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Joke

jimdeere
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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Comments

201 comments

Date Votes
  • jimdeere
    A NEW PASTOR WAS VISITING IN THE HOMES OF HIS PARISHIONERS. AT ONE HOUSE IT SEEMED OBVIOUS THAT SOMEONE WAS AT HOME, BUT NO ANSWER CAME TO HIS REPEATED KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.

    THEREFORE, HE TOOK OUT A BUSINESS CARD AND WROTE "REVELATION 3:20" ON THE BACK OF IT AND STUCK IT IN THE DOOR.

    WHEN THE OFFERING WAS PROCESSED THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, HE FOUND THAT HIS CARD HAD BEEN RETURNED. ADDED TO IT WAS THIS CRYPTIC MESSAGE, "GENESIS 3:10."

    REACHING FOR HIS BIBLE TO CHECK OUT THE CITATION, HE BROKE UP IN
    GALES OF LAUGHTER. REVELATION 3:20 BEGINS "BEHOLD, I STAND AT THE DOOR AND KNOCK." GENESIS 3:10 READS, "I HEARD YOUR VOICE IN THE GARDEN AND I WAS AFRAID FOR I WAS NAKED."



    REMEMBER WHEN THE FUNNIEST JOKES WERE THE CLEAN ONES? THEY STILL ARE!
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  • jimdeere
    I hope this Doesn't offend anyone. No pun Inteded

    REDNECK LENT

    Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up hisoutdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors wereCatholic..And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat onFriday.The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causingsuch aproblem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

    The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.


    'Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yardclutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched inamazement.

    There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holywater which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: Youwuzborn a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.






    AMEN
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  • jimdeere
    I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... Etc.

    She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Schmit."

    You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!
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  • jimdeere
    The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
    school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.


    The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
    the word "tragedy." So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an
    example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
    friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor
    comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."


    "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."


    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
    over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'


    I'm afraid not, "explains the exalted Reverend Al. That's what we would
    call a great loss."


    The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.


    Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
    an example of a tragedy?"


    Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern
    voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton
    were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'


    "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
    tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


    "Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great
    loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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  • jimdeere
    An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
    morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
    about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
    plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

    One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
    field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
    began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
    again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

    All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
    smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
    odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
    for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
    approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
    disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
    old farmer about it.

    So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
    why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
    head and disagreed with all the men.

    The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
    about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
    head in agreement."

    "And what about the men?" the minister asked.

    "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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  • jimdeere
    First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
    Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
    After casting about for a suitable pearl,
    He kept messing around and created a girl.

    Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
    Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
    Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
    An! d round ed and firm to bring out the fire.
    Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
    Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
    Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
    And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
    Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
    And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
    'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.



    Then he added a mouth.

    Ruined the whole blessed thing.
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  • jimdeere
    I was in a pub last Saturday night. Had a few....and noticed two very large women at the bar.
    They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you ladies from Scotland?"

    One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

    So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

    That's all I remember
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  • jimdeere
    AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
    BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
    OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
    WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
    SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

    THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
    THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND!
    PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

    THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
    OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
    UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
    TO HER VIBRATOR.
    TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M
    THIRTY- FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER
    GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

    A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
    GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
    FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

    SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
    DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM
    ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

    THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

    THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW
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  • jimdeere
    An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

    While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
    smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette
    sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
    remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

    Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
    the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
    railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With
    labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
    into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he
    would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
    spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
    literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle
    cookies.


    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
    from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to
    it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
    towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled
    posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
    the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
    him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
    its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it
    was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

    "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."


    NRA MEMBER
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  • jimdeere
    A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing theTexas plains without water.


    His horse has already died of thirst.

    He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
    breathed his last breath,

    when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
    of the sand several yards ahead of him.

    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and
    discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

    He opens it and out pops a genie.

    But this is no ordinary genie.

    She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
    Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

    There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
    pencil tucked behind one ear.

    'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I
    work....You have three wishes.

    'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy...'I'm
    not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

    'What do you have to lose? You've got no
    transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

    The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides
    that the genie is right.

    'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
    food and drink.'

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
    he has ever seen
    and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters o
    f delicacies.

    'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

    'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
    dreams.'

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure
    chests filled with
    rare gold coins and precious gems.

    'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
    make it a good one!'

    After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says....
    'I wish that no
    matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
    me.'

    ***POOF***

    He was turned into a tampon.

    Moral of the story:

    If the government offers to help you, there's going
    to be a string attached.
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  • jimdeere
    A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'
    The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
    The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
    The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'
    The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you f or the wonderful America !'
    That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American!'
    He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'
    She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
    Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'
    The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'
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  • jimdeere
    guy calls 911. Sir What is your emergency? I think my wife is dead. Sir why do you think your wife is dead? Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.
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  • jimdeere
    A couple was
    invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife
    sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

    So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
    I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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  • jimdeere
    A BUM, WHO OBVIOUSLY HAS SEEN MORE THAN HIS SHARE OF HARD TIMES, APPROACHES A WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN ON THE STREET.
    "HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE TWO BUCKS?"
    THE WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN RESPONDS, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPEND IT ON LIQUOR, ARE YOU?"
    "NO SIR, I DON'T DRINK", RETORTS THE BUM.
    "YOU AREN'T GOING TO THROW IT AWAY ON SOME FISHING GEAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE GENTLEMAN.
    "NO WAY, I DON'T FISH", ANSWERS THE BUM.
    "YOU WOULDN'T WASTE THE MONEY ON A HUNTING LICENSE,
    WOULD YOU?" ASKS THE MAN.
    "NEVER", SAYS THE BUM, "I DON'T HUNT".
    "YOU WOULDN'T SPEND IT ON A TWO-BIT WHORE, WOULD YOU?"
    "OH NO", SAYS THE BUM, "I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN YEARS."

    THE MAN ASKS THE BUM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO COME HOME
    WITH HIM FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL. THE BUM ACCEPTS EAGERLY. WHILE THEY ARE HEADING FOR THE MANS HOUSE, THE BUM'S CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF HIM.


    "ISN'T YOUR WIFE GOING TO BE ANGRY WHEN SHE SEE A GUY LIKE ME AT YOUR TABLE?"


    "PROBABLY", SAYS THE MAN, "BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I WANT
    HER TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK, FISH, HUNT, OR HAVE SEX".
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  • jimdeere
    sorry about the > i did not have time to takem out [V]

    The Rev. Al Sharpton

    Rev. Al Sharpton got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
    >
    >
    >
    > The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Rev. Al, and told him to drink it all.
    >
    >
    >
    > Rev. Al drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like oatmeal!'
    >
    >
    >
    > The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'
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  • jimdeere
    THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE

    The Parking Ticket
    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
    Well, for example,
    the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
    We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
    When we came out, there was a cop writing out
    a parking ticket.
    We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
    a senior citizen a break?'
    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
    writing another ticket for having worn tires.
    So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
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  • jimdeere
    This lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in her tree. She looks
    in her phone book and finds a gorilla removal service.
    When she asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy
    asks, "Is it a male or female?"
    "Male," she replies.
    "Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.
    An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a
    shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the woman some
    instructions.

    "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until
    he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite
    the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to
    protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."
    The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
    The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before
    the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua."



    "Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
    Benjamin Franklin, 1785
    123div.gif
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  • jimdeere
    A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

    'What's that mean?' asked the child.

    'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

    Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block..'

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'



    The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
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  • jimdeere
    An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

    The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in four weeks"

    The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another person, and have them both looking for work in just two weeks!"

    Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well," he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an jerk out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"
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  • jimdeere
    Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

    "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

    "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work."

    signew.JPG
    aniGif.gif
    "The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long..."

    Visit
    http://www.cafepress.com/RightToBearArms for great Second Amendment Merchandise!
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  • jimdeere
    A husband and a wife are trying to set up a password for their new computer.

