A post from a woman gone crazy
What's it goin to take? What's it going to take for me to snap out of the feeling of being ever so lost. It seems happiness for some is being able to stand on you own two feet. I'm in the best shape financially I've ever been. I just receive a check from my mom to pay my truck off, my only monthly bill. I live in a house my dad gave me. He pays my utillities and the for car I drive.
But I'm just not happy. I'm not happy. I'M AM NOT HAPPY!!! and I don't know why.
My soul mate it dead. Nothing I can do will ever bring him back. I have his son, but he looks and acts like me. It seems like he's truly gone and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm not the same woman I was then and will never be again. The woman back then was happy. She was loving, not a care in the world. She was always dead broke, but she was happy. I miss that woman. I miss her so much. They laid her in the ground along side her soul mate. She's just as dead.
I just want to run away and start over maybe a new name and face.
I just want to find that happy blue eyed red head I once was.
I'm just so tired of being here. so tired of having to face all my fears. I'm so tired of feeling so lost. If he had to leave why can't he just let me go. Why can't I let him go. I can't live the rest of my life like this. There's too much that time cannot erase.
Traci
But I'm just not happy. I'm not happy. I'M AM NOT HAPPY!!! and I don't know why.
My soul mate it dead. Nothing I can do will ever bring him back. I have his son, but he looks and acts like me. It seems like he's truly gone and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm not the same woman I was then and will never be again. The woman back then was happy. She was loving, not a care in the world. She was always dead broke, but she was happy. I miss that woman. I miss her so much. They laid her in the ground along side her soul mate. She's just as dead.
I just want to run away and start over maybe a new name and face.
I just want to find that happy blue eyed red head I once was.
I'm just so tired of being here. so tired of having to face all my fears. I'm so tired of feeling so lost. If he had to leave why can't he just let me go. Why can't I let him go. I can't live the rest of my life like this. There's too much that time cannot erase.
Traci
0
-
keep telling yourself that, and that's the way it is going to be, tell yourself it is time to move on, and take care of Traci, and that's the way it is going to be
you can never replace a person 100%, we are individuals, but you can find someone to fill the void if you let them0 -
I wish I could offer you some solace.
The pain will never go away. It will diminish, but not be gone.
For now, live to nurture your child. Help him to blossom and grow.
There will be love for you, again.
I feel so sorry for you.
Doug0 -
You aren't crazy - you're perfectly normal. Grieving is a long process and never totally goes away. I lost both of my brothers, ages 19 and 26, and my daughter, age 20. I understand how you feel but you will get through this. Count on your loved ones and your own inner strength to face what lies ahead. And, prayer does work. You can do it. Believe me, I know. 0 -
You never get over the loss of your soalmate, you only learn how to live past it. And one day without you knowing it, love will come back into your life.
And as my aunt used to always tell us while we were growing up... "When you're down, the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man." And I find comfort there.
Got Guns?0 -
The previous replies are all good but, and I've been an RN working exclusively in mental health x 26+ years, you'd benefit from professional help and perhaps medication. No shame in that. If
nothing else, look up clinical depression on the web. What you're going through is one of, if not the most difficult of, stages/events
one can face in life. I am very sorry for your loss. Sometimes faith, time, your support system, material things, just aren't enough.....0 -
Traci
I am truly sorry for your loss.(It seems like he's truly gone and there's nothing I can do about it)
You are wrong on this part you will allways have
him with you not only in your son (even if he dose act and looks like you)but in your heart.
In time it will get better but never go away.
just have faith in God he knows what hes doing anf in time you will have the happiness you are seeking.
my prayers are with you.
Clay0 -
Ah sweetheart, your soul mate did noy leave you for ever, he is with you always and he will also probably try to help you find someone to fill part of the void he left.
He does not want you to feel so sad, he loved you way to much to leave you like that.
If you close your eyes and think of him, I am sure you can still talk with him, just like you did when he was still here, not even needing to speak words, you both knew what each other was thinking, it can still be that way, I promise.
Find some alone time, sit outside and listen, I am sure you will hear "I love you" in the wind.
Please take care of yourself, your child needs you.
Sending a virtual hug from SE Louisiana,
DSM0 -
Best wishes for a speedy return to your former self.
Take some time to do the things you used to enjoy, even when you don't feel like doing it. It does help!0 -
Traci,
I have been through a similar situation, one like you speak of. I felt like you say you do. The bottom line is, until I tried changing my outlook, my life was at a standstill. I put my trust in the Lord, my personal savior, and he helped me to go on and live a good life. Your past experience is something you will never get over, but something you will learn to live with. God will give you the strength if you ask him. I know this from experience, as do countless other people. Keep your chin up, it will get better.0 -
You know if you were to wake up one day and realize you hadn't thought about him in quite some time.....that would be worse than dealing with not having him and remembering him. I had a lot of help from my parents when I was younger and to have "the load" lightened is a good thing.....and we are both lucky to have family that cares and will be there for us.
