Blonde Joke
Two factory workers, a man and a blonde, were talking.
"I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her. He climbed up to the rafters, and hung
upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the
ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
With a straight face the man answered, "I'm a light bulb."
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped
down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too and boss asked her where she
thought she was going.
"Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark."
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
"I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her. He climbed up to the rafters, and hung
upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the
ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing?
With a straight face the man answered, "I'm a light bulb."
"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped
down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too and boss asked her where she
thought she was going.
"Home," she said, "I can't work in the dark."
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the best gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net
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Blonde Wife walked in on her husband while engaged in an affair with his lover,, The blond wife was so angry she pulled out a pistol and pointed it at her own head. The husband said What are you doing? Dont do that., the Blonde wife said "Shut up you are next" 0 -
A True Blonde Story:
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there!
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"0 -
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup,she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.0 -
>A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
>
>
>and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
>
>
>The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through
>
>
>her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it
>
>
>look like?" she finally asked.
>
>
>
>The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
>
>
>
>The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it
>
>
>to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
>
>
>
>The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
>
>
>"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."0 -
Four blondes walk into a bar. They are all dressed real nice and one of them is clutching a large picture frame.
One of them goes up to the bartender and orders the most expensive wine they have. The ladies go into the back and sit down. They start drinking and celebrating while staring at this picture frame.
The bartender can't see the front of the picture, but he is curious so he walks around to look at the frame. It's a completed puzzle of Cookie Monster. He asks them all why they are so happy about the puzzle that they would celebrate and frame it.
The blondes are all smiling and one of them says, "You know everyone says we are so stupid. Well, we showed them. You see that puzzle, the box said 7+ years and we did it in three weeks!!"0 -
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and
repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll
have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde. [:o)][:o)]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.0 -
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final
plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the
$32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no
pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not
build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor;
the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was
doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend
Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have
to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave
her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is . . absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and
friends -- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am
now a millionaire.
"And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't
build nests. They live in clocks."
SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com the best gun auction site on the Net! Email gpd035@sbcglobal.net0 -
A blonde is walking down the sidewalk and sees a brunette jumping up and down in the middle of the road yelling, "twenty-five, twenty-five, twenty-five". The blonde asks the brunette why she is doing this. The brunette replies, "Because it's fun, you should try it." The blonde agrees that it looks like a good time and proceeds to jump up and down in the middle of the road yelling "twenty-five, twenty-five, twenty-five". Along comes a huge Mack truck, and it runs over the blonde, killing her instantly! The brunette gets back in the middle of the road, jumps up and down and yells, "twenty-six, twenty-six, twenty-six".
"What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure." Thomas Jefferson to William Stephens Smith,1787.
If God didn't want us to eat animals, then he wouldn't have made them out of meat.0 -
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she
is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune .
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say, "Hello."0 -
Dear Diary,
>>>
>>> Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
>>> expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a
call
>>> from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year
ago
>>> and I had yet to pay for them.
>>>
>>> Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a
blonde
>>> does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him
just
>>> what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely,
that in
>>> one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
>>>
>>> There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up.
>>> I have not heard anything back.
>>>
>>> Guess I won that stupid argument!
>>>
>>>
>>>
Larry0 -
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."0 -
A blonde gets off a plane in Des Moines, rents a car, and drives to her destination. Passing a newly sprouted corn field, she notices a blonde in a rowboat in the middle of the field rowing like there is no tomorrow. So she gets out of the car, yells at the blonde in the rowboat and says "You stupid Blonde! Because of blondes like you, it gives the rest of us blondes a bad name. If I could, I'd swim out there and kick your a$$." 0 -
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."0 -
A group of blondes in a class at Indiana State University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.
An engineering student comes along, sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn't that just like a dumb man engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"0 -
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"0 -
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"
"The son of a b**ch called back!" [:o)]
When Clinton lied, no one died.
"It is fortunate for governments that the people do not think. ADOLPH HITLER"0 -
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well
over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel,
"Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road
behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again......
"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....."0 -
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but . . " He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
_________________
If your beliefs aren't based in fact, TRUTH is the first casualty...0 -
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY FROM LOS ANGELES TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN COACH CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR COACH CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO HER ORIGINAL SEAT .
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO- PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT
BELONGS IN COACH AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR COACH SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND BLUSHING SLIGHTLY SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN COACH.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON".[^]
"Yeah but will it hold up in court?" TLR0 -
The Blonde woman went to outside to her mail box, looked in and it was empty, went back in the house, only to return to the mail box within 5 min, again empty, this went on all day, every five minutes she checked out the box, Her neighbor finally ask her if she was expecting a special letter or package,
"No" she replied, it just that my computer keeps telling me "You Have Mail"0 -
> A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while
> on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
> in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
> local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the
> attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well
> then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
> of shoes for free!"
>
> The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you
> go on and give it a try?"
>
> The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
> Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same
> young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
> As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming
> rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim,
> shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby
> were
> 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the
> bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and
> manages to flip the gator onto its back.
>
> Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS
> ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
>
>
>
>
>
>0 -
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light and the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this......Buy a ticket!"
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
Will Rogers
There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.
Will Rogers0 -
Dear Diary,
>>
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
contractor who installed them.
>>
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year
ago and I hadn't paid for them.
>>
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.
>>
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME
last year....namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows
would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him)
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hung up....He didn't call back.
>>
Guess I won that stupid argument.
Larry0 -
How do brain cells in a blonde die..?? .......... alone....!! 0 -
A blonde lady motorist was two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you
possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for
your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you
fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes I know, and I did take them to the zoo" said the blonde, but we had money left over---so we went to the movies!!! [:o)][:o)]
volenti non fit injuria0 -
. 0 -
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman
police officer who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look
like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.
PJ
If nobody seen you do it, how could you have done it. NRA PATRON-LIFE Member, AF&AM, Shriner Life Member, A.B.A.T.E. of Illinois "Chicago Chapter" Founding Member & Board Member0 -
The young couple , both blonds , was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby
came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a
wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college
so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired,
"What ever possessed you to both study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so,
when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."0 -
A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button."
"What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked.
The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE". [:o)]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Hypocrisy is the homage paid by vice to virtue.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.0 -
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly,' the blonde said, 'first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So?' asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
'So then?' asked the doctor.
"'Then I put the gun to my ear," and I thought, "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.[:D]0
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