Elderly parents problem
My folks are both in their 80's and are in decreasing health.
Dad has COPD and while of study physical strength, can't breath well enough to do much.
Mom had a severe car wreck many years ago that has left her very frail in her later years. While generally healthy, her mobility is almost to the point of needing a wheelchair. She falls frquently, but luckily hasn't broken any bones or had serious injury. YET.
As appears to be the case w/oldsters, they do not appear willing to give up their home/independence and move to an assisted living facility. Even as events increasingly indicate this would be to their benefit.
Oddly (IMO), dad has indicated that he is considering putting MOM in a facility, but to remain at home himself. Something us kids have protested w/a "Both go or not at all" arguement.
What would you do in this situation. Insist that they both go to a assisted living faciity, or allow them to make their choice as they will?
Dad has COPD and while of study physical strength, can't breath well enough to do much.
Mom had a severe car wreck many years ago that has left her very frail in her later years. While generally healthy, her mobility is almost to the point of needing a wheelchair. She falls frquently, but luckily hasn't broken any bones or had serious injury. YET.
As appears to be the case w/oldsters, they do not appear willing to give up their home/independence and move to an assisted living facility. Even as events increasingly indicate this would be to their benefit.
Oddly (IMO), dad has indicated that he is considering putting MOM in a facility, but to remain at home himself. Something us kids have protested w/a "Both go or not at all" arguement.
What would you do in this situation. Insist that they both go to a assisted living faciity, or allow them to make their choice as they will?
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My kids ever try to put me in an old folks kennel they would need an ambulance. 0 -
Do you also believe they are to infirm to make choices for themselves? I should think that would be the only basis upon which the kids would get a vote.
My mom chose to move to a retirement community. Not assisted living per se, but they do the cooking and cleaning for the residents.0 -
It is a real hard realization to come to, that you, who have been "In Charge" for so long, must surrender some personal freedom and Dignity, to live the last years easily...I watched my GrandMother go through this and it was never easy, not one step.
I would say that except for looking in more often, you should let them come to the realization themselves. Let them have their Dignity as long as they can. Some, when they have to surrender their Dignity, just seem to "break", and become depressed and listless, and then proceed to the checkout line quickly.
Love them, and offer help for them. Treat them as you would like to be treated. Give it some thought. Getting old is messy, and never works like you imagined. Help them realize that they need help, but don't conclude the argument for them - let them make it. Love them.0 -
Many older folks live in a make-believe world that they are living independently simply because they are still in their own homes. The fact is that most are actually very dependent on their children who take them to the doctor, take them (or do their) shopping, assisting with problems around the house like putting up storm windows or even paying their bills and preparing their meals. If your parents can manage all of lifes daily chores on their own and without any assistance then they are independent but if they need this sort of help more than on an occassional basis then they need to be in some sort of assisted living facility. 0 -
...Any chance of getting a live-in aid? My mom spent some time in a nursing home after a broken hip. I promised her that we'd get her out of there. We found "Zsa Zsa", a Bulgarian nurse that has allowed us to let Mom to live in her own house. It can be tough to find the right, caring person, but we got very lucky.
...At first, older folks will see the care giver as an intruder into their routine, but if you find the right one, they become almost like family. Good luck.0 -
My Daughter who is 9 told me that when I get to old she is taking me to the pound.
Seems like Handload has a good point, let them decide.0 -
quote:Originally posted by Flying Clay Disk
Be careful with the words 'assisted living', it can mean a lot of things. Are you sure you're not instead suggesting a retirement community...which is altogether different.
My parents are in their 80's as well. They recently moved to a retirement community, and a very nice one at that. They can be as independent as they want. However, as they age, they can also gradually move into a more 'assisted' environment as the situation dictates. From there they can also migrate into full on managed care (nursing home type environment) should the need arise. All this without leaving the community they live in.
You might look into it. It is a swiftly growing market right now. I can provide you with some info / examples if you'd like.
edit: Oh, and just a friendly note about this thread's title...elderly parents are not a 'problem', they're a gift!
I wasn't refering to them as a problem. But to the problems that they, and their children are now facing.
They are both of mostly sound mind. Just becoming more physically challenged.
By assisted living I was refering to more of a retirement community than the usual "old folks home" type thing. IMO they aren't that far gone yet.
Thanks for your input. It mirrors my instincts thus far. However things are getting to the point that it's becoming an upsetting situation. I live 60 miles away from and cannot look after them as much as I'd like. Frequent phone calls about Mom falling etc. get one worrying if something need be done. Plus I suspect that Dad is getting alittle mean (towards Mom) in his old age. He regards her physical disabilities as an inconvienience to him and has little understanding or sympathy for her.0 -
Reverse morgage. 0 -
My mom was adamant that she would never go into any type of assisted living situation, so us kids never pushed the issue. However, when the right time came, she made the decision on her own. 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Fatstrat
dad has indicated that he is considering putting MOM in a facility, but to remain at home himself. Your mother, your siblings, and you need to resist Dad's attempts on relocating her.
