Maybe I'm wrong, but.....
Maybe I'm wrong, but, I had a weekend motorcyle trip with some friends scheduled this weekend. Sandy said she couldn't ride that much, but wanted me to go ahead.
I made arrangements with Josh to stay home with his mother this weekend so I could go, and he agreed. I made hotel reservations (that I will be charged for unless they fill the hotel and have to use the room, won't happen) and got the bike ready this week as well as my stuff packed.
Last night, Josh informs me that he won't be home for the weekend because his girlfriend wants to go somewhere for the weekend. I find this out at 9:30 last night!
After some heated words and him telling me that no matter what, he's not going to be home, I call my friends and the hotel to cancel.
This morning, Sandy asked me why I wasn't going. I told her I changed my mind. I knew she would insist I go on and do the ride, but I would worry the whole time and be affraid she would fall or not be able to get enough to eat. I just couldn't do it, and if I had been given a little more notice, I could have made other arrangements through her brother or my sister. Like it was, I wouldn't try to dump this on them at 9:30 Friday night.
Now, maybe I'm wrong, but this isn't the first time he's bailed on a commentment to help me out with his mom, and now I just have no faith in him. I'm thinking very seriously about asking him to move out and get his own place, and I'll hire someone to come in through the week to sit with Sandy.
It's 1 o'clock Saturday afternoon here, and I'm still fuming! I just can't seem to let it go, and I'm not going to tell Sandy what happened. He's 32 and still can't man up to honor a commitment! I'm tired of providing for him on a oneway street. I think he'll grow up better on his own.
Am I wrong?
PS, I even feel guilty about not telling her the truth, but I don't want her to think she's a burden or to think badly about Josh. I'm torn!
I made arrangements with Josh to stay home with his mother this weekend so I could go, and he agreed. I made hotel reservations (that I will be charged for unless they fill the hotel and have to use the room, won't happen) and got the bike ready this week as well as my stuff packed.
Last night, Josh informs me that he won't be home for the weekend because his girlfriend wants to go somewhere for the weekend. I find this out at 9:30 last night!
After some heated words and him telling me that no matter what, he's not going to be home, I call my friends and the hotel to cancel.
This morning, Sandy asked me why I wasn't going. I told her I changed my mind. I knew she would insist I go on and do the ride, but I would worry the whole time and be affraid she would fall or not be able to get enough to eat. I just couldn't do it, and if I had been given a little more notice, I could have made other arrangements through her brother or my sister. Like it was, I wouldn't try to dump this on them at 9:30 Friday night.
Now, maybe I'm wrong, but this isn't the first time he's bailed on a commentment to help me out with his mom, and now I just have no faith in him. I'm thinking very seriously about asking him to move out and get his own place, and I'll hire someone to come in through the week to sit with Sandy.
It's 1 o'clock Saturday afternoon here, and I'm still fuming! I just can't seem to let it go, and I'm not going to tell Sandy what happened. He's 32 and still can't man up to honor a commitment! I'm tired of providing for him on a oneway street. I think he'll grow up better on his own.
Am I wrong?
PS, I even feel guilty about not telling her the truth, but I don't want her to think she's a burden or to think badly about Josh. I'm torn!
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Are you wrong?
No.0 -
No, you're not wrong. How old is Josh? A man is only as good as his word. This younger generation doesn't seem to mind if they back out of their agreements. They want to do what feels good at the time.
If he's living under your roof, then guess he needs to follow your rules. If that includes helping out with mom, then so be it. If he doesn't like it, let him find out how real life on his own will be. Good luck.0 -
You are a good man and you are doing the right thing by cancelling the trip. I really feel for you and know how disappointing it must be to not be able to rely on your son. I would probably be inclined to ask such an irresponsible and inconsiderate son to find another place to reside. It doesn't sound like this is the first time something like this has happened and talking to him hasn't done any good. Best wishes in what ever decision you make. I'll keep you in my prayers for wisdom and guidance. 0 -
Heh. You show FAR more restraint that I would have. I've been seeing you complain about this jerk kid of yours for a LONG time now.
