Ungreatful kids.....is there a TRUE cure?
My oldest seems to be my very own albetros these days. If I am not dealing with major issues its just plain misery. Lately I have let it get to me more and more that she is so ungreatful and uncarring when it concerns me. I know she is the same to others (besides her friends) but I seem to get the worst of it.
She does things like BARELY completes the simple tasks I ask while asking to go and do all sorts of things. She is miserable to be around....and I have just about decided she is doing this on PURPOSE so we will let her go away from us to be shut in her room or away at friends. She won't help me with anything that would show that she thinks of me as a real person. For example....I wanted her to help me do something with my hair tonite and you would have thought I had asked her to gut fish with her lips!!!
I feel like I am always complaining about her. She is just starting these "harder years." I just don't think I can take three years or more of this mess.
She does things like BARELY completes the simple tasks I ask while asking to go and do all sorts of things. She is miserable to be around....and I have just about decided she is doing this on PURPOSE so we will let her go away from us to be shut in her room or away at friends. She won't help me with anything that would show that she thinks of me as a real person. For example....I wanted her to help me do something with my hair tonite and you would have thought I had asked her to gut fish with her lips!!!
I feel like I am always complaining about her. She is just starting these "harder years." I just don't think I can take three years or more of this mess.
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The best thing for an ungreatful child???
Time, give her 10 to 15 years and you'll be best friends,
well, that or boarding school0 -
LF,
I feel for you. Do you really want a solution, or do you just want to vent?0 -
Put her in her room, no phone, computer, tv, give her a good classic book, and tell her to read it, don't let her have any "privileges" until she is done with the book, and can act civil to all.
My oldest son tried to give me poop like that (@ 17 or so), his room was in the basement, the power feeding his room was in the un finished side of the basement. I shut off all his electricty for a couple weeks, gave him a whole new outlook on life[;)].0 -
my sister asked the same question... so I'll tell you the same thing I told her...
ain't nothing some rope and thumb screws won't take care of.0 -
Terminate. 0 -
Is this the same innocent young girl that was caught in that "phone situation" with one of your hired hands[?]
Sounds like you have a fireball on your hands, I've got nothing to say except.... Best of luck![:)]0 -
quote:Originally posted by freemind
LF,
I feel for you. Do you really want a solution, or do you just want to vent?
+1. Venting is good.
I can't speak for my own behavior, but I know that my sister was a major battle for my parents and now they're tight as tight can be with her.
Teens just do that stuff. Give it time.0 -
Had 3 kids, all on their own now. I had a rule that was never broken. I will tell you twice but the 3rd time all hell automatically broke loose. Hardly ever had to go to the 3rd step. Never bluffed on this. Their Mother tried to use my rule on the kids but she would not follow through on the 3rd step and she was not effective. It always worked for me. Never ever bluff. 0 -
TIME!
I have boys 38 & 40. They still require some coaching. The closest girl I'll ever have to a daughter (25) is starting college for the 3'rd time in NE with my help.
Not to paraphrase the Stones from '64 but Time Isn't On My Side!0 -
I must admit I am bad to just go the easy route and get her out of my hair with a proper amount of scolding for whatever has come about. My thing lately is the pure disrespect and unkind nature she has toward me. We had to get her underwear about a week ago and I couldn't get her to even walk into a store that I wanted to go in. She actually yelled for me to "COME ON!!!!" From the escalators as I pulled on the door to the store....and when it was locked she actually giggled. I just wanted to slap her right there in the mall. I just walked passed her straight to my car and didn't say another word to her that nite. She kept asking....."what?" Like the rude little snotty act she pulled was just normal behavior.
Is it me.....I knew these years were coming, but had no idea I would be so close to losing my molars from all the gritting of my teeth. What is the limit? I know I want her to have better friends....stay away from drugs.....learn to take care of herself. But do I dare to ask to be treated like an actual PERSON in the middle of this.0 -
My oldest daughter (34) has a shirt that says "Be kind to your kids. They will pick your nursing home." 0 -
If all you want to do is vent, then heck have at it.
If your really intrested in fixing the situation then write a contract.
