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Joke

watrulookinat
sorry no time take the >> out.

Hello?"
>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy.Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
>>Paul."
>>After a brief pause,
>>Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>Paul."
>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with
>>Mommy, right now."
>>Brief Pause.
>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put
>>the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on
>>the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
>>just pulled into the driveway."
>>"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
>>A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
>>phone.
>>"I did it, Daddy."
>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with
>>no clothes on, then she ran around screaming. Then
>>she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
>>and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He
>>was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
>>and into the swimming
>>pool. I guess he didn't know that you took out the
>>water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
>>pool and I think he's dead."
>>***Long Pause***
>>
>>***Longer Pause***
>>***Even Longer Pause***
>>
>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?............Is this 486-5731?"
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Comments

201 comments

Date Votes
  • watrulookinat
    WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS

    I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

    "This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

    I can tell you this...that fly never knew what hit him.
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  • watrulookinat
    Lets start Sat with a joke.
    What is a yankee!
    Te same as a quickie but a guy can do it alone.

    Why is divorce so expensive!
    Because its worth it.

    Why is air a lot like sex!
    Because its no big deal unless you re not getting any,

    Those who live by the sword will be killed by those who dont. Glyn
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  • watrulookinat
    Man driving down road.
    Woman driving up same road.
    They pass each other.
    Woman yells out window, "PIG!"
    Man yells out window, "onager!"
    Man rounds next curve...
    Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

    If only men would listen.

    rcdis
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  • watrulookinat
    An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
    morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
    about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
    plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

    One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
    field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
    began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
    again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

    All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
    smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
    odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
    for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
    approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
    disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the
    old farmer about it.

    So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
    why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
    head and disagreed with all the men.

    The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
    about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
    head in agreement."

    "And what about the men?" the minister asked.

    "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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  • watrulookinat
    A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car. The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
    Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?" "Because you got an F in sex."[:D][:D][:D][:D][:D]
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  • watrulookinat
    I was in a pub last Saturday night. Had a few....and noticed two very large women at the bar.
    They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you ladies from Scotland?"

    One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

    So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

    That's all I remember
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  • watrulookinat
    A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say,"Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination, he continued...Again,"Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said, "Moses."The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus!!
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  • watrulookinat
    After an evening having sex with a new lover a man looks on her nightstand and notices a picture of a man, worried he asks her:

    "Is that your husband?"

    "No" she answers "I'm not married"

    "Is that your boyfriend?"

    "No, till tonight I haven't been seeing any one"

    "Is that your brother?"

    "No, I'm an only child"

    Then finally he ask "May I ask who that is?"

    She answers.....










    Wait for it.......











    "That's me before the surgery"
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  • watrulookinat
    Why do men have 2 heads and a women has 4 lips because men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
    0
  • watrulookinat
    DAMN TRACTOR!

    A farmer has three sons.

    One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

    His father says, "Son, come with me."

    He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, but I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."

    The boy wasn't very happy with that answer but he did understand the situation and said, "Okay, Dad, I understand."

    A week later, his 10 year old son approached saying he was hoping he'd get a two-wheel bicycle for his upcoming birthday.

    Well, of course he got the same answer. "......as soon as that tractor is paid for........ "

    The following month his youngest son began bugging him for a tricycle.

    Again, he got the same lecture about the tractor being paid for first..

    While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little upset about the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly kicked the rooster clean off the hen's back, mumbling to himself as he did.

    His dad says, "Son, that is not an acceptable thing to do to any animal!

    You certainly know better than that! Why on earth would you do something like that when that rooster wasn't bothering you in the least?"

    The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, "Listen, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for."
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  • watrulookinat
    John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.



    This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.



    John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.



    To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.



    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.



    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.





    Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.
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  • watrulookinat
    A terrorist group announces over the radio during a traffic jam thay have kidnapped George Bush, Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton. They say if they dont get 50 million buck theyre going to set them on fire. So hearing this a man gets out of his car and starts asking for donations. He goes car to car and he finally gets to me. I say what are you doing? He says im collecting donations to help this terrorist thing get over with. I said, well how much is everyone giving on average? He says, About a gallon! -dave-
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  • watrulookinat
    Let's see how long- or even if- this gets poofed. I've had people in stiches all day with this joke...
    Apologies if it's already been posted.

    -Plink

    Burt always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some
    on sale one day,he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He
    walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything
    different about me?'

    Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

    Frustrated Burt storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

    Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
    different NOW?'

    Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again Tomorrow.'

    Furious, Burt yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

    'Nope,' she replies.

    'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

    To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Burt. Shoulda bought a hat.'
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  • watrulookinat
    A BUM, WHO OBVIOUSLY HAS SEEN MORE THAN HIS SHARE OF HARD TIMES, APPROACHES A WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN ON THE STREET.
    "HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE TWO BUCKS?"
    THE WELL-DRESSED GENTLEMAN RESPONDS, "YOU AREN'T GOING TO SPEND IT ON LIQUOR, ARE YOU?"
    "NO SIR, I DON'T DRINK", RETORTS THE BUM.
    "YOU AREN'T GOING TO THROW IT AWAY ON SOME FISHING GEAR ARE YOU?" ASKS THE GENTLEMAN.
    "NO WAY, I DON'T FISH", ANSWERS THE BUM.
    "YOU WOULDN'T WASTE THE MONEY ON A HUNTING LICENSE,
    WOULD YOU?" ASKS THE MAN.
    "NEVER", SAYS THE BUM, "I DON'T HUNT".
    "YOU WOULDN'T SPEND IT ON A TWO-BIT WHORE, WOULD YOU?"
    "OH NO", SAYS THE BUM, "I HAVEN'T HAD A WOMAN IN YEARS."

    THE MAN ASKS THE BUM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO COME HOME
    WITH HIM FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL. THE BUM ACCEPTS EAGERLY. WHILE THEY ARE HEADING FOR THE MANS HOUSE, THE BUM'S CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF HIM.


    "ISN'T YOUR WIFE GOING TO BE ANGRY WHEN SHE SEE A GUY LIKE ME AT YOUR TABLE?"


    "PROBABLY", SAYS THE MAN, "BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I WANT
    HER TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK, FISH, HUNT, OR HAVE SEX".
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  • watrulookinat
    sorry about the > i did not have time to takem out [V]

    The Rev. Al Sharpton

    Rev. Al Sharpton got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.
    >
    >
    >
    > The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Rev. Al, and told him to drink it all.
    >
    >
    >
    > Rev. Al drank the concoction and replied, 'That tasted like oatmeal!'
    >
    >
    >
    > The doctor replied, 'It was, you were a quart low.'
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  • watrulookinat
    This guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and took him into a great, beautiful, magnificent building. The guy notices clocks everywhere. He asks St. Peter what the clocks are for.

    St. Peter says that each person on earth has a clock. Not for their death but for how many times they lied in their lives.

    The guy goes to one clock and it read zero on the clock. He asked whose clock this one was.

    St. Peter said it was Sister Teresas clock. She told no lies.

    The guy then asked about a clock that said two lies.

    St. Peter said that the clock was Abe Lincolns clock. For he only told two lies.

    The guy then thought a few seconds. He said I would like to see John Kerry's clock.

    St. Peter said, We don't keep that one in here, we keep it in the entrance way, we needed a fan in that room.
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  • watrulookinat
    I had to clean it up a little.....

    Whores & Hockey Players.
    A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
    very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads
    of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says
    he'll ask his manager about it.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
    "Some " A hole" wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
    behind him, So he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
    the other half."

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
    manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself
    out of that situation earlier.
    We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

    'Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
    "Well, why did you leave Canada ?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
    'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada '

    'No " Sttt?" replied the boy.
    'Who'd she play for?'

    [:D]
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  • watrulookinat
    This may get poofed:

    Far into the future for human development humans acquire the need to feed on human parts. At the local meat market there was a special on human brains for the week. A patron comes in wanting some human brains and the butcher said we have a sale on them this week. American brains are 35 bucks a pound. English brains are 57.50 bucks a pound and Polish brains are 325.00 bucks a pound.. The patron said "What"? Polish brains 325.00 bucks a pound thats outragous, the Butcher amswered " Not in the least outragous when you realize how many polocks it takes to get a pound of brains???
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  • watrulookinat
    A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

    The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

    The walls opened, and the lady waddled into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

    They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous and stacked 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

    'Go get your Mother'
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  • watrulookinat
    This is for the GD forum

    7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.

    7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.

    7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Non religious prayer and worship.
    Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

    8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    8:05 P.M . Ceremonial tree hugging.

    8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.

    8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan -- Susan Sarandon.

    9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender -- French
    President Jacques Chirac.

    9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.

