Premarital counseling

scubabobf

January 18, 2007 01:44

Congrats on finding the love of your life. The premartial conselling is a part of the Catholic church. If you are both Baptish. you will have interesting discussions. Sounds like the choice of the Father rests more with your future Mother in Law than your beloved. The Father may press you to commit to raising your children in the Catholic faith rather than Baptist. The argument will be the service can not take place unless you both agree. Marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic faith. Also the Father may well press for your conversion. Good luck and in a sense it is good to get this important subject addressed early on. All the best.

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sarge_3ad

January 18, 2007 01:49

Elope!

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PC800

January 18, 2007 01:52

We did not do the counseling, thought it to be a waste of time to sit and listen to some preacher yak. I have known people that have done it, they all said it was a waste of time. And, your future mother-in-law should not be making decisions for both of you, bad way to start a marriage. The best way to start a marriage is move away from your families, that forces you two to make the decisions and grow together.

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shoff14

January 18, 2007 02:42

Just do it, stop worrying about it.

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spanielsells

January 18, 2007 03:11

Our church had a similar rule for premarital counseling. We went ahead and did it.

Look at it this way -- you have NOTHING to lose. One of the things that premarital counseling does is ensure that you've talked about important subjects (finances, debt, children, etc.) so that these don't become major surprises post-marriage. It also teaches you how to argue without losing your cool.

This is all GOOD stuff to know prior to saying, "I do."

So you kill a few weeks in premarital counseling. The worst that happens is you find out that you have more to talk about, or you discover pre-marriage that you two have totally different goals and expectations and you can call it off before any true damage is done.

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dlrjj

January 18, 2007 03:25

My wife and I had to attend one session before we got married if I remember correctly. It wasn't any big deal, didn't kill me to go along with it, and didn't ruin my life because I did. Sometimes it's better to go with the flow and not buck the system about things that don't really make any difference. There will be plenty of things to put your foot down about later, and going along with this one will store up a couple of "brownie" points in your column right from the start.

It probably wouldn't hurt if you politely mentioned to your future MIL that you really don't see any value in the program at this time, but you're willing to give it a try. That kind of an approach will help you establish that you can think for yourself, that you do have some opinions, but you're not the kind of jerk who just says "I don't do anything I don't want to do and you can't make me". Who knows, you might even find out a thing or two you missed, or hadn't thought about yet. It's not much in the total scheme of things. Why sweat the little stuff, there'll be plenty of big ones to deal with later.[:)]

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GUNFUNCO

January 18, 2007 03:32

My wife and I attended as well. No big deal and we even got to know a nice priest. You will both need to make sacrifices in your marriage, just consider this to be one of them. I do agree that your future mother in law should not be telling you what to do, but a subtle suggestion to get you on your way can be overlooked. You both need to decide how much you will allow her to influence you and your marriage. If you and your future wife are not ready to stand up to her, you might want to think about waiting a little while before getting married.

I have VERY strong family ties and know that I can always count on my family, but they don't interfere with the decisions of my wife and I, and we don't interfere with them and theirs. We often seek each other out to ask advice of each other rather than them telling us what to do. It has worked so far, I have been married 16 years and dated my wife for 14 more (Yeah, that's right-14 years) before that. We saw no need to rush into things. Married her when I was 30 and started having kids 2 years later.

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select-fire

January 18, 2007 03:36

Although not Catholic at the time I took the classes. Priest said we would fight over the dumbest stuff.. like who didn't put the cap on the toothpaste. Boy was he right. But still going strong with 30+ years.

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nord

January 18, 2007 04:00

Offering and requiring are two different things. I happen to agree with all the good points about pre-maritial counseling. BUT -

Marriage is a deeply personal decision made by two people. As such it may not open to discussion by a third party... Much less a third party with no actual experience in marriage. Further, while I can fully accept the recommendation of counseling, I cannot and would not accept it as a requirement.

My wife and I have been together for 38 years. We didn't receive the "benefit" of counseling and seem to have survived more or less intact. So intact that I think we'd both do the same thing over again if given the chance. I can safely say that had someone placed a requirement of counseling before me, I would have flatly refused. Had someone asked nicely, then I would have at least considered it though not liked it.

Counseling was suggested for my son and daughter-in-law before they were married. Neither belong to a church, but they're friends and neighbors of a small Wesleyan group just down the road from where they now live. The pastor is a next door neighbor and they asked him to marry them. I will forever respect this man as he asked them to meet him a couple of times rather than demanding.