BUT
We both know this burden of everyday living is not what makes us happy or unhappy. Who knows really what it takes? There isn't a mold for living a "happy" life. You just have to deal with things as you can and hope you can plan as you go so that things can be delt with as they come....while at the same time trying to take care of your son so he can be happy.
One thing I do know....is that as you get a little older (early 30's is when it hit me) there isn't a lot of "me" time. Usually you look back and see you were happy tromping around doing who-knows-what and having the time of your life not so long ago...and you don't know when it changed or if you can be that way again. I just take what I can as I get it. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about what isn't going like I want....its just aggrivating and doesn't help to keep thinking about things.
People have "middle age crisis" events because of dealing with all of this for years and think they can somehow go back to living when times were better. You are a smart girl with a lot going for you and I know you can get through these bumps in the road. Just don't dwell in everything if you can help it and next thing you know time will deal with everything.0 -
I cannot add much to the previous posts beyond the observation all of it is good advice and my personal sympathies. Take it one day at a time, an hour, whatever increment you can handle. Get through that and take on the next. It's slow, it's beyond painful, but it's a big part of what makes us human. In time, the ship of your life will steady out. The course will be different, but one you can steer.
All our children tend to take more from one parent than another, but I've yet to know of one who never manifested characteristics of the other. It may not show often or until your son is older, but you will see your soulmate in him. Even the part which seems so like you would not be there without his contribution.
Good luck to you, Traci; it will get better.0 -
I agree with all the above. Try slowing down your fast paced life, take things at a slower pace with an open mind. And enjoy the child, for he wont be little long. 0 -
Your not crazy, your human. Take each day as it comes. Don 0 -
...Well, at least you see the "good" side of your situation, the finacial side; thats a +1, you would rather not be "broke all the time again" Im sure.
..You also have a good and caring family AROUND so count yourself WAY beyond lucky there...that +1, now your up to 2.
...Im, as others, sorry for your loss, and Im sure its very very hard.
...Your call. Keep, thinking of/in the past, and probably stay unhappy at best, for a long time, along w/your son; who is DEPENDING on you. A wonderful, healthy son?+1, now your up to 3.
...Your up to 3, and Im SURE there are a LOT more positives if YOU look for 'em, so do it stop thinking of/in the past...that's why its called the past, its out of out control, gone. The future is what you have to deal with, and is all you have control over.
...OR, you can buck up, and get past it and move on. Sorry, but its life, and there is always "happier" times no matter where your at today and, "unhappier" times"...just the way it is. You dont have to "get over it", you need only to get past it.
...A theripist MIGHT make you aware af some things that YOU can work on to get past it, but YOU are the one that has to do those things, not the theripist not anyone else, YOU.
...You have never sounded like a blithering idiot on here, so I would think you can cowboy up on your own, without a theripist who is going to take your $$$ to get you to answer him/her "uh-huh, thats right! thats how I feel, thats what Im thinking! thats what I do!"...DO IT OWN YOU OWN, you already have the answers, find them within your self own your own, you will be better off, luck girl...[;)]
0 -
Traci,
I wish there were something I or anyone could say to make it easier. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Sometimes we just have to go through the motions until things start to look a little better. This never completely goes away, but trust me, it does get easier to live with in time.
Sometimes when you don't feel strong, you will have to appear to be strong for your son's sake. Maybe helping him get through this will also help you get through it. If he wants to talk about it, try to listen to him. There is no shame in crying sometimes.
Could be talking to a professional wouldn't be a bad idea, if for no other reason, to have somebody to talk to.
One day you will laugh at something you didn't expect to laugh at. It might not be the way you used to laugh, but it's a start.0 -
Feeling kinda melancholy aren't you? That is perfectly normal and you are right not to supress it with drugs.
Gradually you will realize that life does go on for you and your son. You have to consider his wellbeing above all else now. He is depending on you to raise and guide him.
You will meet a caring individual in your future. He will not replace, but rather supplement your journey through life. You will find happiness again, I promise.0 -
You sound perfectly normal to me.
But you do need to go on with life never forgetting what you had, but not hampering the present.0 -
You're spending too much time dwelling on the past.
You have too much time on your hands.
You need to get involved again with life.
It happens. It's tough. It's certainly not
the end - it's the beginning of the rest
of your life - treat it as such - too much
reflecting on what was will eat you from
the inside out.
You know what you have to do ... now is
the time to do it. The obvious is often
hard to see when it's so close.
Live life and stop shutting it out.
... it's always worked for me and
I've been there, too.
It does get better - and usually
much better!
