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joke

Dakota308
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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Comments

199 comments

Date Votes
  • Dakota308
    guy calls 911. Sir What is your emergency? I think my wife is dead. Sir why do you think your wife is dead? Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.
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  • Dakota308
    Guy goes into a ladies lingerie shop,tells the lady he wants a nursing bra.The lady says what bust,the guy says the condom.
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  • Dakota308
    DAMN TRACTOR!

    A farmer has three sons.

    One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

    His father says, "Son, come with me."

    He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, but I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."

    The boy wasn't very happy with that answer but he did understand the situation and said, "Okay, Dad, I understand."

    A week later, his 10 year old son approached saying he was hoping he'd get a two-wheel bicycle for his upcoming birthday.

    Well, of course he got the same answer. "......as soon as that tractor is paid for........ "

    The following month his youngest son began bugging him for a tricycle.

    Again, he got the same lecture about the tractor being paid for first..

    While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little upset about the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly kicked the rooster clean off the hen's back, mumbling to himself as he did.

    His dad says, "Son, that is not an acceptable thing to do to any animal!

    You certainly know better than that! Why on earth would you do something like that when that rooster wasn't bothering you in the least?"

    The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Listen, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."
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  • Dakota308
    A couple was
    invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife
    sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

    So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
    I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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  • Dakota308
    Never fear, the annointed one is back home. [xx(][8]
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  • Dakota308
    WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS

    I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

    "This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

    I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him.
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  • Dakota308
    I had to clean it up a little.....

    Whores & Hockey Players.
    A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
    very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads
    of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
    he'll ask his manager about it.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
    "Some " A hole" wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
    behind him, So he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
    the other half."

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
    manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
    out of that situation earlier.
    We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

    'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
    "Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
    'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada '

    'No " Sttt?" replied the boy.
    'Who'd she play for?'

    [:D]
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  • Dakota308
    Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
    Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
    Customer says, "Female"
    Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
    Customer says, "White"
    Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
    Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
    Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
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  • Dakota308
    The first time I read this quote, I thought it was
    Dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would
    This apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how
    Absurd it is.

    * You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and
    Become district manager
    After 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't become chief of surgery
    After 143 days of experience of being a surgeon.

    * You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be
    The superintendent after 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't join the military and become a
    Colonel after a 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't get a job as a reporter and
    Become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience.

    BUT....
    * 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in
    As a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a
    Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the
    Senate.

    * That's how many days the Senate was
    Actually in session and working.

    * After 143 days of work experience, Obama
    Believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief,
    Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham
    Lincoln,FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?

    We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a
    Good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.

    AND, strangely, a large sector of the American
    Public seems to feel comfortable with this and
    Are campaigning for him.

    We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work,
    Yet some are OK with this
    For the President of the United States of America?
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  • Dakota308
    The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

    First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
    Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
    Third: What is God's first name?"

    Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

    Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

    How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

    Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . ."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

    St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."


    The gene pool needs chlorine.
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  • Dakota308
    A man is running down his hallway after he heard a bump in the night, all of a sudden out of no where a man appears. Not having time to raise his weapon the man if forced to surrender to the intruder.
    CLICK!, the man turns around and sees the indtruder racking the slide and ejecting a steel cased round, raises up and CLICK, by then the man had tooken the intuders weapon away and a round did go off(finnaly) striking the intruder in the head killing him. (though seemeing afuwl dirty)
    Years later when the man dies he is in heaven asking God some questions he has always wanted to know one of them being, "why when the intruder broke into my house, you kept the rounds from going off and WHY? were they so dirty."
    God simply replied," Oh no, it was not me... (look down)






























































    It was Wolf[:D][:D]
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  • Dakota308
    Airline securityFederal Aviation Agency800 Independence Avenue S.W.Washington D.C. 20591Dear Sirs:I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings,and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, everyone in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales.Now why didn't Congress think of this?Sincerely,Bill Clinton
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  • Dakota308
    I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his mom asked him

    "What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day"



    She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound...



    He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow,

    we have 2 more years of unemployment and stupidity."



    I almost snorted my iced tea.
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  • Dakota308
    Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.

    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

    A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on the Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

    He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.



    In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"



    "Well," Clotile said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.
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  • Dakota308
    Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the
    Classes.
    They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
    meanings.
    The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion
    of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an
    example of a "tragedy."
    One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a
    farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks
    him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson,"
    that would be an accident."
    A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
    over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
    "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we
    would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
    volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
    give me an example of a tragedy?"
    Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
    voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev.& Mrs. Jackson were struck by a
    missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!"
    exclaims Jackson, That's right. And can you tell me why that would be
    tragedy?"
    "Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it
    probably wouldn't be an accident either."



    Guncontrol-The ability to hit what your aiming at.
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  • Dakota308
    A pastor decides he'd like to have a bird for a pet so he goes to the pet store and sees a Parrot. The bird is very pretty and well colored so the pastor asks the proprietor about him. The more he hears about the bird the better he likes it, but he has one final question before he will buy it- the pastor tells the proprietor that he is a pastor and has visits at least once a day from parishoners, some of which are women that would be highly offended by off-color language, so how is the bird for language? the proprietor assures the pastor that the bird is very well mannered and doesn't even know andy swear words. So the pastor buys the bird and takes him home to the parsonage.

    Later in the day a group of women visit and they are enamoured with the bird. All evening each woman walks over to the bird. picks up a treat, holds it in front of the bird and says in a falsetto voice "Polly want a cracker?". the bird says to himsself- first of all, my name isn't Polly". By the end of the evening the bird is sick and tired of falsetto voiced women, crackers, and being called Polly; but finally all the parishoners leave and the pastor puts a cover on the birds home and the parrot goes to sleep, hoping that the next day will bring parishoners that are more civilized in their treatment of him.