Do you want to know how?0 -
A contract will make her nice and behave.....this must have some MAJOR pay offs if she holds up her end. 0 -
And she will go and get PG from a very dark minority groupe and now then what?? How you gonna like to have a grand kid who can just barely speeka da english?? Tom
PS when you think they can get to the lowest, they can always go you one better. T0 -
Don't say that....we've already gone lower than I ever thought we would. 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Locust Fork
A contract will make her nice and behave.....this must have some MAJOR pay offs if she holds up her end.
I don't think contracts are worth a damn. She won't honor them and you can't make the penalty severe enough for her to care (severe enough for her to hate you, but not to care).
I really believe that all you can do is to have each battle, each day and wait five years.0 -
quote:Originally posted by tccox
And she will go and get PG from a very dark minority groupe and now then what?? How you gonna like to have a grand kid who can just barely speeka da english?? Tom
PS when you think they can get to the lowest, they can always go you one better. T
Not if you really fight with them. Then they know you're engaged, and that's what they need.
I give that information up from my own experience as a teen, not from any experience as a parent.0 -
My outlook is being more hard headed and stubborn then my kids. For instance they gave their mother a hard time yesterday morning getting ready for school.
So this morning I stayed up until 6 AM (I usually go to be at 3 AM) and "helped" get them ready. I was like a drill sergaent from the time I walked in to wake them up to the time they hit the door for the school bus. MOVE MOVE YOU'RE NOT MOVING FAST ENOUGH. I let them know everytime their mother has a hard time getting them ready I'll be getting them ready the next day. From past experiences they know I will. I'm paying for it now, but I won't let them know that. [;)]
I know this isn't PC, probally not even PC enough for this forum, but I always learned who was in charge with a good hard backhand to my face. Helped me remember my place at times.0 -
Actually the pay-off is the respect she will get from you by giving you respect.
Write her a letter telling her what you have told us. explain to her how the disrespect she shows makes you feal.
after she has read the letter sit down at the table and let her know that your not going to treat her like a baby anymore, explain her jobs to her (I assume she has chores) let her know that your not going to nag her about them anymore, if she dosen't do a chore there is a repercussion. (No going to a friends house) If for instance she is supposed to clean her room if she dosen't just close the door don't clean up after her. dont scream at her. if she missbehaves there is a punishment negotiate this with her make her know that your the boss. if she screams at you walk away from her. don't give in.
You have allowed yourself to become subserviant to her. You have got to take back control.0 -
LF, I know it's probably no comfort, but my youngest daughter gave me all sorts of fits when she was 14 - 18 years old. I managed to survive it, and so did she. She is now 36, has 3 kids, a wonderful mother and a great lady. It's just going to take some tine. HANG IN THERE!!! 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Kodiakk
My outlook is being more hard headed and stubborn then my kids. For instance they gave their mother a hard time yesterday morning getting ready for school.
So this morning I stayed up until 6 AM (I usually go to be at 3 AM) and "helped" get them ready. I was like a drill sergaent from the time I walked in to wake them up to the time they hit the door for the school bus. MOVE MOVE YOU'RE NOT MOVING FAST ENOUGH. I let them know everytime their mother has a hard time getting them ready I'll be getting them ready the next day. From past experiences they know I will. I'm paying for it now, but I won't let them know that. [;)]
I know this isn't PC, probally not even PC enough for this forum, but I always learned who was in charge with a good hard backhand to my face. Helped me remember my place at times.
I attended boarding school and was roused that way pretty much every day. Except that they didn't really have to yell at us because it was that way, every day (some of the faculty liked to yell, anyway). And if we screwed up we were hit....never on the face, but across the buttocks or backs of thighs (I'll take the buttocks any time) with hand or ruler or cane.
I'm not sure that's necessary to raise a good kid, but I don't think it hurt me any, either.0 -
quote:Originally posted by Locust Fork
Ungreatful kids.....is there a TRUE cure?
I haven't found one yet.[V]0 -
daveald.....I like your approach!!! She might listen to this type of reasoning (at least for a day or two.)
