Joke Of The Day
Garfield has it right!
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You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.
>
> The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25
> to life would be appropriate.
> --Jay Leno
>
> America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
> --Jay Leno
>
> Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
> A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
> A: A fund raiser.
> --Jay Leno
>
> Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
> A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The
> other is for housing prisoners.
> --David Letterman
>
> Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and
> it started to sink, who would be saved?
> A: America !
> --Jimmy Fallon
>
> Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
> A: Bo has papers.
> --Jimmy Kimmel
>
> Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
> A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
> --David Letterman0 -
Body Statistics
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's BallPark Frank is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are
standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.0 -
I saw a Radical Muslim fall into the icy Columbia River this morning about 8:20.
As a responsible citizen, I informed the local office of emergency services.
It's now 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!
I'm starting to think I've wasted a stamp.0 -
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the
right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten
the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating
woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she
missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell
phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her
to the police station where she was searched, finger printed,
photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted
back to the booking desk where the arresting Officer was waiting with
her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker,
and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally...I
assumed you had stolen the car." Priceless.0 -
No speaka da English:
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig !' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives!'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' bouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'
$ 1.00 says you're gonna read this again.0 -
Some may find this one amusing:
quote:A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an jerk!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for jerk?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."0 -
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robe perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought the answer was strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father.0 -
ATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.0 -
Dear Sirs:
> In view of what seems to be happening internationally with
> banks at the
> moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of
> my checks is
> returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I
> know whether that refers to
> me or to You?0 -
Difference between stop and slow down
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says,"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
That's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving mess out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"0 -
A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA
DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.
WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES
TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB.!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN
APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR.
IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT
FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE
COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A
TREE. "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES
IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383 BOARD
FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS
ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE
PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A
BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN
QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR.
ONE MORE test. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE
FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS
DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK,
242 BOARD FEET AT BEST"
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A
LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE
IS.
AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA
TO STEP OUTSIDE. HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE
THAT TREE OVER THERE?" I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT
TREE.
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS
THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE
LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON
THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT THAR'S
THE FRONT", THE REDNECK SAYS.
THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE
HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"
THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS
LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A
poop BEHIND IT."
HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!
[:D][:D][:D]0 -
I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help !!!!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help
him get an erection.
When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.0 -
We should all try and learn something new every day. Here's one for today.
I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW ..
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.0 -
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool
> he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
>
> The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
>
> The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
>
> The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the
> man had ever had.
>
> The robot then asked, "sir, what is your IQ?"
> The man answered "oh, about 164 "
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity',
> inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs',
etc......
>
> .
> The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would
> try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot
> clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
>
> Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
>
> This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started
> discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to
> expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
>
> The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
> stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
>
> This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
>
>
>
> The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
>
>
> "A-R-E
> Y-O-U-R P-E-O-P-L-E R-E-A-L-L-Y G-O-I-N-G
> T-O N-O-M-I-N-A-T-E
>
>
> H--I--L--L--A--R--Y0 -
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Here's a good old story about a good old boy from Texas:
Seems a guy cruises through a stop sign, or whatever, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his (CCW ~ Concealed Carry Weapons) permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.
And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of?"
Not a dam thing0 -
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver0 -
An American wrestler was listening to his managers advice about his next match. The guys an Australian who has this lock hold that he calls a Kangaroo Hold. If he gets you in this hold youre screwed. It can not be broken. The manager demonstrated the hold and ways to block it.
The match started,and immediatly the American boy got locked in the hold The manager threw his hands over his eyes in utter dispair. Suddenly the crowd went wild. The manager looked up and saw the referee holding up the Americans hand in victory. Back in the getdressing room the manager said i did not see what happened. How did you break that hold?
Well the wrestler said he had me all twisted up and i looked up and saw this pair of balls hanging in front of my face so i bit them. Youd be suprised how strong you can get when you bite your own nuts.0 -
Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting
in the living room talking about many things.
The idea of a living will came up and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids
from a bottle. If I ever come to that just
pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then
threw out my beer.
Bitch.....0 -
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Repairing a Marriage Thru Counseling ;-)
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'0 -
I know a guy who lives in Pennsylvania and sorta has a beard.
He is Am ish0 -
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really MAD!!! She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.0 -
[:D][:D][:D] 0 -
[:D][:D][:D][8D] 0 -
[:D][:D][:D][:D] 0 -
oldie but a goodie 0 -
Blind, crippled and crazy. 0
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