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gjshaw
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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Comments

200 comments

Date Votes
  • gjshaw
    Poofed1.gif

    You knew it would happen.

    nunn


    Edit: Yeah, I figured as much.
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  • gjshaw
    Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I
    know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
    Tom Cruise"?

    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

    So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
    and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your
    friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
    Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
    just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

    "President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.

    Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

    So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
    motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just
    on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
    cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

    After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
    who again implores him to name anyone else.

    The new Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

    So, off they fly to Rome.

    Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
    Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
    these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
    upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

    He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

    Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
    But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
    and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
    out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
    the balcony with Bubba"?
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  • gjshaw
    First Irish Farmer:"my cow fell down a hole and i had to shoot it." Second Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?" First Irish Farmer: "Nope.....in the head"
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  • gjshaw
    Subject: The Phone Call


    The phone call

    ((( ring )))


    ((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))


    ***pick up***


    "Hello?"


    "Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"


    "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"


    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
    honey!


    "Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"


    "Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
    upstairs and knock on the bedroom
    door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled
    up outside the house."


    "Okay, Daddy!"


    A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
    did what you said, Daddy."


    "And what happened?" he asks.


    "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
    ran around screaming, then she
    tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's
    all dead."


    "Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"


    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
    he jumped out the back window
    into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you
    took out all the water to clean it, so
    he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."


    ***long pause***


    ***more pause****


    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"


    "Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
    Benjamin Franklin, 1785
    123div.gif
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  • gjshaw
    A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued...Again,"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus!!
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  • gjshaw
    I was in a pub last Saturday night. Had a few....and noticed two very large women at the bar.
    They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you ladies from Scotland?"

    One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

    So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

    That's all I remember
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  • gjshaw
    A man was sitting out on the porch of his rural home enjoying a cup of coffee. He spotted a chicken out in the road. It was weird since no one within miles raised chickens.

    The man went out to the road and scooped the chicken up, took her to his pole barn and fixed up a nice roost for her. Then he drove into town and bought a bag of chicken feed and thought about the good eggs he would be getting.

    The next morning took his coffee to the pole barn and reached under the chicken and was surprised to find a shiny new penny and left some feed for the chicken. Well the next morning he reached under the chicken and found a shiny new nickel. Most unusual he thought and left some feed out for the chicken. On the third day he found a dime. By now he had become attached to this chicken, wanted an occasional egg, and concerned the chicken must be sick.

    The man found an old cage, put the chicken in and drove to town to see the vet.

    After hearing the man's story, the vet examined the chicken and ran a test. He pronounced the chicken was normal.

    The man said how could that be?

    The vet repeated that the chicken was fine and


    wait



    wait



    wait


    here it is





    the chicken was going through the change. [:0][:o)]
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  • gjshaw
    First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
    Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
    After casting about for a suitable pearl,
    He kept messing around and created a girl.

    Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
    Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
    Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
    An! d round ed and firm to bring out the fire.
    Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
    Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
    Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
    And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
    Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
    And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
    'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.



    Then he added a mouth.

    Ruined the whole blessed thing.
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  • gjshaw
    Salaam alaikum,

    Here's a good one. No offence to anyone, ok?

    A man dashes into the Pope's office, panting, gasping, and trying to speak all at once.

    "What's the matter?" the Pope asks, offering the man a seat.

    "Oh your Grace!" the man exclaims, flopping on the chair. "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

    "Give me the good news," the Pope says.

    "Oh your Grace! JESUS is on the phone and he wants to speak to you!" the panting man exclaims.

    "Praise the Lord!" the jubilant Pope replies, "What could the bad news possibly be?"

    "Your Grace, he's calling from Mecca!" [:D][}:)]
    [:D]
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  • gjshaw
    A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

    That's when the proctologist fainted.


    Better to have and not need, than need and not have.
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  • gjshaw
    The office manager was putting up Christmas decorations and as she finished she walked back to her office. Two of the guys were looking at her snickering. When she said, What?" One told her she had glitter on her face and boobs.
    She said what does it mean to have glitter on her.
    One of the guys said glitter on the boobs means she went to a tittie bar.
    She then asked what about the glitter on her face?
    The other guy laughed and made the motor boat sound, then both guys almost fell out of their chairs with laughter.
    We will miss them.
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  • gjshaw
    A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. Te wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
    He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
    thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
    Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.
    Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.


    Larry
    runroom_x.gif
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  • gjshaw
    An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a
    teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought
    to choosing a profession.

    Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
    and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

    One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
    experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
    four objects:

    - a Bible,

    - a silver dollar,

    - a bottle of whisky and

    - a Playboy magazine

    "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
    "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
    he picks up.

    If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

    If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that
    would be okay, too.

    But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down
    drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.

    And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a
    skirt-chasin', no good bum."

    The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
    entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his
    books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
    objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
    inspect them.

    Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
    up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
    bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

    "Lord have mercy," th! e old preacher disgustedly whispered,

    "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
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  • gjshaw
    A NEW PASTOR WAS VISITING IN THE HOMES OF HIS PARISHIONERS. AT ONE HOUSE IT SEEMED OBVIOUS THAT SOMEONE WAS AT HOME, BUT NO ANSWER CAME TO HIS REPEATED KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.

    THEREFORE, HE TOOK OUT A BUSINESS CARD AND WROTE "REVELATION 3:20" ON THE BACK OF IT AND STUCK IT IN THE DOOR.

    WHEN THE OFFERING WAS PROCESSED THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, HE FOUND THAT HIS CARD HAD BEEN RETURNED. ADDED TO IT WAS THIS CRYPTIC MESSAGE, "GENESIS 3:10."

