Sanford & Son
these dudes used to crack me up.
Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man ya know that?
Fred Sanford: And I'm gonna be one 'till I'm a dead old man.
Fred Sanford: I still want to sow some wild oats.
Lamont Sanford: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long.
Fred Sanford: That's real super king sized ain't it?
Fred Sanford: Now she's got TB.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred Sanford: Terrific Body.
Melvin: Did you listen to your father?
Fred Sanford: Every time he raised that strap, he had my complete attention.
Fred Sanford: Tell him in Puerto Rican - "Goat-o, get out of el house-o."
Aunt Esther: Who you calling Ugly Sucka?
Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly. You so ugly I could press your face into some dough and make some gorilla cookies.
Fred Sanford: On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?
Aunt Esther: Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack.
Fred Sanford: Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich!
Lamont Sanford: She's gonna be competing with her own peers.
Fred Sanford: Her Peers?
Lamont Sanford: Yes.
Fred Sanford: You mean Godzilla is in the contest?
Fred Sanford: Polly-Esther - that's you. Half woman, half parrot!
Fred Sanford: Who is it?
Aunt Esther: It's Esther!
Fred Sanford: Esther who?
Aunt Esther: You know Esther who! Open this door fool!
Fred Sanford: I can't open the door!
Aunt Esther: Why not?
Fred Sanford: You too ugly!
Lamont Sanford: These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault.
Fred Sanford: Well what was wrong with the old one?
Fred Sanford: Looky here. This is the bedroom.
[Slams door]
Fred Sanford: Second bedroom.
[Slams door]
Fred Sanford: Sun room.
[Slams door]
Fred Sanford: Bathroom.
Lamont Sanford: HEY!
Fred Sanford: Excuse me.
[Slams door]
Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down.
Fred Sanford: And this Louisville slugger will knock you out.
Aunt Esther: Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.
Fred Sanford: Well somebody better call the zoo.
Fred Sanford: Ain't you got some work to do, Oleo?
Julio: The name is Julio, Mr. Stanford.
Fred Sanford: It's "Sanford", Julio.
Julio: Okay, then.
Fred Sanford: Why don't you clean your yard up? Go take a bath. Go milk your goat.
Julio: I did all that this morning, man.
Fred Sanford: Well, why don't you go back to Puerto Rico?
Julio: Mr. Sanford, I told you. I come from New York City. And I can live in any 50 states that I want.
Fred Sanford: Well, how about Alaska? That's a state.
Lamont Sanford: You know what they say, the truth will set you free.
Fred Sanford: Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months.
Grady Wilson: She can't stay here, because there isn't any room.
Aunt Esther: That's what they told the baby Jesus but they found him a place.
Grady Wilson: Okay, I'll build you a little manger out in the back yard and get you some sheep to sleep with.
Fred comes home drunk]
Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, you just a messy fool.
Fred Sanford: And you just a sessy pool.
Aunt Esther: Today is my lucky day.
Fred Sanford: Why? Did you look at yourself in the mirror and it didn't break?
Julio: Buenos Dias, Mr. Sanford.
Fred Sanford: And beans and disease to you, too.
[Lamont bought 2 coffins at an auction and is trying to convince Fred of their worth]
Lamont Sanford: C'mon pop, we're gonna make a killin' on these.
Fred Sanford: Well then why don't you make two killin's and get them outta here.
Fred Sanford: I'm 65. People say I look 55. I feel 45. I'd settle for 35 and you make me feel 25.
Lamont Sanford: This house was always damp, even my bed was damp.
Fred Sanford: Now you can't go blaming that on me.
Officer Hopkins: When we're finished, people will be able to walk down the streets safely in Los Angeles.
Fred Sanford: Yeah they can walk in Los Angeles, but they'll still be running in Watts.
Lamont Sanford: [Holding a dented hub cap] Do I put this in H.C.: Hub Cap.
Fred Sanford: No, you put that in G.C.: Garbage Can.
Fred Sanford: Don't cut your leg on any rusty metal. Know what happens when you cut your leg on rusty metal?
Jason: No.
Fred Sanford: You get lock-jaw, then you can't eat no fat burgers.
Lamont Sanford: This is a pea coat.
Bubba: Did you know that when you bought it?
Donna Harris: Where are you going?
Fred Sanford: [drunk] St. Louis. On the banks of the Misississippi. M-I-S... I-S-S... M-O-U-S-E.
Lamont Sanford: [about his cologne] It's called "A Day in Paris".
Fred Sanford: Smells more like "A Night in El Segundo".
Fred Sanford: [singing] I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I like to go swimmin'/With bowlegged women/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
Lamont Sanford: Don't be ridiculous, Pop, you can't fight a traffic ticket.