He would be out on his azzzzzzzzzz a long time ago, if he was my kid. He has ZERO appreciation or respect for you.
Tell him to pack his bags!
Merc0 -
quote:Originally posted by dheffley
Maybe I'm wrong, but, I had a weekend motorcyle trip with some friends scheduled this weekend. Sandy said she couldn't ride that much, but wanted me to go ahead.
I made arrangements with Josh to stay home with his mother this weekend so I could go, and he agreed. I made hotel reservations (that I will be charged for unless they fill the hotel and have to use the room, won't happen) and got the bike ready this week as well as my stuff packed.
Last night, Josh informs me that he won't be home for the weekend because his girlfriend wants to go somewhere for the weekend. I find this out at 9:30 last night!
After some heated words and him telling me that no matter what, he's not going to be home, I call my friends and the hotel to cancel.
This morning, Sandy asked me why I wasn't going. I told her I changed my mind. I knew she would insist I go on and do the ride, but I would worry the whole time and be affraid she would fall or not be able to get enough to eat. I just couldn't do it, and if I had been given a little more notice, I could have made other arrangements through her brother or my sister. Like it was, I wouldn't try to dump this on them at 9:30 Friday night.
Now, maybe I'm wrong, but this isn't the first time he's bailed on a commentment to help me out with his mom, and now I just have no faith in him. I'm thinking very seriously about asking him to move out and get his own place, and I'll hire someone to come in through the week to sit with Sandy.
It's 1 o'clock Saturday afternoon here, and I'm still fuming! I just can't seem to let it go, and I'm not going to tell Sandy what happened. He's 32 and still can't man up to honor a commitment! I'm tired of providing for him on a oneway street. I think he'll grow up better on his own.
Am I wrong?
PS, I even feel guilty about not telling her the truth, but I don't want her to think she's a burden or to think badly about Josh. I'm torn!
sounds like it's past time to cut the strings Danny...that's pretty darn sorry behavior.0 -
He is a man, time to act like one...show him the door and tell him to grow up. 0 -
Your son is a bum.
Kick him out.0 -
Danny
I think its time for your son to become a man and the only way for him to do that is to get out from under mom and dads wings
Im sorry but at 32 he needs to be on his own I understand when someone has problems and needs help but come on hes 32 its time to grow up. i say this because Im 36 and have had my share of problems.
and as for as him leaving for the weekend with the girl well lets just say if I could not count on him he sure would not be counting on me to fall back on.0 -
Danny, since you asked, it's time to kick the boy out on his own. He will keep this kind of behavior up as long as you will let him. 32 and still living with you? Unless there are medical or other extenuating circumstances, time to cut the apron strings, so to speak. IMHO.
rider0 -
Holy cow! 32 yoa! I missed that. He's in my generation. Should have been kicked out a long time ago. Sorry, Danny. Good luck with whatever you decide.
My brother did something like this to my folks. I mean about the part of coming back to live with them. Check out a book called something like The Boomerang Generation.0 -
quote:Originally posted by rider
Danny, since you asked, it's time to kick the boy out on his own. He will keep this kind of behavior up as long as you will let him. 32 and still living with you? Unless there are medical or other extenuating circumstances, time to cut the apron strings, so to speak. IMHO.
rider
He moved back in after his second divorce. He helps Sandy when he's here, and does a good job of it, but I can't depend on him. He will leave in the middle of the week and I have to use vacation or sick leave to stay home with her.
He's about to have some major dental surgery (he doesn't have insurance, and the surgery and bone graphs are costing sandy and I a little over $40,000 dollars) and will be mostly down for the next month, and won't have his new teeth for 6 months. I will follow through on the commitment to pay and let him live here for that time, but I'm going to tell him, as soon as it's all finished, I want him out on his own.
I've had enough of his "it's all about me" attitude. I pay him $500 a week to stay with Sandy, plus all of his expences and furnish him room and board. I was going to pay an additional $200 for this weekend.