    REACHING FOR HIS BIBLE TO CHECK OUT THE CITATION, HE BROKE UP IN
    GALES OF LAUGHTER. REVELATION 3:20 BEGINS "BEHOLD, I STAND AT THE DOOR AND KNOCK." GENESIS 3:10 READS, "I HEARD YOUR VOICE IN THE GARDEN AND I WAS AFRAID FOR I WAS NAKED."



    REMEMBER WHEN THE FUNNIEST JOKES WERE THE CLEAN ONES? THEY STILL ARE!
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  • gjshaw
    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
    mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
    advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
    sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,
    "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,

    Will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
    peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
    computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to
    a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get
    an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
    satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
    and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany
    .

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that
    the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an
    MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
    hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and
    says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
    says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
    on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
    car.

    Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
    exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

    "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
    that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up
    here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer

    I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of
    dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me
    you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a
    living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ..

    Now give me back my dog.
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  • gjshaw
    This place is, I will be back when I need something, because there are some smart folks here. The upkeep sux though [:D]
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  • gjshaw
    quote:

    Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
    South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.

    Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every
    few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

    Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
    hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

    Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the
    quiet and said: "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"
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  • gjshaw
    This is for my buddy that wont talk to me[:o)][:D]




    NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN ARKANSAS

    Two hillbillies walk into a DairyQueen. While having a
    couple of DQ Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine
    operation.

    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,eating a chicken
    sandwich, begins to cough.

    After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real
    distress.

    One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
    swallar?"

    The woman shakes her head no.

    "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes
    widen and shakes her head no.

    The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the
    back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her
    right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
    the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to
    breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

    His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
    Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.
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  • gjshaw
    Peter goes to the doctor and says,
    'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they didn't smell and are silent.'

    The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'

    The next week Peter goes back. 'Doctor,' he says, 'I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, stink terribly.'

    'Good,' the doctor said. 'Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.'[^][:0]



    bible_devil.gif
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  • gjshaw
    Subject: FLAT TUMMY

    A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
    > >bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
    > >about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
    > >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
    > >
    > >The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
    I
    > >have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
    > >
    > >"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
    > >
    > >"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
    > >
    > >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
    > >knees and blows it right back up."



    .





    Dustin K. Griffin
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  • gjshaw
    This may get poofed:

    Far into the future for human development humans acquire the need to feed on human parts. At the local meat market there was a special on human brains for the week. A patron comes in wanting some human brains and the butcher said we have a sale on them this week. American brains are 35 bucks a pound. English brains are 57.50 bucks a pound and Polish brains are 325.00 bucks a pound.. The patron said "What"? Polish brains 325.00 bucks a pound thats outragous, the Butcher amswered " Not in the least outragous when you realize how many polocks it takes to get a pound of brains???
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  • gjshaw
    The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

    First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
    Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
    Third: What is God's first name?"

    Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

    Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

    How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

    Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . ."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

    St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."


    The gene pool needs chlorine.
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  • gjshaw


    Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
    White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

    They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
    'I will give each ofyou one wish, which is three wishes in total',
    says the Genie.

    The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

    POOF! With=2 0the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

    Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
    can come into our precious land.'

    POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

    The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
    Please tell me more about this wall.'

    The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
    it's virtually impenetrable.'

    The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
    smiles and says,

    'Fill it with water.'
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  • gjshaw
    A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

    'What's that mean?' asked the child.

    'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

    Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'



    The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
    0
  • gjshaw
    THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

    The Parking Ticket
    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
    Well, for example,
    the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
    We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
    When we came out, there was a cop writing out
    a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
    a senior citizen a break?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
    writing another ticket for having worn tires.
    So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
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  • gjshaw
    A BUM, WHO OBVIOUSLY HAS SEEN MORE THAN HIS SHARE OF HARD TIMES, APPROACHES A WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN ON THE STREET.
    "HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE TWO BUCKS?"
    THE WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN RESPONDS, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPEND IT ON LIQUOR, ARE YOU?"
    "NO SIR, I DON'T DRINK", RETORTS THE BUM.
    "YOU AREN'T GOING TO THROW IT AWAY ON SOME FISHING GEAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE GENTLEMAN.
    "NO WAY, I DON'T FISH", ANSWERS THE BUM.
    "YOU WOULDN'T WASTE THE MONEY ON A HUNTING LICENSE,
    WOULD YOU?" ASKS THE MAN.
    "NEVER", SAYS THE BUM, "I DON'T HUNT".
    "YOU WOULDN'T SPEND IT ON A TWO-BIT WHORE, WOULD YOU?"
    "OH NO", SAYS THE BUM, "I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN YEARS."

    THE MAN ASKS THE BUM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO COME HOME
    WITH HIM FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL. THE BUM ACCEPTS EAGERLY. WHILE THEY ARE HEADING FOR THE MANS HOUSE, THE BUM'S CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF HIM.


    "ISN'T YOUR WIFE GOING TO BE ANGRY WHEN SHE SEE A GUY LIKE ME AT YOUR TABLE?"


    "PROBABLY", SAYS THE MAN, "BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I WANT
    HER TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK, FISH, HUNT, OR HAVE SEX".
    0
  • gjshaw
    A couple of gay guys were walking down the street. A pretty blond suddenly pops out of a local shop and walks past them.
    One the the gay guys looks back at her and sighs to the other one, Gosh, it's times like that I wish I were a lesbian.
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  • gjshaw
    Why do men have 2 heads and a women has 4 lips because men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
    0
  • gjshaw
    A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a
    turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

    Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
    to deflect it.

    Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

    The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
    you stupid Catholic b---h."

    She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,
    you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-humper."
    0
  • gjshaw
    guy calls 911. Sir What is your emergency? I think my wife is dead. Sir why do you think your wife is dead? Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.
    0

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