How much freedom do you give a 15 yr old???
This is one I'm shure will get some people fussing. My oldest is a constant worry. Not because she is bad....but just not always thinking for herself or planning things out.
She is at the age where she wants to go do things....and be out with people her own age. There are some "younger" church groups that get together on tuesday nights. She has asked if a boy can come take her to these things. I have told her only in groups...and that if her grades weren't improving from what we saw on the last report card....she wouldn't be able to go for long.
My thing is this boy is a bit older and drives...even in a "group" outting there will be times that they will be alone. I know its coming...but how on earth do you let them do anything. I can't figure out what the answer is. I want to let her go. I just try to be as SCARY as possible so they will behave while out on their own.
She is at the age where she wants to go do things....and be out with people her own age. There are some "younger" church groups that get together on tuesday nights. She has asked if a boy can come take her to these things. I have told her only in groups...and that if her grades weren't improving from what we saw on the last report card....she wouldn't be able to go for long.
My thing is this boy is a bit older and drives...even in a "group" outting there will be times that they will be alone. I know its coming...but how on earth do you let them do anything. I can't figure out what the answer is. I want to let her go. I just try to be as SCARY as possible so they will behave while out on their own.
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LF,
When my daughters boyfriend met me for the first time, I gave him a firm handshake, pulled him close, and wispered in his ear "if you make my girl cry, I will make your mother cry"
His eyes got big, and he said I won't.
That was about 2 years ago, they are still together, He seems to be a good guy[}:)][:D]
Don0 -
I'm not a parent but I'll throw in my 2 cents, if you don't mind...
You cannot physically stop her from having sex with boys. If she wants it to happen, it will......fearing you will not stop her.
The best bet is to make her unwilling on her own. Pregnancy scare tactics don't work, most kids think that condoms are 100% full-proof.
I know several girls who told me that they wished they had waited. Lots of stories of pain, bleeding, and crying over an immature boy who didn't give a damn about them in the first place.
I might be crossing a line, but I'd also suggest putting her on the pill, if she isn't already. If she wants to do it, she will regardless, why compound the problem?0 -
Give her total freedom. If you don't she'll take it anyway and lie to you.
My 17 year old Daughter has very high aspirations, and sets her own limits much tighter than I would.
She is the last of my 6 Kids.
D.0 -
You've always struck me as a pretty straight-forward and honest person (based the limited exposure here at GunBroker and an email or two). If you are honest with your children they will usually be honest with you.
You can't stop your children from making bad choices, you can only encourage them to make good ones. SCARY is seldom an effective plan.
Be firm, fair, and consistent with your dating rules and pray for the best.0 -
Don't worry about your daughter, worry about the boy. Take him alone into your bedroom when he comes over to see your daughter and show him a few sharp Bowie knives and your sniper rifle. then whisper in his ear *Don't ever touch my daughter* with a crazy look in your eye. 0 -
I completely agree with Doug.
I had, and still have, a great relationship with my parents, as does my brother. My parents were trustworthy enough of me to allow me to go and do pretty much anything. I never got in any trouble with the police, no drugs, I did some drinking when I was 17-18. Never drove when I did, I always stayed the night. They always told me to call them if I need a ride, no questions asked. I never vandalized. They trusted me enough to allow me to make my own decisions. If I made a bad one(RARELY) and there was a concequence from that(RARELY) my parents sat down with me and we talked about it openly. If you allow them to make their own rational decisions, they will respect you and you will have a fantastically open relationship with them. If they continue making bad decisions, then lay down the law. My wifes parents pretty much ruled her life, she then rebelled and got in some pretty dumb stuff, bad crowds, bad choices, bad results.
I did the youth group thing for a while. It's a really good time, our Physics teacher, the coolest teacher in school, was the leader. We played games, sang music(good stuff), acted out skits(they were hilarious), then went to McDonalds afterwards for icecream and some socializing. It was a lot of fun. I was a senior, driving at the time, and we picked up people to come along. So I'm was in the same situation as the boy in your story. Give her the opportunity to make her own decisions, she's getting to be that age where she will want to run her life. Tell her that you're going to trust her enough to allow her to go, then tell her that if she decides to use this opportunity to ruin the trust you have in her that she may not be allowed to make her own decisions anymore. If she behaves, comes home by curfew(I was given no curfew, but was always home at a decent time), etc., then you will become more relaxed with her doing her own thing. Make sure to stress that SCHOOL COMES FIRST, and that this is a test(for both of you) to see how she can handle it. Group functions to start, then move on to double "Dating" then she can run solo. The thinking for herself and planning things out will come with time. Tell her to choose her friends wisely.
Trust me, you won't believe the relationship I have with my parents to this day. I really think this is the reason why. I never rebelled, mom was worried about me for a while and it broke my heart to see her cry, which rarely happened.
The infatuation that girls have with older boys is because they mature faster than the boys of her age.