After he's finished with the dental stuff, I'm through!0 -
I don't want to piss you off, but you have "SUCKER" written across your forehead. I would NOT pay him a frickin PENNY to help take care of Sandy! He is just loving this free ride! Sheesh.......you are getting screwed.
Merc
He moved back in after his second divorce. He helps Sandy when he's here, and does a good job of it, but I can't depend on him. He will leave in the middle of the week and I have to use vacation or sick leave to stay home with her.
He's about to have some major dental surgery (he doesn't have insurance, and the surgery and bone graphs are costing sandy and I a little over $40,000 dollars) and will be mostly down for the next month, and won't have his new teeth for 6 months. I will follow through on the commitment to pay and let him live here for that time, but I'm going to tell him, as soon as it's all finished, I want him out on his own.
I've had enough of his "it's all about me" attitude. I pay him $500 a week to stay with Sandy, plus all of his expences and furnish him room and board. I was going to pay an additional $200 for this weekend.
After he's finished with the dental stuff, I'm through!
[/quote]0 -
Tough situation, Danny.
He's your boy and I can't presume to tell you right or wrong. Nobody wants to give up on their kid.
People say you gotta put your foot down sometimes and give them "tough love." Maybe those people are right, but I don't know if I could do it.
Good luck, and I hope it works out for ALL of you.0 -
quote:Originally posted by Mercury
I don't want to piss you off, but you have "SUCKER" written across your forehead. I would NOT pay him a frickin PENNY to help take care of Sandy! He is just loving this free ride! Sheesh.......you are getting screwed.
He had to have a job, and I needed someone here with her. I paid him what I would have paid anyone else, plus provided room and board because he was our son.
SUCKER, maybe, but I'm not going to be a sucker much longer.0 -
quote:Originally posted by Mercury
I don't want to piss you off, but you have "SUCKER" written across your forehead. I would NOT pay him a frickin PENNY to help take care of Sandy! He is just loving this free ride! Sheesh.......you are getting screwed.
Merc
+1
Several years ago, I had to tell my oldest son (had lost his job and wasn't looking for one---for months) that he had to move. Gave him a date "to be gone" and stuck with it.0 -
quote:He's about to have some major dental surgery (he doesn't have insurance, and the surgery and bone graphs are costing sandy and I a little over $40,000 dollars) and will be mostly down for the next month, and won't have his new teeth for 6 months. I will follow through on the commitment to pay and let him live here for that time, but I'm going to tell him, as soon as it's all finished, I want him out on his own.
I've had enough of his "it's all about me" attitude. I pay him $500 a week to stay with Sandy, plus all of his expences and furnish him room and board. I was going to pay an additional $200 for this weekend.
After he's finished with the dental stuff, I'm through!
So, after figuring in "room and board" you're paying this kid well over $30,000 a year to do what he should be willing to do for nothing?
Then (this year) another $40,000 for dental work?
After 2 divorces, he's proven that he has no sense of commitment or sacrifice and now you're doing a great job of being his "enabler"!
For $70,000 a year you could hire a full time professional caregiver and save yourself all the heartache.
KICK HIS GREEDY, SPOILED LITTLE A$$ TO THE CURB!!
And don't wait 6 months to do it!
JMHO0 -
You are just too loving.
30 some years old, living with you...
you PAY him to stay with his mom?!
wow.
hey, for 500 bucks a week ill come down and stay with sandy [:D]
heck, ill even do puzzles!0 -
quote:Originally posted by dheffley
quote:Originally posted by rider
Danny, since you asked, it's time to kick the boy out on his own. He will keep this kind of behavior up as long as you will let him. 32 and still living with you? Unless there are medical or other extenuating circumstances, time to cut the apron strings, so to speak. IMHO.
rider
He moved back in after his second divorce. He helps Sandy when he's here, and does a good job of it, but I can't depend on him. He will leave in the middle of the week and I have to use vacation or sick leave to stay home with her.
