Joke Of The Day
Garfield has it right!
0
-
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really MAD!!! She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.0 -
The help button listed on Gunbroker.com [?][:D] 0 -
I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Columbia River this morning about 8:20.
As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.
It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.0 -
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a San Francisco, CA
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the San
Francisco 49ers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.0 -
You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.
>
> The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25
> to life would be appropriate.
> --Jay Leno
>
> America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
> --Jay Leno
>
> Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
> A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
> A: A fund raiser.
> --Jay Leno
>
> Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
> A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The
> other is for housing prisoners.
> --David Letterman
>
> Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
> it started to sink, who would be saved?
> A: America !
> --Jimmy Fallon
>
> Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
> A: Bo has papers.
> --Jimmy Kimmel
>
> Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
> A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
> --David Letterman0 -
Repairing a Marriage Thru Counseling ;-)
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'0 -
http://www.jsonline.com/news/state/nov05/373937.asp
The county nursing home is being downsized for lack of funds. What they going to do, shoot brats into space? Your tax dollars at work.....
joe0 -
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of bucks for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted five dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on going down to the range and blasting off a few shots?"
"Are you MAD? I haven't been shooting in 2 years!" The man said,
"Well, I'm not going to give you this five dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
"Probably!" replied the kind guy "But it's worth it so I can show my wife what someone looks like two years after they stop shooting!"0 -
0
-
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! ll
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says .
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day.0 -
Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2010 it will begin offering customers a new discount item...Walmart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas , Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brands and varieties.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother responing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.0 -
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida,
and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more
details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of
their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private
regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have
to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'
[:D][:D][:D]0 -
A cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and
orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the
bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas,
we promised that we would drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together. So I am drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for
myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way, she orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day she comes in
and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice And fall silent. When
she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her
eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains. "It's
just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though."0 -
Mexican Bungee Jumping
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a pi?ata?!"0 -
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robe perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought the answer was strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father.0 -
The lesbian couple that lives next door just bought me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice but, I think they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."
[:D]
Feel free to post your own!0 -
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6' tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times "*0 -
Body Statistics
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's BallPark Frank is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are
standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.0 -
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver0 -
Las Vegas Churches
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ? GOTCHA0 -
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the
right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating
woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell
phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting Officer was waiting with
her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,
and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I
assumed you had stolen the car." Priceless.0 -
I know a guy who lives in Pennsylvania and sorta has a beard.
He is Am ish0 -
An American wrestler was listening to his managers advice about his next match. The guys an Australian who has this lock hold that he calls a Kangaroo Hold. If he gets you in this hold youre screwed. It can not be broken. The manager demonstrated the hold and ways to block it.
The match started,and immediatly the American boy got locked in the hold The manager threw his hands over his eyes in utter dispair. Suddenly the crowd went wild. The manager looked up and saw the referee holding up the Americans hand in victory. Back in the getdressing room the manager said i did not see what happened. How did you break that hold?
Well the wrestler said he had me all twisted up and i looked up and saw this pair of balls hanging in front of my face so i bit them. Youd be suprised how strong you can get when you bite your own nuts.0 -
[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D] 0 -
LOL LOL LOL, Priceless!!![:D] 0 -
[:D][:D][:0] 0 -
That's about the way it seems to work around here. [B)] 0
Please sign in to leave a comment.
Comments
57 comments