What a nice way to get to know those who are about to marry and to be as sure as anyone can that they'll succeed. What a beautiful way to be able to be a personal part of the marriage ceremony as everyone involved is a friend. This I respect.

So... Demand of me and the answer will be a flat NO! Ask nicely and I'll usually accommodate. In the end I doubt that a few counseling meetings make a lot of difference in the marriage and I doubt that any pastor will derive a deep insight into those about to be married.

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nards444

January 18, 2007 04:08

I would say thats not the average but its nothing thats uncommon. I had to go five teams, so you can say I went 5 weeks. From my knowledge the average seems to be somewhere between 3-5 times, but like I said haveing to go for more than that is not uncommon. Personally I thought past session 2 they are started getting pointless, but its just like anything else you have to put your time in. But at the same time, it will bring some good points up which may strengthen your relationship, not to be a downer but some people do find out that they are making a mistake. If its that long you might be doing some group work.

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Sav99

January 18, 2007 04:33

Most churches require pre marriage counceling. I am non denominational and we require it. Think of it this way, you are going into the unknown if neither of you have been married before. The Pastor is married I assume. Would you say that an experienced person could share some insight that he/she has gained over the years with someone who has no experience with being married? Why not do it and learn what you can. My 2 cents.

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spanielsells

January 18, 2007 04:34

quote:Originally posted by GUNFUNCO
My wife and I attended as well. No big deal and we even got to know a nice priest. You will both need to make sacrifices in your marriage, just consider this to be one of them. I do agree that your future mother in law should not be telling you what to do, but a subtle suggestion to get you on your way can be overlooked. You both need to decide how much you will allow her to influence you and your marriage. If you and your future wife are not ready to stand up to her, you might want to think about waiting a little while before getting married.

I have VERY strong family ties and know that I can always count on my family, but they don't interfere with the decisions of my wife and I, and we don't interfere with them and theirs. We often seek each other out to ask advice of each other rather than them telling us what to do. It has worked so far, I have been married 16 years and dated my wife for 14 more (Yeah, that's right-14 years) before that. We saw no need to rush into things. Married her when I was 30 and started having kids 2 years later.
You hit on a big point, really. When you marry someone, you not only marry that person, but her family as well.

When my wife and I were dating, my folks didn't particularly care for her. I was very worried because I am very close with my family. However, after about six months into the marriage, my folks feelings started to thaw. Today, she walks on water -- I think that Mom and Dad have changed their wills so that she inherits everything, with or without me around. [;)]

My wife's parents are divorced. Her father and I get along famously. I enjoy visiting and we try to get out to Wisconsin at least once a year to see him (plus he always takes me hunting).

Her mother is, quite frankly, nuttier than a fruitcake. When my wife and I first started dating, she was all for it (in fact, she set us up). She was gung-ho about the wedding, and about a year after the wedding, she started not liking me and started telling her opinions to my wife. She accused me of not wanting to help her out, of wanting to keep my wife and her apart, etc. Essentially, my wife told her that the only thing keeping the two of them apart was her constant about me.

I try to be nice to my MIL, but I'm always walking on eggshells. At least I know in advance that, no matter what I do, good or bad, she'll not have a good opinion of me. So, I try to take the Christian path of heaping coals of kindness upon thy enemy.

I cringe whenever my wife suggests that we have to spend time with my MIL, but I do it because I love my wife.

You can pick and choose your spouse. Understand that you have to deal with her family, too, if she has any sort of relationship with them.

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select-fire

January 18, 2007 04:42

quote:Originally posted by spanielsells
quote:Originally posted by GUNFUNCO
My wife and I attended as well. No big deal and we even got to know a nice priest. You will both need to make sacrifices in your marriage, just consider this to be one of them. I do agree that your future mother in law should not be telling you what to do, but a subtle suggestion to get you on your way can be overlooked. You both need to decide how much you will allow her to influence you and your marriage. If you and your future wife are not ready to stand up to her, you might want to think about waiting a little while before getting married.

I have VERY strong family ties and know that I can always count on my family, but they don't interfere with the decisions of my wife and I, and we don't interfere with them and theirs. We often seek each other out to ask advice of each other rather than them telling us what to do. It has worked so far, I have been married 16 years and dated my wife for 14 more (Yeah, that's right-14 years) before that. We saw no need to rush into things. Married her when I was 30 and started having kids 2 years later.
You hit on a big point, really. When you marry someone, you not only marry that person, but her family as well.