Stop spending so much time
here - go out and live it.[8D]0 -
As a person, we are constantly changing. We are not the same person we were yesterday, nor the one we will be tomorrow. Some days it's a subtle change, some days drastic. Who you will be, from this point on, is up to you.
Some events beyond our control shape us, like it or not. Others we can control. One can focus on the negatives, or the positives, which will define the direction you take. THAT part, IS up to you. What it takes, is YOU wanting to. BEST wishes on your choice.0 -
Just remember that you aren't alone in the world. The situation you in has benn played over and over by countless individuals.
Find someone to talk at. Not a friend or family member, but a "professional". They'll be better able to give ya some insight. Depression can become a serious illness, just like the flu.0 -
Life isn't fair.........
You have to rise above your fears and feelings for the sake of your son.
You are a strong person that's feeling vulnerable, and that's normal.
We all have our weak days.
You have truly been blessed because you don't have to deal with being broke and unable to pay your bills on top of everything else.
Just concentrate on these words when you feel down : "No More Pain".
Keep saying it until it goes away.
God bless you, your son and your family.
TV0 -
this world is very spiritual .the lord is waiting for you to talk to him. please do this. here is a poem i borrowed , maybe it will help you . do not stand at my grave and weep ...... i am not there..i do not sleep....i am a thousands winds that blow....i am the diamond glints on snow....i am the sun on ripened grain....i am the gentle autumn rain... when you awaken in the morning hush....i am the swift uplifting rush...of quiet birds in circled flight....i am the soft stars that shine at night....do not stand at my grave and cry....i am not there...i did not die.[;)][;)] 0 -
What's it goin to take?
Time.
If you had passed on and were able to look down on your husband and son what would you want for them?
Avoid drugs. Try prayer.0 -
Wow, Traci.
I really don't know what to say. As some others mentioned, try prayer.
Best hopes and wishes for the future.0 -
My heart goes out to those whose heart aches more than mine. I know I will never understand the "why" what I believed was "meant to be" did not happen like I intended. There are no answers to why it happened, at least at the present moment. Sometimes all we can do is let the person or event become apart of us as we proceed through life. Maybe someday we will understand why once we are in a position where we can look back. Maybe we will all have to wait until Glory to understand why events in our lives happened.
God bless you.0 -
All I can say Traci is sorry, but "Wow", look at the support these fine GB friends are giving you. They have some very good advice and it's wonderful. I've never was too good at words, but pretty good a bringing on a smile now and then.
I too had some troubles and still do. Life hasn't been that great for the past year, and I have been to a doctor and was prescribe meds for depression. I do think they help, But just the other day I decided not to dwell on my problems and live in the now. That seems to have helped my attitude, and made me feel a little better. Things aren't so dim now.
Here's a Hug and a Smile, and Best Wishes. I feel for you.
Sarge0 -
Grief is what we owe to the absent- but they never ask more than we can pay. Yes, you SHOULD miss your soulmate. Yes, life SHOULD continue. If this was truly your soulmate, they would not want you to destroy self emotionally. Go find something to do- someone that needs something. Maybe some old folks that need their yard cleaned, or someone to bring them a pot of soup, and sit and listen while THEY talk about THEIR missing soulmate. Pain shared is divided, joy shared is multiplied (credit Spider Robinson). Will things ever be the same? No. Will things get better? Yes. 0 -
quote:Originally posted by sarge_3ad
All I can say Traci is sorry, but "Wow", look at the support these fine GB friends are giving you. They have some very good advice and it's wonderful. I've never was too good at words, but pretty good a bringing on a smile now and then.
I too had some troubles and still do. Life hasn't been that great for the past year, and I have been to a doctor and was prescribe meds for depression. I do think they help, But just the other day I decided not to dwell on my problems and live in the now. That seems to have helped my attitude, and made me feel a little better. Things aren't so dim now.
Here's a Hug and a Smile, and Best Wishes. I feel for you.
Sarge
I knew deep down inside you were just a big softie!0 -
Just remember that you're here for a reason - your job is not done. When you have doubts, just look into your little boy's eyes. He is your reason for being - as well as for reasons not yet discovered - and you will find happiness along your journey together. 0 -
quote:...you'd benefit from professional help and perhaps medication. No shame in that....
....Sometimes faith, time, your support system, material things, just aren't enough.....
I agree that speaking with a profesional may help to shed some light on how to recognize the opportunity to improve your outlook on life.
"No man (woman) is an island." Talking through things with another person, especially one who is unbiased and emotionally detached from you, is sometimes all that is needed. I believe that within each of us are many of the life-changing answers we seek. Speaking with a professional often helps a person to uncover and recognize those life-changing answers.
Pax vobiscum, Cutiegirlracing.0
Please sign in to leave a comment.
Comments
46 comments