joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
quote:
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
* D on't be arrogant.
* D on't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with us old farts;
we didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?!0 -
Three men were playing a round of golf one day when the topic of their sons came up. One of the men said, "My son lives in South Florida and is in real estate. He is doing great. In fact, he is doing so well that he recently bought a house for one of his friends. I couldn't be more proud of him." The second man said, "My son is also living in South Florida and doing well. He is an investment banker and recently bought a friend of his a BMW. He is all I ever wanted him to turn out to be."
The third man didn't say anything. The first man asked about his son. He replied, "Well, I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but my son is gay. But I guess he is happy. He has met some great friends at some clubs. In fact, one of his friends has recently given him a home to live in and another friend has purchased him a BMW."0 -
*Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person
in the world.'*
**
*So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. 'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially
the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
said: 'Who is Rosie O'Donnell ?'*0 -
A terrorist group announces over the radio during a traffic jam thay have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton. They say if they dont get 50 million buck theyre going to set them on fire. So hearing this a man gets out of his car and starts asking for donations. He goes car to car and he finally gets to me. I say what are you doing? He says im collecting donations to help this terrorist thing get over with. I said, well how much is everyone giving on average? He says, About a gallon! -dave- 0 -
sorry about the > i did not have time to takem out [V]
The Rev. Al Sharpton
Rev. Al Sharpton got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
>
>
>
> The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Rev. Al, and told him to drink it all.
>
>
>
> Rev. Al drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like oatmeal!'
>
>
>
> The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'0 -
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."0 -
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida everglades while
on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in
the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you
go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined
to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving
>> home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky
water, shotgun in hand. As he grinds his car to a stop, he sees a huge
9-foot gator swim ming r apidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the
blond takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery
bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The
shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde
struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling
her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration: ' WELL CRAP ! THIS
ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'0 -
This may get poofed:
Far into the future for human development humans acquire the need to feed on human parts. At the local meat market there was a special on human brains for the week. A patron comes in wanting some human brains and the butcher said we have a sale on them this week. American brains are 35 bucks a pound. English brains are 57.50 bucks a pound and Polish brains are 325.00 bucks a pound.. The patron said "What"? Polish brains 325.00 bucks a pound thats outragous, the Butcher amswered " Not in the least outragous when you realize how many polocks it takes to get a pound of brains???0 -
Panda walks into a bar-The Bartender cant believe it!Damn,i cant believe what im seeing!What,ll it be Panda? Lettuce and a Bud Lite,responds Panda.Sure,commin up!Panda munches on lettuce while casually sipping his beer.Everyone enjoys seeing the Panda and wants to buy his next beer.Finally the Panda gets up,pulls an Uzi out of his fur and starts shooting up the Bar.Glasses and liquor bottles exploding,pure pandemonium! Then the Panda calmly walks toward the door.Bartender peeks over Bar-Panda,why did you shoot up my Bar? Im a Panda,look it up.Bartender grabs a dictionary and looks it up.PANDA-Black and white Mammal indigenous to Western China,eats chutes and leaves. 0 -
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.0 -
A city fellow went to a dude ranch out west. He was asking one of the resident cowboys about his attire. "Why do you guys wear those big hats?" "Well" replied the cowboy, "the big hat is to keep the sun off our face and neck during a long day in the saddle."
"Why does your shirt have snaps instead of buttons?" The cowboy replied "If we get up in the brush, and the limbs catch our clothes, the snaps will come unsnapped, whereas if we had buttons, the brush would tear the buttons off."
"I undertand, but why are all you guys wearing tennis shoes instead of cowboy boots?" asked the dude. "Oh," replied the cowboy, "that's so no one will mistake us for a truck driver."0 -
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale t his week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."0 -
Yummy Fingers!
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger[:0][:0]0 -
>
Green Bay Packers
After the Packers/Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.
During the Packers/Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback Kevin Kolb.
Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.
During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and another backup was needed.
After the Packers/Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.
After the Packers/Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.
Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary was fired and replaced.
During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.
Is it just me.... or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?0 -
This place is, I will be back when I need something, because there are some smart folks here. The upkeep sux though [:D] 0 -
quote:
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog at her house while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however and believed that she could keep them apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next. Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said.. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me" he replied .0 -
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"
The little guy thinks "GHEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. All the while thinking, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?"
About and hour later he returns to the bar and walks up behind the big dude and --"WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fellow off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!"0 -
Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well go look in the garage..."0 -
time to pull the plug ??
While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wai[:D]t. the ER doctor appeared ,wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly he said, "I"m afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"0 -
Q: What happens when you sing country and western music
backwards?
A: You get your wife, job and dog back. [;)][:o)]
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.0 -
Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious.
So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Hollywood, communists, vodka, and kwanzaa.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
Well, not everyone can be from Chicago, an ACORN member, and happy with OBama!0 -
Lets start Sat with a joke.
What is a yankee!
Te same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive!
Because its worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex!
Because its no big deal unless you re not getting any,
Those who live by the sword will be killed by those who dont. Glyn0 -
What do John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh have in common??????????
Their middle names man!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA0 -
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, "PIG!"
Man yells out window, "onager!"
Man rounds next curve...
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
If only men would listen.
rcdis0 -
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."0 -
This is for the GD forum
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.
7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship.
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05 P.M . Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.
8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.
9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French
President Jacques Chirac.
9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo
Bay with Sean Penn.
9:40 P.M. Why I hate the military, a short talk by William Jefferson
Clinton.
9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented
by Michael Moore.
9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World
Trade Center Towers -- Howard Dean.
10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.
11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.
11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry.
11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.
12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home!
???? Oh also why was this post deleted?0 -
Subject: 2012
>>
>> Johnny was in the egg business.. He had several hundred young layers
>> (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize them. He kept
>> records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was
>> replaced.
>>
>> This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
>> to
>> his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a
>> distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch
>> and
>> fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
>>
>> John's favorite rooster, Obama, was a very fine specimen, but this
>> morning
>> he noticed Obama's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate,
>> he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but
>> the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
>>
>> To John's amazement, Obama had thought of a way to do it without work, he
>> had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet,
>> do his job and walk on to the next one.
>>
>> John was so proud of Obama, he entered him in the Chicago County Fair and
>> he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
>>
>> The result was the judges not only awarded Obama the No Bell Piece Prize
>> but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
>>
>> Clearly Obama was a politician. Who else but a politician could figure
>> out
>> how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being
>> the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
>> weren't paying attention.
>>
>> Vote carefully next fall, the bells are not always audible0 -
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND!
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M
THIRTY- FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER
GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM
ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW0 -
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said,
>"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A short time
>later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his
son.
>"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son
>answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was
>quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
the
>skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath
when
>the
>wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
or
>scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two
chipmunks
>crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take
them
>with
>us? Well, I guess I just panicked!"0 -
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
the balcony with Bubba"?0
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