Ok.. i didn't think anyone could B that stupid
if you think that deer story i post last was a gas, get some tissues before you read this one......
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Jake looking on intently (trusting soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Jake (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4" in circumference (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....
I'm sitting there alone, Jake looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master". Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The dog was standing over me making whining sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Numb Nuts
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Jake looking on intently (trusting soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Jake (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4" in circumference (pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best....
I'm sitting there alone, Jake looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master". Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The dog was standing over me making whining sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Numb Nuts
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Old, but still funny. 0 -
That is funny right there, I don't care who you are![:D] 0 -
what do you mean old...? posted 04-09-2007 05:33 PM 0 -
Note to self: Do not try this at home. 0 -
The ones the LEO's carry really hurt, and I volunteered to take the 5 second ride. [:0][:0][:0][:0][:0]
Never again, they can shoot me first with the Glocks just don't taser me.0 -
DOT DAMN! [:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]
....I cant see the keyboard for the tears...LMAO BIGTIME, your killing me! And your right, that was stupid, but damn funny!!!![:D][:D][:D]
PLEASE DO IT AGAIN!! I WANT TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENS THE NEXT TIME!! BUT THIS TIME ZAP YOUR "BOYS" WHEN YOU FIND 'EM..[:D][:D]
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Just dried my eyes longenuff to let the wife read this she is still crying!As far as the microwave I takeit it is stainless steel you can remove the marks with a scotchbrite pad .you just have to go straight back and forth with the grain of the steel.or if you have ZUD or BARKEEPER'S FRIEND they work very well for stains on ss.I repair bathtubs,formica,granite,corian,vinyl window frames and ss for a living. p.s. with zud or bkprs frnd go with the grain also! 0 -
Mr Gee, would you please do this again and have your wife get it on film because
(1) I'd like to see it on a you tube clip
(2) You might win $10,000.00 on Americas Funniest home videos.
I am still chuckleing over this even as I write this, good read, but it would have been better watching0 -
quote:Originally posted by dolfan
Note to self: Do not try this at home.
Not at home, but at a beer party on the drunkest, conscious a-hole you can find.0 -
Good for you, that you tried it on yourself and not the dog. 0 -
This has been around for quite some time now, still funny. 0 -
Yeah, an oldie but still funny! As far as video clips, on AFHV there was a clip of a guy who put one of those collars around his neck that is supposed to "go off" when the dog barks. You know, they start out with a "soft" zap, then get progressively harder. The first couple of times weren't too bad. But the third time he yelped REALLY loud and the thing really went off! Sent him butt over elbows. It was hilarious! Don't know why it didn't win any money. It was much funnier than people falling off boat docks and the like. 0 -
Do it again I think I heard you screaming the last time.I would like to be sure it was you. 0 -
The Captain zapped an out of control prisoner with one a few years back, big guy didn't even bat an eye...PR-24 to the rescue[:0] 0
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