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Joke

kimi
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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Comments

205 comments

Date Votes
  • kimi
    A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of
    whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player
    Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

    "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver and
    a Lieutenant Commander in Naval Air, but when they retired the
    Phantom, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashiered me as well. I
    learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

    The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it
    had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business
    was falling off. So, why not give him a try?

    The seedy LtCdr staggered his way over to the piano while
    several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of
    music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of
    soaring music, unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished
    there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

    The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the
    name of the song he had just played.

    It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall
    For You!" said the Commander. After a long pull from the beer, leaving
    it empty, "I wrote it myself."

    The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano
    player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
    that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter
    pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and
    told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

    He then excused himself and lurched to the john.

    When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Look fly boy,
    the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is
    hanging out?"

    "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".
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  • kimi
    Rumor has it that Congressman Anthony Weiner is not really in re-hab, and he is going to announce he is running for president.


    He has chosen Attorney General Eric Holder as his running mate.
    Get your Weiner-Holder bumper stickers early, before they are all gone.
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  • kimi
    A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization. After
    about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went
    screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked
    her what the problem was and she explained.

    The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's
    the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has
    four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told
    her she was pregnant?"

    The new doctor simply smiled and said,
    "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
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  • kimi
    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
    mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
    advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
    sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
    "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,

    Will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
    peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
    computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to
    a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get
    an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
    satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
    and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
    .

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
    the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an
    MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
    hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and
    says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
    says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
    on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
    car.

    Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
    exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

    "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
    that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up
    here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer

    I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of
    dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me
    you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a
    living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ..

    Now give me back my dog.
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  • kimi
    There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

    The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"

    The little guy thinks "GHEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

    So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. All the while thinking, " Why shouldn't I be at the bar if I want to?"

    About and hour later he returns to the bar and walks up behind the big dude and --"WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big fellow off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears!"
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  • kimi
    A man approaches a young lady at a bar and says:

    'Gee, you remind me of my little toe.'

    She giggles, and asks:

    'Is that because I'm so small and cute.'

    'No', he replies.

    'It's because I think I'm gonna get drunk tonight and bang you on the coffee-table.'
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  • kimi
    time to pull the plug ??

    While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wai[:D]t. the ER doctor appeared ,wearing his scrubs and a long face.
    Sadly he said, "I"m afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

    "Oh dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
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  • kimi
    xDOxAjM.jpg
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  • kimi
    The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
    Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
    "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
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  • kimi
    Salaam alaikum,

    Here's a good one. No offence to anyone, ok?

    A man dashes into the Pope's office, panting, gasping, and trying to speak all at once.

    "What's the matter?" the Pope asks, offering the man a seat.

    "Oh your Grace!" the man exclaims, flopping on the chair. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

    "Give me the good news," the Pope says.

    "Oh your Grace! JESUS is on the phone and he wants to speak to you!" the panting man exclaims.

    "Praise the Lord!" the jubilant Pope replies, "What could the bad news possibly be?"

    "Your Grace, he's calling from Mecca!" [:D][}:)]
    [:D]
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  • kimi
    Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago Park when a crazed Rottweiler suddenly attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.

    A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

    "Young Cub Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Cubs fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.

    "Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago and you aren't a Cubs fan, I just assumed you had to be a Sox," says the reporter and starts writing again.

    "Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

    "I'm a Colts fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

    "Little punk From Indiana Kills Beloved Family Pet!"
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  • kimi
    What do John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh have in common??????????
































    Their middle names man!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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  • kimi
    A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
    ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
    idea'r what it is."

    While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old
    lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

    The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
    his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "






    DarkStar11Walk In Peace...But Carry A Big Stick

    Edited by - DarkStar11 on 05/07/2002 15:52:01
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  • kimi
    my 9 YO told me this last night:

    a black kid and his sister dressed as George and Martha Washington for Halloween. Went to the old lady's house and said "trick or treat". Old lady tells them they can't be George and Martha 'cause they are black.

    the go home and change to go as Abe and his wife. Old lady tells them the lincolns weren't black.

    the black kids go home, strip nekkid, and go to the old lady's house. When she recovers from the shock she asks who they are.

    The black boy says "we are Hershy bars, one with nuts, one without".
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  • kimi
    Subject: The Phone Call


    The phone call

    ((( ring )))


    ((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))


    ***pick up***


    "Hello?"


    "Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"


    "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"


    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
    honey!


    "Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"


    "Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
    upstairs and knock on the bedroom
    door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled
    up outside the house."


    "Okay, Daddy!"


    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
    did what you said, Daddy."


    "And what happened?" he asks.


    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
    ran around screaming, then she
    tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's
    all dead."


    "Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"


    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
    he jumped out the back window
    into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you
    took out all the water to clean it, so
    he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."


    ***long pause***


    ***more pause****


    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"


    "Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
    Benjamin Franklin, 1785
    123div.gif
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  • kimi
    A grandfather was eating breakfast with his 10 year old granddaughter when he asked if she knew what tomorrow was. Without skipping a beat, she replied "Yes, it's Presidents Day". She is smart, so he asked, "And do you know what that means?" She answered, "Yep, sure do.".

    Waiting, he expected something thoughtful about Reagan, Clinton, Bush or Obama. Instead she continued, "Well, it is when President Obama sticks his head out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of cow cookies!".
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  • kimi
    An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

    While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
    smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette
    sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
    remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

    Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
    the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
    railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With
    labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
    into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he
    would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
    spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
    literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle
    cookies.


