Joke Of The Day
Garfield has it right!
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A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida,
and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist' s Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more
details?' he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of
their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private
regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in
soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have
to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'
'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now.'
[:D][:D][:D]0 -
The lesbian couple that lives next door just bought me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice but, I think they misunderstood me when I told them "I wanna watch."
[:D]
Feel free to post your own!0 -
Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"0 -
Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2010 it will begin offering customers a new discount item...Walmart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas , Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brands and varieties.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother responing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.0 -
Recieved this in an email:
Subject: Kids !
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the 2008 nomination of Hilary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids !0 -
A preacher decided his congregation needed some visual aids to understand his sermons about the evils of alcohol and other vices so he prepared the following items. He took 4 glass jars and filled one with chocolate, one with fresh dirt, one with booze, and one with cigarette smoke.Into each he placed a live earthworm . Sunday morning he preached his sermon and concluded with pulling the worms out of each jar .As can be expected all the worms except the one in the jar with the dirt were dead .Speaking to the congregation he asked " what can we learn from this ?"Sister Mabel, age 98, stood up from back of the church and said "If you drink whiskey, eat chocolate and smoke cigarettes you will not have worms!" 0 -
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."0 -
Repairing a Marriage Thru Counseling ;-)
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'0 -
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6' tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times "*0 -
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really MAD!!! She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.0 -
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.
Jeff0 -
Mexican Bungee Jumping
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding.
Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...It was the crowd. What the hell is a pi?ata?!"0 -
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're
in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over
you,
what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's
lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!""[:D][:D][:D]0 -
Joke-O-The Day
Salesman of the Century
A young guy from Minnesota moved to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do
you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman
back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the looks of the kid, so he gave him a job and said
"You start tomorrow, and I'll come down after we close and see how
you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it, and after the
store was locked up, the boss came down."How many customers bought
something from you on your first day? The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just One?" You know our sales people average on a
slow day 20 to 30 customers, but you had "JUST ONE". And how much
was your "JUST ONE for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss said what?... "$101,237.65?
Well, what the heck did you sell?'' The kid says, "First, I sold him a
small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a
larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine "Chris Craft". Then he said he didn't think his "Honda Civic" would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that "4X4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A man came in here to buy a fishing hook and you sold
him a "BOAT and a TRUCK?""
No " the kid said, "The man came in to buy monthly hygiene products for his wife, And I
said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing".0 -
> >> After all these years, the Bill & Hillary show is still good for a
> >> laugh!
> >>
> >> Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the
> >> first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of
> >> the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers to Bill. At first,
> >> Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back
> >> at the agent, and shakes his head "no."
> >> The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the
> >> entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy".
> >> Bill hesitates...but begins to change
> >> his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
> >> Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the
people
> >> want. C'mere Hilly, baby."
> >> With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of
her
> >> pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
> >> She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill you "!^$#@&!".
> >> The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up & down, cheering,
> >> hooting, and high fiving.
> >> Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the
> >> agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed
> >> how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone
totally
> >> pale, he asks what is wrong.
> >> The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first
> >> PITCH."0 -
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quote:
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar
but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as
first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured
Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw
each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag
who got what he deserved."
He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left
wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us."0 -
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the
right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating
woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell
phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting Officer was waiting with
her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,
and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I
assumed you had stolen the car." Priceless.0 -
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A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a San Francisco, CA
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the San
Francisco 49ers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.0 -
We should all try and learn something new every day. Here's one for today.
I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW ..
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.0 -
Difference between stop and slow down
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says,"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
That's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving mess out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"0 -
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"0 -
See ya there! 0 -
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thats ok however good looking a girl is someone is tired of umm loving them!just move to alaska (6 mnths of night)because ugly girls try harder. 0 -
ROFL!
Such a plain and simple joke, yet so funny!!0 -
sorry 0 -
Carter & Mr. AK?one made nuts one made bolts? 0 -
quote:Originally posted by TARGETHUNTER SST
Carter & Mr. AK?one made nuts one made bolts?
Try again. That's not Carter. E.S.0
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