He's about to have some major dental surgery (he doesn't have insurance, and the surgery and bone graphs are costing sandy and I a little over $40,000 dollars) and will be mostly down for the next month, and won't have his new teeth for 6 months. I will follow through on the commitment to pay and let him live here for that time, but I'm going to tell him, as soon as it's all finished, I want him out on his own.
I've had enough of his "it's all about me" attitude. I pay him $500 a week to stay with Sandy, plus all of his expences and furnish him room and board. I was going to pay an additional $200 for this weekend.
After he's finished with the dental stuff, I'm through!
Can I apply for the job?[:o)] I love my kids, and if they were in a jam, I would let them stay, but only until they found a place, less if they cause me any grief.
Time for you boy to man up and start providing for himself!
40K for dental work? I would tell him to get a job.
Don0 -
Danny,......I have had extreme empathy for your situations.
At this point, I am starting to believe you are at the core of the constant issues you have with your "kids".
By doing all that you do, you have created dysfunctional "adults".
They don't appreciate what you are doing for them, and are taking extreme advantage of you , and your wife.
I would never wish to be paid to watch after my own mother![}:)]
I am pretty inflamed myself over this.
It is time for you to realize that 30 year olds plus,.......should run their own lives!
I took care of my mom, and step-dads home, and paid their bills for a full year, while he was slowly dying in the various specialty hospitals, while I took care of my own place, and ran my own business at the same time. The money for their bills did not come from me, but they put me on their accounts as a signer. I also took care of their dog.
During that year, the pressure almost killed me, but I felt it was my duty.
I never asked for a thing monetarily.
When my stepdad passed away finally,........and yes, I WAS at the hospital at 2:00 AM holding his hand, and crying like a baby, I was left 50K in his will.
What did I do?
I refused to take it, and told my mom to keep it, as she doesn't know what she will need as she gets older.
I said, "if it is there when something happens to you, and I am still around,.......I will get it then"
I see my mom several times a week, and we speak on the phone daily.
I go over there all the time to take care of household problems for her.
She wants to give me money,........I will not accept it.
You have created your own nightmare, of self interested kids, that look at you for money, and salvation.
Your concern should be your wife, and yourself,.........after all of that, IF something is left, then decide what you wish to do about your legacy, whether it be charity, or to leave it to them.
I hope you find a way to place importance where it belongs!
A son should not have to be paid, to watch after his mother,......this is "sick", and my heart bleeds for you, and your wife.[:(]0 -
Marc,
I'm worried you are right on many levels. I wanted the best for my boy's, and I went to far. I never wanted them to want, need or struggle. I have failed.0 -
quote:Originally posted by dheffley
I have failed.
Danny, I do not believe you have failed. Perhaps you have made too many heart motivated decisions, but ultimately it is up to your kids to grow up and become mature, responsible, and contributing adults. I think you probably taught them right from wrong, but that doesn't mean they will get the message.0 -
quote:Originally posted by dheffley
Marc,
I'm worried you are right on many levels. I wanted the best for my boy's, and I went to far. I never wanted them to want, need or struggle. I have failed.
No parent wants their children to "struggle",......they want them to have more than they had.
That is part of being a parent, and totally normal wishes, and desires, on your part.
You are being taken advantage of though, and I see it clearer than you do.
My mom did many things for me when I was young. I had a great childhood, especially being raised without a father.
I had my grandfather, and great uncles, that tought me how to be a man,.......not that my mother couldn't have done it, but we were a family unit. They all helped each other.
When things sink to the level of having to "buy off" your kids,......things have gone very wrong.
You want good lives for all of them, but only they can accomplish that.
The longer you subsidize them, the longer it will be before they are hit in the head, with the cold hard hand of reality.
You are a good man, and you have not "failed",.......it is never too late to take positive action.
I hope you take these words in the correct way.
You have far more life knowledge than I,.......I am sure I could learn many things from you.
I am simply trying to help, and give a side of the story that is different from yours.
Heck,......if we were neighbors, I would watch after your wife, so you could do SOMETHING, activity wise.
Everyone deserves some time for themselves, and it is not wrong to want that.
