joke

Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

quote:

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The group waiting on the tee playing behind her was from Washington, DC and included Barack Obama.

Barack quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave when he said,"I'm Barack Obama and I hope you'll vote Democratic in the next election".

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head !"

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please,excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind & can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," replied the bunny. "I'm blind and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly, and you have long silky ears and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny replied, "I can't thank you enough! But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny
agreed to examine him.

When the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an animal
am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery and you haven't got any balls. You must be a Democrat."

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to
have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect
at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I
let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem,' the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch
hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I
immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as
I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony an d
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke
his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands
on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over
the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died
almost instantly.'

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day
It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven,' and let him in.

A few seconds later Donald Trump a r rived at the gates..

'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like
when you died.'

Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a
lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got
a little carried away, slipped and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts
cussing and stomps on my fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and
bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating
pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It
falls the 25 floors and lands on top of m e, killing me instantly.'

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could
get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel
announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too
shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's
head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day
you died.'

Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......'

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

About those Church Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER."

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

After an evening having sex with a new lover a man looks on her nightstand and notices a picture of a man, worried he asks her:

"Is that your husband?"

"No" she answers "I'm not married"

"Is that your boyfriend?"

"No, till tonight I haven't been seeing any one"

"Is that your brother?"

"No, I'm an only child"

Then finally he ask "May I ask who that is?"

She answers.....

Wait for it.......

"That's me before the surgery"

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a
turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her
to deflect it.

Eventually, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
you stupid Catholic b---h."

She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they smell your fingers,
you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-humper."

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

You knew it would happen.

nunn

Edit: Yeah, I figured as much.

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and & pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this.... I'm naked..... hiding inside a refrigerator......"

The gene pool needs chlorine.

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please do you have water?". The Jew replied "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes". The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK" said the old Jew, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about 4 miles you will find a very nice restaurant. Go! Walf that way. THe restaurant has all the water you can drink."

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish mans table. The Jew said "I told you the restaurant with the water is over the hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it" the Aarab rasped "But your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!" Gunn Landry

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference...The Marines don't have that problem" Ronald Reagan

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

Priest was hanging a picture on the wall and hit his thumb with the hammer, "Damn it" he hollered, the Nun heard him and said Father, you know that if you talk like that God will strike you with lightning. The father swung the hammer again , again hitting his thumb, "Damn it" he hollered, all at once a bolt of lightning shot through the roof, and missing the Father, hit and destroyed the organ,, out of the sky came this voice "Damn it I missed again"

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each ofyou one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With=2 0the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

The husband was getting his underwear out of his drawer. He asked his wife, "Honey why did you put powder in my underwear? His wife replied, "That's not powder, that's Miracle Gro"

"Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, not liberty to purchase power."
Benjamin Franklin, 1785

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

You're gonna love it...

It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

His name was Bubba, he was from Alabama ... And he needed a loan, So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International Redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a brand new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer
agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the South for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from University Alabama, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
His name was BUBBA.... Keep an eye on those southern boys!
Just because we talk funny does not mean we are stupid.

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at
midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the
latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is
sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care
of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors
and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes
even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic
about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job
deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to
personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands
tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman
in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11
months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty
good to me. I have one stripe; its 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is
40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump poop out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

An old prospector shuffled into the town
of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed
straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really
wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe
blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man say, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This beocmes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offed me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll alwasy be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs..

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A NEW PASTOR WAS VISITING IN THE HOMES OF HIS PARISHIONERS. AT ONE HOUSE IT SEEMED OBVIOUS THAT SOMEONE WAS AT HOME, BUT NO ANSWER CAME TO HIS REPEATED KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.

THEREFORE, HE TOOK OUT A BUSINESS CARD AND WROTE "REVELATION 3:20" ON THE BACK OF IT AND STUCK IT IN THE DOOR.

WHEN THE OFFERING WAS PROCESSED THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, HE FOUND THAT HIS CARD HAD BEEN RETURNED. ADDED TO IT WAS THIS CRYPTIC MESSAGE, "GENESIS 3:10."

REACHING FOR HIS BIBLE TO CHECK OUT THE CITATION, HE BROKE UP IN
GALES OF LAUGHTER. REVELATION 3:20 BEGINS "BEHOLD, I STAND AT THE DOOR AND KNOCK." GENESIS 3:10 READS, "I HEARD YOUR VOICE IN THE GARDEN AND I WAS AFRAID FOR I WAS NAKED."

REMEMBER WHEN THE FUNNIEST JOKES WERE THE CLEAN ONES? THEY STILL ARE!

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A man approaches a young lady at a bar and says:

'Gee, you remind me of my little toe.'

She giggles, and asks:

'Is that because I'm so small and cute.'

'No', he replies.

'It's because I think I'm gonna get drunk tonight and bang you on the coffee-table.'

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... Etc.

She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Schmit."

You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose!

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

Queen Elizabeth
and

Dolly Parton

die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately,

there's only one space left that day,

so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,

"Look at these,

they're the most
perfect breasts

God ever created,

and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day,

for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly,

and asks

Her Majesty the same question.

The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

shakes it up, and gargles.

Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel
says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks,

"What was that all about?

I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She spits into a
commode and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,

"but even in Heaven,

a royal flush

beats a pair -

no matter how big they are.

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A couple of gay guys were walking down the street. A pretty blond suddenly pops out of a local shop and walks past them.
One the the gay guys looks back at her and sighs to the other one, Gosh, it's times like that I wish I were a lesbian.

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

First Irish Farmer:"my cow fell down a hole and i had to shoot it." Second Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?" First Irish Farmer: "Nope.....in the head"

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

Kermit the frog found out he had Swine Flu.. The last thing he said was "That pig said she was clean!"

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha's Vineyard . She slipped and fell.

Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered "It was a pleasure to help you. Don't you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? "

The elderly woman laughed and replied: ''No way, I fell on my but ... not on my head......

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

I got this in my email today. If its been posted already, please ignore.

>> >A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were
>> > sitting in their pews and talking.
>> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
>> > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
>> > trampling
>> > each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
>> > Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly
> sitting
>> > in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
>> > ultimate enemy was in his presence.
>> > So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
>> > "Yep, sure do."
>> > "Aren't you afraid of me?"
>> > "Nope, sure ain't."
>> > "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
>> > "Don't doubt it for a minute."
>> > "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
> agony
>> > for all eternity??"
>> > "Yep", was the calm reply.
>> > "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
>> > "Nope."
>> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
>> > afraid
>> > of
>> > me?"
>> > The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68
>> > years."

[:)][:)]

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Dakota308

July 26, 2007 07:36

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing theTexas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
breathed his last breath,

when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out
of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and
discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management
Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There is a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a
pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I
work....You have three wishes.

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy...'I'm
not going to trust a FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides
that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of
food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis
he has ever seen
and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters o
f delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure
chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says....
'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going
to be a string attached.

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