Joke

September 28, 2007 21:09

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied...

"Vietnam."

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work."

"The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long..."

Visit
http://www.cafepress.com/RightToBearArms for great Second Amendment Merchandise!

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to swerve onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work; that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way are bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female who has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? .... I don't think so!!!!!!!

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable,
when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I am sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and there in the distance is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't
forget."

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no
meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters,
Pepe
following closely behind, when all of a sudden a
machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear
he
is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn
Pepe
with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...........

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

a HAM BUSH!

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting on the Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?" Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said," it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the
Classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion
of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an
example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks
him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson,"
that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we
would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev.& Mrs. Jackson were struck by a
missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!"
exclaims Jackson, That's right. And can you tell me why that would be
tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it
probably wouldn't be an accident either."

Guncontrol-The ability to hit what your aiming at.

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an 600SL with a chauffeur."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
It took 20 rabbis 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."

"Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

Sheriff in one of the parishes in Louisiana got wind there was some chicken fighting going on. He called in his best detective and told him to investigate and see who was in on it.

Monday the detective reported back and told the sheriff he'd gotten in, saw the action and knew all of the folks involved. Informed the sheriff that the Aggies from A & M were there. When asked he said they had brought a duck to a chicken fight, Sheriff allowed that it sounded like something the Aggies would do. Who else? Well the Cajuns were involved also. How you know this? Well they was betting on the duck. Sheriff though that sounded like something they would do. Who else? Well the Mafia. Mafia? Why you think that? Well the duck won.[:D][:D][:D][:D]

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

A NEW PASTOR WAS VISITING IN THE HOMES OF HIS PARISHIONERS. AT ONE HOUSE IT SEEMED OBVIOUS THAT SOMEONE WAS AT HOME, BUT NO ANSWER CAME TO HIS REPEATED KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.

THEREFORE, HE TOOK OUT A BUSINESS CARD AND WROTE "REVELATION 3:20" ON THE BACK OF IT AND STUCK IT IN THE DOOR.

WHEN THE OFFERING WAS PROCESSED THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, HE FOUND THAT HIS CARD HAD BEEN RETURNED. ADDED TO IT WAS THIS CRYPTIC MESSAGE, "GENESIS 3:10."

REACHING FOR HIS BIBLE TO CHECK OUT THE CITATION, HE BROKE UP IN
GALES OF LAUGHTER. REVELATION 3:20 BEGINS "BEHOLD, I STAND AT THE DOOR AND KNOCK." GENESIS 3:10 READS, "I HEARD YOUR VOICE IN THE GARDEN AND I WAS AFRAID FOR I WAS NAKED."

REMEMBER WHEN THE FUNNIEST JOKES WERE THE CLEAN ONES? THEY STILL ARE!

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

A little boy was riding his BMX bike one day in the drive way when the little girl next door asked if she could ride his BMX bike. The little boy said,"You see this, this bike is for boys only. Only boys can have these."

Well, she went home and told her mommy what he said. The next day he was riding his bike again and the little girl came over on a brand new bike just like his, but with a basket on the front.

Well this made the little boy upset so he threw his bike to the ground and pouted up to the house.

He came out a little later with a football. He was tossing it in the air and playing in the yard. The little girl saw him and asked if she could play too. He said,"You see this, this football is for boys only. Only boys can have with these."

Well like before she ran home and told her mommy what the little boy had said. The very next day the little girl rode her bike over and she had a new football in the front basket of her bike. She gave a smerk to the little boy and tossed her ball in the air giggling.

The little boy so frustrated, pulled his pants down and pointed to his tally wacker(I guessing this word won't be edited[;)]) and said,"You see this, only boys have these."

Satisfied he had shown the little girl next door who's boss he pulled his pants up and went inside as she stood there in shock.

Later that day he was outside on the lawn and the little girl came right over and approached him. She walked up to him with a big grin on her face.

She pulled her dress up and her panties down and pointed to her private parts and said, " You see this, only girls have these. And my mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"[:0]

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary
school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of
the word "tragedy." So the illustrious Rev. Jackson asks the class for an
example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor
comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'

I'm afraid not, "explains the exalted Reverend Al. That's what we would
call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me
an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern
voice he says: 'If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton
were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you
tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great
loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

A huge billboard sign states -

"Need Help, Call Jesus at 1-800-123-4567"

Wondering who would answer, called 1-800-123-4567 and got an answering machine requesting address of where help was needed. The address was left on the answering machine.

Then next day at 7AM, a mexican kid shows up with a lawnmower.
[:D]

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks the bartender "Is this stool taken?"

Pa rum pum...

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
An! d round ed and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole blessed thing.