    But to his surprise, as the pastor pulls the cover from the birdcage the first words out of his mouth are a squeakie "Polly want a cracker?" this is more than the bird can take and he loses his temper, calling out in a loud voice to the pastor "Oh just blow it out your ear!!"

    The pastor is stunned, but recovers quickly and grabs the parrot, marches over to the freezer, pitches the vird in and slams the door. After about ten minutes, he opens the freezer door and takes the shivering bird out. He holds the bird up and asks him if he learned his lesson regarding language like that. The bird responds that he did.

    The pastor then asks the parrot if he has any questions. The parrot says he has just one:"WHAT DID THE TURKEY SAY?"
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  • Dakota308
    A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After
    about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went
    screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked
    her what the problem was and she explained.

    The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's
    the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has
    four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told
    her she was pregnant?"

    The new doctor simply smiled and said,
    "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
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  • Dakota308
    quote:

    Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
    South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.

    Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every
    few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

    Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
    hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

    Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the
    quiet and said: "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"
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  • Dakota308
    ...probably a repost.

    A guy walks into a bar in D.C., sits down, and orders a drink. He looks down at the end of the bar, and sees George Bush, and Donald Rumsfeld having a drink. He asks the bartender if that's who he thinks it is, and the bartender says, "Yes, they come in here all the time." So, he walks over to them, introduces himself, and says "Wow. I'm really impressed with the job that you've been doing. But, I have to ask: What do you guys talk about when you're at the bar having drinks?" Rumsfeld responds, "Well buddy, we're talking about World War III. It starts tomorrow." The guy, obviously shocked asks, "What?...How?...What's going to happen?" Bush responds that "Tomorrow we are going to kill 50 million muslims, and one beautiful big-boobed blond." The guy, even more shocked asks, "Well what are you going to kill the blond for?" Bush looked at Rumsfeld and said, "See!!! I told you nobody gives a crap about 50 million muslims."

    Ben
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  • Dakota308
    RECTUM DEODORANT, POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER!

    A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
    they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

    "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
    pharmacist.

    "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

    Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
    the container.........

    "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
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  • Dakota308
    The office manager was putting up Christmas decorations and as she finished she walked back to her office. Two of the guys were looking at her snickering. When she said, What?" One told her she had glitter on her face and boobs.
    She said what does it mean to have glitter on her.
    One of the guys said glitter on the boobs means she went to a tittie bar.
    She then asked what about the glitter on her face?
    The other guy laughed and made the motor boat sound, then both guys almost fell out of their chairs with laughter.
    We will miss them.
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  • Dakota308
    Guy comes home from fishing Sunday morning and plops down in the easy chair to watch the football game. He yells to his wife: "Honey, how about fixin' me a couple of sandwiches, it's about to start." She fixes his sandwiches and brings them to him. "Could you turn the t.v. on, it's about to start." She lets out a big sigh and turns on the t.v. and storms back into the kitchen. "Could you bring me a beer" he shouts "it's about to start". She opens the fridge, grabs a beer, slams the door and drops it into his lap.
    "All you do is fish, drink, and watch football. I swear I gettin' dang tired of it! You never take me anywhere. You never help me around the house..."
    He mumbles under his breath:


    "It's started"
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  • Dakota308
    Three Southern boys and three Northerners were traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southern boys buy just one ticket.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Northerners. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train and the three Northerners take their respective seats but all three Southern boys cram into a toilet together and close the door. Soon after, the train departs and the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a bit and a single arm emerges with the one ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Northerners see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southern boys don't buy any ticket at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Northerner. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South. When they board the train, the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southern boys cram into another just down the aisle. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southern boys leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Northerners are hiding. The Southern boy knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please".
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  • Dakota308
    A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
    He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
    dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.
    He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
    she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he
    asks
    again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs

    again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite
    your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"
    She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "OK,
    just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
    So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal
    the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps
    on
    them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his
    face
    in them,....but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and
    asks: "Are you gonna bite
    them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

    Larry
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  • Dakota308
    One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

    The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

    With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
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  • Dakota308
    A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his
    wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip
    short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by
    the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

    "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

    "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..

    "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

    "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
    Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."

    "This I gotta see," replied the agent.
    With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
    "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
    Chicago ."

    "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"

    The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
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  • Dakota308
    This guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and took him into a great, beautiful, magnificent building. The guy notices clocks everywhere. He asks St. Peter what the clocks are for.

    St. Peter says that each person on earth has a clock. Not for their death but for how many times they lied in their lives.

    The guy goes to one clock and it read zero on the clock. He asked whose clock this one was.

    St. Peter said it was Sister Teresas clock. She told no lies.

    The guy then asked about a clock that said two lies.

    St. Peter said that the clock was Abe Lincolns clock. For he only told two lies.

    The guy then thought a few seconds. He said I would like to see John Kerry's clock.

    St. Peter said, We don't keep that one in here, we keep it in the entrance way, we needed a fan in that room.
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  • Dakota308
    THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

    The Parking Ticket
    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
    Well, for example,
    the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
    We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
    When we came out, there was a cop writing out
    a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
    a senior citizen a break?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
    writing another ticket for having worn tires.
    So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
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  • Dakota308
    This may belong in the political section but wanted everyone to see it. read it with a sense of humor.





    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
    She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
    The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'
    She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
    'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'
    'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
    The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
    'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
    'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
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  • Dakota308
    Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

    The old German man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben drin gesheissen.'

    Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.'

    The man shouts back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'


    The old German man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.
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