First Bad Jokes of the Year
CATHOLIC DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Wh y didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years , many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you
forget to zip down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little ba$tards!"
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Wh y didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years , many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you
forget to zip down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her
husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little ba$tards!"
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[:D][:D][:D] 0 -
Three men wind up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at them and says before I let you in I need to know how each of you died.
The first man replied, "Well I was walking down the street by this apartment building. Next thing I know this refridgerator falls on me from the 14th floor. Wham I'm dead"
St. Peter lets him through the gates.
The second guy replies, "Well I thought my wife might be having an affair, so I came home early one day. I burst through the door and heard her moving around in the bedroom. I went in and she was naked and sweaty. I got so upset I picked up the refridgerator and threw it out the window of our 14th floor apartment. Unfortunately the weight caused me to have a heart attack and die."
"I see", says St. Peter. "Well come on in anyway"
The thrid man says, "For weeks I had been seeing this beautiful woman at the bar I frequent. She never told me she was married. One day I follow her home to her apartment, number 1407. We go inside and are making love when the front door bangs open. She grabs my hand and tells me it her husband, quickly hide. So I go and hide in the refridgerator......."0 -
Enjoyed!![:D][:D][:D][:D] 0 -
[:D][:D][:D] Funny yet true!!![:0] 0
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