Skip to main content
Help Center Community Shop

Joke

ljwrench
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
1

Comments

202 comments

Date Votes
  • ljwrench
    Salaam alaikum,

    Here's a good one. No offence to anyone, ok?

    A man dashes into the Pope's office, panting, gasping, and trying to speak all at once.

    "What's the matter?" the Pope asks, offering the man a seat.

    "Oh your Grace!" the man exclaims, flopping on the chair. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

    "Give me the good news," the Pope says.

    "Oh your Grace! JESUS is on the phone and he wants to speak to you!" the panting man exclaims.

    "Praise the Lord!" the jubilant Pope replies, "What could the bad news possibly be?"

    "Your Grace, he's calling from Mecca!" [:D][}:)]
    [:D]
    0
  • ljwrench
    A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
    'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
    The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens.
    Look what it has done to me
    Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
    The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
    The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.
    I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
    'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
    So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
    He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by.
    The Old Roster is squalking and running as hard as he can.
    The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
    - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit..... third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral of this story? Don't mess with the < B>THE OLDER GENERATION age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!
    0
  • ljwrench
    The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
    Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
    "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".
    0
  • ljwrench
    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

    That's when the proctologist fainted.


    Better to have and not need, than need and not have.
    0
  • ljwrench
    A priest offered a Nun a lift.


    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident.

    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'


    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

    The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
    arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
    0
  • ljwrench
    Man driving down road.
    Woman driving up same road.
    They pass each other.
    Woman yells out window, "PIG!"
    Man yells out window, "onager!"
    Man rounds next curve...
    Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

    If only men would listen.

    rcdis
    0
  • ljwrench
    A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
    "I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"
    0
  • ljwrench
    Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago Park when a crazed Rottweiler suddenly attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.

    A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

    "Young Cub Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Cubs fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writing again.

    "Sox Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "But I'm not a Sox fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we're in Chicago and you aren't a Cubs fan, I just assumed you had to be a Sox," says the reporter and starts writing again.

    "Bears Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

    "I'm a Colts fan," the boy replies. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

    "Little punk From Indiana Kills Beloved Family Pet!"
    0
  • ljwrench
    A huge billboard sign states -

    "Need Help, Call Jesus at 1-800-123-4567"

    Wondering who would answer, called 1-800-123-4567 and got an answering machine requesting address of where help was needed. The address was left on the answering machine.

    Then next day at 7AM, a mexican kid shows up with a lawnmower.
    [:D]
    0
  • ljwrench
    What do John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh have in common??????????
































    Their middle names man!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    0
  • ljwrench
    First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
    Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
    After casting about for a suitable pearl,
    He kept messing around and created a girl.

    Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
    Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
    Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
    An! d round ed and firm to bring out the fire.
    Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
    Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
    Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
    And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
    Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
    And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
    'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.



    Then he added a mouth.

    Ruined the whole blessed thing.
    0
  • ljwrench
    An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard . She slipped and fell.

    Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "

    The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''No way, I fell on my but ... not on my head......
    0
  • ljwrench
    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur????
    0
  • ljwrench
    A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing theTexas plains without water.


    His horse has already died of thirst.

    He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
    breathed his last breath,

    when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
    of the sand several yards ahead of him.

    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and
    discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

    He opens it and out pops a genie.

    But this is no ordinary genie.

    She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
    Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

    There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
    pencil tucked behind one ear.

    'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I
    work....You have three wishes.

    'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy...'I'm
    not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

    'What do you have to lose? You've got no
    transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

    The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides
    that the genie is right.

    'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
    food and drink.'

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
    he has ever seen
    and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters o
    f delicacies.

    'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

    'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
    dreams.'

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure
    chests filled with
    rare gold coins and precious gems.

    'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
    make it a good one!'

    After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says....
    'I wish that no
    matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
    me.'

    ***POOF***

    He was turned into a tampon.

    Moral of the story:

    If the government offers to help you, there's going
    to be a string attached.
    0
  • ljwrench
    Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.*

    CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?*

    Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!*
    0
  • ljwrench
    Kermit the frog found out he had Swine Flu.. The last thing he said was "That pig said she was clean!"
    0
  • ljwrench
    One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

    It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been

    staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,

    "Good morning Alex."

    "Good morning sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.

    The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

    Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

    Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
    _________________
    0
  • ljwrench
    my 9 YO told me this last night:

    a black kid and his sister dressed as George and Martha Washington for Halloween. Went to the old lady's house and said "trick or treat". Old lady tells them they can't be George and Martha 'cause they are black.

    the go home and change to go as Abe and his wife. Old lady tells them the lincolns weren't black.

    the black kids go home, strip nekkid, and go to the old lady's house. When she recovers from the shock she asks who they are.

