Funny
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I had dinner with my brother-in-law's dad the other night. He's a local judge up in n'western NJ.
That evening he'd been in court and a farmer was before him, brought up on a .08 DUI charge. .08 is the cut-off, and the farmer's contention was that he wasn't really impaired, wasn't drunk. The farmer was a massive fellow, just huge, and his point was that he was such a big guy he wasn't intoxicated by how little he'd had to drink.
"Well," the judge asked, "how much did you have to drink?"
"Two drinks," the farmer replied. (And my brother-in-law's dad told me that this is the 100% standard answer. EVERYBODY has only had two drinks. Somebody could be found passed out in the middle of the freeway, 30 beer cans scattered around him, and a blood test would show that he should probably be dead from alcohol poisoning, and in court he'll say, "Two drinks.")
"And how big were each of these drinks?" the judge asked.
The farmer holds up a hand as big as a peach basket and says, "Four fingers. Neat."
Six months without a license, $500 fine, and mandatory alcohol classes.0 -
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Have You seen this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jBqgjBVAhA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Lee0 -
A sweet old lady is asked to say Grace at a gathering of her seniors home and she brought down the houseconds into her prayer. Enjoy!
http://stg.do/9i0c0 -
Its business time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU&feature=related0 -
when all else fails........................0 -
this may be old but its still funny
(This is what is called tenacity.)
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and is so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her
for February and March for their annual service
charges on her credit card and added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late
fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds
division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
(I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling
you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."
(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery ,
Highway 129, Plot Number 69." ;
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?0 -
Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051, when you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise! Keep going and press 4. Listen to the options...then press 7. If it is busy it is worth it to redial a few times--enjoy 0 -
Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.0 -
Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank y...ou very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"0 -
I'll bet many of you have already seen this, but I think it's worth revisiting:
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/0 -
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My Black male Lab tried eating a toad tonight. He came to the back door acting like a wild horse. I let him into the house, but noticed the toad sitting on the patio.My Lab was foaming at the mouth like a dropped beer.[:D]I bet he remembers not to mess with toads. 0 -
[:D][:D][:D][:D]0 -
Passive aggresiveness! i just found this site, its all these passive aggressive notes people leave for each other. Some have bad language, so beware. http://passiveaggressivenotes.wordpress.com/page/11/ 0 -
Finally--a Rational Lawsuit!
Somewhere in the deep south, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigartte companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that's true" answered the lawyer.
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin'-maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with."
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN0 -
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From another freind on Facebook. 0 -
I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to ensure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein0 -
quote:I would challenge you to try to find a post where I blatantly call anyone a name. I know you are just using me as an example, but I don't think you could find one
that is funny0 -
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it hasa penis...AND a brain?"
when all else fails........................0 -
http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/~jon/humor/web_animations/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
[}:)] [:D] [:)] [:p] [^]
ATF0 -
The pharmacist found a customer leaning against a wall inside his shop. He asks his newly-hired clerk why the man is leaning against the wall. Clerk: He wanted some cough medicine but since I couldn't find any, I gave him laxatives instead. Pharmacist: Laxatives don't help against coughs! Sure it does see he wont dare to cough! [:0] 0 -
The Mole Family
-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....
Scroll down.......
Get ready.....
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...
MOLASSES[:D]
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN0 -
"My faith, my country and my family will guide me; nothing more, nothing less" -Gen. Tommy Franks0 -
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political rhapsody
http://madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=31690 -
watch it all the way it get very funny about halfway
sorry if this has been posted before
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WpD7i4RxnY&mode=related&search=0
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