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cahas
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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202 comments

Date Votes
  • cahas
    A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
    whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
    Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

    "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
    a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the
    Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
    learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

    The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
    had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
    was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

    The seedy LtCdr staggered his way over to the piano while
    several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
    music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
    soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished
    there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

    The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
    name of the song he had just played.

    It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
    For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
    it empty, "I wrote it myself."

    The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
    player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
    that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
    pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
    told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

    He then excused himself and lurched to the john.

    When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy,
    the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
    hanging out?"

    "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".
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  • cahas
    A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This beocmes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offed me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll alwasy be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs..
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  • cahas
    Rumor has it that Congressman Anthony Weiner is not really in re-hab, and he is going to announce he is running for president.


    He has chosen Attorney General Eric Holder as his running mate.
    Get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early, before they are all gone.
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  • cahas
    This is for my buddy that wont talk to me[:o)][:D]




    NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN ARKANSAS

    Two hillbillies walk into a DairyQueen. While having a
    couple of DQ Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine
    operation.

    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,eating a chicken
    sandwich, begins to cough.

    After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real
    distress.

    One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
    swallar?"

    The woman shakes her head no.

    "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes
    widen and shakes her head no.

    The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the
    back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her
    right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
    the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to
    breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

    His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
    Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.
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  • cahas
    Now here is one that we all need to remember!



    A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services,

    when she was startled by an intruder.

    She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

    (Repent and be Baptized,

    in the name of Jesus Christ,

    so that your sins may be forgiven.)

    The burglar stopped in his tracks.

    The woman calmly called the police

    and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to

    take him in, he asked the burglar:

    'Why did you just stand there?

    All the old lady did was yell a

    scripture to you.'

    'Scripture?' replied the burglar.

    'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

    Send this to someone who needs

    a laugh today and remember:

    Knowing Scripture can save your

    life in more ways than one!
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  • cahas
    Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts..
    The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
    When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
    The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
    The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
    Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
    George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.
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  • cahas
    quote:
    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.

    As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

    She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

    Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

    "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

    "It just worked for me" he replied .
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  • cahas
    I had not heard this one before. I liked it and thought I would share it.

    A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Carolina recently with two ice chests full of fish.
    He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

    The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
    'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

    'Pet fish?'

    'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

    'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

    The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then Said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

    'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

    The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

    After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

    'Well, what?', says the redneck.

    The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

    'Call who back?'

    'The FISH', replied the warden!

    'What fish?', replied the redneck.

    Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

    You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
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  • cahas
    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please,excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see."

    "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

    "Well, I really don't know," replied the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

    So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

    The bunny replied, "I can't thank you enough! But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny
    agreed to examine him.

    When the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal
    am I?"

    The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery and you haven't got any balls. You must be a Democrat."
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  • cahas
    One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

    The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

    With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
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  • cahas
    A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ...the United States Marines .you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

    I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that bababooey. He was in the Air Force.
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  • cahas
    Subject: Good Joke! :) HAAHAA!

    Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
    "OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic.



    But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
    Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's int elligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know poop?"
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  • cahas
    A man approaches a young lady at a bar and says:

    'Gee, you remind me of my little toe.'

    She giggles, and asks:

    'Is that because I'm so small and cute.'

    'No', he replies.

    'It's because I think I'm gonna get drunk tonight and bang you on the coffee-table.'
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  • cahas
    A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. Te wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
    He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
    thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
    Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.
    Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.


    Larry
    runroom_x.gif
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  • cahas
    The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
    school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.


    The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
    the word "tragedy." So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an
    example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
    friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor
    comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."


    "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."


    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
    over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'


    I'm afraid not, "explains the exalted Reverend Al. That's what we would
    call a great loss."


    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.


    Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
    an example of a tragedy?"


    Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern
    voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton
    were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'


    "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
    tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


    "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great
    loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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  • cahas
    Queen Elizabeth
    and


    Dolly Parton

    die on the same day and they both go
    before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.



    Unfortunately,

    there's only one space left that day,

    so the Angel must decide which of them
    gets in.

    The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
    should go to Heaven.

    Dolly takes off her top and says,

    "Look at these,

    they're the most
    perfect breasts

    God ever created,

    and I'm sure it will please God to
    be able to see them every day,

    for eternity."

    The Angel thanks Dolly,

    and asks

    Her Majesty the same question.

    The
    Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,



    shakes it up, and gargles.

    Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.



    The Angel
    says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

    Dolly is outraged and asks,

    "What was that all about?

    I show you two
    of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

    She spits into a
    commode and she gets in!

    Would you explain that to me?"

    "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,

    "but even in Heaven,



    a royal flush


    beats a pair -


    no matter how big they are.
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  • cahas
    A little humor for friday.

    Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

    The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

    The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'''
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  • cahas
    [securedownload-1.jpgimg]
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  • jabronij3
    wth [|)]
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  • cahas
    Eats chutes and leaves(EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES) Get it now?
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  • drsck
    Ah.... It was the title of a book FOUR years ago. Right on top of things aren't we?
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  • matwor
    It would be funny if they actually ate lettuce, everybody knows they eat bamboo!! DUH!!!
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