    The black boy says "we are Hershy bars, one with nuts, one without".
    0
  • ljwrench
    A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father
    said,
    >"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A short time
    >later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his
    son.
    >"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son
    >answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
    I was
    >quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when
    the
    >skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath
    when
    >the
    >wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
    or
    >scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two
    chipmunks
    >crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take
    them
    >with
    >us? Well, I guess I just panicked!"
    0
  • ljwrench
    A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued...Again,"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus!!
    0
  • ljwrench
    A Country boy from Kentucky walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

    The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

    The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The
    loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

    Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

    An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

    Two weeks later, the Countryboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

    The Kentucky Countryboy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
    0
  • ljwrench
    Three men were playing a round of golf one day when the topic of their sons came up. One of the men said, "My son lives in South Florida and is in real estate. He is doing great. In fact, he is doing so well that he recently bought a house for one of his friends. I couldn't be more proud of him." The second man said, "My son is also living in South Florida and doing well. He is an investment banker and recently bought a friend of his a BMW. He is all I ever wanted him to turn out to be."

    The third man didn't say anything. The first man asked about his son. He replied, "Well, I don't know if you are aware of it or not, but my son is gay. But I guess he is happy. He has met some great friends at some clubs. In fact, one of his friends has recently given him a home to live in and another friend has purchased him a BMW."
    0
  • ljwrench
    Why do men have 2 heads and a women has 4 lips because men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
    0
  • ljwrench
    xDOxAjM.jpg
    0
  • ljwrench
    Lets start Sat with a joke.
    What is a yankee!
    Te same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.

    Why is divorce so expensive!
    Because its worth it.

    Why is air a lot like sex!
    Because its no big deal unless you re not getting any,

    Those who live by the sword will be killed by those who dont. Glyn
    0
  • ljwrench
    This is for the GD forum

    7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.

    7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.

    7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship.
    Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

    8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    8:05 P.M . Ceremonial tree hugging.

    8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.

    8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.

    9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French
    President Jacques Chirac.

    9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.

    9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo
    Bay with Sean Penn.

    9:40 P.M. Why I hate the military, a short talk by William Jefferson
    Clinton.

    9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented
    by Michael Moore.

    9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World
    Trade Center Towers -- Howard Dean.

    10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.

    11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.

    11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry.

    11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

    12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home!




    ???? Oh also why was this post deleted?
    0
  • ljwrench
    One day a woman was out selling air freshener. She walks around the city lookin for office buildings and she finds one that is about 100 stories tall. She went in and got on the elevator, she decided to go up to the top floor. When the door closed the elevator took off and gave her a good jolt, she suddenly farted. Embarrassed by her loss of control she decided to cover the horrible smell with her air freshner products. She dug around in her bag and chose to use a pine fresh scent, so she sprays the inside of elevator while she is going up. Somewhere around the 30th floor the elevator stops and an elderly man gets on . She being unsure of air freshner success decides to have a chat with the man. She asks him if he noticed the fresh smell in the elevator when he got on. The man stood straight up, took in a deep breath, thought for a minute or two and tells her " Mam, it smells like someone fooey a pine tree"!

    "Keep turnin to the RIGHT"
    0
  • ljwrench
    A man was sitting out on the porch of his rural home enjoying a cup of coffee. He spotted a chicken out in the road. It was weird since no one within miles raised chickens.

    The man went out to the road and scooped the chicken up, took her to his pole barn and fixed up a nice roost for her. Then he drove into town and bought a bag of chicken feed and thought about the good eggs he would be getting.

    The next morning took his coffee to the pole barn and reached under the chicken and was surprised to find a shiny new penny and left some feed for the chicken. Well the next morning he reached under the chicken and found a shiny new nickel. Most unusual he thought and left some feed out for the chicken. On the third day he found a dime. By now he had become attached to this chicken, wanted an occasional egg, and concerned the chicken must be sick.

    The man found an old cage, put the chicken in and drove to town to see the vet.

    After hearing the man's story, the vet examined the chicken and ran a test. He pronounced the chicken was normal.

    The man said how could that be?

    The vet repeated that the chicken was fine and


    wait



    wait



    wait


    here it is





    the chicken was going through the change. [:0][:o)]
    0
  • ljwrench
    Subject: The Phone Call


    The phone call

    ((( ring )))


    ((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))


    ***pick up***


    "Hello?"


    "Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"


    "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"


    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
    honey!


    "Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"


    "Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
    upstairs and knock on the bedroom
    door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled
    up outside the house."


    "Okay, Daddy!"


    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
    did what you said, Daddy."


    "And what happened?" he asks.


    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
    ran around screaming, then she
    tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's
    all dead."


    "Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"


    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
    he jumped out the back window
    into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you
    took out all the water to clean it, so
    he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."


    ***long pause***


    ***more pause****


    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"


    "Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
    Benjamin Franklin, 1785
    123div.gif
    0
  • ljwrench
    A man stumbles up to the other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "you don't say, I'm from Ireland too! let's have another round for Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "what school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says, "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65." About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "the O"Malley twins are drunk again"
    0

Please sign in to leave a comment.

Recent Activity