Fred Sanford: I'm not being ridiclous. You are. Now look, you get a ticket by a white cop in a blue uniform in a black neighborhood, making you so mad you see red. And you ain't gonna fight it 'cause you too yellow. Now what are you? A man or a box of crayons?
Aunt Esther: My body was blessed by Mother Nature, honey.
Fred Sanford: And as you got older, it was cursed by Father Time.
Fred Sanford: Take out the trash Rollo.
Rollo Larson: Where is it Mr. Sanford?
Fred Sanford: It's in your shoes!
Fred Sanford: [to Ah Chew and Esther] My two favorite diseases in the same room. Yellow Jaundice and the Black Plague.
Fred Sanford: I brought you somethin' too, Esther.
Aunt Esther: Why, that's nothing but a clear piece of plastic.
Fred Sanford: No, it ain't. Put it up to your face. That's your Halloween mask.
Lamont Sanford: Would you like a drink, Aunt Esther?
Fred Sanford: No, she wouldn't like a drink.
Aunt Esther: Why wouldn't I like a drink?
Fred Sanford: Because you *are* a drink... a Zombie.
Aunt Esther: Fred, I need your help.
Fred Sanford: But, Esther, I'm a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.
Aunt Esther: But, Fred, I need your truck.
Fred Sanford: I agree. Son, take the truck and run over Esther's face.
Aunt Esther: We're not going to have this baby like you had Lamont.
Fred Sanford: You gonna to have this baby on purpose?
Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man ya know that?
Fred Sanford: And I'm gonna be one 'till I'm a dead old man.
Fred Sanford: I still want to sow some wild oats.
Lamont Sanford: At your age, you don't have no wild oats, you got shredded wheat.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long.
Fred Sanford: That's real super king sized ain't it?
Fred Sanford: Now she's got TB.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred Sanford: Terrific Body.
Melvin: Did you listen to your father?
Fred Sanford: Every time he raised that strap, he had my complete attention.
Fred Sanford: Tell him in Puerto Rican - "Goat-o, get out of el house-o."
Aunt Esther: Who you calling Ugly Sucka?
Fred Sanford: I'm calling you ugly. You so ugly I could press your face into some dough and make some gorilla cookies.
Fred Sanford: On behalf of Elizabeth, would you care for something to eat?
Aunt Esther: Oh I wouldn't mind a little snack.
Fred Sanford: Son, go in the kitchen and fix your Aunt Esther a fish-head sandwich!
Lamont Sanford: She's gonna be competing with her own peers.
Fred Sanford: Her Peers?
Lamont Sanford: Yes.
Fred Sanford: You mean Godzilla is in the contest?
Fred Sanford: Polly-Esther - that's you. Half woman, half parrot!
Fred Sanford: Who is it?
Aunt Esther: It's Esther!
Fred Sanford: Esther who?
Aunt Esther: You know Esther who! Open this door fool!
Fred Sanford: I can't open the door!
Aunt Esther: Why not?
Fred Sanford: You too ugly!
Lamont Sanford: These two Russian seismologists said they've discovered a new fault.
Fred Sanford: Well what was wrong with the old one?
Fred Sanford: Looky here. This is the bedroom.
[Slams door]
Fred Sanford: Second bedroom.
[Slams door]
Fred Sanford: Sun room.
[Slams door]
Fred Sanford: Bathroom.
Lamont Sanford: HEY!
Fred Sanford: Excuse me.
[Slams door]
Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, the wrath of God will strike you down.
Fred Sanford: And this Louisville slugger will knock you out.
Aunt Esther: Woodrow and I are going to have a baby.
Fred Sanford: Well somebody better call the zoo.
Fred Sanford: Ain't you got some work to do, Oleo?
Julio: The name is Julio, Mr. Stanford.
Fred Sanford: It's "Sanford", Julio.
Julio: Okay, then.
Fred Sanford: Why don't you clean your yard up? Go take a bath. Go milk your goat.
Julio: I did all that this morning, man.
Fred Sanford: Well, why don't you go back to Puerto Rico?
Julio: Mr. Sanford, I told you. I come from New York City. And I can live in any 50 states that I want.
Fred Sanford: Well, how about Alaska? That's a state.
Lamont Sanford: You know what they say, the truth will set you free.
Fred Sanford: Your uncle Edgar told the truth, and the judge gave him six months.
Grady Wilson: She can't stay here, because there isn't any room.
Aunt Esther: That's what they told the baby Jesus but they found him a place.
Grady Wilson: Okay, I'll build you a little manger out in the back yard and get you some sheep to sleep with.
Fred comes home drunk]
Aunt Esther: Fred Sanford, you just a messy fool.
Fred Sanford: And you just a sessy pool.
Aunt Esther: Today is my lucky day.
Fred Sanford: Why? Did you look at yourself in the mirror and it didn't break?
Julio: Buenos Dias, Mr. Sanford.
Fred Sanford: And beans and disease to you, too.
