Joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
quote:
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The group waiting on the tee playing behind her was from Washington, DC and included Barack Obama.
Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave when he said,"I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll vote Democratic in the next election".
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head !"0 -
A little humor for friday.
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'''0 -
Three Southern boys and three Northerners were traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southern boys buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Northerners. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South. They all board the train and the three Northerners take their respective seats but all three Southern boys cram into a toilet together and close the door. Soon after, the train departs and the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a bit and a single arm emerges with the one ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Northerners see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southern boys don't buy any ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Northerner. "Watch and learn," answers the men from the South. When they board the train, the three Northerners cram themselves into a toilet and the three Southern boys cram into another just down the aisle. Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southern boys leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Northerners are hiding. The Southern boy knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please".0 -
Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious.
So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Hollywood, communists, vodka, and kwanzaa.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
Well, not everyone can be from Chicago, an ACORN member, and happy with OBama!0 -
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba0 -
Famous rorn star Ron Jeremy was called to serve on a panel to decide the quilt or innocence of a defendant in a trial. It was a hung jury... 0 -
One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."0 -
The Mole Family
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole
hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....
MOLASSES!
Well, Hell I thought it was funny.[:D]
0 -
A Good Catholic Joke
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?0 -
Queen Elizabeth
and
Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
"Look at these,
they're the most
perfect breasts
God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day,
for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly,
and asks
Her Majesty the same question.
The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up, and gargles.
Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel
says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks,
"What was that all about?
I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She spits into a
commode and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,
"but even in Heaven,
a royal flush
beats a pair -
no matter how big they are.0 -
Dear Friends,
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who the "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in.
Then the trouble started. . .
"If you ain't got pictures, I wasn't there."0 -
RECTUM DEODORANT, POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER!
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
pharmacist.
"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container.........
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."0 -
...probably a repost.
A guy walks into a bar in D.C., sits down, and orders a drink. He looks down at the end of the bar, and sees George Bush, and Donald Rumsfeld having a drink. He asks the bartender if that's who he thinks it is, and the bartender says, "Yes, they come in here all the time." So, he walks over to them, introduces himself, and says "Wow. I'm really impressed with the job that you've been doing. But, I have to ask: What do you guys talk about when you're at the bar having drinks?" Rumsfeld responds, "Well buddy, we're talking about World War III. It starts tomorrow." The guy, obviously shocked asks, "What?...How?...What's going to happen?" Bush responds that "Tomorrow we are going to kill 50 million muslims, and one beautiful big-boobed blond." The guy, even more shocked asks, "Well what are you going to kill the blond for?" Bush looked at Rumsfeld and said, "See!!! I told you nobody gives a crap about 50 million muslims."
Ben0 -
This place is, I will be back when I need something, because there are some smart folks here. The upkeep sux though [:D] 0 -
quote:
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every
few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the
quiet and said: "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"0 -
This is for my buddy that wont talk to me[:o)][:D]
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN ARKANSAS
Two hillbillies walk into a DairyQueen. While having a
couple of DQ Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine
operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table,eating a chicken
sandwich, begins to cough.
After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya
swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes
widen and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her
right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and
the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to
breathe again, the hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind
Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.0 -
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not
happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect. He never
heard the shot....0 -
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This beocmes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offed me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll alwasy be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.. 0 -
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.
A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale t his week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."0 -
His name was Bubba, he was from Alabama ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a brand new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from University Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.0 -
Panda walks into a bar-The Bartender cant believe it!Damn,i cant believe what im seeing!What,ll it be Panda? Lettuce and a Bud Lite,responds Panda.Sure,commin up!Panda munches on lettuce while casually sipping his beer.Everyone enjoys seeing the Panda and wants to buy his next beer.Finally the Panda gets up,pulls an Uzi out of his fur and starts shooting up the Bar.Glasses and liquor bottles exploding,pure pandemonium! Then the Panda calmly walks toward the door.Bartender peeks over Bar-Panda,why did you shoot up my Bar? Im a Panda,look it up.Bartender grabs a dictionary and looks it up.PANDA-Black and white Mammal indigenous to Western China,eats chutes and leaves. 0 -
This may get poofed:
Far into the future for human development humans acquire the need to feed on human parts. At the local meat market there was a special on human brains for the week. A patron comes in wanting some human brains and the butcher said we have a sale on them this week. American brains are 35 bucks a pound. English brains are 57.50 bucks a pound and Polish brains are 325.00 bucks a pound.. The patron said "What"? Polish brains 325.00 bucks a pound thats outragous, the Butcher amswered " Not in the least outragous when you realize how many polocks it takes to get a pound of brains???0 -
Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security
last week.
After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter.
The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my
wallet on the night stand in my bedroom. I told the lady that I was very sorry,
but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
"I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.
At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt."
I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and,
with that, she promptly processed my application.
When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at
the Social Security Office. She listened to the whole story and then
said, "You should have dropped your pants . . . you might have gotten
disability, too."
Larry0 -
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Gassman,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Gassman, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where t he antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.0 -
Three brothers were laid off at the sawmill. They loaded up in the truck and went looking for another job. They tried every place in town but no one was hiring. As a last resort, one suggested they try the airport. The first brother went in the managers office and asked for a job. "What skills do you have?" the manager asked. "Well, I worked at the sawmill for 20 years" said the brother. "I'm sorry, we don't have anything for you" said the manager. The second brother went in and heard the same response. The third brother said "I might as well go ask, too." A while later he came out and said "I got a job!". The first brother said "Why in the world would he hire you and not us?" The third brother said "Well, I told him I was a pilot."
The second brother said "Yea, but you can't pile it 'til we saw it!"0 -
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE
The Parking Ticket
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example,
the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out
a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.0 -
This guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and took him into a great, beautiful, magnificent building. The guy notices clocks everywhere. He asks St. Peter what the clocks are for.
St. Peter says that each person on earth has a clock. Not for their death but for how many times they lied in their lives.
The guy goes to one clock and it read zero on the clock. He asked whose clock this one was.
St. Peter said it was Sister Teresas clock. She told no lies.
The guy then asked about a clock that said two lies.
St. Peter said that the clock was Abe Lincolns clock. For he only told two lies.
The guy then thought a few seconds. He said I would like to see John Kerry's clock.
St. Peter said, We don't keep that one in here, we keep it in the entrance way, we needed a fan in that room.0 -
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady waddled into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous and stacked 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'0 -
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.0 -
TRAFFIC CONTROL
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but alas, as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was SO heavy and
SO fast that his chickens were being run over at the rate of three to six a day.
So one day, Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got
to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all
of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care," answered Farmer John, " just do something about those crazy
drivers!"
So the next day, the sheriff had the county workers erect a sign that
said.... SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING.
Three days later, Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to
do something about these drivers. The "School Crossing" sign seems to make
them go even faster."
So again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new
sign... SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called
every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure
thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just
about ANYTHING to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided
to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers? Did you
put up your own sign?"
"Oh, sure I did, and not one chicken has been killed since, but I'm very
busy and I've got to go," Farmer John replied and hung up.
The sheriff was really curious now and he though to himself, "I'd better
go out there and take a look at that sign...it might be something WE could
use to slow down drivers."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the
moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood...
NUDIST COLONY ....
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
.
"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 17850
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