    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
    from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to
    it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
    towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled
    posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
    the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
    him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
    its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it
    was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

    "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."


    NRA MEMBER
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  • kimi
    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur????
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  • kimi
    A man stumbles up to the other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "you don't say, I'm from Ireland too! let's have another round for Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "what school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says, "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65." About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "the O"Malley twins are drunk again"
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  • kimi
    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen
    crabs, and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for
    him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
    refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally
    responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty
    manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
    would happen if she let them thaw out

    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
    landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
    cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
    raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.
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  • kimi
    After an evening having sex with a new lover a man looks on her nightstand and notices a picture of a man, worried he asks her:

    "Is that your husband?"

    "No" she answers "I'm not married"

    "Is that your boyfriend?"

    "No, till tonight I haven't been seeing any one"

    "Is that your brother?"

    "No, I'm an only child"

    Then finally he ask "May I ask who that is?"

    She answers.....










    Wait for it.......











    "That's me before the surgery"
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  • kimi
    A BUM, WHO OBVIOUSLY HAS SEEN MORE THAN HIS SHARE OF HARD TIMES, APPROACHES A WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN ON THE STREET.
    "HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE TWO BUCKS?"
    THE WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN RESPONDS, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPEND IT ON LIQUOR, ARE YOU?"
    "NO SIR, I DON'T DRINK", RETORTS THE BUM.
    "YOU AREN'T GOING TO THROW IT AWAY ON SOME FISHING GEAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE GENTLEMAN.
    "NO WAY, I DON'T FISH", ANSWERS THE BUM.
    "YOU WOULDN'T WASTE THE MONEY ON A HUNTING LICENSE,
    WOULD YOU?" ASKS THE MAN.
    "NEVER", SAYS THE BUM, "I DON'T HUNT".
    "YOU WOULDN'T SPEND IT ON A TWO-BIT WHORE, WOULD YOU?"
    "OH NO", SAYS THE BUM, "I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN YEARS."

    THE MAN ASKS THE BUM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO COME HOME
    WITH HIM FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL. THE BUM ACCEPTS EAGERLY. WHILE THEY ARE HEADING FOR THE MANS HOUSE, THE BUM'S CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF HIM.


    "ISN'T YOUR WIFE GOING TO BE ANGRY WHEN SHE SEE A GUY LIKE ME AT YOUR TABLE?"


    "PROBABLY", SAYS THE MAN, "BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I WANT
    HER TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK, FISH, HUNT, OR HAVE SEX".
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  • kimi
    A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

    The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

    "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
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  • kimi


    Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
    White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

    They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
    'I will give each ofyou one wish, which is three wishes in total',
    says the Genie.

    The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

    POOF! With=2 0the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

    Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
    can come into our precious land.'

    POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

    The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
    Please tell me more about this wall.'

    The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
    it's virtually impenetrable.'

    The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
    smiles and says,

    'Fill it with water.'
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  • kimi
    The first time I read this quote, I thought it was
    Dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would
    This apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how
    Absurd it is.

    * You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and
    Become district manager
    After 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't become chief of surgery
    After 143 days of experience of being a surgeon.

    * You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be
    The superintendent after 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't join the military and become a
    Colonel after a 143 days of experience.

    * You couldn't get a job as a reporter and
    Become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience.

    BUT....
    * 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in
    As a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a
    Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the
    Senate.

    * That's how many days the Senate was
    Actually in session and working.

    * After 143 days of work experience, Obama
    Believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief,
    Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham
    Lincoln,FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?

    We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a
    Good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.

    AND, strangely, a large sector of the American
    Public seems to feel comfortable with this and
    Are campaigning for him.

    We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work,
    Yet some are OK with this
    For the President of the United States of America?
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  • kimi
    A terrorist group announces over the radio during a traffic jam thay have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton. They say if they dont get 50 million buck theyre going to set them on fire. So hearing this a man gets out of his car and starts asking for donations. He goes car to car and he finally gets to me. I say what are you doing? He says im collecting donations to help this terrorist thing get over with. I said, well how much is everyone giving on average? He says, About a gallon! -dave-
    0
  • kimi
    THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

    The Parking Ticket
    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
    Well, for example,
    the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
    We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
    When we came out, there was a cop writing out
    a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
    a senior citizen a break?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
    writing another ticket for having worn tires.
    So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
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  • kimi
    Three brothers were laid off at the sawmill. They loaded up in the truck and went looking for another job. They tried every place in town but no one was hiring. As a last resort, one suggested they try the airport. The first brother went in the managers office and asked for a job. "What skills do you have?" the manager asked. "Well, I worked at the sawmill for 20 years" said the brother. "I'm sorry, we don't have anything for you" said the manager. The second brother went in and heard the same response. The third brother said "I might as well go ask, too." A while later he came out and said "I got a job!". The first brother said "Why in the world would he hire you and not us?" The third brother said "Well, I told him I was a pilot."
    The second brother said "Yea, but you can't pile it 'til we saw it!"
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  • kimi
    Two little potatoes are standing
    on the street corner. One is a
    prostitute.

    How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

    You're gonna love it...








    It's the one with the little sticker that says...

    I - DA - HO
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  • kimi
    What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

    About 15 years and 50 lbs.
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