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cahas
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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202 comments

Date Votes
  • cahas
    The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
    Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
    "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
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  • cahas
    Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.


    Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.


    Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.


    Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.


    Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"


    Carlos looks at Jose's sign.


    It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"

    [8D][:D][8D]
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  • cahas
    A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks the bartender "Is this stool taken?"

    Pa rum pum...
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  • cahas
    This is for the GD forum

    7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.

    7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.

    7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship.
    Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

    8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    8:05 P.M . Ceremonial tree hugging.

    8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.

    8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.

    9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French
    President Jacques Chirac.

    9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.

    9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo
    Bay with Sean Penn.

    9:40 P.M. Why I hate the military, a short talk by William Jefferson
    Clinton.

    9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented
    by Michael Moore.

    9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World
    Trade Center Towers -- Howard Dean.

    10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.

    11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.

    11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry.

    11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

    12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home!




    ???? Oh also why was this post deleted?
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  • cahas
    One day a woman was out selling air freshener. She walks around the city lookin for office buildings and she finds one that is about 100 stories tall. She went in and got on the elevator, she decided to go up to the top floor. When the door closed the elevator took off and gave her a good jolt, she suddenly farted. Embarrassed by her loss of control she decided to cover the horrible smell with her air freshner products. She dug around in her bag and chose to use a pine fresh scent, so she sprays the inside of elevator while she is going up. Somewhere around the 30th floor the elevator stops and an elderly man gets on . She being unsure of air freshner success decides to have a chat with the man. She asks him if he noticed the fresh smell in the elevator when he got on. The man stood straight up, took in a deep breath, thought for a minute or two and tells her " Mam, it smells like someone fooey a pine tree"!

    "Keep turnin to the RIGHT"
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  • cahas
    A man was sitting out on the porch of his rural home enjoying a cup of coffee. He spotted a chicken out in the road. It was weird since no one within miles raised chickens.

    The man went out to the road and scooped the chicken up, took her to his pole barn and fixed up a nice roost for her. Then he drove into town and bought a bag of chicken feed and thought about the good eggs he would be getting.

    The next morning took his coffee to the pole barn and reached under the chicken and was surprised to find a shiny new penny and left some feed for the chicken. Well the next morning he reached under the chicken and found a shiny new nickel. Most unusual he thought and left some feed out for the chicken. On the third day he found a dime. By now he had become attached to this chicken, wanted an occasional egg, and concerned the chicken must be sick.

    The man found an old cage, put the chicken in and drove to town to see the vet.

    After hearing the man's story, the vet examined the chicken and ran a test. He pronounced the chicken was normal.

    The man said how could that be?

    The vet repeated that the chicken was fine and


    wait



    wait



    wait


    here it is





    the chicken was going through the change. [:0][:o)]
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  • cahas
    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

    That's when the proctologist fainted.


    Better to have and not need, than need and not have.
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  • cahas
    A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
    "I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
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  • cahas
    A Country boy from Kentucky walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

    The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

    The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The
    loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

    Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

    An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

    Two weeks later, the Countryboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

    The Kentucky Countryboy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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  • cahas
    Whats the difference between Bachman and Mrs Obama?


























    Playboy and national geographic.[:0]
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  • cahas
    It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

    St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and & pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

    He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

    "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
    "OK, picture this.... I'm naked..... hiding inside a refrigerator......"


    The gene pool needs chlorine.
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  • cahas
    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

    The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please do you have water?". The Jew replied "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes". The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"

    "OK" said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about 4 miles you will find a very nice restaurant. Go! Walf that way. THe restaurant has all the water you can drink."

    The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish mans table. The Jew said "I told you the restaurant with the water is over the hill. Could you not find it?"

    "I found it" the Aarab rasped "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!" Gunn Landry


    "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference...The Marines don't have that problem" Ronald Reagan
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  • cahas
    A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

    The walls opened, and the lady waddled into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

    They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous and stacked 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

    'Go get your Mother'
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  • cahas
    I had to clean it up a little.....

    Whores & Hockey Players.
    A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
    very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads
    of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
    he'll ask his manager about it.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
    "Some " A hole" wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
    behind him, So he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
    the other half."

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
    manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
    out of that situation earlier.
    We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

    'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
    "Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
    'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada '

    'No " Sttt?" replied the boy.
    'Who'd she play for?'

    [:D]
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  • cahas
    A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

    'What's that mean?' asked the child.

    'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

    Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'



    The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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  • cahas
    Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.*

    CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?*

    Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!*
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  • cahas
    Kermit the frog found out he had Swine Flu.. The last thing he said was "That pig said she was clean!"
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  • cahas
    I was in a pub last Saturday night. Had a few....and noticed two very large women at the bar.
    They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you ladies from Scotland?"

    One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

    So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

    That's all I remember
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  • cahas
    AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
    BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
    OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
    WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
    SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

    THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
    THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND!
    PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

    THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
    OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
    UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
    TO HER VIBRATOR.
    TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M
    THIRTY- FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER
    GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

    A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
    GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
    FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

    SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
    DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM
    ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

    THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

    THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW
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  • cahas
    A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued...Again,"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus!!
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  • cahas
    My neighbors the lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex it was very nice of them,but I think they miss understood me when I said
    " I wanna watch "
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  • cahas
    Seen this one before, but still a good one..specially during these times.


    A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:

    "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 10 Taliban!"

    The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.

    The voice then calls out, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 100 Taliban!"

    Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

    The American voice calls out once more, "One U.S. Special Forces soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban!"

    The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.

    Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, "Don't send any more men! It's a trap-there are two of them!"
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  • cahas
    Subject: The Phone Call


    The phone call

    ((( ring )))


    ((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))


    ***pick up***


    "Hello?"


    "Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"


    "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"


    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
    honey!


    "Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"


    "Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
    upstairs and knock on the bedroom
    door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled
    up outside the house."


    "Okay, Daddy!"


    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
    did what you said, Daddy."


    "And what happened?" he asks.


    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
    ran around screaming, then she
    tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's
    all dead."


    "Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"


    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
    he jumped out the back window
    into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you
    took out all the water to clean it, so
    he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."


    ***long pause***


    ***more pause****


    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"


    "Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
    Benjamin Franklin, 1785
    123div.gif
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  • cahas
    The zip code in Washington, D. C., is being changed to 00000. Nothing there adds up, anyway.
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  • cahas
    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen
    crabs, and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for
    him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
    refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally
    responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty
    manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
    would happen if she let them thaw out

    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
    landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
    cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
    raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.
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  • cahas
    Guy goes into a ladies lingerie shop,tells the lady he wants a nursing bra.The lady says what bust,the guy says the condom.
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  • cahas
    A couple was
    invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife
    sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

    So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
    I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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  • cahas
    John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.



    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.



    John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.



    To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.



    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.



    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.





    Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
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  • cahas
    Priest was hanging a picture on the wall and hit his thumb with the hammer, "Damn it" he hollered, the Nun heard him and said Father, you know that if you talk like that God will strike you with lightning. The father swung the hammer again , again hitting his thumb, "Damn it" he hollered, all at once a bolt of lightning shot through the roof, and missing the Father, hit and destroyed the organ,, out of the sky came this voice "Damn it I missed again"

    yo-yo.gif
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  • cahas
    WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS

    I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

    "This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

    I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him.
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