Military Jokes
I have noticed that a lot of individuals on this forum are current or former military. With that in mind, I know that the different services like to bust on each other. So for some light-hearted humor, how about posting some jokes relating to the military.
Please keep them relatively clean and NO HATEFUL JOKES.
TROLLS NEED NOT APPLY!
Here is mine:
A Marine General, an Army General and a Navy Admiral were walking along one day arguing about whose men had more courage.
The Marine General says "My men are the most couragous men you have ever seen. Watch this." He looks over and yells at a passing Marine. "Marine!"
"Sir, yes Sir!" replies the Marine.
"Pull out your service weapon and shoot yourself in the foot!"
"Sir, yes SIR!" And he does it.
"Now that is courage." says the General.
The Army General says "That is nothing. Watch this."
He looks over and spys a group of soldiers walking by.
"Soldiers!"
"Sir, yes Sir!" they reply.
"You see that tank driving by? I want you men to stand in front of it and stop it with your bare hands!"
"HooRahhh!" they yell and run to the tank and jump in front of it. It doesn't slow down at all.
"Now THAT is courage!" states the Army General.
"That is nothing." says the Admiral. "Watch this."
He looks up and sees a sailor all the way at the top of a radar mast on an aircraft carrier.
"SAILOR!" the Admiral yells.
"YEAH?" the sailor yells back.
"I WANT YOU TO JUMP DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"
"F%$K YOU!" replies the sailor.
"Now that, my friends is courage!" says the Admiral.
Please keep them relatively clean and NO HATEFUL JOKES.
TROLLS NEED NOT APPLY!
Here is mine:
A Marine General, an Army General and a Navy Admiral were walking along one day arguing about whose men had more courage.
The Marine General says "My men are the most couragous men you have ever seen. Watch this." He looks over and yells at a passing Marine. "Marine!"
"Sir, yes Sir!" replies the Marine.
"Pull out your service weapon and shoot yourself in the foot!"
"Sir, yes SIR!" And he does it.
"Now that is courage." says the General.
The Army General says "That is nothing. Watch this."
He looks over and spys a group of soldiers walking by.
"Soldiers!"
"Sir, yes Sir!" they reply.
"You see that tank driving by? I want you men to stand in front of it and stop it with your bare hands!"
"HooRahhh!" they yell and run to the tank and jump in front of it. It doesn't slow down at all.
"Now THAT is courage!" states the Army General.
"That is nothing." says the Admiral. "Watch this."
He looks up and sees a sailor all the way at the top of a radar mast on an aircraft carrier.
"SAILOR!" the Admiral yells.
"YEAH?" the sailor yells back.
"I WANT YOU TO JUMP DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"
"F%$K YOU!" replies the sailor.
"Now that, my friends is courage!" says the Admiral.
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Don't have any service-related jokes handy, but I saw a great bumper sticker the other day
"I'd rather have a sister in a brothel than a brother in the Navy"0 -
What, no Air Force? 0 -
I like that bumper sticker. LOL 0 -
I made a joke once about a Marine and was called deplorable and despicable...and that was by a GB moderator, you should have heard what the other members had to say! 0 -
quote:Originally posted by kristov
I made a joke once about a Marine and was called deplorable and despicable...and that was by a GB moderator, you should have heard what the other members had to say!
Ah yes, the infamous "Maniacal" spat......a good time was had by all!0 -
[:D][:D][:D] I'm not good with jokes, but I've heard many good ones. 0 -
quote:Originally posted by catpealer111
What, no Air Force?
And from another thread:
quote:Originally posted by catpealer111
The Eiffel Tower looks like a giant phallus.
Is there some type of connection here?
[}:)][:D]0 -
What is the difference between an air force pilot and a jet engine?
A jet engine stops whining after it lands.
AIR FORCE MAINTENANCE
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution 1: #2 Propeller seepage normal. #1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: Number three engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
VIEWPOINTS
An Army grunt sitting in a foxhole, eating MREs and wearing 50lbs of gear after having marched 12 miles, says: "This sucks."
A Navy seaman sitting on his 5' X 2' bunk, in a closet-sized room smelling of oil and rolling from the waves, which he shares with 6 other men, after not having seen the sky for 30 days says: "this really sucks".
A marine, doing push-ups in the mud during a downpour, after an 18 mile march with 60 lbs of gear, says: "I love the way this sucks, oorah!"
The special forces green beret crawling through a leech-infested swamp, eating nothing but bugs and tree bark for 6 days, sneaking around past armed terrorists, says: "I wish this could suck some more!"
An Air Force pilot sitting in an easy chair in an air conditioned hotel, holding a remote control, says: "no cable? this sucks!"
COMMO
Airman Jones is at the maintenance duty desk when the phone rings: "Airman, can you tell me the status of tail number 1203?" The voice on the other end asked.
"Well, sir, the #1 engine is due inspection, and the UHF radio needs to be swapped, but fat-ass Johnson won't sign the release order."
"Airman? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No sir."
"This is Major Johnson, the D.O.!"
"Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"Not yet!"
"Bye bye, Fat-Ass!"0 -
How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq
1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.
17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.
18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.
23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.
30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.
32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.
34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.
40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.
[:D]0 -
The Army calls them "choppers".
The Navy calls them "helos".
The marines just point up in the air and mutter."Unh,unh,unh."[:D]0
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