorrow was. Without skipping a beat, she replied "Yes, it's Presidents Day". She is smart, so he asked, "And do you know what that means?" She answered, "Yep, sure do.".
Waiting, he expected something thoughtful about Reagan, Clinton, Bush or Obama. Instead she continued, "Well, it is when President Obama sticks his head out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of cow cookies!".0 -
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette
sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With
labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle
cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to
it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled
posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it
was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
NRA MEMBER0 -
I got this in my email today. If its been posted already, please ignore.
>> >A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were
>> > sitting in their pews and talking.
>> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>> > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
>> > trampling
>> > each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
>> > Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly
> sitting
>> > in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
>> > ultimate enemy was in his presence.
>> > So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
>> > "Yep, sure do."
>> > "Aren't you afraid of me?"
>> > "Nope, sure ain't."
>> > "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
>> > "Don't doubt it for a minute."
>> > "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
> agony
>> > for all eternity??"
>> > "Yep", was the calm reply.
>> > "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
>> > "Nope."
>> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
>> > afraid
>> > of
>> > me?"
>> > The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68
>> > years."
[:)][:)]0 -
THE WOMAN POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
THE MAN POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.0 -
After an evening having sex with a new lover a man looks on her nightstand and notices a picture of a man, worried he asks her:
"Is that your husband?"
"No" she answers "I'm not married"
"Is that your boyfriend?"
"No, till tonight I haven't been seeing any one"
"Is that your brother?"
"No, I'm an only child"
Then finally he ask "May I ask who that is?"
She answers.....
Wait for it.......
"That's me before the surgery"0 -
Three men were playing a round of golf one day when the topic of their sons came up. One of the men said, "My son lives in South Florida and is in real estate. He is doing great. In fact, he is doing so well that he recently bought a house for one of his friends. I couldn't be more proud of him." The second man said, "My son is also living in South Florida and doing well. He is an investment banker and recently bought a friend of his a BMW. He is all I ever wanted him to turn out to be."
The third man didn't say anything. The first man asked about his son. He replied, "Well, I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but my son is gay. But I guess he is happy. He has met some great friends at some clubs. In fact, one of his friends has recently given him a home to live in and another friend has purchased him a BMW."0 -
About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER."
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."0 -
*Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person
in the world.'*
**
*So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. 'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially
the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
said: 'Who is Rosie O'Donnell ?'*0 -
A terrorist group announces over the radio during a traffic jam thay have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton. They say if they dont get 50 million buck theyre going to set them on fire. So hearing this a man gets out of his car and starts asking for donations. He goes car to car and he finally gets to me. I say what are you doing? He says im collecting donations to help this terrorist thing get over with. I said, well how much is everyone giving on average? He says, About a gallon! -dave- 0 -
sorry about the > i did not have time to takem out [V]
The Rev. Al Sharpton
Rev. Al Sharpton got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
>
>
>
> The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Rev. Al, and told him to drink it all.
>
>
>
> Rev. Al drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like oatmeal!'
>
>
>
> The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'0 -
Three brothers were laid off at the sawmill. They loaded up in the truck and went looking for another job. They tried every place in town but no one was hiring. As a last resort, one suggested they try the airport. The first brother went in the managers office and asked for a job. "What skills do you have?" the manager asked. "Well, I worked at the sawmill for 20 years" said the brother. "I'm sorry, we don't have anything for you" said the manager. The second brother went in and heard the same response. The third brother said "I might as well go ask, too." A while later he came out and said "I got a job!". The first brother said "Why in the world would he hire you and not us?" The third brother said "Well, I told him I was a pilot."
The second brother said "Yea, but you can't pile it 'til we saw it!"0 -
Salaam alaikum,
Here's a good one. No offence to anyone, ok?
A man dashes into the Pope's office, panting, gasping, and trying to speak all at once.
"What's the matter?" the Pope asks, offering the man a seat.
"Oh your Grace!" the man exclaims, flopping on the chair. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news," the Pope says.
"Oh your Grace! JESUS is on the phone and he wants to speak to you!" the panting man exclaims.
"Praise the Lord!" the jubilant Pope replies, "What could the bad news possibly be?"
"Your Grace, he's calling from Mecca!" [:D][}:)]
[:D]0 -
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago Park when a crazed Rottweiler suddenly attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.
A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Cub Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Cubs fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago and you aren't a Cubs fan, I just assumed you had to be a Sox," says the reporter and starts writing again.
"Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Colts fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:
"Little punk From Indiana Kills Beloved Family Pet!"0 -
Lets start Sat with a joke.
What is a yankee!
Te same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive!
Because its worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex!
Because its no big deal unless you re not getting any,
Those who live by the sword will be killed by those who dont. Glyn0 -
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'0 -
One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Alex."
"Good morning sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.
The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
_________________0 -
A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car. The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?" "Because you got an F in sex."[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]0 -
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
DarkStar11Walk In Peace...But Carry A Big Stick
Edited by - DarkStar11 on 05/07/2002 15:52:010 -
my 9 YO told me this last night:
a black kid and his sister dressed as George and Martha Washington for Halloween. Went to the old lady's house and said "trick or treat". Old lady tells them they can't be George and Martha 'cause they are black.
the go home and change to go as Abe and his wife. Old lady tells them the lincolns weren't black.
the black kids go home, strip nekkid, and go to the old lady's house. When she recovers from the shock she asks who they are.
The black boy says "we are Hershy bars, one with nuts, one without".0 -
You knew it would happen.
nunn
Edit: Yeah, I figured as much.0 -
A couple of gay guys were walking down the street. A pretty blond suddenly pops out of a local shop and walks past them.
One the the gay guys looks back at her and sighs to the other one, Gosh, it's times like that I wish I were a lesbian.0 -
It looks like John Boehner will be the new speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children who grew up in a two-room home with just one bathroom. He worked his way through school and became the first person in his family to graduate from college. Then, sadly, he fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress. 0 -
DAMN TRACTOR!
A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, but I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy wasn't very happy with that answer but he did understand the situation and said, "Okay, Dad, I understand."
A week later, his 10 year old son approached saying he was hoping he'd get a two-wheel bicycle for his upcoming birthday.
Well, of course he got the same answer. "......as soon as that tractor is paid for........ "
The following month his youngest son began bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, he got the same lecture about the tractor being paid for first..
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little upset about the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly kicked the rooster clean off the hen's back, mumbling to himself as he did.
His dad says, "Son, that is not an acceptable thing to do to any animal!
You certainly know better than that! Why on earth would you do something like that when that rooster wasn't bothering you in the least?"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Listen, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."0 -
One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and
dies.
He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for
him.
"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."
The devil led him to the door of
the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
Obama looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."0 -
Never fear, the annointed one is back home. [xx(][8] 0 -
Let's see how long- or even if- this gets poofed. I've had people in stiches all day with this joke...
Apologies if it's already been posted.
-Plink
Burt always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some
on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He
walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything
different about me?'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Burt storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again Tomorrow.'
Furious, Burt yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Burt. Shoulda bought a hat.'0 -
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE
The Parking Ticket
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example,
the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out
a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.0
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