Let her fly, she'll thank you and respect you more than ever for it.
You can always show the boys your gun shop.[;)]0 -
quote:Originally posted by MVP
Don't worry about your daughter, worry about the boy. Take him alone into your bedroom when he comes over to see your daughter and show him a few sharp Bowie knives and your sniper rifle. then whisper in his ear *Don't ever touch my daughter* with a crazy look in your eye.
That should take his mind off your daughter![:D]0 -
My 15 yo son is working on being grounded for life.
DSM0 -
dongizmo said
"if you make my girl cry, I will make your mother cry"
I like that one.
Makes it real easy to understand.0 -
Dongizmo, wish I;d known that one when my girls were young. My older girl was never a problem, took my younger one awhile to figure things outOne thing that helped with the older girl was that all her friends parents were friends of mine 0 -
"I didn't mind prison all that much"
Is my usual response.
I think cubs has some good advice
...Father of a 14 year old girl0 -
Excellent advice from Cubs. I will not offer any. Youngest daughter will be 32 in May- and gets off being grounded when she was 16![:p] 0 -
My approach with my daughter was this. I gave her some brand new condoms and while she was standing there with her mouth open I said:
"I hope you will do the right thing and refrain from having sex until you're old enough - BUT - if you are going to do it anyway, you now have no excuse whatsoever to not use proper protection. I'm too young to be a grandfather and sexually-transmitted diseases may kill you."
And then, after her mouth closed, I finished with:
"Remember that ALL men - and I mean ALL men - are lying, thieving, dirtbags out for only one thing from you. They won't remember your name in the morning, let alone "love you".
She laughed and said, "Okay dad." Bottom line is, she did the right thing for herself.
It all comes down to trust. But, IMO, it's better to be prepared just in case.[;)]0 -
LF- YOU OWN A GUNSHOP!
This alone should demand a good amount of respect from said boy.0 -
im a parent and im going to have to agree with ALOT that has been said here.im also a step parent of a now 13 yr old girl.my wife says girls are easier to raise than boys.i disagree.we dont have to worry about the boy getting pregnant.the girl is going to give us fits when she gets much older,by the way things are going now.she is also working on getting grounded for life.i let my wife read what everyone wrote on here, she laughs and says thats my job to show the boy the girl wants to date, my guns safes and tell them how its going to be.she especially liked dongizmo's and codenamepaul's part.lol.good luck. 0 -
My oldest has ALWAYS been a bit of work....so when this boy started coming around I thought "here we go." He seems nice enough, but she isn't at the age to start really DATING. Going out with her peers hasn't even happened yet.
I didn't get to go from one baby step to another....where I got to let her go out of the house and just worry about traffic, drinking, dangerous locations, and usual idiotic behavior you know all teens are up to.
I got to go straight from....with me or other family members....to "hey there guy out of nowhere...here is my daughter." I'm just hoping she thinks enough of herself to not put up with crap guys try.
I may try the "not minding prison much thing."0 -
quote:Originally posted by Locust Fork
and usual idiotic behavior you know all teens are up to.
Lets make that MOST
[:D][:D][:D]
Im comin up on 15 and i dont really plan on running out and takin someones daughter.. Pff.. I dont want to get shot, Thanks though! [}:)][;)]
Go with the gut, LF, its one of those gut-sy things0 -
quote:Originally posted by Slow_Hand
My approach with my daughter was this. I gave her some brand new condoms and while she was standing there with her mouth open I said:
"I hope you will do the right thing and refrain from having sex until you're old enough - BUT - if you are going to do it anyway, you now have no excuse whatsoever to not use proper protection. I'm too young to be a grandfather and sexually-transmitted diseases may kill you."
And then, after her mouth closed, I finished with:
"Remember that ALL men - and I mean ALL men - are lying, thieving, dirtbags out for only one thing from you. They won't remember your name in the morning, let alone "love you".
She laughed and said, "Okay dad." Bottom line is, she did the right thing for herself.
It all comes down to trust. But, IMO, it's better to be prepared just in case.[;)]
Most logical.0 -
Chaining them to the boiler in the basement has always worked for me. 0 -
I hear ya, Locust.
While kids are still kids, times have changed. Sex can kill, drugs can kill, and where two drunken dudes at a party having an argument 30 years ago whould have taken it out to the backyard and duked it out, now, knives and guns get used.
While my daughter has always been very mature and level-headed, and I do trust her, I do NOT trust some other teen to keep her best interest in his/her best interest. And as we all know, and I have reiterated with her, that person who is going to be encouraging you to go to that first kegger, or ride in that car, or skip school, or smoke that first cigarette/bong hit, are not going to be the shady, creepy, dude in the dark alley, or the well-known, drop-out trouble-maker. Just like when we were kids, it will be your best friend, the kid that your mom and dad like, and so I've always encouraged her to hang with those who she doesn't feel intimidated by, and to try to be a leader, not a follower.
I'm still scared to death.