Remember that your mother has a say in this...you all need to talk to her and say NO to dad. If he is having a hard time taking care of her, then as others posted, try to get a live in aid. Or then, find a suitable place for both, where they can live together.0 -
Have them go visit a couple of these places. My grandparents 93 and 91 moved into one 2 years ago. Best decision they ever made. Their health has improved immeasurably due to the care they have received but more from the lack of stress from not trying to take care of themselves.
The place they live has three levels.
Independent living, Assisted living and nursing home. They have had an apartment in the independent portion for the last two years. They have meals in the main dining room, cleaning service and maid service. There apartment has a small kitchen where they can cook if they wish. Lots of activities and a very pleasant environment.
My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a little over a year ago and she has deteriorated rapidly. One month ago she moved into the AL (Assisted Living) part while G-pop has remained in the independent portion . Even within the AL part there are different levels of care depending on the needs of the resident. This is basically a nice large bedroom where she has taken her own furniture so it feels like home. The care givers check on them regularly and in her case take them to the meals in the dining room. If they need assistance with ADLs Activities of Daily Living they are provided. She needs help with showers, making sure she takes her medication but dresses herself. others get different assistance based on what they need. Again many planned activities for the residents to keep them stimulated.
Again, make a visit to a couple of these facilities and you will be surprised with the offerings. I know we were.
To answer your question you can not really "Make them" go unless the are judged incompetent. You can however help them decide what is best for them by showing them the options and supporting the decision that is best for their welfare.
Be prepared though as these places are not inexpensive.0 -
hows about you pool ya dosh t'gether, by a bigger pad, one level for them(floor) one level for you're lot(UP) & look after them in one home 'together'....huh!!!!!![?] 0 -
Elderly parents and their children who care for them need to have enough respect and love for each other to ensure that neither party suffers a serious loss in their quality of living. For example, my late mother told me she did not want to be a burden on any family member if it came to the point of her not being able to care for herself. She set a great example of just how deep her love and respect was for those she loved and cared for during her life. I wish that I could help you with your situation, however, for anyone to determine when any outside professional help is absolutely necessary to care for their loved ones is something that each family has to face on their own. I would think that, oftentimes, when elderly folks do require the attention of a nursing home, or any type of assisted living, they find that they like it, and feel that they should have made the move much earlier. Good luck to you and your families. 0 -
I'm assuming you already considered this, but is there any way you nd your siblings and your spouses might figure out some sort of a schedule where one of you will stay or visit on a regular basis with Mom and Dad in their home and be able to assist Dad in the care of Mom? Sounds like Dad is feeling a little overwhelmed. Old folks can be very private and stubborn and not want to seek assistance from a social services agency because of their pride. How about an adult, responsible grandchild? 0 -
Let them find their own ice floe in their own time. 0 -
They will know when it is time to ask for assistance, just be accessible if needed. My grandparents lived at home until their death (in their sleep). Even in not-so-good health, living in their own home seemd to be a huge stress relief for them. 0 -
I'm in about the same position as you. Mom and Dad are both 84 and still living in the farmhouse they've been in since 1946. My sister and brother are both 1000 miles away and I'm 5 miles so it all falls on me. At least my brother and sister are appreciative of what I do and understand the demands so that helps. This is the down side of them having good health habits (and everybody else) You don't live forever, just longer. Do the best you can and don't feel too guilty. 0 -
Let them live as they see fit...if they choose to live at home, then talk to them about getting life alert....
Its a pendant you wear that if you are hurt or fall, and no one is around ,..you press a button and help is available to you and ambulance is called or whatever...
Check into having a nurse come every day...quite often the cost is covered by insurance...0 -
Fats: givette here.
My family did exactly what is in Mond's posting. Mom/kid sister upstairs with my nephew. Middle sister downstairs with her family. Me? In the corner of the basement with my cats. (Don't get me wrong, I love it, and feel good for my mom, as well). Big-ish house. And I'm sure my mom feels good about having so much family within reach. Joe0 -
How does Mom feel about going alone to an assisted living or nursing home?
They can be very nice, having companionship and activities depending on one's capabilities. They take away the burden of worries about every day living and maintaining a home or apartment.
I interviewed some people in an assisted living facility who were very happy. They could come and go if they were physically and mentally able.
My mother on the other hand was unhappy because she was immobile and dependent on aides to wheel her to activities on other floors.