I'm so tired...my other two just BEG for me to let her stay in her room because they know if she comes in the room chances are that things will go downhill. If she is nice to 99% of the population and does a few chores....is that enough to deserve to run around with her friends one nite? If I leave things up to her dad he usually lets her have her way. She does the minimal required tasks for him and he isn't around her at all....so her attitude isn't a problem at all for him. Since he works nites he isn't here until everyone is asleep....she could be fully tatooed and he wouldn't know it right now. If I keep this up my hair will be white like snow before I'm even 40.0 -
The wife and I raised 4 boys and I remember those days. I'm so glad that they are over with. Even though you never quit worrying about them.
The only thing I can say is to just go mental on her and beat her with a belt, and hard. Show no mercy, so that she'll remember. Then all you'll have to do is give her that look and act as if you are going for the belt. She'll straighten up, or be bruised.
If all fails, you'll just have to put her down. Sorry.0 -
quote:Originally posted by spurgemastur
quote:Originally posted by Kodiakk
My outlook is being more hard headed and stubborn then my kids. For instance they gave their mother a hard time yesterday morning getting ready for school.
So this morning I stayed up until 6 AM (I usually go to be at 3 AM) and "helped" get them ready. I was like a drill sergaent from the time I walked in to wake them up to the time they hit the door for the school bus. MOVE MOVE YOU'RE NOT MOVING FAST ENOUGH. I let them know everytime their mother has a hard time getting them ready I'll be getting them ready the next day. From past experiences they know I will. I'm paying for it now, but I won't let them know that. [;)]
I know this isn't PC, probally not even PC enough for this forum, but I always learned who was in charge with a good hard backhand to my face. Helped me remember my place at times.
I attended boarding school and was roused that way pretty much every day. Except that they didn't really have to yell at us because it was that way, every day (some of the faculty liked to yell, anyway). And if we screwed up we were hit....never on the face, but across the buttocks or backs of thighs (I'll take the buttocks any time) with hand or ruler or cane.
I'm not sure that's necessary to raise a good kid, but I don't think it hurt me any, either.
Well the way I look at it unlike your boarding school they have the power to change the situation. I remind them throughout the entire morning all they had to do was help their mother and move their butts instead of sitting in the bath staring at the wall.
This approach has worked well so far. My youngest got bad spelling test grades several times so I let her know if she brought home another she would get a bit of reality. She did so I exposed her to some physical labor. I let her know numerous times through this labor that if she continued to get bad grades this was the kind of work she will likely have to do for little pay. Her spelling tests are now A's because she knows I'll be more then willing to expose her to some more labor.
Hey if they don't like it they can change it. [:)]0 -
Good idea...labor isn't a bad thing to force on a 16 yr old every once in a while. 0 -
Locust I'm not saying that it will be easy it won't. but if you and she can come up with a set of rules to live by it gets easier, If she understands that to get what she wants, she has to do certain things then it may be a start. I'm not sure why you don't want her shut up in her room, that seems like a power things, ask yourself is this important if its not then who cares.
I assume your her ride where ever she goes or does she have access to another ride, how old is she.0 -
She is 16....and a handfull. She is VERY pretty and part of our problem has been low self esteem, her choice of friends, depression, grades, and a few things I won't go into. I think her participating with the rest of the family will help with a few of the issues we have been dealing with. She should be driving already....but with all the mess going on I haven't been in any hurry to get her on the road. I keep thinking that it may have been a wrong decision to delay her mobility. If she could drive her car I think the options would be there for her to earn better things....or at least get out with better people. 16 yr old girls are impossible to understand. I can't believe I was one at any time when I deal with her. 0 -
If she's that difficult then maybe her having a licence is not a good idea right now,but I sure see the first bargaining chip for you, and if you start to teach her to drive that will give you two time alone, which is probably one of the things shes looking for.
I think every kid acts depressed but if shes not hurting herself(cuttin, drugs and such) i wouldn't give it to much weight.
But the driving part could be part of the contract (LONG TERM) much changing for that privledge.
Start out slow do the letter, make it real,explain yourself. I'd be willing to bet that your going to be surprised by her reaction.
here are a couple of sites that hopefully can explain a little better then I. Please keep me informed of your progress
http://www.theparentreport.com/resources/ages/teen/behavior/220.html
http://ezinearticles.com/?Effective-Troubled-Teen-Programs&id=62730
there are many books that you can get from the library that can help you if these dont work for you.0 -
Punch her in the back of the head, everytime she needsa it.
Give her NOTHING.
Doug0
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