Joke Of The Day
Garfield has it right!
0
-
Dear Sirs:
> In view of what seems to be happening internationally with
> banks at the
> moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of
> my checks is
> returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I
> know whether that refers to
> me or to You?0 -
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."0 -
Short and Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilot training back in the
Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number
of landings you make
equal to the number of take
offs you make."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
you're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.0 -
We should all try and learn something new every day. Here's one for today.
I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW ..
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.0 -
> >> After all these years, the Bill & Hillary show is still good for a
> >> laugh!
> >>
> >> Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the
> >> first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of
> >> the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers to Bill. At first,
> >> Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back
> >> at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
> >> The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the
> >> entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy".
> >> Bill hesitates...but begins to change
> >> his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
> >> Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the
people
> >> want. C'mere Hilly, baby."
> >> With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of
her
> >> pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
> >> She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!".
> >> The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,
> >> hooting, and high fiving.
> >> Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the
> >> agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed
> >> how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone
totally
> >> pale, he asks what is wrong.
> >> The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first
> >> PITCH."0 -
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're
in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
you,
what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's
lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!""[:D][:D][:D]0 -
quote:
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar
but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as
first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured
Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag
who got what he deserved."
He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left
wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us."0 -
No speaka da English:
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig !' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives!'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' bouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'
$ 1.00 says you're gonna read this again.0 -
Some may find this one amusing:
quote:A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an jerk!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for jerk?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."0 -
Post Turtle
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old California rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Nancy Pelosi and her elevation to speaker of the house.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Nancy is a post turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb ass get down."0 -
Difference between stop and slow down
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says,"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
That's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving mess out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"0 -
MY FORGETTER!! My forgetter's getting better But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Often times I walk into a room, Say, "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE??? Please send this to everyone you know because... I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO . 0 -
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"0 -
0
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool
> he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
>
> The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
>
> The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
>
> The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the
> man had ever had.
>
> The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?"
> The man answered "oh, about 164 "
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
> inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc......
>
> .
> The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would
> try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot
> clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
>
> Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
>
> This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started
> discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to
> expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
> stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
>
> This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
>
>
>
> The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
>
>
> "A-R-E
> Y-O-U-R P-E-O-P-L-E R-E-A-L-L-Y G-O-I-N-G
> T-O N-O-M-I-N-A-T-E
>
>
> H--I--L--L--A--R--Y0 -
In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
A new Muslim clothing shop opened here in Sanford, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Face Book. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ... "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick buzzard."
The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.0 -
Joke-O-The Day
Salesman of the Century
A young guy from Minnesota moved to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do
you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman
back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the looks of the kid, so he gave him a job and said
"You start tomorrow, and I'll come down after we close and see how
you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it, and after the
store was locked up, the boss came down."How many customers bought
something from you on your first day? The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just One?" You know our sales people average on a
slow day 20 to 30 customers, but you had "JUST ONE". And how much
was your "JUST ONE for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss said what?... "$101,237.65?
Well, what the heck did you sell?'' The kid says, "First, I sold him a
small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a
larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine "Chris Craft". Then he said he didn't think his "Honda Civic" would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that "4X4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A man came in here to buy a fishing hook and you sold
him a "BOAT and a TRUCK?""
No " the kid said, "The man came in to buy monthly hygiene products for his wife, And I
said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing".0 -
0
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I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help !!!!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help
him get an erection.
When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.0 -
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.
Jeff0 -
A photographer from a well-known national magazine was assigned to cover Southern California's wildfires. The magazine wanted pictures of the heroic work the fire fighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his obtaining good photographs from ground-level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and via a cell phone call to the local county airport, necessary arrangements were made. He was told a single-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. He arrived at the airfield and spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind, and roared down the runway. Within just a minute or two of his arrival they were in the air.
The photographer requested the pilot to, "Fly over the valley and
make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for a national magazine," he responded, "and I need to get some close-up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
"So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"0 -
Recieved this in an email:
Subject: Kids !
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the 2008 nomination of Hilary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids !0 -
A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA
DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.
WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES
TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB.!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR.
IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT
FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE
COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A
TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES
IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD
FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS
ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE
PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A
BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN
QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR.
ONE MORE test. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE
FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS
DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK,
242 BOARD FEET AT BEST"
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A
LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE
IS.
AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA
TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE
THAT TREE OVER THERE?" I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT
TREE.
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS
THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE
LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON
THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S
THE FRONT", THE REDNECK SAYS.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE
HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS
LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A
poop BEHIND IT."
HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!
[:D][:D][:D]0 -
A preacher decided his congregation needed some visual aids to understand his sermons about the evils of alcohol and other vices so he prepared the following items. He took 4 glass jars and filled one with chocolate, one with fresh dirt, one with booze, and one with cigarette smoke.Into each he placed a live earthworm . Sunday morning he preached his sermon and concluded with pulling the worms out of each jar .As can be expected all the worms except the one in the jar with the dirt were dead .Speaking to the congregation he asked " what can we learn from this ?"Sister Mabel, age 98, stood up from back of the church and said "If you drink whiskey, eat chocolate and smoke cigarettes you will not have worms!" 0 -
Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"0 -
ATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.0 -
You may have seen this, it has been around for a while.
The Police Stop
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has
the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got
my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I
saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting
my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and
killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the
trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can
see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told
you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped
you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole
the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was
a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.0 -
Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting
in the living room talking about many things.
The idea of a living will came up and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle. If I ever come to that just
pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then
threw out my beer.
Bitch.....0 -
Redneck Coroner...
Three smiling corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.
"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning $20 million on the lottery."
He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having a 'good time' with Trudy-May."
Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."
"Well," asks the detective, "Why in heck was the fool smiling?"
"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."
[:D]
Jeff0 -
Here's a good old story about a good old boy from Texas:
Seems a guy cruises through a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his (CCW ~ Concealed Carry Weapons) permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.
And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of?"
Not a dam thing0
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