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Premarital counseling

hivoltg
I thought I would ask you guys a question since I can get the opinions of a more diverse group here than among my friends that I see on a daily basis.
I have asked the love of my life to marry me and she happily said yes! That makes me really excited. What doesn't make me really excited is the fact that one of the first things her mother said was, "You will have to call Brother ***** (a preacher that has known her for the last 10 or so years) the good news. This preacher is the one that she wants to marry us, but he says we have to go to 12 weeks of "premarital counseling". Is this normal? what is going to take place at this counseling? Why, when we have never had ANY problems, are we going to "counseling"?
Oh, if it matters, this is a Baptist preacher. We were both raised in Baptist homes but do not attend church on a regular basis. I am a Christian and I believe that I can worship God from anywhere. I don't believe that I have to go to church to prove my devotion to God. (That was just a little background to help you in your reply)

I am just asking for any info you can give, and any opinions or thoughts on this are welcome (let's just try to keep it nice)

Thanks for any input
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Comments

47 comments

Date Votes
  • Huntingnerd33
    Most importantly, congratulaions! I hope you and your soon-to-be wife enjoy what God has planned for your lives together.

    To answer your questions simply, yes it's normal. There are a lot of people I know that have gone through counseling.

    I believe the purpose of this counseling is to bring awareness to issues that may come up and what to do when unforseen issues come up.

    I've heard that it's well worth it. Can't do any harm, can it?
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  • nards444
    quote:Originally posted by abcguns2
    What ??? what kind of nut case family are you planning on marrying into ??? marriage (pre) counseling is pure b.s. , why would you endure weeks of this crap of some-one telling you how you should treat your wife and then raise your family , if you are old enough to get married , you are set in your ways and values and how you deal with life issues as well as your morals ...I cannot find one good reason you should do this , only negitive ones ...One other thing to consider , if you allow your soon-to-be mother-in-law to dictate this then you are setting a presadence(?) on the situation and relationship of your future marriage , (i.e. if she gets away with forcing this crap on you now , what are you going to say when




    For one most churches require it. But I dont know an exact percentage but to me probably more people dont need it then people who do need it. It did bring up some good points. Some people get married without even talking about finances, children,housing, retirement,family, etc. Most pastors will bring this stuff out. My wife as great as she is, is younger than me and quite frankly had never thought of any of this stuff. I dont think pastors should get to personal and most of them probably dont. Pastor or no pastor you should think about some of those things listed above
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  • William81
    It's been 25+ years ago that my bride and I attended premartial counseling. Even though we did not think we needed it, the pastor we had gave us things to think about that we had not considered and overall it was a good experience.....
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  • Permanently deleted user
    Most churches do require some pre-marital councelling and I think it's a good thing.
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  • allen griggs
    It sounds like a waste of time. It also sounds like now is the time to let mother in law know that she won't be making any decisions for you.
    Very good idea to move some distance away from this meddling mother in law. She has the makings of a marriage destroyer.
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  • JackBwr
    We did not go through pre-marital counseling. I had been with my girl friend for 4 years before I asked her. We were not in a position to blow thousands of dollars that we don't have on a wedding and nobody else was going to fund it so 4 months ago,we did elope. We're in our 20s, this was the first marriage for both of us, and we were married at the courthouse. Nobody was there and nobody even knew it was going to happen. (It was intended to be a suprise and people were happy.) And we didn't go to counseling. Many people here might laugh and say our marriage doesn't have a chance because of this. Well, IMO, you REALLY need to know the person and have a gut feeling about it. I'm not going to worry about it. We were used to eachother already. We never fight about anything. We both can just live and let live so our home life is very simple. I fool with hobbies and she doesn't bother me. She doesn't do or attempt to do anything that makes me angry and vise versa. We talked about everything on our own many times. We enjoy eachother's company just as much as the first date. She believes in everything I believe in.

    I can give you all the counseling you need right here. [:D] If anybody is trying to marry a high maintenance drama queen where EVERYTHING is a drama and they only worry about themselves and what friends are thinking, it's going to be a long, tough road. Many aren't even aware that's the type of situation they're in! Then, some people worry about everything so much, that it can ruin what could have been a great relationship. Most of the time, you just have to say "so what" and live with it. In the end, one person may be a little bit happier or a little bit more satisfied than the other and you both just need to be happy with that. Don't keep score.
    I believe some people should go to the counseling. It could be the best step of mistake prevention you could ever make. Especially if there are conflicting religious backgrounds. Get this straightened out early. This can cause severe problems down the road when kids are involved. Thankfully, we don't have to worry about it.
    Some people haven't experienced enough. I felt like I've experienced the good and the bad to both extremes and I felt confident in my decision for many reasons. It's up to you man. Don't let the MIL dictate this. I'm fortunate to have great in-laws that mainly keep to themselves but we still visit often. I realize that is not the norm though.

