Joke
sorry no time take the >> out.
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
0
-
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE
The Parking Ticket
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example,
the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out
a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving
a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.0 -
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."0 -
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Gassman,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Gassman, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where t he antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.0 -
An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"
The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in four weeks"
The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another person, and have them both looking for work in just two weeks!"
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well," he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an jerk out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"0 -
I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President,
what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd
give food and houses to all the homeless people." "Wow - what a worthy goal!" I told her. "You
don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds,
and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then, I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house." She thought that over for a few
moments because she's only 6 years old. And while her Mom glared at me, the young child looked me straight in the
eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her folks still aren't talking to me.0 -
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work."
"The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long..."
Visit
http://www.cafepress.com/RightToBearArms for great Second Amendment Merchandise!0 -
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida everglades while
on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in
the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you
go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined
to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving
>> home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky
water, shotgun in hand. As he grinds his car to a stop, he sees a huge
9-foot gator swim ming r apidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the
blond takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery
bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The
shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde
struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling
her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration: ' WELL CRAP ! THIS
ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!'0 -
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!0 -
A man is running down his hallway after he heard a bump in the night, all of a sudden out of no where a man appears. Not having time to raise his weapon the man if forced to surrender to the intruder.
CLICK!, the man turns around and sees the indtruder racking the slide and ejecting a steel cased round, raises up and CLICK, by then the man had tooken the intuders weapon away and a round did go off(finnaly) striking the intruder in the head killing him. (though seemeing afuwl dirty)
Years later when the man dies he is in heaven asking God some questions he has always wanted to know one of them being, "why when the intruder broke into my house, you kept the rounds from going off and WHY? were they so dirty."
God simply replied," Oh no, it was not me... (look down)
It was Wolf[:D][:D]0 -
Panda walks into a bar-The Bartender cant believe it!Damn,i cant believe what im seeing!What,ll it be Panda? Lettuce and a Bud Lite,responds Panda.Sure,commin up!Panda munches on lettuce while casually sipping his beer.Everyone enjoys seeing the Panda and wants to buy his next beer.Finally the Panda gets up,pulls an Uzi out of his fur and starts shooting up the Bar.Glasses and liquor bottles exploding,pure pandemonium! Then the Panda calmly walks toward the door.Bartender peeks over Bar-Panda,why did you shoot up my Bar? Im a Panda,look it up.Bartender grabs a dictionary and looks it up.PANDA-Black and white Mammal indigenous to Western China,eats chutes and leaves. 0 -
THE BACON TREE
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable,
when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I am sure of eet."
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee."
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there in the distance is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree."
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't
forget."
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no
meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters,
Pepe
following closely behind, when all of a sudden a
machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear
he
is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn
Pepe
with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...........
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
Ees.....
a HAM BUSH!0 -
I LOVE MUSTARD (a true story):
>If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham
>sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce
>and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw
>aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up
>with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny
>(our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced
>between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich
>when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no
>napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down
>faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue
>protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys
>do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing
>so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard "Poupon.'"
>When you stop laughing, pass it on.
SSgt Ryan E. Roberts, USMC0 -
Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.0 -
A city fellow went to a dude ranch out west. He was asking one of the resident cowboys about his attire. "Why do you guys wear those big hats?" "Well" replied the cowboy, "the big hat is to keep the sun off our face and neck during a long day in the saddle."
"Why does your shirt have snaps instead of buttons?" The cowboy replied "If we get up in the brush, and the limbs catch our clothes, the snaps will come unsnapped, whereas if we had buttons, the brush would tear the buttons off."
"I undertand, but why are all you guys wearing tennis shoes instead of cowboy boots?" asked the dude. "Oh," replied the cowboy, "that's so no one will mistake us for a truck driver."0 -
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
> >Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at
> >the
> >table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
> >playing standing up.
> >
> >Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to
tell
> >Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
> >
> >They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to
be
> >discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
> >
> >"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion
> >is
> >me middle name. Leave it to me."
> >
> >Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy
> >answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just
lost
> >$500 and is afraid to come home."
> >
> >"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
> >
> >"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher
[:D]
Ben0 -
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road
when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,
"I'm trying to poop!"0 -
Yummy Fingers!
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger[:0][:0]0 -
Collections
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?"
''He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money." the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno ."0 -
quote:
Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every
few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the
quiet and said: "Well, dumb ass, stop clapping!"0 -
Famous rorn star Ron Jeremy was called to serve on a panel to decide the quilt or innocence of a defendant in a trial. It was a hung jury... 0 -
Guy comes home from fishing Sunday morning and plops down in the easy chair to watch the football game. He yells to his wife: "Honey, how about fixin' me a couple of sandwiches, it's about to start." She fixes his sandwiches and brings them to him. "Could you turn the t.v. on, it's about to start." She lets out a big sigh and turns on the t.v. and storms back into the kitchen. "Could you bring me a beer" he shouts "it's about to start". She opens the fridge, grabs a beer, slams the door and drops it into his lap.
"All you do is fish, drink, and watch football. I swear I gettin' dang tired of it! You never take me anywhere. You never help me around the house..."
He mumbles under his breath:
"It's started"0 -
One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."0 -
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to
have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect
at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I
let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'
'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch
hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as
I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony an d
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over
the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died
almost instantly.'
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day
It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.
A few seconds later Donald Trump a r rived at the gates..
'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like
when you died.'
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got
a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and
bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It
falls the 25 floors and lands on top of m e, killing me instantly.'
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could
get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel
announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too
shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's
head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day
you died.'
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......'0 -
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE
BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND
THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND!
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.
UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE
TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M
THIRTY- FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER
GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM
ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW0 -
A Country boy from Kentucky walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The
loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Countryboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Kentucky Countryboy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"0 -
Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I
know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about
Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your
friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just
on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba,
who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack
and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came
out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on
the balcony with Bubba"?0 -
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen
crabs, and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for
him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty
manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what
would happen if she let them thaw out
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before
landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire
cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.0 -
After an evening having sex with a new lover a man looks on her nightstand and notices a picture of a man, worried he asks her:
"Is that your husband?"
"No" she answers "I'm not married"
"Is that your boyfriend?"
"No, till tonight I haven't been seeing any one"
"Is that your brother?"
"No, I'm an only child"
Then finally he ask "May I ask who that is?"
She answers.....
Wait for it.......
"That's me before the surgery"0 -
Never fear, the annointed one is back home. [xx(][8] 0 -
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."0
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