Joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
This guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and took him into a great, beautiful, magnificent building. The guy notices clocks everywhere. He asks St. Peter what the clocks are for.
St. Peter says that each person on earth has a clock. Not for their death but for how many times they lied in their lives.
The guy goes to one clock and it read zero on the clock. He asked whose clock this one was.
St. Peter said it was Sister Teresas clock. She told no lies.
The guy then asked about a clock that said two lies.
St. Peter said that the clock was Abe Lincolns clock. For he only told two lies.
The guy then thought a few seconds. He said I would like to see John Kerry's clock.
St. Peter said, We don't keep that one in here, we keep it in the entrance way, we needed a fan in that room.0 -
About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER."
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."0 -
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
said,
>"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A short time
>later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his
son.
>"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son
>answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was
>quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
the
>skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath
when
>the
>wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
or
>scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two
chipmunks
>crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take
them
>with
>us? Well, I guess I just panicked!"0 -
A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued...Again,"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus!! 0 -
My neighbors the lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex it was very nice of them,but I think they miss understood me when I said
" I wanna watch "0 -
First Irish Farmer:"my cow fell down a hole and i had to shoot it." Second Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?" First Irish Farmer: "Nope.....in the head" 0 -
I got this in my email today. If its been posted already, please ignore.
>> >A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were
>> > sitting in their pews and talking.
>> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>> > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
>> > trampling
>> > each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
>> > Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly
> sitting
>> > in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
>> > ultimate enemy was in his presence.
>> > So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
>> > "Yep, sure do."
>> > "Aren't you afraid of me?"
>> > "Nope, sure ain't."
>> > "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
>> > "Don't doubt it for a minute."
>> > "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
> agony
>> > for all eternity??"
>> > "Yep", was the calm reply.
>> > "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
>> > "Nope."
>> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
>> > afraid
>> > of
>> > me?"
>> > The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68
>> > years."
[:)][:)]0 -
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a
turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
to deflect it.
Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
you stupid Catholic b---h."
She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,
you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-humper."0 -
You knew it would happen.
nunn
Edit: Yeah, I figured as much.0 -
TRAFFIC CONTROL
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but alas, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was SO heavy and
SO fast that his chickens were being run over at the rate of three to six a day.
So one day, Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got
to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all
of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," answered Farmer John, " just do something about those crazy
drivers!"
So the next day, the sheriff had the county workers erect a sign that
said.... SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later, Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The "School Crossing" sign seems to make
them go even faster."
So again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign... SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called
every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just
about ANYTHING to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided
to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you
put up your own sign?"
"Oh, sure I did, and not one chicken has been killed since, but I'm very
busy and I've got to go," Farmer John replied and hung up.
The sheriff was really curious now and he though to himself, "I'd better
go out there and take a look at that sign...it might be something WE could
use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the
moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood...
NUDIST COLONY ....
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
.
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 17850 -
*Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person
in the world.'*
**
*So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. 'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially
the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
said: 'Who is Rosie O'Donnell ?'*0 -
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.
The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please do you have water?". The Jew replied "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes". The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"
"OK" said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about 4 miles you will find a very nice restaurant. Go! Walf that way. THe restaurant has all the water you can drink."
The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish mans table. The Jew said "I told you the restaurant with the water is over the hill. Could you not find it?"
"I found it" the Aarab rasped "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!" Gunn Landry
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference...The Marines don't have that problem" Ronald Reagan0 -
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady waddled into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous and stacked 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'0 -
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Better to have and not need, than need and not have.0 -
A huge billboard sign states -
"Need Help, Call Jesus at 1-800-123-4567"
Wondering who would answer, called 1-800-123-4567 and got an answering machine requesting address of where help was needed. The address was left on the answering machine.
Then next day at 7AM, a mexican kid shows up with a lawnmower.
[:D]0 -
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, "PIG!"
Man yells out window, "onager!"
Man rounds next curve...
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
If only men would listen.
rcdis0 -
THE OBAMA NATION PRIMER
The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck...
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
(Bread became scarce and the price tripled)
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT ?0 -
A Country boy from Kentucky walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The
loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Countryboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Kentucky Countryboy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"0 -
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you f or the wonderful America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'0 -
Three men were playing a round of golf one day when the topic of their sons came up. One of the men said, "My son lives in South Florida and is in real estate. He is doing great. In fact, he is doing so well that he recently bought a house for one of his friends. I couldn't be more proud of him." The second man said, "My son is also living in South Florida and doing well. He is an investment banker and recently bought a friend of his a BMW. He is all I ever wanted him to turn out to be."
The third man didn't say anything. The first man asked about his son. He replied, "Well, I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but my son is gay. But I guess he is happy. He has met some great friends at some clubs. In fact, one of his friends has recently given him a home to live in and another friend has purchased him a BMW."0 -
One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and
dies.
He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for
him.
"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."
The devil led him to the door of
the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
Obama looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."0 -
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in
Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a
bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own
bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the
obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God, girl!!! You get those clothes back on at
once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and
said, "Superstitious, huh?"
[:D][:)][:p][8D][;)][:D]
ATF0 -
WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him.0 -
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."0 -
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Gassman,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Gassman, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where t he antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.0 -
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."0 -
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The old German man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben drin gesheissen.'
Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.'
The man shouts back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'
The old German man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.0 -
Subject: the rabbit
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit
jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again
and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Larry0 -
Just a trying to cool the room off a bit! [:)]
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade
>his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only
>son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison.
>The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
>his predicament.
>________________________________________________
>Dear Bubba,
>I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
>be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just
>getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you
>were here, all my troubles would be over. I know
>you would dig the plot for me.
>Love, Dad
>________________________________________________
>A few days later he received a letter from his son.
>Dear Dad,
>For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden,
>that's where I buried the BODIES.
>Love, Bubba
>________________________________________________
>At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local
>police showed up and dug up the entire area without
>finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
>and left. That same day the old man received another
>letter from his son.
>_______________________________________________
>Dear Dad,
>Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. This was the
>best I could do under the circumstances.
>Love, Bubba
[:D]0 -
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
[xx(]0
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