    Oh yeah, if she says " No guns.", MOVE ON!!
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  • allen griggs
    "I didn't ask her Dad ( a retired Marine Sargeant ) for her hand."

    Admit it: It wasn't her hand that you were after.
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  • select-fire
    quote:Originally posted by allen griggs
    "I didn't ask her Dad ( a retired Marine Sargeant ) for her hand."

    Admit it: It wasn't her hand that you were after.



    [:D] [:D]
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  • Colonel Plink
    Just my experience....
    My first wedding, an Episcopal ceremony, required 4 weekly pre-marital counselling sessions. Marriage ended after she tried to kill me.

    My second wedding, an Episcopal ceremony, required 4 weekly pre-marital counselling sessions. Marriage ended when she decided that she "wanted to see other people"

    My third wedding was officiated by the Sports Director at the radio station I worked for. No counselling required. Marriage still going strong 13 years and one child later.

    Extrapolate what you will of all this...

    My experience is that religious pre-marital counselling is merely a test to see how closely you plan to adhere to that sect's doctrine.
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  • spanielsells
    quote:Originally posted by Colonel Plink
    Just my experience....
    My first wedding, an Episcopal ceremony, required 4 weekly pre-marital counselling sessions. Marriage ended after she tried to kill me.

    My second wedding, an Episcopal ceremony, required 4 weekly pre-marital counselling sessions. Marriage ended when she decided that she "wanted to see other people"

    My third wedding was officiated by the Sports Director at the radio station I worked for. No counselling required. Marriage still going strong 13 years and one child later.

    Extrapolate what you will of all this...

    My experience is that religious pre-marital counselling is merely a test to see how closely you plan to adhere to that sect's doctrine.
    Interesting. Our church's premarital counseling actually spoke nothing of religion. Everything was more along the lines of conflict resolution, do we agree on kids, finances, etc.
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  • nards444
    sometimes you can get the best of both worlds. Maybe you fellas arent looking good enough or something. My wife graduated with a 3.7 with a BA in Finance at MSU. She found me and is great, no attitude and she adores me and vise versa. check out her link below. Plus she does a little modeling on the side

    http://hincity.com/Nards444
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  • GUNFUNCO
    WOW!
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  • spanielsells
    quote:Originally posted by nards444
    sometimes you can get the best of both worlds. Maybe you fellas arent looking good enough or something. My wife graduated with a 3.7 with a BA in Finance at MSU. She found me and is great, no attitude and she adores men and vise versa. check out her link below. Plus she does a little modeling on the side

    http://hincity.com/Nards444
    Not my type, but I'm happy for you.
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  • allen griggs
    I would reject the counseling just to let that mother in law know who the boss is.
    And, if your fiancee starts saying, "But my mother really wants us to go. Mom says it will help us a lot," then you know there is serious trouble brewing. Time to rethink the marriage, otherwise, look at the thread from yesterday about the misery of divorce.
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  • El Kabong
    My MIL though I was "bad news". Huh. My wife was raised Baptist, and I liked to raise Hell every now and then, (i.e. drink, big surprise from an Irish-Catholic[:)]).

    Almost 14 yesrs later, she's in the gomer home, and I am now the greatest thng since sliced bread. ANd the wife and I are doing great.

    Screw the counseling. We got married in a Methodist Church, by a kindly older Pastor. He asked us 2 questions. "Is she pregnant?" No, we just want to get married (we were in our mid-20's). "Have either one of you been married before?" No, both still single. "OK, I don't to shotguns and I don't do re-runs"[:D]. So no BS from the Baptist or Catholic Churches.

    And show the MIL who is boss NOW, or you'll regret it.
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  • oldgunner
    Dang son, if you weren't confused before you posted this, you are now...Advice is useless sometimes. Follow your instincts. You're going to do as you please anyway, and that's exactly as it should be..It's your life after all.
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  • GreenLantern
    12 weeks is excessive IMO. If you are not comfortable with that long of duration perhaps you and the future misses could negotiate a lesser # of weeks since the preacher knows her so well. It's not like you are two strangers walking in off the street. Either way, I'd do the counseling if I were you. That's coming from someone who was opposed to it from the start and I only had to go 3 times, though it was at the pastors house, since like your situation, he was a friend of my wifes family. At first I had some animosity towards him , but the whole effort was benefitial because it became more apparent that my wife and I were on opposite ends of the spectrum as far as religious views. In fact, he called us one night and told us he didn't think he could marry us. Things changed after the last 2 sessions after we had time to talk more. In the end he married us and now I have come to have a lot of respect for him and look forward to the times we get to bump into him and his wife. So the moral of my story is that you never know what'll come out of it.
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