When my wife and I were dating, my folks didn't particularly care for her. I was very worried because I am very close with my family. However, after about six months into the marriage, my folks feelings started to thaw. Today, she walks on water -- I think that Mom and Dad have changed their wills so that she inherits everything, with or without me around. [;)]

My wife's parents are divorced. Her father and I get along famously. I enjoy visiting and we try to get out to Wisconsin at least once a year to see him (plus he always takes me hunting).

Her mother is, quite frankly, nuttier than a fruitcake. When my wife and I first started dating, she was all for it (in fact, she set us up). She was gung-ho about the wedding, and about a year after the wedding, she started not liking me and started telling her opinions to my wife. She accused me of not wanting to help her out, of wanting to keep my wife and her apart, etc. Essentially, my wife told her that the only thing keeping the two of them apart was her constant about me.

I try to be nice to my MIL, but I'm always walking on eggshells. At least I know in advance that, no matter what I do, good or bad, she'll not have a good opinion of me. So, I try to take the Christian path of heaping coals of kindness upon thy enemy.

I cringe whenever my wife suggests that we have to spend time with my MIL, but I do it because I love my wife.

You can pick and choose your spouse. Understand that you have to deal with her family, too, if she has any sort of relationship with them.

Only the married couple was discussed with our Priest. No talk whatsoever about any family members.

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spanielsells

January 18, 2007 04:44

quote:Originally posted by select-fire
quote:Originally posted by spanielsells
quote:Originally posted by GUNFUNCO
My wife and I attended as well. No big deal and we even got to know a nice priest. You will both need to make sacrifices in your marriage, just consider this to be one of them. I do agree that your future mother in law should not be telling you what to do, but a subtle suggestion to get you on your way can be overlooked. You both need to decide how much you will allow her to influence you and your marriage. If you and your future wife are not ready to stand up to her, you might want to think about waiting a little while before getting married.

I have VERY strong family ties and know that I can always count on my family, but they don't interfere with the decisions of my wife and I, and we don't interfere with them and theirs. We often seek each other out to ask advice of each other rather than them telling us what to do. It has worked so far, I have been married 16 years and dated my wife for 14 more (Yeah, that's right-14 years) before that. We saw no need to rush into things. Married her when I was 30 and started having kids 2 years later.
You hit on a big point, really. When you marry someone, you not only marry that person, but her family as well.

When my wife and I were dating, my folks didn't particularly care for her. I was very worried because I am very close with my family. However, after about six months into the marriage, my folks feelings started to thaw. Today, she walks on water -- I think that Mom and Dad have changed their wills so that she inherits everything, with or without me around. [;)]

My wife's parents are divorced. Her father and I get along famously. I enjoy visiting and we try to get out to Wisconsin at least once a year to see him (plus he always takes me hunting).

Her mother is, quite frankly, nuttier than a fruitcake. When my wife and I first started dating, she was all for it (in fact, she set us up). She was gung-ho about the wedding, and about a year after the wedding, she started not liking me and started telling her opinions to my wife. She accused me of not wanting to help her out, of wanting to keep my wife and her apart, etc. Essentially, my wife told her that the only thing keeping the two of them apart was her constant about me.

I try to be nice to my MIL, but I'm always walking on eggshells. At least I know in advance that, no matter what I do, good or bad, she'll not have a good opinion of me. So, I try to take the Christian path of heaping coals of kindness upon thy enemy.

I cringe whenever my wife suggests that we have to spend time with my MIL, but I do it because I love my wife.

You can pick and choose your spouse. Understand that you have to deal with her family, too, if she has any sort of relationship with them.

Only the married couple was discussed with our Priest. No talk whatsoever about any family members.
Same with our pastor. However, the pre-marital counseling deals with the couple and how they will resolve conflict in the future. Real life dictates that you have to deal with your new family as well.

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select-fire

January 18, 2007 04:47

I dealt with the in laws from the get go. In their home before marriage I told them to stay out of our business. I didn't ask her Dad ( a retired Marine Sargeant ) for her hand. We were married in a Catholic Church with only 4 other people present. Neither sides parents were there.

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spanielsells

January 18, 2007 05:04

Wow. I did fly out to Wisconsin to ask her father's permission to marry her. His response was, "What the hell took you so long to ask?"

Our wedding was huge. We had family flying in from all over the US. We invited about 200 people and had about 140 attend.