I truly wish you, and your wife, the best.[;)]0 -
quote:Originally posted by dheffley
quote:Originally posted by rider
Danny, since you asked, it's time to kick the boy out on his own. He will keep this kind of behavior up as long as you will let him. 32 and still living with you? Unless there are medical or other extenuating circumstances, time to cut the apron strings, so to speak. IMHO.
rider
He moved back in after his second divorce. He helps Sandy when he's here, and does a good job of it, but I can't depend on him. He will leave in the middle of the week and I have to use vacation or sick leave to stay home with her.
He's about to have some major dental surgery (he doesn't have insurance, and the surgery and bone graphs are costing sandy and I a little over $40,000 dollars) and will be mostly down for the next month, and won't have his new teeth for 6 months. I will follow through on the commitment to pay and let him live here for that time, but I'm going to tell him, as soon as it's all finished, I want him out on his own.
I've had enough of his "it's all about me" attitude. I pay him $500 a week to stay with Sandy, plus all of his expences and furnish him room and board. I was going to pay an additional $200 for this weekend.
After he's finished with the dental stuff, I'm through!
All I want to know is are you willing to adopt me? I'll be good for that kind of set up and appreciate it. I'm only 28 and in good physical condition so I can save you on surgerys plus I always hold my own insurance.
All joking aside. I don't really know the circustances, but I do know this. He is 32 and full grown man. He needs to gain alot of self reliance and make his own way in the world. I'm shocked that he is allowing you to do all this and especially pay for a surgery for HIM. Leave a boot print on his ass on his way out. It's to bad some people don't appreciate good dads like you. I'd love a dad to go fishing, hunting, shooting, or just hang out and split firewood with.0 -
32? you gotta be kiddin' me? Charge him for the motel and anything else you can think of, including past rent, and boot him. You'd be doing him a favor. He'll never grow up and learn to keep committments, and all the other "adult" rules, if you don't. Quit coddling, or he'll stay a baby forever.
You haven't failed yet dheff, but if you don't make him make his own way now, it soon will be. Fix him while you still can. Good luck to you with the Mrs.0 -
I think it's time for you to kick him out so he can grow up. He should be outraged that you would even offer him money to watch his own mother. Just make sure you don't say anything when you are too mad that you will regret later because while you are rightly frustrated you don't want to drive him away and lose your son. Best of luck. 0 -
500 a week for looking after Sandy and then he doesnt fulfil what he is asked?....Also an additional 200 for the weekend??? and his dental work plus all other expenses???????
Good grief Danny,...Josh has you right where he wants you....
Seriously, I know we can disagree on a lot of things but I luv both you and Sandy and you need to do some housecleaning...
Did you know you can hire from an agency and not pay that price????Least here you can...Check it out...0 -
Is this the one that ate your steaks too or was that someone else?
My BIL (brother-in-law) is 40 and still lives at home. He pays my MIL $300/month. He thinks that covers his expenses so acts like a border. In my opinion, a parent does their child no good by letting them stay indefinately. If he was going to school or just moved back for divorce or lost a job, that is understandable, but if he is just a bum, them it is time to empty the nest!0 -
You haven't failed yet. Now is the time, to say goodbye.
Heck, at what your paying he could get himself an apartment..0 -
32 & teeth are gone????? meth ???? he wont provide dependable care to MOM for big money so i would cancel his dental & everything...YOU DON'T OWE HIM....the money he has been soaking up will provide some quality care for sandy & peace of mind for you...time to boot him out & let him sink or swim on his own...tough but it is the best thing you can do for him & you...my best wishes to you & sandy & apologies if 2nd ?? was out of line but i have seen it before 0 -
Danny, I haven't met you, but even if I knew you I could not advise you to kick your son out. I have a similar situation with my quadruplegic daughter (29) living with us. Her sisters won't help their mom, but accept money from her and us. It is hardest on my wife and we have had many plans cancelled because of lack of care giver. I just figure that it's one more day that we'll be together and take one day at a time. Only you know what to do (or not do) in each situation. Tomorrow's another day here on the earth. 0
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