Funny
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We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, Smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.0 -
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From another freind on Facebook. 0 -
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!0 -
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister and was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!0 -
My Black male Lab tried eating a toad tonight. He came to the back door acting like a wild horse. I let him into the house, but noticed the toad sitting on the patio.My Lab was foaming at the mouth like a dropped beer.[:D]I bet he remembers not to mess with toads. 0 -
From an auction:
Information added 11/11/2013 3:31:43 PM]
I now accept Pay Pal + 3.5 % for payment.
[Information added 6/14/2014 10:06:03 AM]
As of NOW, I no longer accept Pay Pal as they are SCUMBAGS.
I guess paypal schooled him.0 -
Its business time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU&feature=related0 -
WHY
MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men
Are Just Happier People--
Your
last name stays put.
The
garage is all yours.
Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack.
You
can never be pregnant.
Car
mechanics tell you the truth.
The
world is your urinal.
You
never have to drive to another petrol station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt.
Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles
add character.
People
never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New
shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One
mood all the time.
Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You
know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation
requires only one suitcase.
You
can open all your own jars.
You
get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
Your
underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of
shoes are more than enough. You never have strap
problems in public.
You
are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything
on your face stays its original colour.
The
same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You
only have to shave your face and neck if at all.
You
can play with toys all your life.
One
wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all
seasons.
You
can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You
can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. (personal favorite)
You
have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You
can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December
24 in 25 minutes.
No
wonder men are happier.
Send
this to the women who can handle it
and
to the men who will enjoy reading it0 -
Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank y...ou very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"0 -
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over a tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from another, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'
'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor....?'
Semper Fi!0 -
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it hasa penis...AND a brain?"
when all else fails........................0 -
A father was walking past his five yr old daughter who was home sick from school and thought it would be funny to play the old "daddy's gonna eat your fingers bit with her. He took her hand and inserted it into his mouth. His daughter giggled histerically and the father was elated to hear his child laugh so enthusiastically. As the father began to walk away the little girl asked,
"Daddy, wheres my booger"?
When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....0 -
I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.
I took numerous vacations and had vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.
I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to ensure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go.
Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein0 -
Have You seen this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jBqgjBVAhA&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Lee0 -
Washington Times 5/6/04
Reaching people
Actress Drew Barrymore is filming a documentary aimed at persuading young people to vote. She recently happened upon members of the D.C. chapter of FreeRepublic.com, the conservative grass-roots network, as they conducted a Washington protest.
"Can I ask you guys a question?" Miss Barrymore said. "You come out and you protest. Do you feel that it makes a difference? Do you feel that you reach people?"
Group leader Kristinn Taylor answered: "We used to do this down at the White House every Saturday for a couple years when Bill Clinton was there. It goes like this" - and here Mr. Taylor turned to his fellow Freepers, to have them join in the chant. "You guys ready? One, two, three: 'Bill Clinton, we have you surrounded! Drop the cigar, step away from the intern, and come out with your pants up.' "
"Wow," said the actress.
"The first time we did that," Mr. Taylor said, "the Secret Service officer who was working the gate started laughing so hard he doubled over and walked behind the guard shack to compose himself."0 -
I'll bet many of you have already seen this, but I think it's worth revisiting:
http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/0 -
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The pharmacist found a customer leaning against a wall inside his shop. He asks his newly-hired clerk why the man is leaning against the wall. Clerk: He wanted some cough medicine but since I couldn't find any, I gave him laxatives instead. Pharmacist: Laxatives don't help against coughs! Sure it does see he wont dare to cough! [:0] 0 -
quote:I would challenge you to try to find a post where I blatantly call anyone a name. I know you are just using me as an example, but I don't think you could find one
that is funny0 -
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http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/~jon/humor/web_animations/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
[}:)] [:D] [:)] [:p] [^]
ATF0 -
A sweet old lady is asked to say Grace at a gathering of her seniors home and she brought down the houseconds into her prayer. Enjoy!
http://stg.do/9i0c0 -
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