We did, however, pay for the wedding ourselves, despite many offers from her father and mine to pay. Our reason? We wanted full control of everything, who was invited, who wasn't going to be invited, what would be done at the service, where it would be held, etc.

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select-fire

January 18, 2007 05:12

My Father in law was too cheap to pay for the wedding. They had stole my future wifes college money she had saved up. I paid for the wifes education. In laws just got done filing bankruptsy in 2006 and moved back to Cleveland. We thru our own wedding party weeks later and invited friends.

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abcguns2

January 18, 2007 05:24

What ??? what kind of nut case family are you planning on marrying into ??? marriage (pre) counseling is pure b.s. , why would you endure weeks of this crap of some-one telling you how you should treat your wife and then raise your family , if you are old enough to get married , you are set in your ways and values and how you deal with life issues as well as your morals ...I cannot find one good reason you should do this , only negitive ones ...One other thing to consider , if you allow your soon-to-be mother-in-law to dictate this then you are setting a presadence(?) on the situation and relationship of your future marriage , (i.e. if she gets away with forcing this crap on you now , what are you going to say when she pulls some other crap , on a daily basis,Oops,too late, You have already sent the signal that she can do nything she wishes !!!!)....
Good Luck !!! (sounds like your going to need it,& more)....
d.a.stearns
Gunsmith / LEO
Niota , Tn

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JamesRK

January 18, 2007 05:41

That's normal if you want to be married by a Baptist preacher. I doubt if all Baptist preachers require it, but a lot do. If you don't want to do it you'll probably have to find another preacher or a judge or justice of the peace. I doubt if your future mother-in-law was telling you what to do, she was just telling you what the rules are in that church with that preacher. If your future wife has known this preacher for ten years and wants him to do the ceremony, you might as well just do it.

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select-fire

January 18, 2007 05:45

Just make sure the Preacher doesn't make you watch episodes of Married With Children.[:o)][:o)]

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spanielsells

January 18, 2007 05:47

quote:Originally posted by abcguns2
What ??? what kind of nut case family are you planning on marrying into ??? marriage (pre) counseling is pure b.s. , why would you endure weeks of this crap of some-one telling you how you should treat your wife and then raise your family , if you are old enough to get married , you are set in your ways and values and how you deal with life issues as well as your morals ...I cannot find one good reason you should do this , only negitive ones ...One other thing to consider , if you allow your soon-to-be mother-in-law to dictate this then you are setting a presadence(?) on the situation and relationship of your future marriage , (i.e. if she gets away with forcing this crap on you now , what are you going to say when she pulls some other crap , on a daily basis,Oops,too late, You have already sent the signal that she can do nything she wishes !!!!)....
Good Luck !!! (sounds like your going to need it,& more)....
d.a.stearns
Gunsmith / LEO
Niota , Tn
What negatives do you see by spending a few sessions with someone who has years of family counseling experience? I certainly can't think of any. The absolute worst thing that could possibly happen is that the man and woman learn that they have different priorities and different expectations and figure out that they probably shouldn't be married after all (love cannot fix ALL things).

I welcome opportunties to learn, and with marriage, I'd rather learn in advance that someone wasn't right for me prior to getting married versus discovering afterwards that it was a bad idea.

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spanielsells

January 18, 2007 05:48

quote:Originally posted by select-fire
Just make sure the Preacher doesn't make you watch episodes of Married With Children.[:o)][:o)]
I heartedly recommend "Everybody Loves Raymond." You can learn a ton about marriage with that show.

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spanielsells

January 18, 2007 05:50

quote:Originally posted by select-fire
My Father in law was too cheap to pay for the wedding. They had stole my future wifes college money she had saved up. I paid for the wifes education. In laws just got done filing bankruptsy in 2006 and moved back to Cleveland. We thru our own wedding party weeks later and invited friends.
That was the case with my wife's first marriage. Her father basically drank away all the money that was saved for her education or marriage.

He's now been sober for a little over ten years. I think one of the reasons he wanted so badly to pay for the wedding this time around was that he couldn't the first time.

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gagirl

January 18, 2007 05:51

If you dont feel confortable with it then you will most likely have to find a different person to do the ceremony.