    9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo
    Bay with Sean Penn.

    9:40 P.M. Why I hate the military, a short talk by William Jefferson
    Clinton.

    9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented
    by Michael Moore.

    9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World
    Trade Center Towers -- Howard Dean.

    10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahnadinejad.

    11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet.

    11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals -- John Kerry.

    11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

    12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

    12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home!




    ???? Oh also why was this post deleted?
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  • watrulookinat
    A man was sitting out on the porch of his rural home enjoying a cup of coffee. He spotted a chicken out in the road. It was weird since no one within miles raised chickens.

    The man went out to the road and scooped the chicken up, took her to his pole barn and fixed up a nice roost for her. Then he drove into town and bought a bag of chicken feed and thought about the good eggs he would be getting.

    The next morning took his coffee to the pole barn and reached under the chicken and was surprised to find a shiny new penny and left some feed for the chicken. Well the next morning he reached under the chicken and found a shiny new nickel. Most unusual he thought and left some feed out for the chicken. On the third day he found a dime. By now he had become attached to this chicken, wanted an occasional egg, and concerned the chicken must be sick.

    The man found an old cage, put the chicken in and drove to town to see the vet.

    After hearing the man's story, the vet examined the chicken and ran a test. He pronounced the chicken was normal.

    The man said how could that be?

    The vet repeated that the chicken was fine and


    wait



    wait



    wait


    here it is





    the chicken was going through the change. [:0][:o)]
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  • watrulookinat
    An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

    While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
    smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette
    sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
    remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

    Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
    the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
    railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With
    labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
    into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he
    would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
    spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
    literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle
    cookies.


    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love
    from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to
    it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
    towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled
    posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of
    the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing
    him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on
    its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it
    was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......

    "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."


    NRA MEMBER
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  • watrulookinat
    I got this in my email today. If its been posted already, please ignore.



    >> >A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were
    >> > sitting in their pews and talking.
    >> > Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
    >> > Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
    >> > trampling
    >> > each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
    >> > Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly
    > sitting
    >> > in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
    >> > ultimate enemy was in his presence.
    >> > So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
    >> > "Yep, sure do."
    >> > "Aren't you afraid of me?"
    >> > "Nope, sure ain't."
    >> > "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
    >> > "Don't doubt it for a minute."
    >> > "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
    > agony
    >> > for all eternity??"
    >> > "Yep", was the calm reply.
    >> > "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
    >> > "Nope."
    >> > More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
    >> > afraid
    >> > of
    >> > me?"
    >> > The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68
    >> > years."


    [:)][:)]
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  • watrulookinat
    guy calls 911. Sir What is your emergency? I think my wife is dead. Sir why do you think your wife is dead? Well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.
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  • watrulookinat
    A couple was
    invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

    So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife
    sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

    So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." "Did you dance much ?" "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
    I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
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  • watrulookinat
    A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

    They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

    "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

    She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

    "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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  • watrulookinat
    I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.

    Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President,


    what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied, "I'd
    give food and houses to all the homeless people." "Wow - what a worthy goal!" I told her. "You
    don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds,
    and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then, I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
    hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house." She thought that over for a few
    moments because she's only 6 years old. And while her Mom glared at me, the young child looked me straight in the
    eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"


    And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her folks still aren't talking to me.
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  • watrulookinat
    The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

    First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
    Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
    Third: What is God's first name?"

    Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

    Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer.

    How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too.

    Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . ."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

    St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."


    The gene pool needs chlorine.
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  • watrulookinat
    a farmer walked into a bar,ordered a beer ,got a smoke out but had no lighter. the bartend gave him one from a huge lighter behind the counter. the farmer ask where he got that lighter? the bartend answered,from the genie in that bottle over there. the farmer picked the bottle up and out popped the genie,sayingyou have 1 wish. the farmer replied i want a million bucks.the genie said go home and find your wish.the farmer drove as fast as he could and when he arrived home he seen a million white ducks all over his farm,he turned around and went back to town and told the bartend ,hey , i said a million bucks not ducks. the bartend said ,you don't think i ask for a 12 inch bic do ya[:D]
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  • watrulookinat
    Peter goes to the doctor and says,
    'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they didn't smell and are silent.'

    The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'

    The next week Peter goes back. 'Doctor,' he says, 'I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, stink terribly.'

    'Good,' the doctor said. 'Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.'[^][:0]



    bible_devil.gif
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