Joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his
wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip
short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by
the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy..
"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
"But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of
Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other."
"This I gotta see," replied the agent.
With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to
Chicago ."
"Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."0 -
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 15 years and 50 lbs.0 -
A man is running down his hallway after he heard a bump in the night, all of a sudden out of no where a man appears. Not having time to raise his weapon the man if forced to surrender to the intruder.
CLICK!, the man turns around and sees the indtruder racking the slide and ejecting a steel cased round, raises up and CLICK, by then the man had tooken the intuders weapon away and a round did go off(finnaly) striking the intruder in the head killing him. (though seemeing afuwl dirty)
Years later when the man dies he is in heaven asking God some questions he has always wanted to know one of them being, "why when the intruder broke into my house, you kept the rounds from going off and WHY? were they so dirty."
God simply replied," Oh no, it was not me... (look down)
It was Wolf[:D][:D]0 -
a farmer walked into a bar,ordered a beer ,got a smoke out but had no lighter. the bartend gave him one from a huge lighter behind the counter. the farmer ask where he got that lighter? the bartend answered,from the genie in that bottle over there. the farmer picked the bottle up and out popped the genie,sayingyou have 1 wish. the farmer replied i want a million bucks.the genie said go home and find your wish.the farmer drove as fast as he could and when he arrived home he seen a million white ducks all over his farm,he turned around and went back to town and told the bartend ,hey , i said a million bucks not ducks. the bartend said ,you don't think i ask for a 12 inch bic do ya[:D] 0 -
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
Better to have and not need, than need and not have.0 -
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked the doctor. "Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow's ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that's when I made my mistake." The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said 'Hey this looks like yours hun!'"0 -
Subject: the rabbit
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit
jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately the rabbit
jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again
and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(This is bad!)
(It's not even a Blonde Joke!)
(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)
(You can still delete it)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
Larry
0 -
Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
You're gonna love it...
It's the one with the little sticker that says...
I - DA - HO0 -
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ...the United States Marines .you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that bababooey. He was in the Air Force.0 -
This may get poofed:
Far into the future for human development humans acquire the need to feed on human parts. At the local meat market there was a special on human brains for the week. A patron comes in wanting some human brains and the butcher said we have a sale on them this week. American brains are 35 bucks a pound. English brains are 57.50 bucks a pound and Polish brains are 325.00 bucks a pound.. The patron said "What"? Polish brains 325.00 bucks a pound thats outragous, the Butcher amswered " Not in the least outragous when you realize how many polocks it takes to get a pound of brains???0 -
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . ."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
The gene pool needs chlorine.0 -
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.0 -
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow".0 -
0
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Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.*
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?*
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!*0 -
Lets start Sat with a joke.
What is a yankee!
Te same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive!
Because its worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex!
Because its no big deal unless you re not getting any,
Those who live by the sword will be killed by those who dont. Glyn0 -
One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Alex."
"Good morning sir," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" he asked the minister.
The minister said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
_________________0 -
A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks the bartender "Is this stool taken?"
Pa rum pum...0 -
10 things only women understand. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80443432/ 0 -
Panda walks into a bar-The Bartender cant believe it!Damn,i cant believe what im seeing!What,ll it be Panda? Lettuce and a Bud Lite,responds Panda.Sure,commin up!Panda munches on lettuce while casually sipping his beer.Everyone enjoys seeing the Panda and wants to buy his next beer.Finally the Panda gets up,pulls an Uzi out of his fur and starts shooting up the Bar.Glasses and liquor bottles exploding,pure pandemonium! Then the Panda calmly walks toward the door.Bartender peeks over Bar-Panda,why did you shoot up my Bar? Im a Panda,look it up.Bartender grabs a dictionary and looks it up.PANDA-Black and white Mammal indigenous to Western China,eats chutes and leaves. 0 -
I was in a bar one Saturday night, when a big, mean biker-looking dude walked in. He looked like he was cruising for a fight, but the size and evil look on his face told me that he wouldn't find a dance pardner in that bar.
He sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. The room grew quiet. After a while, he turned to his left and bellowed, "Everyone on that side of the room is a son-of-a-betch!". The room remained quiet.
Soon, he turned to his right and bellowed "Everyone on that side of the room is a fraggot!" Again, silence. Hearing a chair scuff the floor, he spun around on his bar stool and shouted to a fellow who had gotten out the chair, "Where in the hill do you think you're going?!". A rather effiminate fellow said:
"I'm just getting on the right side of the room."0 -
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.
Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign.
It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"
[8D][:D][8D]0 -
A huge billboard sign states -
"Need Help, Call Jesus at 1-800-123-4567"
Wondering who would answer, called 1-800-123-4567 and got an answering machine requesting address of where help was needed. The address was left on the answering machine.
Then next day at 7AM, a mexican kid shows up with a lawnmower.
[:D]0 -
Subject: The Phone Call
The phone call
((( ring )))
((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))
***pick up***
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
honey!
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run
upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled
up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I
did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming, then she
tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's
all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and
he jumped out the back window
into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you
took out all the water to clean it, so
he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 17850 -
When I say I'm broke... I'm broke
cid:1.885105893@web113606.mail.gq1.yahoo.com
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..."
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!''
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vaccum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,
'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."0 -
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur???? 0 -
A man stumbles up to the other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "you don't say, I'm from Ireland too! let's have another round for Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man, "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "what school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says, "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65." About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "the O"Malley twins are drunk again" 0 -
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen
crabs, and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for
him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty
manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.0 -
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and & pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this.... I'm naked..... hiding inside a refrigerator......"
The gene pool needs chlorine.0 -
DAMN TRACTOR!
A farmer has three sons.
One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, but I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy wasn't very happy with that answer but he did understand the situation and said, "Okay, Dad, I understand."
A week later, his 10 year old son approached saying he was hoping he'd get a two-wheel bicycle for his upcoming birthday.
Well, of course he got the same answer. "......as soon as that tractor is paid for........ "
The following month his youngest son began bugging him for a tricycle.
Again, he got the same lecture about the tractor being paid for first..
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little upset about the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly kicked the rooster clean off the hen's back, mumbling to himself as he did.
His dad says, "Son, that is not an acceptable thing to do to any animal!
You certainly know better than that! Why on earth would you do something like that when that rooster wasn't bothering you in the least?"
The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Listen, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."0
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