[Lamont bought 2 coffins at an auction and is trying to convince Fred of their worth]
Lamont Sanford: C'mon pop, we're gonna make a killin' on these.
Fred Sanford: Well then why don't you make two killin's and get them outta here.
Fred Sanford: I'm 65. People say I look 55. I feel 45. I'd settle for 35 and you make me feel 25.
Lamont Sanford: This house was always damp, even my bed was damp.
Fred Sanford: Now you can't go blaming that on me.
Officer Hopkins: When we're finished, people will be able to walk down the streets safely in Los Angeles.
Fred Sanford: Yeah they can walk in Los Angeles, but they'll still be running in Watts.
Lamont Sanford: [Holding a dented hub cap] Do I put this in H.C.: Hub Cap.
Fred Sanford: No, you put that in G.C.: Garbage Can.
Fred Sanford: Don't cut your leg on any rusty metal. Know what happens when you cut your leg on rusty metal?
Jason: No.
Fred Sanford: You get lock-jaw, then you can't eat no fat burgers.
Lamont Sanford: This is a pea coat.
Bubba: Did you know that when you bought it?
Donna Harris: Where are you going?
Fred Sanford: [drunk] St. Louis. On the banks of the Misississippi. M-I-S... I-S-S... M-O-U-S-E.
Lamont Sanford: [about his cologne] It's called "A Day in Paris".
Fred Sanford: Smells more like "A Night in El Segundo".
Fred Sanford: [singing] I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man/I like to go swimmin'/With bowlegged women/I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.
Lamont Sanford: Don't be ridiculous, Pop, you can't fight a traffic ticket.
Fred Sanford: I'm not being ridiclous. You are. Now look, you get a ticket by a white cop in a blue uniform in a black neighborhood, making you so mad you see red. And you ain't gonna fight it 'cause you too yellow. Now what are you? A man or a box of crayons?
Aunt Esther: My body was blessed by Mother Nature, honey.
Fred Sanford: And as you got older, it was cursed by Father Time.
Fred Sanford: Take out the trash Rollo.
Rollo Larson: Where is it Mr. Sanford?
Fred Sanford: It's in your shoes!
Fred Sanford: [to Ah Chew and Esther] My two favorite diseases in the same room. Yellow Jaundice and the Black Plague.
Fred Sanford: I brought you somethin' too, Esther.
Aunt Esther: Why, that's nothing but a clear piece of plastic.
Fred Sanford: No, it ain't. Put it up to your face. That's your Halloween mask.
Lamont Sanford: Would you like a drink, Aunt Esther?
Fred Sanford: No, she wouldn't like a drink.
Aunt Esther: Why wouldn't I like a drink?
Fred Sanford: Because you *are* a drink... a Zombie.
Aunt Esther: Fred, I need your help.
Fred Sanford: But, Esther, I'm a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.
Aunt Esther: But, Fred, I need your truck.
Fred Sanford: I agree. Son, take the truck and run over Esther's face.
Aunt Esther: We're not going to have this baby like you had Lamont.
Fred Sanford: You gonna to have this baby on purpose?
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Red could tell some blue jokes and would keep you rolling. Lamont gave up acting and became and still is a preacher. 0 -
Another famous quote from the show-
"She was as pure as the driven snow."
"Yea, but who was doing the driving?"0 -
[:D]
Don0 -
...Great show. The show now would probably never make it to air with the suck-butt PC climate which prevails today.
As a kid, I watched Amos & Andy...from what I remember they were hilarious, but alas...the PC crowd decided it was not in anyones "good" interest to watch such "racist" behaviour. A shame that these two guys have faded into obsurity because of the PC crowd
...I guess any show that makes fun of redneck behaviour should be banned also, less we offend rednecks...[xx(][;)]0 -
oh yeah. I got these from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068128/quotes go there and look for the n-word, he's got those too but I'm sure if I posted them here it woulda got poofed.
I think I remember hearing those words on TV.0 -
I'm a commin Elizibeth! This is the big one!
I still watch it on TVland from time to time.0 -
Gorilla Cookies.
I 'bout bust a gut.0 -
One of my all time favs. 0 -
"If your mother and I knew we were going to have such a foolish and irresponsible son, we would have been more responsible that foolish night thirty years ago." Fred Sanford. 0 -
YOU BIG DUMMY 0 -
"Its a mixture of champagne and Ripple. We call it Cham-pipple!"[:)] 0 -
One of my favorite S&S exchanges was when Lamont was trying to get Fred to watch and control his high blood pressure, saying that high blood pressure and related CV problems were the leading cause of death among black men.
Fred's response, "Hunh? I thought it was the po-lice."0 -
Where has all the good TV gone? That was a great show and still is. Red was a very entertaining and talented man. He could get you laughing without using a single profanity. 0
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