I told her last night that any guy she brought home would be told by me "Make my daughter cry, or make me cry, and I know a couple of hard-core bikers who would hunt you down and knee-cap you just for $h!*$ & giggles..."0 -
quote:Originally posted by rcrxs old lady
Make my daughter cry, or make me cry, and I know a couple of hard-core bikers who would hunt you down and knee-cap you just for $h!*$ & giggles..."
That, would scare me. Just reading it here does. [:0][:0][:0]0 -
I would put her on birth control also, just because even if she is having sex, there wouldn't be a kid involved. I agree with rcrxs, it is really sad that kids cant just take their problems outside like they used to. I think it's because the schools wont let them fight any more so they cant learn how to really fight. 0 -
Well, despite earlier post, WILL add one thing- made a deal with my kids when they became teens- if the time comes that you are in an unsafe position- person driving is drinking, doing things likely to get you ALL put in prison, not taking no for answer, etc, GET OUT at the first public place with a phone. Call me- and say "I need you to get me." I will come get you with no third degree. Just a safe ride home. Two boys and two girls. Guess who used this one time each?
ALL OF THEM.0 -
quote:Originally posted by frankcastle13
I would put her on birth control also, just because even if she is having sex, there wouldn't be a kid involved. I agree with rcrxs, it is really sad that kids cant just take their problems outside like they used to. I think it's because the schools wont let them fight any more so they cant learn how to really fight.
There are ways around fighting at school
Walk home.0 -
quote:Originally posted by 11b6r
Well, despite earlier post, WILL add one thing- made a deal with my kids when they became teens- if the time comes that you are in an unsafe position- person driving is drinking, doing things likely to get you ALL put in prison, not taking no for answer, etc, GET OUT at the first public place with a phone. Call me- and say "I need you to get me." I will come get you with no third degree. Just a safe ride home. Two boys and two girls. Guess who used this one time each?
ALL OF THEM.
My daughter has a cell phone, but before she had that, we agreed that if she is ever at a party or in a position where someone who should not be driving is trying to get her to come and get her, or feeling compromised in some other way, she will call me, pretend she's ordering a pizza, give me the address, and I will meet her outside. No questions asked...
Hope she uses it...0 -
If your daughter doesn't think well on her feet, you don't want to add a guy to the picture yet. Give the girl a little more time to mature. 0 -
Your work's done, except being there for her whenever she needs you, for guidance or whatever. At fifteen years of age, her value and belief system, for better or worse, is pretty much established. Just "try" [:)] to relax, you've most likely done well in the parenting department, and things will be just fine...as life goes. 0 -
A few things:
1. I am not a parent, except to my dog.
2. I don't wish to be a parent, except for critters.
3. I do remember being a teenager.
4. I do have friends who are parents.
5. I remember the hell I put my parents through.
Saying that, most children require discipline and rules in order to respect you. If you don't lay down rules, they won't respect you. They may break the rules you lay down, they may lie to you about breaking the rules, but in the end, they will still respect you.
If I were a parent, I'd want a boy and not a girl. I would imagine that I would spend at least 21 years wondering if my daughter was getting pregnant, who was attempting to impregnate her, how much a wedding was going to cost me and how many years into debt I'd have to be in order to pay for a wedding, college and childrearing. At least if I had a boy, I'd simply have to worry if some girl's father would kill him for trying to impregnate his daughter.
If I had a girl, she'd be locked in the basement until she was 30, and I'd then send her out of the house.
If I had a boy, he'd know straight up that at 18, he better find someplace to live, and that any offspring he produced will be living with him, not me. If he generated offspring prior to turning 18, he better find a job and someplace to live, because we're not raising his children.
So, as you can see, it is probably a good idea that I'm not a parent.
And, the first part of this post is relevant to you, LF. Lay down rules, and your kid will respect you.
Jeff0 -
hey ther locust fork how y'all are in my experiance seems if you say no they will anyway sooo. go the other way and make your deal with the boy. tell him she can go once a week for now as long as her grades are kept up and your rules are honored. he will break his neck to help her study and make shure she is home on time. expect him to show respect for her and your wishes ,and i think you'll see that if you can befriend him it can help you control her. just my thoughts lorne[;)][:0][:D] 0 -
Good luck LF. Some youths are more capable at making the right decision at an early age than others. I've known a few that are not capable of making those decisions at 21. Good luck. Give her as much freedom as you can.
Me? I lived in the country with limited social contacts outside school and church. Basically my parents saw it too much an inconvinence to take time for me to have a social life. In any case, you could say it was a short leash. I didn't go crazy once I had freedom, but I now have little tolerance for my parents opinions (and they have many opinions). I live near my parents, but they drive me crazy. We don't talk as much as we should.
My cousin was your classic idiot geoing up. He made most of the classic foolish decisions. His parents tried their best. They fought a lot then, but they do have a better relationship than me and my parents now. Go figure.0
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