Funny
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A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!0 -
Washington Times 5/6/04
Reaching people
Actress Drew Barrymore is filming a documentary aimed at persuading young people to vote. She recently happened upon members of the D.C. chapter of FreeRepublic.com, the conservative grass-roots network, as they conducted a Washington protest.
"Can I ask you guys a question?" Miss Barrymore said. "You come out and you protest. Do you feel that it makes a difference? Do you feel that you reach people?"
Group leader Kristinn Taylor answered: "We used to do this down at the White House every Saturday for a couple years when Bill Clinton was there. It goes like this" - and here Mr. Taylor turned to his fellow Freepers, to have them join in the chant. "You guys ready? One, two, three: 'Bill Clinton, we have you surrounded! Drop the cigar, step away from the intern, and come out with your pants up.' "
"Wow," said the actress.
"The first time we did that," Mr. Taylor said, "the Secret Service officer who was working the gate started laughing so hard he doubled over and walked behind the guard shack to compose himself."0 -
I know this is an old one, but it still makes me crack up every time I see it. It's worth running again...
A Marine's date...
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I
made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated
rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved
garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I
added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that
I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and
a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
(kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of
my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks
fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated
it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger
Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it
sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets
of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was
the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that
poop is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale
at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine
decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food,
and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess
she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh
oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of
dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time I could hear her say "What the hell is
WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet
paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her
chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed,
I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an
Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed
her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was
made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and
took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't poo for 5 days, and when
she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from
down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook
dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food
beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that
was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd
been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been
in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an jerk, but it was still a funny night.0 -
i thought a few of you older guys on here would enjoy this. my mom sent this to my pop!
http://www.toilette-humor.com/valentines/valentine_foogies.html0 -
Liberals are like slinkies. Not much good for anything, but it still makes you smile when you push one down the stairs. 0 -
Three women competed in the recent Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim.
The brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second.
Much later, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked,
"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
Larry
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From an auction:
Information added 11/11/2013 3:31:43 PM]
I now accept Pay Pal + 3.5 % for payment.
[Information added 6/14/2014 10:06:03 AM]
As of NOW, I no longer accept Pay Pal as they are SCUMBAGS.
I guess paypal schooled him.0 -
HAHA atleast hes telling the truth [:D]http://www.flurl.com/item/honesty_u_99671/ 0 -
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!0 -
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a preacher, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied:" You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The preacher said: "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went."
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN0 -
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The topic on the Feral Cat reminded me. I drove a different way around town yesterday.
Was looking for a place to eat, when what do I notice a Chinese place I had not seen before. With a dog grooming place right next door.
That's one place I would not take a dog to be groomed.0 -
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over a tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from another, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'
'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor....?'
Semper Fi!0 -
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right
after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?" [;)][;)]0 -
WHY
MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men
Are Just Happier People--
Your
last name stays put.
The
garage is all yours.
Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack.
You
can never be pregnant.
Car
mechanics tell you the truth.
The
world is your urinal.
You
never have to drive to another petrol station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt.
Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles
add character.
People
never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One
mood all the time.
Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You
know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation
requires only one suitcase.
You
can open all your own jars.
You
get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
Your
underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You never have strap
problems in public.
You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything
on your face stays its original colour.
The
same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You
only have to shave your face and neck if at all.
You
can play with toys all your life.
One
wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all
seasons.
You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You
can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. (personal favorite)
You
have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You
can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December
24 in 25 minutes.
No
wonder men are happier.
Send
this to the women who can handle it
and
to the men who will enjoy reading it0 -
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=201pgTaEseQ
If anyone on this forum wants to buy the product, publically stating they need it defeats the point.
Maybe some of you can get it for a "friend"0 -
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis
fighters".
The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun
battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".
Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and
instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis
fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to
the other side of the dune. Instantly Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and
cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander.
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap, there's two of them!"0 -
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A father was walking past his five yr old daughter who was home sick from school and thought it would be funny to play the old "daddy's gonna eat your fingers bit with her. He took her hand and inserted it into his mouth. His daughter giggled histerically and the father was elated to hear his child laugh so enthusiastically. As the father began to walk away the little girl asked,
"Daddy, wheres my booger"?
When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....0 -
i watched this 3 times and i still laughed
http://www.wimp.com./doorprank/0 -
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The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a beautiful
old bottle in the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a beautiful female
genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had! no health insurance.
God is good.
When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....0 -
check out number 24. [:D]
I just now got that i forgot the link. Wow. [V]
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/82906469/0
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