    The husband puts in MyBallPark Frank and the wife falls on the floor laughing because on the screen it says, Error not long enough.[:)]
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  • jimdeere
    Subject: FLAT TUMMY

    A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad
    > >bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
    > >about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
    > >The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
    > >
    > >The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes
    I
    > >have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
    > >
    > >"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
    > >
    > >"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
    > >
    > >"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
    > >knees and blows it right back up."



    .





    Dustin K. Griffin
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  • jimdeere
    A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved into his temple.
    Certified SIG pistol armorer/FFL Dealer/Full time Peace Officer, Moderator of the General Discussion Board on Gunbroker. Visit www.gunbroker.com, the premier gun auction site on the Net! Email davidnunn@texoma.net Jesus is Lord!
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  • jimdeere
    A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This beocmes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offed me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll alwasy be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs..
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  • jimdeere
    quote:

    Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
    South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.

    Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every
    few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

    Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
    hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

    Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the
    quiet and said: "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"
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  • jimdeere
    Now here is one that we all need to remember!



    A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services,

    when she was startled by an intruder.

    She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

    (Repent and be Baptized,

    in the name of Jesus Christ,

    so that your sins may be forgiven.)

    The burglar stopped in his tracks.

    The woman calmly called the police

    and explained what she had done.

    As the officer cuffed the man to

    take him in, he asked the burglar:

    'Why did you just stand there?

    All the old lady did was yell a

    scripture to you.'

    'Scripture?' replied the burglar.

    'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

    Send this to someone who needs

    a laugh today and remember:

    Knowing Scripture can save your

    life in more ways than one!
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  • jimdeere
    ...probably a repost.

    A guy walks into a bar in D.C., sits down, and orders a drink. He looks down at the end of the bar, and sees George Bush, and Donald Rumsfeld having a drink. He asks the bartender if that's who he thinks it is, and the bartender says, "Yes, they come in here all the time." So, he walks over to them, introduces himself, and says "Wow. I'm really impressed with the job that you've been doing. But, I have to ask: What do you guys talk about when you're at the bar having drinks?" Rumsfeld responds, "Well buddy, we're talking about World War III. It starts tomorrow." The guy, obviously shocked asks, "What?...How?...What's going to happen?" Bush responds that "Tomorrow we are going to kill 50 million muslims, and one beautiful big-boobed blond." The guy, even more shocked asks, "Well what are you going to kill the blond for?" Bush looked at Rumsfeld and said, "See!!! I told you nobody gives a crap about 50 million muslims."

    Ben
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  • jimdeere
    time to pull the plug ??

    While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wai[:D]t. the ER doctor appeared ,wearing his scrubs and a long face.
    Sadly he said, "I"m afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

    "Oh dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
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  • jimdeere
    A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. Te wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
    He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,
    thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
    Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.
    Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.


    Larry
    runroom_x.gif
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  • jimdeere
    A little boy was riding his BMX bike one day in the drive way when the little girl next door asked if she could ride his BMX bike. The little boy said,"You see this, this bike is for boys only. Only boys can have these."

    Well, she went home and told her mommy what he said. The next day he was riding his bike again and the little girl came over on a brand new bike just like his, but with a basket on the front.

    Well this made the little boy upset so he threw his bike to the ground and pouted up to the house.

    He came out a little later with a football. He was tossing it in the air and playing in the yard. The little girl saw him and asked if she could play too. He said,"You see this, this football is for boys only. Only boys can have with these."

    Well like before she ran home and told her mommy what the little boy had said. The very next day the little girl rode her bike over and she had a new football in the front basket of her bike. She gave a smerk to the little boy and tossed her ball in the air giggling.

    The little boy so frustrated, pulled his pants down and pointed to his tally wacker(I guessing this word won't be edited[;)]) and said,"You see this, only boys have these."

    Satisfied he had shown the little girl next door who's boss he pulled his pants up and went inside as she stood there in shock.

    Later that day he was outside on the lawn and the little girl came right over and approached him. She walked up to him with a big grin on her face.

    She pulled her dress up and her panties down and pointed to her private parts and said, " You see this, only girls have these. And my mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"[:0]
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