funny
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The pharmacist found a customer leaning against a wall inside his shop. He asks his newly-hired clerk why the man is leaning against the wall. Clerk: He wanted some cough medicine but since I couldn't find any, I gave him laxatives instead. Pharmacist: Laxatives don't help against coughs! Sure it does see he wont dare to cough! [:0] 0 -
when all else fails........................0 -
http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/~jon/humor/web_animations/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
[}:)] [:D] [:)] [:p] [^]
ATF0 -
quote:I would challenge you to try to find a post where I blatantly call anyone a name. I know you are just using me as an example, but I don't think you could find one
that is funny0 -
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Have You seen this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jBqgjBVAhA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Lee0 -
The Mole Family
-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....
Scroll down.......
Get ready.....
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...
MOLASSES[:D]
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN0 -
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"My faith, my country and my family will guide me; nothing more, nothing less" -Gen. Tommy Franks0 -
I had dinner with my brother-in-law's dad the other night. He's a local judge up in n'western NJ.
That evening he'd been in court and a farmer was before him, brought up on a .08 DUI charge. .08 is the cut-off, and the farmer's contention was that he wasn't really impaired, wasn't drunk. The farmer was a massive fellow, just huge, and his point was that he was such a big guy he wasn't intoxicated by how little he'd had to drink.
"Well," the judge asked, "how much did you have to drink?"
"Two drinks," the farmer replied. (And my brother-in-law's dad told me that this is the 100% standard answer. EVERYBODY has only had two drinks. Somebody could be found passed out in the middle of the freeway, 30 beer cans scattered around him, and a blood test would show that he should probably be dead from alcohol poisoning, and in court he'll say, "Two drinks.")
"And how big were each of these drinks?" the judge asked.
The farmer holds up a hand as big as a peach basket and says, "Four fingers. Neat."
Six months without a license, $500 fine, and mandatory alcohol classes.0 -
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.0 -
I'm sorry but I'm still laughin. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AN5YbfFszlI
About 21 seconds in. (in case you can't stand the music)
Allen0 -
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I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to ensure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein0 -
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Finally--a Rational Lawsuit!
Somewhere in the deep south, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigartte companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, that's true" answered the lawyer.
"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries--is that true, mister lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I was thinkin'-maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with."
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN0 -
[:D][:D][:D][:D]0 -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=201pgTaEseQ
If anyone on this forum wants to buy the product, publically stating they need it defeats the point.
Maybe some of you can get it for a "friend"0 -
From an auction:
Information added 11/11/2013 3:31:43 PM]
I now accept Pay Pal + 3.5 % for payment.
[Information added 6/14/2014 10:06:03 AM]
As of NOW, I no longer accept Pay Pal as they are SCUMBAGS.
I guess paypal schooled him.0 -
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Liberals are like slinkies. Not much good for anything, but it still makes you smile when you push one down the stairs. 0 -
i thought id just pop by & leave you this..have a chuckle..[:D]
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. [:D]0 -
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis
fighters".
The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun
battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".
Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and
instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis
fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to
the other side of the dune. Instantly Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and
cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with
his dying words tells his commander.
"Don't send any more men ... it's a trap, there's two of them!"0 -
Dam Permit:
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing! all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
THIS IS THE ACTUAL RESPONSE SENT BACK:
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris". I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring! Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do t! o live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers will be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality health problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
Ryan DeVries0 -
Three women competed in the recent Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim.
The brunette came in first, with the redhead a close second.
Much later, the blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked,
"I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
Larry0 -
My Black male Lab tried eating a toad tonight. He came to the back door acting like a wild horse. I let him into the house, but noticed the toad sitting on the patio.My Lab was foaming at the mouth like a dropped beer.[:D]I bet he remembers not to mess with toads. 0 -
I know this is an old one, but it still makes me crack up every time I see it. It's worth running again...
A Marine's date...
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before,
the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for
dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I
finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations
that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I
made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight
packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated
rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved
garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I
added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that
I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and
a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese
(kinda like velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of
my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks
fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated
it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger
Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special
Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it
sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets
of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says
that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was
the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that
poop is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale
at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine
decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food,
and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess
she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh
oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of
dismay.
Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each,
Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time I could hear her say "What the hell is
WRONG with me???," as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the
porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet
paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her
chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a
word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and
didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so
hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am
SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed,
I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an
Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed
her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of
"Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was
made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and
took off without a word.
She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't poo for 5 days, and when
she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from
down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to
combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook
dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food
beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that
was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd
been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been
in tears on the couch.
I know, I'm an jerk, but it was still a funny night.0 -
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i watched this 3 times and i still laughed
http://www.wimp.com./doorprank/0
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