funny
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i thought id just pop by & leave you this..have a chuckle..[:D]
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. [:D]0 -
when all else fails........................0 -
A father was walking past his five yr old daughter who was home sick from school and thought it would be funny to play the old "daddy's gonna eat your fingers bit with her. He took her hand and inserted it into his mouth. His daughter giggled histerically and the father was elated to hear his child laugh so enthusiastically. As the father began to walk away the little girl asked,
"Daddy, wheres my booger"?
When Clinton left office they gave him a 21 gun salute. Its a damn shame they all missed....0 -
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The Mole Family
-- A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles
are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell
is....
Scroll down.......
Get ready.....
Are you sure you're ready?
You may never forgive me for this one...
MOLASSES[:D]
Love them Beavers
SUPPORT THE I.N.S. , THE COUNTRY THEY SAVE COULD BE YOUR OWN0 -
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Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers
Dear Ma & Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.0 -
political rhapsody
http://madblast.com/view.cfm?type=FunFlash&display=31690 -
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"My faith, my country and my family will guide me; nothing more, nothing less" -Gen. Tommy Franks0 -
Passive aggresiveness! i just found this site, its all these passive aggressive notes people leave for each other. Some have bad language, so beware. http://passiveaggressivenotes.wordpress.com/page/11/ 0 -
From an auction:
Information added 11/11/2013 3:31:43 PM]
I now accept Pay Pal + 3.5 % for payment.
[Information added 6/14/2014 10:06:03 AM]
As of NOW, I no longer accept Pay Pal as they are SCUMBAGS.
I guess paypal schooled him.0 -
watch it all the way it get very funny about halfway
sorry if this has been posted before
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WpD7i4RxnY&mode=related&search=0 -
The pharmacist found a customer leaning against a wall inside his shop. He asks his newly-hired clerk why the man is leaning against the wall. Clerk: He wanted some cough medicine but since I couldn't find any, I gave him laxatives instead. Pharmacist: Laxatives don't help against coughs! Sure it does see he wont dare to cough! [:0] 0 -
Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank y...ou very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"0 -
A middle-aged woman
Seemed sheepish as she
Visited her gynaecologist.
'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,
'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'
'This one's kind of strange...'
'Let me be the judge of that,'
The doctor replied.
'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of cents.'
'I see.'
'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,
Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were dollars !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,
'I'm scared out of my wits!'
The gynaecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.
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'You're simply going through the change![:D]0 -
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over a tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?
'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.
In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took from another, sprayed the rest of the terrorists, killing another 11.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'
'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three jerks report that I was the aggressor....?'
Semper Fi!0 -
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite...what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it hasa penis...AND a brain?"
when all else fails........................0 -
A sweet old lady is asked to say Grace at a gathering of her seniors home and she brought down the houseconds into her prayer. Enjoy!
http://stg.do/9i0c0 -
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,........
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!0 -
this may be old but its still funny
(This is what is called tenacity.)
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and is so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her
for February and March for their annual service
charges on her credit card and added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late
fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds
division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
(I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling
you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply."
(This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery ,
Highway 129, Plot Number 69." ;
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?0 -
BECAUSE OF THE RECENT TERRORIST ACTIVITY,
IT IS PRUDENT FOR SECURITY REASONS
TO HAVE A MUSLIM NAME.
SO...........FROM NOW ON,
PLEASE CALL ME BY MY NEW MUSLIM NAME:
SELDOM BIN LAYED
Larry0 -
i watched this 3 times and i still laughed
http://www.wimp.com./doorprank/0 -
Its business time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGOohBytKTU&feature=related0 -
http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/~jon/humor/web_animations/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf
[}:)] [:D] [:)] [:p] [^]
ATF0 -
The topic on the Feral Cat reminded me. I drove a different way around town yesterday.
Was looking for a place to eat, when what do I notice a Chinese place I had not seen before. With a dog grooming place right next door.
That's one place I would not take a dog to be groomed.0 -
Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051, when you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise! Keep going and press 4. Listen to the options...then press 7. If it is busy it is worth it to redial a few times--enjoy 0
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