Joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
I got this in my email today. If its been posted already, please ignore.
>> >A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were
>> > sitting in their pews and talking.
>> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>> > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
>> > trampling
>> > each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
>> > Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly
> sitting
>> > in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
>> > ultimate enemy was in his presence.
>> > So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
>> > "Yep, sure do."
>> > "Aren't you afraid of me?"
>> > "Nope, sure ain't."
>> > "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
>> > "Don't doubt it for a minute."
>> > "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
> agony
>> > for all eternity??"
>> > "Yep", was the calm reply.
>> > "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
>> > "Nope."
>> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
>> > afraid
>> > of
>> > me?"
>> > The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68
>> > years."
[:)][:)]0 -
A couple of gay guys were walking down the street. A pretty blond suddenly pops out of a local shop and walks past them.
One the the gay guys looks back at her and sighs to the other one, Gosh, it's times like that I wish I were a lesbian.0 -
Priest was hanging a picture on the wall and hit his thumb with the hammer, "Damn it" he hollered, the Nun heard him and said Father, you know that if you talk like that God will strike you with lightning. The father swung the hammer again , again hitting his thumb, "Damn it" he hollered, all at once a bolt of lightning shot through the roof, and missing the Father, hit and destroyed the organ,, out of the sky came this voice "Damn it I missed again" 
0 -
A terrorist group announces over the radio during a traffic jam thay have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton. They say if they dont get 50 million buck theyre going to set them on fire. So hearing this a man gets out of his car and starts asking for donations. He goes car to car and he finally gets to me. I say what are you doing? He says im collecting donations to help this terrorist thing get over with. I said, well how much is everyone giving on average? He says, About a gallon! -dave- 0 -
Let's see how long- or even if- this gets poofed. I've had people in stiches all day with this joke...
Apologies if it's already been posted.
-Plink
Burt always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some
on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He
walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything
different about me?'
Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'
Frustrated Burt storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again Tomorrow.'
Furious, Burt yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope,' she replies.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'
To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Burt. Shoulda bought a hat.'0 -
sorry about the > i did not have time to takem out [V]
The Rev. Al Sharpton
Rev. Al Sharpton got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
>
>
>
> The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Rev. Al, and told him to drink it all.
>
>
>
> Rev. Al drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like oatmeal!'
>
>
>
> The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'0 -
WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him.0 -
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE
The Parking Ticket
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example,
the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out
a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.0 -
A husband and a wife are trying to set up a password for their new computer.
The husband puts in MyBallPark Frank and the wife falls on the floor laughing because on the screen it says, Error not long enough.[:)]0 -
A man is running down his hallway after he heard a bump in the night, all of a sudden out of no where a man appears. Not having time to raise his weapon the man if forced to surrender to the intruder.
CLICK!, the man turns around and sees the indtruder racking the slide and ejecting a steel cased round, raises up and CLICK, by then the man had tooken the intuders weapon away and a round did go off(finnaly) striking the intruder in the head killing him. (though seemeing afuwl dirty)
Years later when the man dies he is in heaven asking God some questions he has always wanted to know one of them being, "why when the intruder broke into my house, you kept the rounds from going off and WHY? were they so dirty."
God simply replied," Oh no, it was not me... (look down)
It was Wolf[:D][:D]0 -
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.0 -
Peter goes to the doctor and says,
'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they didn't smell and are silent.'
The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'
The next week Peter goes back. 'Doctor,' he says, 'I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, stink terribly.'
'Good,' the doctor said. 'Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.'[^][:0]0 -
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This beocmes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offed me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll alwasy be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.. 0 -
Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on the Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Clotile said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.0 -
Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties
and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well go look in the garage..."0 -
A man approaches a young lady at a bar and says:
'Gee, you remind me of my little toe.'
She giggles, and asks:
'Is that because I'm so small and cute.'
'No', he replies.
'It's because I think I'm gonna get drunk tonight and bang you on the coffee-table.'0 -
0
-
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Better to have and not need, than need and not have.0 -
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
DarkStar11Walk In Peace...But Carry A Big Stick
Edited by - DarkStar11 on 05/07/2002 15:52:010 -
My neighbors the lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex it was very nice of them,but I think they miss understood me when I said
" I wanna watch "0 -
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur???? 0 -
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
the balcony with Bubba"?0 -
A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a
turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.
Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
to deflect it.
Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
you stupid Catholic b---h."
She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,
you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-humper."0 -
You knew it would happen.
nunn
Edit: Yeah, I figured as much.0 -
Guy goes into a ladies lingerie shop,tells the lady he wants a nursing bra.The lady says what bust,the guy says the condom. 0 -
About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER."
The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."0 -
TRAFFIC CONTROL
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but alas, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was SO heavy and
SO fast that his chickens were being run over at the rate of three to six a day.
So one day, Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got
to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all
of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," answered Farmer John, " just do something about those crazy
drivers!"
So the next day, the sheriff had the county workers erect a sign that
said.... SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later, Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The "School Crossing" sign seems to make
them go even faster."
So again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign... SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called
every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just
about ANYTHING to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided
to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you
put up your own sign?"
"Oh, sure I did, and not one chicken has been killed since, but I'm very
busy and I've got to go," Farmer John replied and hung up.
The sheriff was really curious now and he though to himself, "I'd better
go out there and take a look at that sign...it might be something WE could
use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the
moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood...
NUDIST COLONY ....
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
.
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 17850 -
*Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty said, 'I believe myself to be the most beautiful
girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb said, 'I must be the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Quasimodo said, 'I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person
in the world.'*
**
*So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.*
**
*Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously
happy. 'It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.'*
**
*Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, 'I am now officially
the smallest person in the world.'*
**
*Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and
said: 'Who is Rosie O'Donnell ?'*0 -
This may belong in the political section but wanted everyone to see it. read it with a sense of humor.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.
She shouted to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.'
She rolled her eyes and said, 'You must be a Republican.'
'I am,' replied the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me.'
The man smiled and responded, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.0 -
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied...
"Vietnam."0
Please sign in to leave a comment.
Comments
201 comments