Tools: Their REAL uses ...
"It appears that we are raising a whole generation of young people that are not familiar with tools and their proper uses. This is a guide that will help you inform them and make them much wiser.
[:D]
Tools and their real uses;
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hardened guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeow"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age "Classic" versions were of cast polished aluminum, an excellent conductor of electricity . . . don't cha know.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short; cut thru the valuable underlayment, saw horses, power cords, etc.
PLANER: A whirring wood smoothing tool used to find embedded staples so it may also groove the wood.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.
VICE GRIPS: "Real" pliers, used to hold the nut when the bolt is 5' away, also useful for crimping, battery / welding / glue clamp, . . .
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ? socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
RIP FENCE: Used with the table saw to taper straight cuts or prepare wood projectiles for launching.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. (Premium 2 x 4) Milled from a tree guaranteed to be less than 4" so it measures under 3.5" x 1.5" with a 37.5 degree twist, 14 degree warp, 3 sap pockets, and at least one knot traversing 87.315 % of the aforementioned dimensions.
NAIL GUN: Semi-automatic pneumatic device for punching thru plumbing, wiring, and sending knots 100's of feet (or into your leg).
TWEEZERS: A tool for attempted removal of wood splinters and wire wheel wires; often used as a ram rod to insert them more firmly.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
JIGSAW: A tool specifically intended to cut fine artistic pictures into hundreds if not thousands of stupid useless parts so that at least one may be lost.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT. The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
[:D]
Tools and their real uses;
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hardened guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeow"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age "Classic" versions were of cast polished aluminum, an excellent conductor of electricity . . . don't cha know.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short; cut thru the valuable underlayment, saw horses, power cords, etc.
PLANER: A whirring wood smoothing tool used to find embedded staples so it may also groove the wood.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.
VICE GRIPS: "Real" pliers, used to hold the nut when the bolt is 5' away, also useful for crimping, battery / welding / glue clamp, . . .
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ? socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
RIP FENCE: Used with the table saw to taper straight cuts or prepare wood projectiles for launching.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. (Premium 2 x 4) Milled from a tree guaranteed to be less than 4" so it measures under 3.5" x 1.5" with a 37.5 degree twist, 14 degree warp, 3 sap pockets, and at least one knot traversing 87.315 % of the aforementioned dimensions.
NAIL GUN: Semi-automatic pneumatic device for punching thru plumbing, wiring, and sending knots 100's of feet (or into your leg).
TWEEZERS: A tool for attempted removal of wood splinters and wire wheel wires; often used as a ram rod to insert them more firmly.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
JIGSAW: A tool specifically intended to cut fine artistic pictures into hundreds if not thousands of stupid useless parts so that at least one may be lost.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT. The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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[:D][:D] 0 -
I have used all of the above exactly as mentioned.....many times. [}:)][;)]
rider0 -
Thank you....now I know 0 -
Your forgot a couple:
Adjustable wrench. Also known as a Chinese socket set, Mexican speed wrench and a couple more not fit to be listed here. Used to round off bolt heads and nuts. Alternately can be used as a hammer. One of the most useful tools of all times. Very useful to really tear the hide off your knuckles. Also a tool favored by women.
Air chisel. Most useful tool to quickly destroy about anything you use it on.
Pipe wrench. Very useful to remove nuts and bolts of any size. If you can't get enough leverage, handle is propely sized to put on a piece of pipe for sufficient leverage. Also can be used as a substitute for a hammer.
Cordless drill. Holder of dead batteries. Poor subsitute for a hammer.
Cotter pin puller. Most useful tool for a wide range of uses except for removing cotter pins. Poor hammer subtitute.
Ractchet. Commonly used as a most excellent substitue for a hammer. Comes in a variety of sizes and lenghts. Works very well to remove skin from your knuckles. Longer ones make good pry bars.
Side grinder. A most useful tool. Can be used to make about anything fit anything, else reduce it to dust. Poor hammer subtitute. Good for drawing blood and removing a lot of skin in short order.
Combination wrenches. Never seen in the hands of females. Work fairly well in loosening or tightening of bolts and nuts, if you happen to locate the right sized one. Work well in knuckle bruising, larger sized ones can be used as a hammer substitute.
Bolt cutter. A tool missnamed. Usually refered to as a master key, will open most padlocks, once.
Vice. Place to set your beer on or near.0 -
As I read I realized I've done most of those things. Except sending the knots hundreds of feet with a nailgun. Spring is the earliest I can attempt that one! [;)][B)] 0 -
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hardened guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeow"
you forgot also used to throw caliper bolts at high rates of speed into your chest thus knocking you on the floor or even hitting you in the head knocking you completely unconscience also noted how this only happens right after someone says hold onto that like perhaps wife mother or grandmother in my case.0 -
4" grinder: Grinds/cleans metal surfaces. Also used to ignite #0000 steel wool at long ranges (Did that twice this week)
Hossfeld Bender: (Manual) A very cool but old style bending tool that will land you on your ass if you work/bend something to big.
Anvil: Used for hammer forming and shaping hot parts. "The horn" also sits at a perfect hight to test the family jewels when the the lights are out.[;)]0 -
[:D][:D][:D][:D] 0 -
Love the tool definitions, i'm laughing so hard that I have tears!
Good one!0 -
hey zipper that was a good one, i enjoyed it 0 -
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
Isn't that the truth. I came home from work yesterday, Tori was putting something together.
8 of the 10 screws were stripped out, then she found out it was put together wrong.
So I got out the Vice Grips.....0 -
quote:jwb267:
hey zipper that was a good one, i enjoyed it
Thanks - due to a lack of free time, I'm stockpiling a backlog here -
have to become a little selective[8D]0 -
You forgot to mention that in a pinch... a .45 makes 1/2 inch holes and a .38 makes 3/8 inch holes [:0]. Especially when using wadcutters. I actually know someone that did this to his cabin. Having someone looking outside of course to make sure nobody walked into the Danger Zone!! [:0][:D] 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Daddie_Tom
You forgot to mention that in a pinch... a .45 makes 1/2 inch holes and a .38 makes 3/8 inch holes [:0]. Especially when using wadcutters. I actually know someone that did this to his cabin. Having someone looking outside of course to make sure nobody walked into the Danger Zone!! [:0][:D]
Well, I must confess to this one, He is not the only one.[:D]0 -
Cordless drill. Holder of dead batteries. Poor subsitute for a hammer.
See: MAGLIGHT
Ain't it the truth...[:D]0 -
a nice list of information extractors.[:D][8D] 0 -
how about the Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker 
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Tools and their real uses;
I resemble All of those applications.0
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