JOKE
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
This lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looks
in her phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.
When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy
asks, "Is it a male or female?"
"Male," she replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a
shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some
instructions.
"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until
he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite
the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to
protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."
The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before
the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 1785
0 -
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."0 -
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each ofyou one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With=2 0the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'0 -
I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President,
what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd
give food and houses to all the homeless people." "Wow - what a worthy goal!" I told her. "You
don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds,
and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then, I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house." She thought that over for a few
moments because she's only 6 years old. And while her Mom glared at me, the young child looked me straight in the
eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her folks still aren't talking to me.0 -
Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
You're gonna love it...
It's the one with the little sticker that says...
I - DA - HO0 -
Subject: the rabbit
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit
jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again
and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Larry0 -
This may get poofed:
Far into the future for human development humans acquire the need to feed on human parts. At the local meat market there was a special on human brains for the week. A patron comes in wanting some human brains and the butcher said we have a sale on them this week. American brains are 35 bucks a pound. English brains are 57.50 bucks a pound and Polish brains are 325.00 bucks a pound.. The patron said "What"? Polish brains 325.00 bucks a pound thats outragous, the Butcher amswered " Not in the least outragous when you realize how many polocks it takes to get a pound of brains???0 -
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 15 years and 50 lbs.0 -
Airline securityFederal Aviation Agency800 Independence Avenue S.W.Washington D.C. 20591Dear Sirs:I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.Now why didn't Congress think of this?Sincerely,Bill Clinton 0 -
Just a trying to cool the room off a bit! [:)]
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade
>his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only
>son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.
>The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
>his predicament.
>________________________________________________
>Dear Bubba,
>I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
>be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just
>getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you
>were here, all my troubles would be over. I know
>you would dig the plot for me.
>Love, Dad
>________________________________________________
>A few days later he received a letter from his son.
>Dear Dad,
>For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
>that's where I buried the BODIES.
>Love, Bubba
>________________________________________________
>At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local
>police showed up and dug up the entire area without
>finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
>and left. That same day the old man received another
>letter from his son.
>_______________________________________________
>Dear Dad,
>Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. This was the
>best I could do under the circumstances.
>Love, Bubba
[:D]0 -
A old eastern Ky. Farmer had a wife who naged him From morning to dark and then some. Well he took to plowing the back 40 2 or 3 times a week so he didn't have to listen to her. One day she brought his lunch out to him. He no sooner got set down on a stump to eat when she staryted in " NAG, NAG" Well the mule was tired of it too. The mule hauled off and kicked her so hard she was dead before she hit the ground.
A couple days later, at the funnerl the preist noticed some thing odd. All the women who went to talk to the old man would say a few words and the old man would nod his head, every one no exception. When the men went to talk yo him he would shack his no, every man there.
Well the preast got to wondering what was going on,so he just up and asked the old man. "Well all the women said how good my wife looked and how nice she was dressed."
scrool down
"And all the men wanted to know if the mule was for sale."0 -
His name was Bubba, he was from Alabama ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a brand new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from University Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.0 -
A huge billboard sign states -
"Need Help, Call Jesus at 1-800-123-4567"
Wondering who would answer, called 1-800-123-4567 and got an answering machine requesting address of where help was needed. The address was left on the answering machine.
Then next day at 7AM, a mexican kid shows up with a lawnmower.
[:D]0 -
What do John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh have in common??????????
Their middle names man!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA0 -
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, "PIG!"
Man yells out window, "onager!"
Man rounds next curve...
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
If only men would listen.
rcdis0 -
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."0 -
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
An! d round ed and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole blessed thing.0 -
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing theTexas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and
discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I
work....You have three wishes.
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy...'I'm
not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides
that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
food and drink.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters o
f delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure
chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says....
'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going
to be a string attached.0 -
A man stumbles up to the other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "you don't say, I'm from Ireland too! let's have another round for Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "what school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says, "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65." About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "the O"Malley twins are drunk again" 0 -
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
the balcony with Bubba"?0 -
guy calls 911. Sir What is your emergency? I think my wife is dead. Sir why do you think your wife is dead? Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up. 0 -
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a
turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
to deflect it.
Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
you stupid Catholic b---h."
She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,
you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-humper."0 -
Why do men have 2 heads and a women has 4 lips because men do all the thinking and women do all the talking. 0 -
TRAFFIC CONTROL
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but alas, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was SO heavy and
SO fast that his chickens were being run over at the rate of three to six a day.
So one day, Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got
to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all
of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," answered Farmer John, " just do something about those crazy
drivers!"
So the next day, the sheriff had the county workers erect a sign that
said.... SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later, Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The "School Crossing" sign seems to make
them go even faster."
So again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign... SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called
every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just
about ANYTHING to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided
to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you
put up your own sign?"
"Oh, sure I did, and not one chicken has been killed since, but I'm very
busy and I've got to go," Farmer John replied and hung up.
The sheriff was really curious now and he though to himself, "I'd better
go out there and take a look at that sign...it might be something WE could
use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the
moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood...
NUDIST COLONY ....
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
.
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 17850 -
A BUM, WHO OBVIOUSLY HAS SEEN MORE THAN HIS SHARE OF HARD TIMES, APPROACHES A WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN ON THE STREET.
"HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE TWO BUCKS?"
THE WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN RESPONDS, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPEND IT ON LIQUOR, ARE YOU?"
"NO SIR, I DON'T DRINK", RETORTS THE BUM.
"YOU AREN'T GOING TO THROW IT AWAY ON SOME FISHING GEAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE GENTLEMAN.
"NO WAY, I DON'T FISH", ANSWERS THE BUM.
"YOU WOULDN'T WASTE THE MONEY ON A HUNTING LICENSE,
WOULD YOU?" ASKS THE MAN.
"NEVER", SAYS THE BUM, "I DON'T HUNT".
"YOU WOULDN'T SPEND IT ON A TWO-BIT WHORE, WOULD YOU?"
"OH NO", SAYS THE BUM, "I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN YEARS."
THE MAN ASKS THE BUM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO COME HOME
WITH HIM FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL. THE BUM ACCEPTS EAGERLY. WHILE THEY ARE HEADING FOR THE MANS HOUSE, THE BUM'S CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF HIM.
"ISN'T YOUR WIFE GOING TO BE ANGRY WHEN SHE SEE A GUY LIKE ME AT YOUR TABLE?"
"PROBABLY", SAYS THE MAN, "BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I WANT
HER TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK, FISH, HUNT, OR HAVE SEX".0 -
This guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and took him into a great, beautiful, magnificent building. The guy notices clocks everywhere. He asks St. Peter what the clocks are for.
St. Peter says that each person on earth has a clock. Not for their death but for how many times they lied in their lives.
The guy goes to one clock and it read zero on the clock. He asked whose clock this one was.
St. Peter said it was Sister Teresas clock. She told no lies.
The guy then asked about a clock that said two lies.
St. Peter said that the clock was Abe Lincolns clock. For he only told two lies.
The guy then thought a few seconds. He said I would like to see John Kerry's clock.
St. Peter said, We don't keep that one in here, we keep it in the entrance way, we needed a fan in that room.0 -
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."0 -
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
[xx(]0 -
0
-
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
'From now on, you need to know that I am the man
of this house and my
word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of
sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The f---kin' funeral
director would be my first guess"...0
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