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

One day a woman was out selling air freshener. She walks around the city lookin for office buildings and she finds one that is about 100 stories tall. She went in and got on the elevator, she decided to go up to the top floor. When the door closed the elevator took off and gave her a good jolt, she suddenly farted. Embarrassed by her loss of control she decided to cover the horrible smell with her air freshner products. She dug around in her bag and chose to use a pine fresh scent, so she sprays the inside of elevator while she is going up. Somewhere around the 30th floor the elevator stops and an elderly man gets on . She being unsure of air freshner success decides to have a chat with the man. She asks him if he noticed the fresh smell in the elevator when he got on. The man stood straight up, took in a deep breath, thought for a minute or two and tells her " Mam, it smells like someone fooey a pine tree"!

"Keep turnin to the RIGHT"

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that would move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father watched with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to
his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

DarkStar11Walk In Peace...But Carry A Big Stick

Edited by - DarkStar11 on 05/07/2002 15:52:01

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

THE OBAMA NATION PRIMER
The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'

'Not I,' said the cow.

'Not I,' said the duck.

'Not I,' said the pig.

'Not I,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.

'Not I,' said the duck...

'Out of my classification,' said the pig.

'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.

'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.

'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.

'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.

'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.

'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.

'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.

She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'

'Excess profits!' cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)

'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)

'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)

The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)

And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'

'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.

'Exactly,' said Barack the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.'

But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.
(Bread became scarce and the price tripled)

Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared...so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.

EPILOGUE

Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.

IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT ?

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

THE WOMAN POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Will pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

THE MAN POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac gymnast with
big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me hunting, fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a chit.

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

quote:

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

* D on't be arrogant.
* D on't waste ammunition.
* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
* Always make sure you know who is in control.
* And finally, Don't screw around with us old farts;
we didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?!

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

You knew it would happen.

nunn

Edit: Yeah, I figured as much.

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and & pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this.... I'm naked..... hiding inside a refrigerator......"

The gene pool needs chlorine.

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and
dies.
He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for
him.
"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."

The devil led him to the door of
the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Obama looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

Three brothers were laid off at the sawmill. They loaded up in the truck and went looking for another job. They tried every place in town but no one was hiring. As a last resort, one suggested they try the airport. The first brother went in the managers office and asked for a job. "What skills do you have?" the manager asked. "Well, I worked at the sawmill for 20 years" said the brother. "I'm sorry, we don't have anything for you" said the manager. The second brother went in and heard the same response. The third brother said "I might as well go ask, too." A while later he came out and said "I got a job!". The first brother said "Why in the world would he hire you and not us?" The third brother said "Well, I told him I was a pilot."
The second brother said "Yea, but you can't pile it 'til we saw it!"

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Gassman,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Gassman, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where t he antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each ofyou one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With=2 0the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

The first time I read this quote, I thought it was
Dangerously true. Then I really started pondering it and thought how would
This apply to our own lives/careers? Let's look at it again to see how
Absurd it is.

* You couldn't get a job at McDonalds and
Become district manager
After 143 days of experience.

* You couldn't become chief of surgery
After 143 days of experience of being a surgeon.

* You couldn't get a job as a teacher and be
The superintendent after 143 days of experience.

* You couldn't join the military and become a
Colonel after a 143 days of experience.

* You couldn't get a job as a reporter and
Become the nightly news anchor after 143 days of experience.

BUT....
* 'From the time Barack Obama was sworn in
As a United State Senator, to the time he announced he was forming a
Presidential exploratory committee, he logged 143 days of experience in the
Senate.

* That's how many days the Senate was
Actually in session and working.

* After 143 days of work experience, Obama
Believed he was ready to be Commander In Chief,
Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes of Abraham
Lincoln,FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan. 143 days?

We all have to start somewhere. The senate is a
Good start, but after 143 days, that's all it is - a start.

AND, strangely, a large sector of the American
Public seems to feel comfortable with this and
Are campaigning for him.

We wouldn't accept this in our own line of work,
Yet some are OK with this
For the President of the United States of America?

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The old German man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben drin gesheissen.'

Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have crapped in it.'

The man shouts back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'

The old German man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

I LOVE MUSTARD (a true story):
>If you have children you will probably relate to this father. As ham
>sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce
>and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw
>aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up
>with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny
>(our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced
>between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich
>when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no
>napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down
>faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue
>protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys
>do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing
>so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard "Poupon.'"
>When you stop laughing, pass it on.

SSgt Ryan E. Roberts, USMC

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watrulookinat

September 28, 2007 21:09

An old prospector shuffled into the town
of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed
straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really
wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe
blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said,
"No sir...... but... I've always wanted to."

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