Jokes you can tell in church!
JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She gotup, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray: "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!!"
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She gotup, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray: "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
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A man was having a conversation with God. He had many questions for him, and began "God, how much is a billion dollars to you?" God responded that a billion dollars was absolutely nothing to him, as he had no use for money. A billion dollars was worth less than a penny.
The man continued, "Lord, how long is a thousand years to you?" God responded that a thousand years was next to nothing for him, because he was infinite. 1000 years was less than even a second.
The man sat, pondering for a while, and then asked, "Lord can I have a penny?" God responded, "In a second."
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This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more churches there than casinos.
??? Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
??? Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
??? The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
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This is done by the chip monks.0 -
quote:Originally posted by andersk
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more churches there than casinos.
??? Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
??? Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
??? The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
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This is done by the chip monks.
Sitting here at my desk. You caught me offguard, and I laughed out loud.0
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