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Joke

ljwrench
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
1

Comments

202 comments

Date Votes
  • ljwrench
    A Good Catholic Joke

    The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

    The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

    Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

    So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

    AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
    0
  • ljwrench
    A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
    He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
    dollars? "Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.
    He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
    she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he
    asks
    again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs

    again around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite
    your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"
    She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "OK,
    just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
    So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal
    the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps
    on
    them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his
    face
    in them,....but not biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and
    asks: "Are you gonna bite
    them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."

    Larry
    0
  • ljwrench
    Subject: Good Joke! :) HAAHAA!

    Barack Obama was seated next to a little girl on an airplane trip back to Washington. He turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to Obama, "What would you like to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the Obama. "How about What Changes I Should Make To America?" and he smiles.
    "OK," she says. "That could be an interesting topic.



    But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
    Obama, visibly surprised by the little girl's int elligence, thinks about it for a second and finally says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know poop?"
    0
  • ljwrench
    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
    > >Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
    > >the
    > >table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
    > >playing standing up.
    > >
    > >Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
    tell
    > >Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
    > >
    > >They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
    be
    > >discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
    > >
    > >"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
    > >is
    > >me middle name. Leave it to me."
    > >
    > >Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
    Murphy
    > >answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just
    lost
    > >$500 and is afraid to come home."
    > >
    > >"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
    > >
    > >"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher

    [:D]
    Ben
    0
  • ljwrench
    Yummy Fingers!
    As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
    Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
    When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
    I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
    "Mommy, where's my booger[:0][:0]
    0
  • ljwrench
    Now here is one that we all need to remember!



    A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services,

    when she was startled by an intruder.

    She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

    (Repent and be Baptized,

    in the name of Jesus Christ,

    so that your sins may be forgiven.)

    The burglar stopped in his tracks.

    The woman calmly called the police

    and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to

    take him in, he asked the burglar:

    'Why did you just stand there?

    All the old lady did was yell a

    scripture to you.'

    'Scripture?' replied the burglar.

    'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

    Send this to someone who needs

    a laugh today and remember:

    Knowing Scripture can save your

    life in more ways than one!
    0
  • ljwrench
    Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

    The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

    The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

    The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an 600SL with a chauffeur."

    The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
    It took 20 rabbis 12 years to teach him.
    I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it.
    Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

    Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

    "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."

    "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."

    "Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."

    "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."
    0
  • ljwrench
    Sheriff in one of the parishes in Louisiana got wind there was some chicken fighting going on. He called in his best detective and told him to investigate and see who was in on it.

    Monday the detective reported back and told the sheriff he'd gotten in, saw the action and knew all of the folks involved. Informed the sheriff that the Aggies from A & M were there. When asked he said they had brought a duck to a chicken fight, Sheriff allowed that it sounded like something the Aggies would do. Who else? Well the Cajuns were involved also. How you know this? Well they was betting on the duck. Sheriff though that sounded like something they would do. Who else? Well the Mafia. Mafia? Why you think that? Well the duck won.[:D][:D][:D][:D]
    0
  • ljwrench
    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
    so he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.

    'Fred what?' the officer asks.

    'Just Fred,' the man responds.

    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
    I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

    The officer walked away in tears, laughing
    0
  • ljwrench
    I hope this Doesn't offend anyone. No pun Inteded

    REDNECK LENT

    Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up hisoutdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors wereCatholic..And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat onFriday.The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causingsuch aproblem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

    The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.


    'Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yardclutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched inamazement.

    There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holywater which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: Youwuzborn a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.






    AMEN
    0
  • ljwrench
    fQUP5SL.jpg
    0
  • ljwrench
    Three Southern boys and three Northerners were traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southern boys buy just one ticket.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Northerners. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train and the three Northerners take their respective seats but all three Southern boys cram into a toilet together and close the door. Soon after, the train departs and the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a bit and a single arm emerges with the one ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Northerners see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southern boys don't buy any ticket at all.

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Northerner. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South. When they board the train, the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southern boys cram into another just down the aisle. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southern boys leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Northerners are hiding. The Southern boy knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please".
    0
  • ljwrench
    A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ...the United States Marines .you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

    I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that bababooey. He was in the Air Force.
    0
  • ljwrench
    John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

    "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

    "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

    "But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

    With his last breath John said, "I do!"
    0
  • ljwrench
    An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
    Dear Bubba:
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
    Love, Dad
    A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
    Dear Dad:
    For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
    Love, Bubba
    At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
    That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
    Dear Dad:
    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love, Bubba
    0
  • ljwrench
    Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "168."

    The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.


    The guy leaves, but he is curious.

    So he goes back into the bar.

    The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini."

    Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,

    "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "100."

    The robot then starts to talk about Hollywood, communists, vodka, and kwanzaa.


    The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,

    so he thinks he will try it one more time.

    He goes back into the bar.

    The robot says, "What will you have?"

    The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

    The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

    The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

    The robot leans in real close and says,

    Well, not everyone can be from Chicago, an ACORN member, and happy with OBama!
    0
  • ljwrench
    Queen Elizabeth
    and


    Dolly Parton

    die on the same day and they both go
    before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.



    Unfortunately,

    there's only one space left that day,

    so the Angel must decide which of them
    gets in.

    The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
    should go to Heaven.

    Dolly takes off her top and says,

    "Look at these,

    they're the most
    perfect breasts

    God ever created,

    and I'm sure it will please God to
    be able to see them every day,

    for eternity."

    The Angel thanks Dolly,

    and asks

    Her Majesty the same question.

    The
    Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,



    shakes it up, and gargles.

    Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.



    The Angel
    says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

    Dolly is outraged and asks,

    "What was that all about?

    I show you two
    of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

    She spits into a
    commode and she gets in!

    Would you explain that to me?"

    "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,

    "but even in Heaven,



    a royal flush


    beats a pair -


    no matter how big they are.
    0
  • ljwrench
    It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
    admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to
    have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect
    at noon the next day.

    So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
    Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I
    let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

    'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch
    hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
    immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as
    I searched the entire apartment.

    Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony an d
    noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
    of that guy!

    Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
    ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
    his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

    In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
    on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
    refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over
    the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
    The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died
    almost instantly.'

    The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day
    It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the
    Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.

    A few seconds later Donald Trump a r rived at the gates..

    'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like
    when you died.'

    Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the
    balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
    lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got
    a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!

    Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
    But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
    cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and
    bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

    As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
    pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It
    falls the 25 floors and lands on top of m e, killing me instantly.'

    The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could
    get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel
    announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.

    A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too
    shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's
    head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day
    you died.'

    Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......'
    0
  • phillip
    ROTFLMAO[:D][:D][^][^][8D]
    0
  • LOKO383
    [:D][:D][:o)][:o)][:0]
    0
  • TooBig
    when you got to go you have to go[:D][:D][}:)]
    0
  • JWolf
    LOL wasnt expecting that
    0

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