David and I are Baptist too. (I was raised Lutheran) Andy, our pastor, knew us well but still said we had to come see him a couple times before he would do the ceremony. I think 2-3 times really informal almost like talking to a close friend. Since Andy was a close friend that helped. As for what you will be going through with your pastor... He is the only one who knows at this point. Since every pastor is different none of us can tell you. I do think that a big part of it is to show if you are commited to go through with 12 weeks of talking then you really want to marry this woman.

Congrats on the engagement! I wish you many happy years.

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select-fire

January 18, 2007 05:59

quote:Originally posted by spanielsells
quote:Originally posted by select-fire
My Father in law was too cheap to pay for the wedding. They had stole my future wifes college money she had saved up. I paid for the wifes education. In laws just got done filing bankruptsy in 2006 and moved back to Cleveland. We thru our own wedding party weeks later and invited friends.
That was the case with my wife's first marriage. Her father basically drank away all the money that was saved for her education or marriage.

He's now been sober for a little over ten years. I think one of the reasons he wanted so badly to pay for the wedding this time around was that he couldn't the first time.

He didn't drink. You have seen people who like to put on heirs to impress others.. that they are better than everyone else. Inlaws fit that bill to the tee. He used her college money to pay taxes on their home. He even went as far as saying I wouldn't amount to a hill of beans before we got married.... BUT... the tally is in and of all the wifes 4 sisters and two brothers... The wife and I succeeded the most. [:D][;)]

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Slow_Hand

January 18, 2007 06:01

Another way to look at the twelve weeks is a that it will enable both of you to step back a ways from the giddiness, euphoria and exhuberance of the upcoming marriage and SPEAK with each other, LISTEN to each other and get some spiritual insight from this preacher. There's a whole lot to making a marriage work and it grows more difficult with each new generation. The three months will come and go whether you and your fiancee participate or not so why not put your best foot forward and give it a shot?

In any event, best wishes to you and your future bride!

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oldgunner

January 18, 2007 06:09

Counseling: Won't hurt, Might help by bringing up things you never thought of.

Taking MIL's advice: Questionable..Don't let it become a habit. She'll end up running your life.

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spanielsells

January 18, 2007 06:15

I'll also go on to say that planning your wedding will be one of the most stressful things you'll ever go through.

Whether you want to or not, likely your future bride will expect you to help plan. Rendering opinions such as, "I don't care," "Whatever you want is fine with me," or grunting will lead to at the very least hurt feelings. If you don't consider this the most important day of your life, at least recognize it is the most important day in hers.

As the time draws closer, you'll notice that things won't go exactly as anticipated, and the two of you will be left scrambling trying to fix the situation. If you dump it all in her lap, she will never let you forget it.

Pretend to be interested in the color of the bridesmaid dresses, flowers, themes, candles, etc. And, if you are going to be writing your own vows, don't do it on the way to the church on your wedding day.

And, I'll say it again. Watch reruns of "Everybody Loves Raymond." While it is a hilarious show, you can honestly take away valuable lessons in life HOW NOT TO act in a marriage or with your in-laws.

Finally, since I never said it, congratulations on your engagement. Communication is the key to happiness (which is essentially what you'll walk away with in premarital counseling) and a long marriage. Communication not only helps you through disagreements, but it also helps avoid affairs and "one thing lead to another" situations.

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COLT

January 18, 2007 06:19

...how old are ya'll?..as in "life experience"??
1) MIL is maybe butting in for a good reason, if ya'll are realitivly young.
2) MIL's intervention at this stage may also be a precurssor of things to come.
3) YOU have to decide, no one can decide for you, comfortable with the situation or not?
4) Hey, if your not concerned...go and day dream about something else when anything he says is boring.
5) OR, go and learn something...[;)]

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GUNFUNCO

January 18, 2007 06:46

A lot of you sound like us. My mom didn't like her and her dad wasn't too crazy about me (especially after I totalled a car with her in it and she suffered a couple broker ribs and a few stiches).

Now her folks think we did great. Two kids that get all A's & B's, are respectful, one an excellent athlete (5 min mile in 8th grade, now wrestling varsity in the 9th grade) the other a good athlete and a great performer (played Ralphie in the town play of Christmas Story, tap dances, and competes in lyp sync contests & took 2 third and a 4th place). My wife's sister is divorced, living with them, kid is into drugs/alcohol. We have a nice house, out in the country on 9 acres on a creek, I am retired at 46, wife has a few more years to go and she'll be able to retire also.

My dad died 22 years ago but my mom admittied to me that she didn't like my wife at first but know thinks she might have been too good for me. Man how a few years can change things.

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