Nevertheless, she had a social circle and things to do once she got there. It was a hell of a better deal than to be lying in bed in her apartment with illiterate third worlder home health care workers for company who cleaned her out of any valuables.
A visit to an assisted living facility and talking to a few residents might be a good idea.
Quality of life might be better.0 -
My wife in her early seventies is in a Nursing home, she had a stroke about six weeks ago and it appears considering her progress she will be for an extended time if not permanently.
Prior to the stroke I was the care giver, it was obvious she was deteriorating and would at a point I had set in my mind need more than I could do for her at home. I researched home care, assisted living and Nursing Homes. I found the services, the fees, the quality of care and the general atmosphere varied, in some cases varied significantly.
The stroke determined the level of care, a Nursing Home, had she not had the stroke I would have had alternatives. I feel one of the most important results of her being in a competent surroundings is that I had done my homework before it became a last minute scramble to locate what may have been or not been a qualified location for her.
Shortly after her being settled into the Nursing Home, I had a rather serious kidney problem that requires the removal of a growth or the entire kidney in a couple weeks. The Nursing Home staff has been advised and all is well in so far as my wife is concerned, plus if needed I can also stay there if some unforeseen complications should develop. I can recuperate confident of her well being, not concerned with her being neglected or mistreated.
My point is be prepared for the expected, more so for the unexpected. Do the home work before it becomes a scramble. Also I have learned from my experience and others that have been care givers, there is a point for the care giver to face reality and accept he/she can not do for the person(s) the continuous care required. It is a hard sell to convince someone to give up their independence, their surroundings of years, I don't know in my case how I would have done it, had she not had the stroke, but I had reached the point I knew was overall the best for her, I would have found a gentle persuasive way to allow her to make the decision0 -
I am glad i am not in your shoe's but in wways I wish I were. I lost my mother to a heart attack, and father to cancer, a few years latter. All I can say is spend as much time with them as you can, cause once they are gone you won't get a chance, too. I spent a lot of time with my dad after mom past away. He needed someone and it turned out to be the best part of my life. [:)] 0 -
Get a live in Polish women. It would probably cost about the same or less than assisted living, and they can stay in their own house! 0 -
quote:Originally posted by Fatstrat
What would you do in this situation.
Tell them how you feel and why, then respect their decision, giving them the respect of free people, your parents, and your elders.0 -
I will give my advise as I see it from my point of view as a Paramedic and as myself. I will say Maalox has great advise.
As a person I believe staying at home if at all possible is the best. That is what I feel I would want. At the same time at some point we all need help. The term "nursing home" is a very very scary one and for some very good reasons. Facilities like Maalox has mentioned are not the nursing homes of years past. Some are just like apartments but the doors open into a common hallway. You have the option of dining in your room or in the dining room. There are craft rooms, game rooms, reading room, common areas, ect. It has all the upsides of having your own space with out being alone. These are not the places of sick and unable to do anything for themselves people.
There are some very good places and some not so nice places. Go to the local fire dept or ambulance company and ask for "references" as to the good places. Catch a crew and ask them don't ask the office staff as they don't actually go to these places and may or may not have contracts with them. The crews that go to these places will have some good input, but most likely not be able to say "on the record". Tell them a Medic on line told you to ask them for local advise.0 -
quote:Originally posted by kristov
Many older folks live in a make-believe world that they are living independently simply because they are still in their own homes. The fact is that most are actually very dependent on their children who take them to the doctor, take them (or do their) shopping, assisting with problems around the house like putting up storm windows or even paying their bills and preparing their meals. If your parents can manage all of lifes daily chores on their own and without any assistance then they are independent but if they need this sort of help more than on an occassional basis then they need to be in some sort of assisted living facility.
...and sometimes we owe it to them to let the believe as they wish...hell, they spent their entire lives helping their kids, contributing to society, etc. I am only 36 but I have a lot of insight into this subject as GWS is taking it's toll on me physically. At this young age, I am no longer able to do the occupation I know and love...I probably have the body of a 65 year old person...but it's not easy to admit the limitations I face. I say kids have an obligation to their parents in their old age...0 -
I visited my Grandmother as often as I could - early on, when she was still mentally fine, just couldn't speak very well or swallow, I said to her, "This place is really pretty fine, they feed you, they help you, and you have lots of people to make friends with - what's not to like, Marie?" She fixed me with her eyes, and mouthed the words clearly and slowly - "You're not here."
Like I said, it is not a neat, manageable or tidy situation. The best anyone can hope for is help with the final weeks, months or years, and a relatively painless passing. Enjoy every day you can, share your Love, and cherish the "good" days. They will be gone too soon.
Best of wishes to each and every one of you - you will probably be in this situation (at one end or the other) before you check out.0
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